[HurtingALot]

Ok... so I'm back. I have been on the boards browsing this whole time, but haven't really posted, but here I am again. Long story short... had a boyfriend... for about 9 months, he said he needed a break. We broke up and I thought I would die. I suffered and made myself and everyone around me (and on this board) crazy. After about 3 weeks, we reconciled and have been back together since sometime in June. If you view my history posts, you will find that this relationship was never really good for me, but I always hung on thinking things would change (maybe he could see the light? )... blah.. blah... So we've been back together and I thought things were going really great. He had made some changes, was def. more attentive, and our good times were really good. Fast forward to just a few days ago... Let me reiterate that I thought things were going exceptionally well between us. We had made plans to spend New Year's together and we were both excited. He gets to my house and just because I am too curious for my own good, I browsed through his phone while he was outside. I was absolutely shocked to find that there were texts back and forth between he and this girl (I have no idea who she is... ) that were inappropriate and hurtful to me.

I confront him and he freaks out, swearing that it is nothing, swearing that nothing has happened and it was simply innocent flirting. BEGS me to forgive him and give him one more chance and says "I don't want to lose you." Even calls my friend and begs her to tell me to not break up with him over this... "Nothing happened, it would be a stupid reason to break up, etc..etc."

Long story short, I cry A lot and we end up spending the night together (No sex, I just couldn't... I was devastated.) The next morning I drive him home and he asks in the car "So is this really it?" I said I didn't know. He has tried to call once that evening, but nothing since then (I didn't answer).

Here's the thing... I am really sad. This is normal, right? Anytime there is a breakup, it is sad, right? Even if it's for the best?

I just can't understand why he would do this... He did say he met this girl one time (apparently she is a friend of a friend) and they went out as a foursome while I was away for Christmas. He said it was only that one time, and NOTHING happened, just the phone stuff since then.

My question, and I am sorry that this is so long, but I am really hurting (again) here... If he was into someone else, would he beg for my forgiveness and agree to cut all contact with this other person?

Question 2: Can I really just end this already and move the hell on? Why can't I stop craving this bad relationship? I am not a stupid person... I just don't understand. I know I am afraid of the heartache... but it is inevitable, correct? Better sooner than later? I just don't know what to do.

And a final note... I think that I am okay with the breakup, and then BAM... the thought of him being with someone else comes in and I am a mess. HELP!! PLEASE!!

Any relpies would be so helpful.

[DMBacoustic]

We all go through the same thing where you can be fine with the thought of breakup up and like you said, BAM. You need to focus on the fact however that you don't want to be with him for a reason. He wasn't good to you he doesn't deserve you. Try putting yourself first and you'll realize you don't deserve that from anybody and the entire situation will be much easier to deal with. You may think the feeling is going to last forever but, ahem here come the clichés, it's a marathon not a race. And although now he could be with someone else you'll figure out what you deserve and what you don't.

[Jay_Tee]

I think it's because it's love.
And yeah, you've said it too, that the relationship was never really good or happy for you then why continue it? I'm sure if you let fate take its role you will find someone much better than your ex, who can treat a girl right.
Just look on the bright side; you're young and single! So just go out there and club the night away!

[HurtingALot]

DM... thanks for your reply. It really is helpful. I just hate the thought of the heartbreak... it is truly awful.

And you are right, he probably doesn't deserve me... never really did. I just thought maybe it was getting better, and maybe he really was really realizing that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, as he said. But then this... unbelievable.

AND... if he is with someone else, it shouldn't really matter, right? Because if he was a user jerk to me, he will be to her and the next one and the next one, right?

ANY OTHER THOUGHTS?? ALL REPLIES ARE SO WELCOME!!

[DMBacoustic]

I went through the same situation after I graduated college in may. My ex started acting really distant and didn't care anymore, she figured I'd just always be around. And I kept telling myself it would get better but it never did. And if what he's doing texting that other girl seems wrong and your gut tells you that then you have to trust yourself. Like I said, in the end when you put yourself first everything else will fall into place.

[HurtingALot]

My gut definitely tells me that it is not right. It's just amazing how things were going so great for us... and then this. It is just so hurtful. And then for him to beg for me to not leave him? Keep begging buddy.. (Although after that one unanswered call... nothing more from him as of yet.) We had a couple's spa weekend planned with reservations and all... and when I dropped him off New Year's Day, he asked like he was just dumbfounded "So we're not going??" WHAT? Are you kidding me? What the hell is wrong with him?

When will I just feel OK with this... I know in my head it is probably best to just really be done... but my heart hurts. It didn't have to be like this. What an idiot. He lost so much in me... I just hope he knows it one day, even if it's just not yet.

[mafiaangel180]

My gut definitely tells me that it is not right.

