What does he mean?

upset17 · Jan 3, 2008, 07:29 AM

I have been seeing a guy for about 3 or 4 months after he left his girlfriend of 10years to be with me. He now is saying that the guilt of what he's done has caught up with him and he's too down to be what I want him to be. His ex keeps telling him it'll never work out with me and that he has ruined her life, and as a result he seems to feel even more guilty and is backing away from me. Last night I told him I felt I was unhappy and needed time to think as I felt like he wasn't enjoying things with me the way he should be. He keeps saying 'I've fallen for you so much'.

Does this mean love or something else?

We work together and today he's asked if I'm OK and apologised for upsetting me but otherwise can barely look at me.

I'm so confused. I think I should leave him be for a while until he sorts himself out but it's so hard when he's only up the corridor.

Please help

Many thanks
Xx

N0help4u · Jan 3, 2008, 07:49 AM

It could mean a number of things

A. His wife is making him feel guilty

B. His wife is making him feel guilty enough to want to go back to her.

C. Does this mean love or something else? Could mean *letting you down easy* or could mean he cares about you and not sure what he wants to do yet.

D. Definitely leave him alone for until he makes a definite decision one way or the other, because no matter what you do or how hard you try and *keep him* if he goes back to his wife you will kick yourself more for trying to keep him at this point.

upset17 · Jan 3, 2008, 07:52 AM

Do you think he would be going back to his ex for the right reasons?

N0help4u · Jan 3, 2008, 08:19 AM

Whatever his reasons he is the only one that can decide.

talaniman · Jan 3, 2008, 10:00 AM

You don't expect him to be over a 10 year relationship in 3 or 4 months, do you? That's unrealistic, and as you see premature, as he is not ready for anything yet, let alone a workplace rebound relationship. Leave him alone to heal himself, and decide what he really wants. Sorry, but either he handles his business without you, or you both will be miserable.

lavenderly · Jan 3, 2008, 11:45 AM

Rebound relationships seldom work out right. He left a 10 year relationship just to be with u. That is a HUGE decision he has made. Anyone can tell him he is wrong to take that leap, especially his ex. There will always be a soft spot for an ex.

If you want to keep him, do advise him to stop contacting his ex. Meanwhile, you have to act like a supporting friend and not a lover to him. Keep the relationship with him relaxed and not too intense; for the more intense it gets, the more guilty and responsible he feels for dumping his ex.

I am giving my opinion based on the fact that he has broke it off with a girlfriend of 10 years to be with u-- meaning he has given it much, much thought and perhaps has already lost passion in his ex.

If however he is still emotionally unstable, he needs to be left alone to heal. Whether he will get back to you after he heals is a totally different story. No matter what, your happiness is in your hands. Go for the long term happiness, not the short term relief.

upset17 · Jan 4, 2008, 02:23 AM

Thanks so much all very wise words. I am going for coffee with him this lunchtime, any words of advice? Want to explain to him that I don't want things to be too intense and full on for him... Is there anything I should avoid saying or definitely say?

sully123 · Jan 4, 2008, 03:59 AM

Keep the conversation light. Don't put anymore pressure on him then what he is going through. Tell him you will be there for him when he is ready to talk to you. Let him make his mind up, and good luck.

talaniman · Jan 4, 2008, 04:48 AM

Support with no pressure. Be aware though that you may end up in the friendzone, so best to have no expectations of a relationship, as you really don't know how he will feel, later. Also be aware that he may be gratefull for your support, and you both may mistake this for love. Good luck, just stay honest with yourself and your motives.

upset17 · Jan 4, 2008, 08:02 AM

Thanks so much for your advice, I took it and basically went along with good hummour and said that I didn't want to be an added pressure for him and that he should take his time with things. He said he loved being with me, that he'd fallen for me and that he wanted to enjoy our time together without him dragging me down with his guilt, and that the fact that he had fallen for me had made his guilt seem all the worse. He said he felt we both needed a couple of weeks to calm down and relax, and that he'd sorted with his ex that he'd no longer see her. It was really positive, I felt that he wanted to make things work and was really putting my feelings first. Hopefully he'll still want me after two weeks - what do you reckon? Any advice on how to be with him in the next fortnight? Thank you so much for your kind words. X

lavenderly · Jan 4, 2008, 11:32 AM

Well... when u said

Hopefully he'll still want me after two weeks

, that is not too healthy. U must not sound desperate now and do not place yourself in a position where he calls the shots.

