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HistorianChick · Jan 7, 2008, 10:20 AM

Question... Can we remain friends? They are trying again simply "for the kids" even though he wants a relationship with me. I know this is true due to their history... wife had an affair, etc... (They have separated numerous times and this last time decided to file for divorce.)

Part of me wants to believe that it will work for them, that they'll be given a new chance to keep their family together - because he does deserve happiness. Then the other part of me knows that it is not going to work for the same reasons that it hasn't in the past and that if I wait long enough...

I'm hopelessly devoted (in true Grease fashion) and need some outside opinions on this matter. Do I remain that "faithful friend" he needs right now - supportive, encouraging, prayerful - or, do I cut ties and wait?

And then, do I wait? It is/was a once-in-a-lifetime connection/spark... Do I wait for him to figure out if they are going to work out or not? Urgh...

Thinking of cutting ties is very depressing... but then I feel guilty at still having ties because he is a married man trying to "work it out."

Where, oh where is the magic heart-mending elixer? :(

(The logical side of me knows that the only thing to do is let go... let the cards fall... C'est la vie... and all those other pithy sayings. I guess just hearing it from an anonymous poster would help! Not sure how, but there it is... for what its worth!)

talaniman · Jan 7, 2008, 10:31 AM

Oh darn, no more magic elixir. You are on a dead end street, and while you may think he deserves to be happy, SO DO YOU, and that's the way you should be living, for yourself, and not him.

simoneaugie · Jan 7, 2008, 10:33 AM

Waiting is hard. But maybe worth it because of how you feel about him. I think many would feel that the sane and healthy thing to do is to move on. Personally, I'd wait but without physical involvement with him. When he's done with their relationship again, and comes back, have a serious talk with him. Let him know that you aren't willing to hang around again and that this is it. If he leaves you to go back to her again, cut him off.

HistorianChick · Jan 8, 2008, 10:45 AM

Thanks, both of you, for these answers. This situation is easily remedied when you step back and look at it. He's not divorced yet - even though our relationship was begun under the assumption that the divorce papers were going through, it doesn't change the fact that he is still married. So, because of that fact, I'm backing up, backing off, and reading a lot of Shakespeare! :) Thanks again.

Matters of the heart are always the most difficult!

cerisa · Jan 8, 2008, 08:27 PM

No one ever knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. He may tell you some things, you may hear other things. Only he and she have the full story.
They have a family together. He is still there. I am sure he isn't tied up.
Don't try to influence his decision, move on. There are single men available without baggage, really!
Put Shakespeare aside and get out more. "'What's past is prologue"...

George_1950 · Jan 10, 2008, 09:39 AM

At this point, I would characterize your relationship as a romantic friendship. Or a friendship with a lot of romance. I don't know how often one experiences that feeling in a lifetime and for that reason I don't accept the notion of 'cutting ties'. My view is: I am not breaking up your marriage. When you have separated, let me know. In the meantime, I'm not waiting.