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cozyk · Jan 10, 2008, 09:37 AM

The quick story is... my 20 yr old daughter is leaving home (Atlanta Ga.) and moving to Canada. It feels like someone has died. I'm scared, nervous, lonely and mourning her especially since I didn't have time to brace myself for this. I need advice, comfort, assurance, whatever anyone has to offer to get me through this.

Now for a little back ground. She met a guy on line and they have been talking for about 2 years, She has always been a mildly depressed introvert. He has brought her out of her shell and makes her laugh all the time. I'm happy about that. She came to us in Oct. saying she wanted to fly up there to visit. We said no, unless you have him here first so we can meet him. So he was here for 10 days in Nov. Over Christmas break, she flew there and spent 3 weeks with him and his family. ( BTW he is 22) They all loved her. I knew it would be heartache for them when they separated again and it wasn't going to be pretty. But, I wasn't ready for this. He will drive down here near the end of her winter quarter, and drive back to Ottawa with him to stay. They will get an apartment together, and get married. Since I got married in 1980, we have lived all over the country and great distances from friends and family. My strength came from having my 4 member immediate family unit. I always had my kids within my reach. I did not expect her to always live at home or even in my town, but out of the country. That really hurts. Somebody, put this into a perspective that this pain will let up.

NowWhat · Jan 10, 2008, 09:49 AM

I think you will find your peace from knowing your daughter is happy.
You have done your job as her mother, now it is time to let her fly. Be there for her and listen to her.
You will always be her mother no matter where she is on the map. She will always need you. Let her know that you are happy for her. She is probably feeling a lot of the same things you are, so encourage her.

I moved away at 24. From Atlanta to Ohio. I am sure it was hard on my parents. It was hard on me. I missed home so much. I called a lot! We planned ahead, so we knew when we would see each other again. It gets challenging.
I call my mom all the time. For advice, to talk - whatever.

Look for the positives. Now you can go and visit a new place, right? When we moved, my parents and I went exploring. We went to Niagra falls together, on the way home from a visit they went through Amish country - things they may not have done had I not lived here. And when I am at home, we pack in all kinds of quality time together.

N0help4u · Jan 10, 2008, 09:51 AM

I know it is hard. My daughters live a couple hours away. My oldest daughter is having my first grandbaby. I don't have a vehicle to go see them. My son is stationed in Germany and has been to Iraq once so far.
All you can do is pray for them and get a phone with a good long distance plan and call them often. I have Cricket. It is a local cell phone co. I have unlimited time with long distance and pay $42. NO extra charges.
Visit as much as possible. If you are at all able to move maybe you could move a little closer. Even Michigan or Maryland would be closer.
Also seeing her on webcam and keeping in touch on the IM's is a good way to relieve the pain. I got my own Myspace so that I could have their myspace links on to mine it helps with feeling a bit closer.

Also crime in Canada is low from everything I have ever heard. That is a reassuring plus somewhat.

HistorianChick · Jan 10, 2008, 12:57 PM

When I left home for the first time, I really left home... lol... I lived at home while I went to college and took my first job... in China. Needless to say, it hurt like crazy. But, technology today brings family as close as a simple click away. Internet, instant messenger, video conferencing, text, phone, the world is really very small.

Think of it this way... you're not losing your daughter at all! She's going on into a brand new, exciting chapter of her life with a man that loves her and wants to make a future. That is very exciting!

And besides, Canada? Beautiful! And hockey!! :)

JoeCanada76 · Jan 10, 2008, 01:20 PM

Canada is a beautiful country. I think it is important to know that your adult daughter needs to make decisions for herself and that if these are one of her decisions that actually make her happy. You should be happy for her. As far as technology, Technology brings us all closer together no matter how far you are. I just hope that you are understanding. That you try to keep communication open to your daughter. I am half way cross the country from my family too, but always keep in touch in one way or another with special trips to visit. Speak to your daughter, let her know you want her to be happy. That you want to stay in touch with her, and be honest with her that you find this situation difficult.

Alexanderrh · Jan 12, 2008, 06:17 PM

Hi Of course your going to miss your daughter and why shouldn't you. I had it the other way around. I left the country I lived in and married and had my children then divorced.
I then returned to my home town leaving my children with their father till I got settled I am still here and my children decided to stay where they were to finish their schooling. It is one of the hardest things I did and I could not visit them regularly at the time I had to depend on their father sending them over in the holidays which he did.
You do hurt for a wee while. Don't sit and mope though start planning what you want to try and do.It is hard but you have done the best thing , you have met her partner, you know where they are going. Now you can go and visit them.
I now have my son and daughter visiting me every year when they are not going on their main holiday and my son came with his new girlfriend in Nov and met all our side of the family.
You can visit your daughter and you have a computer. Do what I now do contact them free of charge on your computer and use a webcam for video calls. I am sure where you are you have many types of arrangements for this. I am on the webcam more regularly with my daughter than my son at the moment but it is great now.
It still not the same for sitting having a coffee or having a big hug now and again but that is still there the love. I know I missed my mum for a long while when I first married.

