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dennism · Jan 3, 2006, 08:26 PM

I was in a similar relationship like another member here has had. In may relationship I was dating a girl for several months who was in an abusive relationship with her ex. We started dating after one night she called me to pick her up because her boyfriend at the time pushed her on the floor and was kicking her. Our relationship wasn't the best, I got laid off from my job and between that and dealing with the aggrevation of her ex always calling and showing up and dealing with dating someone with 3 kids kind of but me in a mild state of depression. I never abused her or your kids in anyway. I never verablly abused her, I was just down in the dumps. She ended up going back with her ex, apparently she told a friend that he's doing things right now, that he's going to get therapy and he is going to be a good father. Why do women fall for this. It bothers me in a way because she always talked about how she regretted even being with him and now there back. I just hope that the next time he beats her that she doesn't call me because I'm the type of person that will try to help her out. What do you guys think about this situation? I know I don't need all of this aggrevation in my life but for some reason it really seems to be bothering me.
Please help me out with your advice.
Thanks A lot.
Dennis

mrs.pennell · Jan 3, 2006, 09:23 PM

It is obvious that you really cared about this woman and her children. And while I'm sure you do not want all that drama in your life, I'm sure it is hard to turn your back on a person that you care about. It is very unfortunate that she decided to go back to her ex because we all know the scary statistics about abusive relationships but there is very little that you can do to help her. She was the one who decided to go back to her ex. You did all you can just by being there for her when she needed you. The only thing to do now is to try and move on with your life. I wish you all the best.

PrettyLady · Jan 3, 2006, 09:44 PM

Dennis, I'm going to make this short. The girl has issues, and she might not really be interested in you. If this girl wants to be with her ex, let go and move on. Don't get involve with her, not even as a friend, it would just cause further pain for you. You said it yourself, you don't need the aggravation, move on.

fredg · Jan 4, 2006, 05:19 AM

Hi, Dennis,
I do agree with moving on.
There's an old saying; "Nobody can put problems on me; I have to let it happen". And "No one can put stress on me; I have to do that myself".

Only you can let yourself feel that you have to help. I know that from what you write, you want to help her. She is beyond help now! She has accepted, again, a man who probably will NOT change for her, or for himself, even though he says he will and is in therapy; only time will tell, but the odds are against him.
He called you and showed up while you were with her. You really, really, don't need this. I went through some of the same things with my wife's ex, with her child, who now after, 29 yrs, is like a daughter to me. We moved over 400 miles away from him! That helped a lot. But, there is a big difference in my experience, she did NOT want him back.
Please do yourself a big favor, and stop any communications with this lady. If she calls, don't answer. Get her out of your life, and move on too much better things.
You can do, it won't be easy. But, you can do it.

nymphetamine · Jan 4, 2006, 06:36 AM

I was in an abusive relationship and I fell for the same trick. Left and went to my parents house and then went back to my exhusband because he promised me that he would be a good husband and a good father. Some women very mistakingly believe that they are helping their children by this behavior and they don't understand that it does not help at all. Just because a man is abusive doesn't mean the woman can help that she loves him. I loved my ex husband very much at one time and I suffered for it. Now I wish he would disappear. YOu are a good person for having put up with that mess and If I were her Id be begging your forgivness but I don't know that she would do that. She obviously still has feelings for the boyfriend. If I were you Id direct her to the nearest women's shelter and some sort of counseling. If you are interested then maybe after she has gotten help you guys could hook up. Not before but after. YOU do not need to put up with the boyfriend calling and showing up either. Don't they have a trespassers will be shot on sight law?

letmeno · Jan 4, 2006, 10:30 AM

As a friend, give her advice on where to go for safety such as a women's shelter, seeking an order of protection, etc. But for your own safety, and peace of mind, I wouldn't advise that you date this girl. Women in situations such as this, NEED a man. They fear being alone, which is why they stay in the abusive relationship in the first place. The abuser has all but destroyed any self esteem that they have and the abused one actually thinks that no one else will want them. I had a friend that was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It took a whole lot of work from me and her other friends and family as well as counseling to get her to "See the light". Women in abusive relationships, or coming out of abusive relationships need just as much counseling as the abuser themselves. Keep your distanct from her until her relationship issues are solved because this can turn in to a dangerous situation for you as well
Good Luck

confused1978 · Jan 4, 2006, 10:37 AM

Thanks for the advice. My concerns are not really of getting her back because I don't need that in my life, my concern is what do I do if she calls me if this guy beats her up again. I'm hoping that she doesn't call me but if she does what should I do. It's been almost 3 weeks so I'm sure everything is going all right now but I'm sure its ony a matter of time before this guy turns evil again.
So what do I do if she or one of her friends or family try calling me?

nymphetamine · Jan 4, 2006, 11:28 AM

Just tell her to call the police next time, get herself checked into a women's shelter and talk to her family about what is going on. Its not your job to rescue her and in her situation she might read more into it than there really is.she has to do it for herself. I had a man try to "rescue" me once and very soon he was nagging at me about moving out of his house because he couldn't deal with my problems. I had already been through enough with my children being kidnapped, being physically and verbally abused, and being left for another woman and then he has to start making it even worse. You don't want to turn in to that guy. Donot make any rescue attempts. Just tell her what she needs to know to do and then back off.

Wildcat21 · Jan 4, 2006, 12:27 PM

Some women, for some unknown reason feel the yneed to be with an absuer - that they deserve it, tha they don't deserve better. This guys never change - ever - I've seen it. These guys are hot and sex sometimes and these type of women crave it. AND these guys HAVE massive control over these women - they PUSH the right buttons.

s_cianci · Jan 4, 2006, 07:29 PM

For whatever reason, this woman has developed a pattern of co-dependency and will only be "comfortable" with someone who abuses her. It isn't good, it isn't logical and it isn't right, but she's not in your league. Stay clear of her. She has a lot of issues to deal with. You have your own life to deal with and you don't have the time or energy to play "rescuer". If she calls you again, politely but firmly brush her off. She's going to have to find somewhere else to air her dirty laundry.

dennism · Jan 4, 2006, 08:23 PM

All right,
Thanks for the advice. I don't nor does anyone else deserve that. I'm sure in a month or so it will hit her hard on what a bad decision she made, once he actually realizes that there is no future with this thug.