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KalFour · Jan 9, 2008, 08:27 AM

Hi all,
To everyone who replied to my last emo rant and gave me advice, thank you... unfortunately I still haven't taken it. I keep meaning to see a counsellor (my uni provides them without charge) but every time I am in that area, I find excuses not to go. I guess I'm afraid of finding out that there's something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm scared that I'll find out that nothing's wrong with me, and they can't do anything to change it/me.
I really need to talk to someone... but I can't, it's just too real.
And it's getting worse. I'm finding it so hard to keep focused on anything. When I'm with friends I spend very little time paying attention to what's being said around me. I just keep phasing out all the time. I get distracted so easily.
And I've stopped laughing normally. I laugh if the people around me laugh, but even when my brain tells me something is funny, there's no response from my body. I don't cry either. There have been occasions when something tremendously bad has triggered me, and I have cried daily for a while... but in the past year, besides those extremes I have been unable to cry.
It's not that I'm depressed... I'm not unhappy. I even enjoy my life overall... I've just become so... unresponsive. Like I could sit and stare forever...

KalFour · Jan 15, 2008, 05:50 AM

So... I'm seriously getting worse at... I don't know exactly what.
Last night a friend called me. He'd just gotten back from traveling overseas. The conversation went for about 3 hours... and it was a mobile call so I feel extremely guilty. :S
It started being just a catch up... but at some point he asked me about a few more personal things and I totally broke down. I went on a long rant about how I'm barely coping and I have no idea why. I'm usually the shoulder to cry on for most of my friends, and this guy had only ever seen me cry once (directly after I'd gotten the news about the death of a loved one), so he was pretty shocked but quite supportive.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm pretty certain that if he brings it up again and we're face to face I'll just laugh it off and pretend it never happened. If we'd been face to face instead of on the phone I wouldn't have said most of what I said anyway... I'd have blatantly lied.

I seriously think something is wrong with me... I need help.

I'm either overly responsive to things - can't stop moving, talking, don't blink, shake and generally comes across as over-sensitive... or am completely flat, expresionless and apathetic.

What am I doing?

KalFour · Jan 18, 2008, 12:01 AM

Help me

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 09:03 PM

I have a new boyfriend... and I'm seriously thinking that no matter how I feel, my moods will fluctuate so much that I'll switch between affection and complete loathing on a fairly rapid basis. I do this to friends... feel very close and comfortable, but then rapidly switch to a feeling of awkwardness and irritability. I always conceal it by smiling a lot... everyone thinks I'm happy, but my underlying feelings tend to build. Everyone thinks I'm a patient, attentive and caring listener, but it's such a façade. I care... but.. Oh god... I don't know. It's like I have pre-programmed socially-acceptable responses to everything, because I can't always control myself otherwise and I'm afraid of what I'll say or do if I let myself be honest with anyone.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
But having a new boyfriend... was posibly a huge mistake. It's one thing to have rapidly changing feelings about people... but if it's someone I'm obliged to spend so much time with... I don't want to end up hurting him, especially as he's likely to have no idea why.

Someone... please talk to me.

Kal

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 10:26 PM

Well... since nobody but me seems to want to reply to this post, I'll just talk to myself instead.

So, the usual things I'd say to someone in this kind of situation...

Are you sure that getting a boyfriend at this particular time is a good idea? You should be aware that if this relationship is expected to get serious it will be very difficult unless you can be honest and upfront with one another. And you're right, there is a risk of him getting hurt. You should be careful and try to respect his feelings. And you did mention that you conceal your feelings whenever something bothers you. You have to remember that he isn't a mind-reader, and if you want to work through any thoughts, feelings or difficulties with your boyfriend (or even just friends and family) you have to first make them aware of the problems.
Why do you think you conceal your feelings? Are you just determined to please everyone? And do these mood changes happen on a regular, predictable basis? Could they be connected with your menstrual cycle perhaps?
Why do you think you keep switching off? Are you tired? Are you having difficulty sleeping? Does your overall concentration seem affected, or is it just in some circumstances?
You really should be talking to someone you trust. In person. Your phonecall with the friend was obviously a cry for help and a need to let some things out, but was probably quite overwhelming all at once, and you have to remember that he is not a trained professional, and cannot necessarily give you the help that you need.
Have you tried relaxation techniques like yoga or mediation just to help you calm down and try to be more aware and in control of your feelings?