You say you have regularly moved house and do not have friends yourself, you have depended on your family, now is the time to look for something for yourself in that direction.
What are your interests and hobbies. Do you work? Maybe if you don't this is time to find something you can do paid or even voluntary work to get you started. I am sure you can find something you will like. Hospitals, nursing homes befriending for voluntary.
If you have a hobby maybe music, (playing or singing) drama, art whatever find a group that you can join in or do you like learning go back and do further study.
I was a stay at home mum and found my life changed when I started studying part-time, then fulltime study. I did voluntary work and I now have a fulltime job at 50.
I wish you all the very best and remember your daughter will miss you just as you miss her it will be strange for some time but if you can set yourself a goal and find something for yourself you will then have something to talk about on your lengthy phone calls and video calls.

cozyk · Jan 12, 2008, 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by Alexanderrh

Hi Of course your going to miss your daughter and why shouldn't you. I had it the other way around. I left the country I lived in and married and had my children then divorced.
I then returned to my home town leaving my children with their father till I got settled I am still here and my children decided to stay where they were to finish their schooling. It is one of the hardest things I did and I could not visit them regularly at the time I had to depend on their father sending them over in the holidays which he did.
You do hurt for a wee while. Dont sit and mope though start planning what you want to try and do.It is hard but you have done the best thing , you have met her partner, you know where they are going. Now you can go and visit them.
I now have my son and daughter visiting me every year when they are not going on their main holiday and my son came with his new girlfriend in Nov and met all our side of the family.
You can visit your daughter and you have a computer. Do what I now do contact them free of charge on your computer and use a webcam for video calls. I am sure where you are you have many types of arrangements for this. I am on the webcam more regularly with my daughter than my son at the moment but it is great now.
It still not the same for sitting having a coffee or having a big hug now and again but that is still there the love. I know I missed my mum for a long while when I first married.

You say you have regularly moved house and do not have friends yourself, you have depended on your family, now is the time to look for something for yourself in that direction.
What are your interests and hobbies. Do you work? Maybe if you don't this is time to find something you can do paid or even voluntary work to get you started. I am sure you can find something you will like. Hospitals, nursing homes befriending for voluntary.
If you have a hobby maybe music, (playing or singing) drama, art whatever find a group that you can join in or do you like learning go back and do further study.
I was a stay at home mum and found my life changed when I started studying part-time, then fulltime study. I did voluntary work and I now have a fulltime job at 50.
I wish you all the very best and remember your daughter will miss you just as you miss her it will be strange for some time but if you can set yourself a goal and find something for yourself you will then have something to talk about on your lengthy phone calls and video calls.

Hi, thanks for taking the time to write me. I do make friends everywhere I live. The main thing is we don't usually share holidays with extended family but we've always had each other. I stay busy with my cottage business. It's called G.O.A.L Organizing, Get Organized at Last. I do home and office organizing, I stage homes to sell, and I do interior redesign. My daughter has helped me with the home staging at times. I have to flex my creative muscle or I start getting cranky. I DO feel much better now than I did earlier this week. Thanks to everyone for their kind words. Tonight, I spoke with the boy friends Mom who also lives in Ottawa. I liked her a lot. She and I exchanged e-mail addresses so we can keep in touch too. It really helps to know she and hubby are up there as a safety net.

Alexanderrh · Feb 19, 2008, 05:30 PM

Hi
My son getting his keys to new house in April and I had arranged with him to go in May when he wanted me to see the finished result of the families work in getting it ready for him and his girlfriend. I felt a bit left out as I felt I was missing the excitement. Now I have booked my flight, I know my daughter is 20mins away from him and has a bed, I also have a friend there so can stay there also.
I now feel better taking charge of going and being able to give them a surprise and joining them in their champagne celebrtation. I will also be able to feel his excitement from close by with his extended family and meet them for the first time on this happy note.
Hope all is well with your arrangements
:)

susangpyp · Feb 19, 2008, 07:58 PM

It is VERY hard. My youngest son decided after we we were all set to move cross country that he met a girl and fell in love. I had a lot on the line and HAD to go. He was just 18 and we were so close. I was so heartbroken. It took a lot out of me the first year. I just wanted him there as he had been for 18 years. He was my baby and I adored him.

More than anything I wanted him to be happy and I tearfully let him go and I grieved for about 2 years. Well, he and the girl were married this past September, SEVEN YEARS after they started together.

She makes him happy. They are a lovely couple and their wedding was one of the happiest days of my life.

I wrote in their wedding album that I always wanted the best for him and she was the best.

Yes, it broke my heart but to see him unhappy and alone would have broken it even more.

It's hard but you can do this. Let her go with love, grieve the change in the relationship and let her know you will always be there for you.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 19, 2008, 08:08 PM

I know moving to third world nations like Canada where there are no phones, no cell phones, no video computer connections and the such can be hard.? Ok, joking a bit, often down the street can be 1000 miles apart. My son is about a 4 hour drive away, but with his work and my work I think we spent two days together in the last year. He has his girls to go see on the weekend most of the times and we both work.

But the actual move is always hard but then as she grew up, finished high school one has to know that this sort of move can happen. And in many ways parts of Canada is no further away than California or Maine could be, and some, esp those by major cities are easier to get to by planes.