[fallguy14]

My former girlfriend and I have dated on and off for 4 years, 2.5 of those years were in a long distance relationship. I have broken up with her twice during that time and both times we have decided to get back together. The reason I broke up with her on the last occasion was because she wanted to “settle down” and get more serious. She was completely dedicated and in love with me and I just wasn’t ready to go that direction in my life.

We last broke up in August 2007 and didn’t speak for approximately 2 months other than the occasional email. I dated someone else (and a few others) from September to November but wasn’t content. My ex and I started talking/emailing again in November and I decided in December that I was completely in love with her and ready to fully commit myself.

When I went to her to tell her that I was fully prepared to move or make whatever change necessary in order to make things work, she broke down and admitted to sleeping with someone in my circle of friends twice back in October. She claims that both times were “drunken hookups” and that she realizes the mistake was completely self-destructive. The guy is someone I used to bartend with and a complete @sshole to women… so it is disgusting to me that she falls into the category of all the “others.” In addition, a number of my current friends are in the know about the situation as they witnessed the beginnings at the bar that night. They never told me because she and I were broken up and they thought it would only cause more pain.

My question is this – do you think I have a right to be angry and/or upset? It was me that broke up with her (for the 2nd time) and I was also sleeping with someone else during our time apart. I understand that she has a right to sleep with whomever she chooses, but I feel as though it was a completely disrespectful move on her behalf. I would have never done the same – in fact – I didn’t even want to take my “new girl” to that particular town for fear of my ex seeing us together and becoming upset.

I know she was faithful during our time together, but I wonder if these kind of self-destructive mistakes are likely to continue throughout her life?

Additionally, as prideful as it is, it is difficult for me to get over the fact that I spent 4 years with this girl, and the @sshole was able to get her pants off without even taking her on a date. I have cut this friend off, but he is still in “the circle.” Any thoughts on that situation would also be helpful.

Thank you so much for reading.

[allswell]

Hi. Here is a girl's perspecitive. I'd like to start by saying that I think it would do you both good to get back together and give it another try. Even though I'm not too fond of guys who need to lose someone in order to appreciate their worth, you seem genuine. You are, right? If you're not sure of your feelings, stop reading.

To answer your questions: I agree with you that it was disrespectful of her to jump into a bed with someone in your circle. That's just messy, but in my opinion, and by her own admission, it was a temporary lapse of good judgment. I am sure there were many underlying reasons she chose someone close to you, not the least of which is passive aggressive anger fueled by intense hurt. Second, no, this does not seem to be an indicator of future behavior that would continue. If she gave you no reason to doubt her commitment and sincerity before, jumping to conclusions and interpreting her actions in a time of pain (however bad they were) is not fair to her, you, or your future relationship. And by the way, you're thinking just like a guy when you said this @ was able to jump in her pants in one night. Unless you're a woman, you have no idea what having your boyfriend break up with you because he can't see a future does to you. I am guessing she/you are also not that young.

Here's why I think what I think. I was in a relationship for 5 years not too long ago. By the third year, I thought I was ready to get married and had indicated that to him. We never broke up, but his response would always be, when x happens... or when y happens; or when we have enough money, blah blah. It wasn't an outright rejection, but after years of hearing a different variation of the same thing, with no "good" outcome in sight, it does something to you. It was slow, painless, wordless, subconscious rejection. Slowly, I started to pull away and be less invested. I started to doubt myself: "I'm great, why wouldn't he want to be with me? Am I really not marriage material? What's wrong with me?" These kinds of thoughts/feelings can REALLY mess with your brain, and I suspect she, both during the relationship and after the break up, went through a very similar thing--and may be apprehensive for a while still if you do reconcile. As much as I hate to say it, you need to be patient with her because you made the decision, and these are the consequences. You need to eat some humble pie to get her to trust you again. Like I said, there's no saying what someone will do when they're in agony. Eventually my ex did an about face, and all he wanted to do was get married! But by this time, I had longed checked out emotionally. It was a roller coaster for two years after that, and it just didn't work. I tried and tried and it tore us both apart. The damage had been done. That's why I say you need to be sure of what you feel--for your sake and hers. While I was in limbo, I met someone else who made me very happy. Did I sleep with him? No, because I knew it would make me feel like crap--like she is now. I saved myself that anguish. But I did cheat emotionally, and it took me quite a while to forgive myself.

So, I rambled a bit but I wanted to explain where I was coming from--as someone who has been in both places. Good luck.

[talaniman]

Just my opinion, but too much baggage, and how many times are you going to try making this work? At some point, you'll have to be in your circle and deal with the feelings you have over and over. Me, I move on and make my own life happy and healthy, before rehashing a relationship that has failed twice. Nothing you have said changes anything, but there is more baggage to deal with.

[itried]

If you know, deep down, that you would never do the same thing (i.e. sleep with one of your ex's friends/acquaintances/barber/dogwalker) then don't take her back at all. You have your morals and you know where the line is, after all, you're the one who drew it.

A circle of friends where everyone has slept with each other is always going to be dysfunctional and prone to drama. I would forget about any woman who has slept with one of my "friends". There's way too many options out there for you to compromise your morals and expectations of a partner.

If I were you I'd let her know that you won't get back together for that reason, and then just walk away knowing that she'll have to deal with the consequences of her actions. This is usually tough for most women to do, but oh well. Keep your head up, don't take sloppy seconds, no matter what your history is with this girl.