[psugrad1978]

My question is actually a long one. I was in a 2 year relationship with a man who is the father of my 2 year old daughter. He treated me like a queen the first year of our relationship. However he became very abusive to me even punching me a the stomach when I was pregnant. I eventually lost the baby. He was involved with drugs and alcohol and didn't come home a lot of nights without even calling me. I meet a real nice guy at work. Someone who treated me good and someone that always gave me sound advice. Eventually I had enough guts to leave my boyfriend and began to date this man from work. I got a different job and he eventually left there to. We dated for 3 months. He put up with a lot of aggrevation from my ex. Whether it was threatening phone calls, him spitting on his truck, him showing up at my house when he was there and he also had to deal with my two other children with a different man. This boyfriend didn't have any kids and never dated anyone with kids. He is well educated with his MBA. He became very miserable and always told me to be patient that he was just trying to get used to all of this. Because of him being miserable I began talking to my ex and he began to promise me that he has changed and that he is going to rehad and that he wants to be a good father and so on. I ending up going back with him. It's been about 3 weeks now. Everything is going well but my fear is what if he goes back to his old ways and I just left a really good guy and know I'm starting to realize everything he had to put up with.
What is your advice.

[CaptainForest]

Leave him immediately.

He is an abuser. It took you 1 year the last time to get up the courage, you want to go through that all again?

People don’t change in that short of a time span.

And you have kids? What kind of lesson is this showing them? Hit a woman, then apologize and get away with it?

File a restraining order on him if he was harassing you when you were broken up.

LEVAE IMMEDIATELY and file a restraining order against him for both you and your kids.

[nwsflash]

You have given yourself the answer in parts of your question, because you are saying when is it all going to kick off again in your head, and be honist from reading your post you do not trust or love this guy!

What kind of man can hit his girlfriend in the belly when she is carrying his child is lower than low, and it makes it worse that you say this child was lost because of these actions... :confused: I feel that you need to think about the safety of your kids, as you have already said this guy has anger issue's and drugs and booze problems, if you put yourself into the line of fire when he's ready too kick off again that's your choice, but your kids can't make that choice and need to be kept safe. What are they going to learn from him, how to beat woman and get wasted?

From reading your post, I feel that you already know this guy is no good for you -- People do not just change that fast in such a short period --

[psugrad1978]

Thanks for your advice. However, How would I go about trying to get the other guy back into my life. He was very upset when he found out and I'm sure he doesn't trust me. How long should I give it. You really don't think my current relationship will get better.

[Parvan]

No way will your curretn relationship get better. Even if your abuser does get successful treatment getting back with a woman he abused can make all that go away. As far as getting back with the good guy, don't be to hopeful. Forgiveness for you leaving him for an absusive ex isn't likely to come.

[Wildcat21]

"began talking to my ex and he began to promise me that he has changed and that he is going to rehad and that he wants to be a good father and so on." - are you completely NUTS?? Sure he's on best behavior - BUT there is a time bomb ticking inside. AND you didn't bother to go to therapy??

Get away from this man immediately!! The abuse is coming - I AM SURE he never went to a conselor

My god!! He punched and you're back with him. These PSYCOPATHS lie all day long to get what they want.


The other guy is gone. You blew that - WHY do woman do this?? They ALWAYS leave the nice/good guy for the abuser. WHY?? I wouldn't trust you either.

I would hope this good guy never has anything to do with you again. You need to learn some hard lessons here and grow up.

[fredg]

Hi, psugrad,
Others have given some really good advise; leave him now.

You left a good guy, to go back with someone who you can't trust. If you don't trust him, leave now. He may or may not change, but personally, I would not take that chance. If he gets mad at you, it could be much, much worse that just a punch in the stomach!
It's your decision. I hope you choose the good guy before it's too late. Talk with him, tell him you made a big mistake. If he really loves you, then he might understand. If he doesn't want you back, move on to better things. It will take awhile.

[nymphetamine]

Honey, why? Why would you leave a good man to go back to trash like that? I understand that most woman think they are doing a favor to the child by doing this but they are wrong. The child suffers from that behavior. Please when you can get a chance go to the other man and just tell him that you are sorry you thought you were doing what was best for the children and you realize you made a mistake and he is the one you want to be with. I would be careful about the fact that he is a single man with no children. I lived in a situation like that for a bit after my husband left me and the man had me and my whole family thinking he would marry me and then he decided that not only had he not gotten over some girl but he was really not ready for children and then he turned into a jerk. However your guy is probably not like that. So go back to him and win him back.

