[Tabasma]

Hi there,

I'm 24 years old with a 22 month daughter. I've been married for the past 5 years, but haven't lived with my husband for long. He keeps me away from him on one pretext or another. So, we are always apart. Now that I have a daughter I want my husband to be there for her while she's growing up. He last saw her when she was only 6 months old.
I asked him to call us on a residence visa to Saudi Arabia (he's working there presently). But he said he cannot get a permanent residence visa for us and instead called me on a 3 months visit visa. I came back after staying just 2 months as he made my life unbearable. After coming back, he's not even mentioning calling me there again nor is he making any plans for us to stay together. Its always been like this. He always shows me the obstacles and troubles he'd have to face if he keeps me with him. Sometimes I just wonder if he really likes to remain married to me or not. He doesn't even love our daughter that much. I mean I've seen how father's dote on their daughters. My husband is not attached to my daughter that much. He sends me money for her upkeep but the amount is not enough, and he gets thousands of riyals as salary. But if I ask him about this, he starts abusing me fighting me, beating me etc.. Otherwise he's a very strict Muslim, he prays, fasts, gives charity, looks after his old Mom and sister.
But I don't understand why he behaves with me in the opposite manner. Ours was an arranged marriage, so maybe he doesn't like me, but its too late for that now. I'm a beautiful and intelligent girl and even my in-laws are all jealous of me. They poison my husband's ears against me. I don't know what to do, I've thought about divorce many times but on what basis? He supoorts me financially, is a good Muslim, sometimes he's violent but not always and when we're together he is very nice. But the problem is he doesn't stay with me and doesn't want to. We sleep in different rooms even when we're together. He's not comfortable with intimacy, so I have to be very prim and propah in front of him and his family. His mother objects if we are in the same room, or if we go out, talk to each other etc.. So, to respect his Mom he keeps a distance from me whenever we're together.
My feelings for him are fading, because of this attitude. I loved him very much but now I'm not sure. I can't leave him for my daughter's sake. You know how Muslim families are? They will not blame the man, they will only blame the woman. Please advise what I should do? Please don't ask me to divorce him as its not possible in our society, and moreover I have to think about my daughter's future also. He's overall a good man, but doesn't stay with me and even if I force myself on him, comes up with excuses to run away or send me away or keep away.
Sorry I've written a rather looooong message. Thanks! :-/

[shwetarose]

Hello Tanya,


Hope you will be fine and your sweet daughter too. :)

I can understand your sitaution.The message is very intense indeed.

As u said your husband does love you when you are together, that means he is not having as such problem with you and daughter. But you see, Man are ever egoistic which suffers us eventually. With the influence of your in-laws, the attitude of your husband can be sometimes rigid for u.

Nevamind, be chill. I know its difficult but as you said you are Intelligent woman, here intelligence is needed.

Use your technique.ur skill to draw husband attention towards.Nehow you make it possible. Tackle your in-laws tactfully and talk less with them,Also ever be cautious with your in-laws, as they might be finding small mistakes ever and then.


For your daughter, make it possible. Find ways to be with your husband. Try out to be what he wants to be u. Follow as he wants u, later you will get your path naturally. Be the one of what he wants u. Please supppress your demands or likings or anything which he is irritating him.Be the one as he wants.

I guess there is not much years of marriage over.Man wants to be diffferent and wants different. Find what he likes most in u, n be like that. Today live the day of him, and later on Urs.


I hope this advice will help you.


Good Luck & Best Wishes ever,

Shweta.

[Mylena36]

Tabasma,

The first thing you must ask yourself is, Do you want your daughter to learn that abuse, mistrust and distance is an acceptable life?

You are young and have to put your daughter and yourself first. No one has the right to abuse you, ever. This is what you must learn and what you must teach your daughter.

You already know the answer to the question you have asked. You must find the strength to do that and know that there is someone who will love you and your daughter with both hands open. Do not ever settle for less.

All my best wishes to you,

Mylena