Yep, go with the gut.

You must not have trusted him too much to go through his phone... and then you found that he was secretly talking to some girl, whom he even met. A lie by omission is still a lie. So you caught him lying. So what makes you think he isn't lying when he says he will cut all contact with her? Flat out, this guy doesn't deserve your trust and doesn't deserve you.

[HurtingALot]

Thank you to those have replied so far... KEEP IT COMING PLEASE!

I swear I am OK UNTIL the thoughts of him with someone (anyone) else come in... and then I start re-playing those text messages in my head and I am crazed again. Wish I could just get rid of the thoughts altogether. Bottom line, LET HIM be with someone else... she'll never be me, no matter who she is... (and he couldn't possibly be all that into her if he was begging me not to leave him, right? ) Let him figure out through being with someone who is not me that he really did lose the best thing that ever happened to him, am I right here??

Maybe it really was harmless flirting as he said, and nothing will ever come of it... but that doesn't change the fact that he's an idiot for jeopardizing what we had and losing me. Yes??

[ISneezeFunny]

What I want to ask is... when were the text messages sent/received? Were they when you two were broken up, or was it after you two got back together?

If it's while you two were broken up, then really... what he was doing was OK... as long as he stopped all that mess as soon as you two got back together. If he continued it, then yes. Uh oh.

[talaniman]

His motives and actions are no longer important to you, they are just painful memories. Know that, and shift the focus to you, and what makes you happy, now. Don't sit and mope, we all have to deal with our own feelings, so it may be a while before you can let go, but its up to you to cope. Positive actions are what recommended to help move on, despite the pain. Click on the links in my signature, and get some ideas, and positive actions.

[lavenderly]

Part of me want to tell you that you are better off without him. But part of me tells me he had learnt his lesson.

It is true that sticking with your instincts would be a good way to make the right decision. But I hope your instincts did not come about because you are angry, remorseful, or bringing up the past to judge him now.

Undeniably, many of us enjoy the external attention we get aside from our partners. Some of such events may just lead us to take a quick smile and turn back to our partners; while others might make us feel like we want to know the person more.

Your boyfriend was weak and he fell prey to this initial attraction. Perhaps the other woman led him on by giving him praises that flattered him, so he unintentionally got into a "verbal fling" with her.

I did not read about your history here, so I am not judging based on any of that. Just basing on what he did and how he felt regretful about it (he sounded very sorry even though he did not see her nor slept with her etc), I think he had understood his mistake.

If u got back with him despite all the ups and downs you had, perhaps the relationship is stronger than you think. But then again, if the relationship was going so well, why did you check his phone at the first place? It's a bet that you have got to take.

P.S. The reason he did not contact you yet is probably due to the time when you did not pick up his call. He might be waiting for you to cool off. Or maybe he is pissed that you over-reacted.

[HurtingALot]

ISNEEZE... No, we were together when these texts were sent and received. And strangely enough, things were going exceptionally well between us and I was under the impression that we were on the same page about the state of our relationship. That is why it is so hurtful that he would choose to interact with someone else, on whatever level it was.

LAVENDERLY... Was he regretful, yes. Did he beg for my forgiveness and ask me to please not leave him, yes. However, I don't think I over-reacted. This behavior is unacceptable to me on any level. He did see her once while I was out of town, though he swears nothing happened and I tend to believe that simply because of his reactions to me when he knew how upset I was about it.

Do you think that he'll try to contact me again? And if he doesn't, should I assume that we are truly through? Maybe it is for the best after all... but it still hurts. I just didn't see this coming and can't understand. It certainly was not that he was neglected for attention from me. I just think he was selfish... something I can get past and ever trust him again? Not so sure. The fact that I checked on him and actually found something is scary to me... what if I hadn't?

[talaniman]

Do you think that he'll try to contact me again?
Probably, ignore him!!
And if he doesn't, should I assume that we are truely through?
You can be through right now, whether he contacts you or not.
Maybe it is for the best after all....but it still hurts.
Yes it does hurt, but you learned something about him.
I just didn't see this coming and can't understand.
Deal with the reality of finding this side of him. You where fooled, but now you know.
It certainly was not that he was neglected for attention from me.
That's why you can't understand, you thought everything was great.
I just think he was selfish....something I can get past and ever trust him again? Not so sure. The fact that I checked on him and actually found something is scary to me....what if I hadn't?
It takes years of good solid behavior on his part for you to regain trust, and you where correct in being cautious of this relationship, after finding out the scary truth. What you do with the knowledge is up to you, I would stay out of unhealthy, scary relationships period.