[Wildcat21]

I agree wit hFred a lot - the NEXT time could be much worse - he probably totally holding back anger. You are not in a safe situation at all.

AGAIN - did he get any help with his problems?? I highly doubt it AND then you got back with him??

You are in harms way. Get out!

[letmeno]

I would like to give you the happily ever after ending, but I have to agree w/ everyone else on this one. Things are going to be good for a while, but he will eventually show that ugly side of himself again. The fact that he has never even sought counseling isn't going to help your situation either. I have never and will never agree with leaving one relationship for another. You leave a relationship because that person was not for you. Jumping from one relationship to another, and exposing your children to different men is not healthy for them. You must leave him, but don't run into the arms of another man, run because your safety is in danger. Spend some time alone for a while to explore who you are, what is is that you want out of life, date, meet other people. You need some time to heal your wounds. Jumping into another relationship when you don't even have this one resolved will only drag more people into this DANGEROUS situation. You should for you and your children's safety leave this man, and seek an immediate order of protection.
Good Luck!

[s_cianci]

The handwriting is on the wall ; you should have stayed with the MBA guy and dealt a little more assertively with your ex. Ever hear of a restraining order or just flat-out pressing criminal charges? The authorities deal with domestic issues very aggressively these days. Telling the police that an ex-boyfriend was threatening you would have probably been enough to get the cuffs slapped on him and hauled off to jail where he wouldn't be able to bother the two of you. Your tolerating this behavior from your ex probably convinced your new boyfriend that you really weren't interested in him and that you were still carrying a torch for your ex. By the fact that you're now back together with him suggests that maybe you were. I'd be very wary about buying his promises that he'll change, however. Abusers are famous for apologizing followed by long strings of promises but they never keep their word. You and he both need help, albeit for different issues ; you to deal with your co-dependency and him to deal with all his hostility and anger that is manifesting itself as abusive behavior. I hope you don't come to regret your decision but I think you made a bad choice.

[SoulMate05]

I am very young... actually I'm only 18 and I was in an abusive relationship for many years.. Once I pulled out of it, I never thought about the past. But I had so much love for this man even though he was abusive and what not. He was someone I cared for very much. He had a drug problem, alcohol problem and would not call me for days on end because he would be out on one of his binges! I finally left this man when I was 16... and that point I didn't know what to do because I had lived with him for a year already on my own and had a job and a life... So I moved out and left him for someone else... This guy had to put up with me being very depressed and my exes constant phone calls saying he was going to kill himself if I didn't come back! Anyway I stayed with this new guy for a few months until I started talking to my ex again... just cause I felt bad I mean I did love this man even though he did hurt me... He promised me he would change and things would be different and he would stop drinking and doing drugs and evrything was going to be better... It took me a while but I finally did it even though everyone around me was telling me not to do it! I did it anyway... They told me once an abuser always an abuser they never change and not in a short period... Well they were WRONG!! He did change because he needed something to help him get out of his bad habits and I was it for him... I helped him threw his struggles and we never had one abusive argument after that... so people can change! BELIEVE YOU ME THEY CAN CHANGE!! :o

[nymphetamine]

I agree yes people can change. But, its best to see that they changed first. Let them do the change first before you even think about any more relationship with them. You never get back with the person when they are only telling you they will change. Let them change first.

[dennism]

People can change yes, but in a case where there is abuse and drugs and alcohol are involved the odds aren't in the favor. If he was serious about changing he would have done this in the first place. A guy will promise a girl the world to get her back. The honeymoon stage will be all warm and fuzzy until the first argument or the first time something triggers this man. If it didn't work out the first time odds are it will go right back to where it was when you left this guy. Give it time because once it gets bad again your going to feel like there's no way out and the other guy probably won't be around to help you this time.
Staying with him just to have him around his daughter is the worst thing to do, it will only harm your daughter in the long run.

[Wildcat21]

That gal is only 18 - It still isn't long enough to sa yhe has changed. I bet a ton of money he abuses her again. It's coming.

[psugrad1978]

WILDCAT you really believe so. I'm so confused. He shows me this good side of him but from what I've been reading that is typical of these abusers. I am 27 and he is 24. What do you think the odds of this relationship going right back to where it was? When he starts feeling comfortable again?

[Wildcat21]

90% cahnce he returns to drugs and alcohol. Is he in counseling and rehab?? I bet not.

He is a time bomb waiting to go off.