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 10:43 PM

No, I'm really not sure that it's a good idea... otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up. But I like him, and he likes me. I don't want it to be a serious relationship all at once... but I would like to be able to be honest. Maybe it would be best for both of us if I just end it early. I really don't know.
And yes, I do have to try to make people aware of what's going on in my life... but I've been finding it so difficult. I've tried mentioning in passing some of my issues... and been told to see a counsellor, or just been told that I'm a hypochondriac. I tried telling my mum about my hands shaking, and how it might be a sign of anxiety... and she didn't believe me, because she thinks my shakes are quite minimal (she doesn't often see me when I'm under pressure) and said that if I'm shaky it's probably just because I'm tired or something. She refuses to take it seriously.
I don't know why I conceal everything... I guess it's because I feel that my emotions are often inappropriate. I also hate to disappoint people, so try to minimise any behaviour that could be unsettling. But there are times when I actually have no control, and either say or do the exact opposite and act completely extroverted and borderline abusive in my language and attitude. I don't think it's linked in with pms or anything... and as I've said in a previous post... I seem to manage to function for about 6 months of every year. I just go through phases of not functioning the way I should.
I don't know why I switch off... it happens even when I'm really interested in what I'm doing. I can generally stay focused if I'm multi tasking and have about 4 or 5 things to concentrate on, by switching between them constantly, I don't lose interest.
And my sleeping patterns are shocking. I find sleeping nigh impossible at times, and probably average 4-6 hours a night. I'm quite content often to drift off during the day (be that daydreaming or actual sleep) and feel like I'm in a semi-conscious state half of the time.
I ought to talk to someone, but I really have difficulties in trusting anyone. I don't know what to do. And if I did go to someone, I'd say too much and let everything inside me pour out all at once and drown them. And the counsellor... I want to try but don't seem to be able to.
I don't do yoga and I rarely meditate. I try different breathing techniques and getting more exercise... the idea was that I'll have better control of my body and it might help me control my mind. It helps a little. I can sometimes reduce the shaking that way.

... please... talk to me

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 10:53 PM

Let's work on the counselor idea and make a plan.

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 10:56 PM

Wow! I'm not talking to myself anymore. :)

What kind of plan exactly?

And how can I actually go to a counsellor?

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 10:58 PM

I'm one. We're fun to be with.

(I work at a library too, cataloging books for my day job.)

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 11:02 PM

What would prevent you from making an appointment with one?

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 11:05 PM

Now I'm the one talking to myself.

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 11:06 PM

I don't know... I've been slightly prejudiced against counselors since I was sent to one when I was a lot younger. I didn't like the way she assumed things about my feelings and responses. I tried again briefly about a year and a half ago... but ended up lying because I felt too exposed. I'm not a compulsive liar... I just hate it when people know too much about what's going on beneath the surface... and I don't know why.
But it's doing a great job at stopping me form getting really close to people.
I don't know what I'm expecting here... I mean... there's not a lot that can be done unless I actually try to DO something about it... I'm such an idiot.

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 11:09 PM

I'm one of those problem-solving counselors, not one who wants to figure out what's gone wrong in your life since the day you were born.

Soooooooooo... name one problem you would like to solve.

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 11:16 PM

What do you know about uncontrollable tremors?

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 11:18 PM

Originally Posted by KalFour

I didn't like the way she assumed things about my feelings and responses.

ended up lying because I felt too exposed

And that's when you should have said, "Stop!! I don't like the way you assume things about my feelings and responses!!!"

And later with the other one, "I feel too exposed!!!"

The counseling is for you, not for the counselor. You are in charge. You control what happens in counseling. You are an active participant, not a victim.

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 11:19 PM

A lot. When did the tremors begin? Where are they manifested?

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 11:24 PM

I was 9 years old and she was an authority figure... I guess I didn't see any point in disagreeing with her. I also had no idea why I was there at the time, so didn't really know what to think.
My old school records show that I was sent to see a counsellor again when I was 11... but I cannot remember this at all. It worries me that I have no recollection of this happening.
And with the later one... I really don't know. I need to write everything down and give it to a counsellor on a piece of paper... and try not to deny it later on.

Wondergirl · Jan 25, 2008, 11:26 PM

Originally Posted by KalFour

I need to write everything down and give it to a counsellor on a piece of paper... and try not to deny it later on.

Why??

I wouldn't ask that of you if you were my client.

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 11:33 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

A lot. When did the tremors begin? Where are they manifested?

I have a familial tremor that about half my family gets. For most people it's pretty mild and pretty constant.
Mine wasn't very bad while I was growing up, but about 3 years ago (from about 16) it's been worsening.
It's mainly in my hands. But there are times when it effects my entire upper body, knees, and even voice. More in my right arm than my left (I'm right-handed). It gets worse when I'm stressed, fatigued, hungry, upset, embarrassed, angry or just uncomfortable. I work with my hands a lot (using potentially dangerous machinery for a lot of the time) and use sign language with some deaf and autistic children... so having functioning hands is pretty important to me.
My handwriting is appalling (at uni, my lecturers have refused to accept my hand-written notes because of the illegibility).
The shaking is mostly fairly mild, but gets worse if I'm trying to use any delicate materials. It's particularly noticeable when I eat, and I often lose my grip on things as a result.

Thanks for replying by the way... you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

KalFour · Jan 25, 2008, 11:36 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why?????

I wouldn't ask that of you if you were my client.

Because if I can get it all out to begin with, I'll have nothing to hide, so nothing to lose by going over it all again later... that's the theory.
If I talk it out... I might only say some things and not others... and still keep the rest bottled up and deny its existence.