[HurtingALot]

Tal... you are so right. (And you were sooo right the first time I was going through this... I sooo should have listened.) I could not/can not find a single solitary person (friends, family, even strangers who heard the story) to support my relationship with this guy. But in my heart, I so thought it could maybe work out. I started to believe him when he told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how I was the best girlfriend ever, etc, etc... I know that he def. took me for granted (he has even admitted this.)

My question is... (even though I know it shouldn't even matter, but it does) is: This is who he is right? This was not just him being a jerk to me because I allowed him to be, right? This means he is just a plain jerk, and will be to whomever he is with correct? And it is just a matter of time until he crashes and burns and maybe then he will realize how much he truly lost in me?? I can honestly say that I cannot take him back anymore... enough is enough (and if you knew how he spoke about my little son, and flipped back and forth between saying he would try to have a relationship with him and then told me that he would "never care for him, that he's just another kid to him"... ) ALL OF THIS... yet my heart still hurts. It just doesn't seem fair or normal to be suffering again because of him. I just want him to hurt and realize what a loser he really is.

I would never want anyone that I cared for to be involved with someone like this or to put up with any of the stuff I did... Yet I did... WHY?

Am I normal at all??

[HurtingALot]

Wanted to add... somehow I thought it was great that we had gotten back together... Somehow I thought that it was great that I had been the one to "get him back" as so many ask on these boards... and I truly thought that he and I were different and could get it together... then to hurt like this again? UNFAIR. This needs to be the end... Please help me to be strong and make this be the end...

These texts/communication that I found have only been going on since just before Christmas... so we did have months in between getting back together and anything "fishy" going on... (because I checked periodically... I know, I know, this was wrong, but I was so afraid of getting burned again). The communications have been going on for about a week though and we have been getting on great for what I thought was months... why would he start this crap? For attention? WHAT AN IDIOT!! And then to beg for my forgiveness? I don't think so. Not after hurting me this bad... not this time.

[lavenderly]

If that is your decision, u will do well as u seemed to be a determined person.
The crucial key here is to WANT to end it. There really are more things in life than a relationship. Try to think of other things and focus on issues that do not require thinking by the heart, but rather thinking using the brains.

A short while of feeling detached with your emotions can be of help. Think rational, not emotional. U are stronger than u imagine.

[talaniman]

Following your heart, got you kicked in the teeth, Try no contact and go through the pain until it doesn't hurt anymore.

[crushedovernover]

Best way to get over some one is to deal with it. Its funny, I have this gut feeling about my ex and I'm usually right but I have this gut feeling she will try to make a return. If I hadn't done know contact I wouldn't of been able to take myself out of the situation and look at it from the outside. I have giving myself time to move on, although not there yet but in the process. So for me my feelings are being delt with and you should do the same. Move on is such a tough thing to accept but when you are left with no other option it will become reality, no contact is good for this. Having ZERO contact is the best way to go. Even if you want him back just know it just won't work. Its weird, people on here say they are a "EX" for a reason. This statement could not be any better. THey are a EX and leave them that way. It might not of been you but in any case a EX should stay EX'D

[HurtingALot]

So it's been a rough morning... the weekend is here in a few hours and we had amazing plans together, which I have since cancelled. I have not tried to contact (nor will I) and I have not heard anything from his side either (for this I guess I should actually be grateful.) It is really hard knowing that we were to be together and have such great plans this weekend and he totally ruined everything because of his selfish stupidity. (not the first time... ) Anyway... my head knows the pain will not last forever, but my heart is not on board yet. It's definitely better than last breakup where I didn't even want to function... but it is still awful. Wish I had a timeline where I would know that officially on whatever day it is, the heartache would just be gone. And whenever that is, (if it truly does ever come,) it will not be soon enough. This is horrible.

[George_1950]

Asher123 (?) has a timeline, I believe, in his No Contact/Breaking-up piece. I don't recall the specifics, but then it will not help you today anyway. As you know, there is no magic wand or elixir to remove heartache.

You wrote: "He did say he met this girl one time... and they went out...one time, and NOTHING happened, just the phone stuff since then." Was that this Christmas?

Question 1: You wrote: "If he was into someone else, would he beg for my forgiveness and agree to cut all contact with this other person?" I guess I don't understand, "into someone else". I apologize, but when he saw how upset you were, shouldn't he apologize? Wouldn't his apology indicate that he was not into her?

Question 2: "...Why can't I stop craving this bad relationship? I am not a stupid person....I just don't understand." I think we tend to develop habits of behavior, some that are healthy and some not so healthy. Heartbreak is caused by a lack of mutuality in the relationship, as I understand it. Perhaps you have been putting too much into the relationship and have ignored doing things that are best for you.

This breakup is not ordinary, is it? Usually what happens is the breaker is less involved and has the easier time of it; in your situation, you are dumping him because he stepped across acceptable lines of behavior; or would you say he dumped you when he got into the text messaging relationship?