U can be nice to him but not at his every beck and call. He wants the best for this relationship. Yes, but he only said it in words. In these coming weeks, let his actions speak louder than his words. Do not remind him that he is not supposed to contact his ex and sees whether he is willing to keep his words.

A final word of advice... DO NOT get in bed with him until after a few MONTHS!!

If u take the wrong turn, all efforts will be wasted. He will again feel guilty and ashamed of his acts. Turn him down wisely and with charm.

EuRa · Jan 4, 2008, 11:42 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't expect him to be over a 10 year relationship in 3 or 4 months, do you? Thats unrealistic, and as you see premature, as he is not ready for anything yet, let alone a workplace rebound relationship. Leave him alone to heal himself, and decide what he really wants. Sorry, but either he handles his business without you, or you both will be miserable.

I've given so much reputation to talaniman that I can't do it again, but this is so true!

upset17 · Jan 8, 2008, 04:48 AM

Since Firday he has been really attentive, sending me lovely messsages and generally being very nice. On sat he said he loved me and he said yesterday that he didn't want to lose me.

BUT he has also asked if he can take me away to a hotel for the night next sat, after we both go to a friend's birthday party. I want to and don't want to send mixed signals, but should I really be leaving him alone? Should I go?

X

talaniman · Jan 8, 2008, 05:43 AM

After 10 years of getting it fairly regular, what do you think this is all about? You have been warned of this very thing, and if you think this will bond you forever, think again. He is much to freshly wounded to be a good partner, even though the sex may be great. That will only complicate things, and another thing. Have you ever heard of rebound. After a long term relationship, he needs time to heal, and you are his nurse, and like all patients who get better, they leave. The danger of moving to fast with those love blinders on. What happened to all that guilt he had? Has it been replaced by lust? As he realises there is no chance of returning to his ex, he is turning to you to salve his ego, and drown his needs. This is not love, sweet as he is now, but he wants in your drawers, and for now thats it. Say NO, to that. All guys are sweet when there is a flower to be plucked, but he is dangerous to you, and your heart, and maybe he doesn't mean to, but he will break it, if you give it to him. Protect yourself, say No, to sex, and dating at this time. Drive yourself to the party, and go home alone. Workplace relationships are hard enough to manage, Rebound workplace relationships can be worse.

mafiaangel180 · Jan 8, 2008, 06:02 AM

Originally Posted by upset17

Since Firday he has been really attentive, sending me lovely messsages and generally being very nice. On sat he said he loved me and he said yesterday that he didn't want to lose me.

BUT he has also asked if he can take me away to a hotel for the night next sat, after we both go to a friend's birthday party. I want to and don't want to send mixed signals, but should I really be leaving him alone? Should I go?

x

Um, he said he loved you and didn't want to lose you in hopes that he could get into your pants!! Sorry if I sound harsh, but he just got out of a ten year relationship, I'm sure though it went bad, he probably has more love for his ex than for you at this time. I mean, it was ten years! That kind of thing isn't too easily wiped away...

talaniman · Jan 8, 2008, 08:34 AM

How old are you?? And him??

upset17 · Jan 8, 2008, 08:41 AM

You are so right, it's so obvious really when I think about it. Don't think he's being malicious but I am being a bit of a bandage for his wounds.

He got really worried on Sat night that I'd met someone else - it's so annoying that he had to feel threatened and jealous to start being as attentive as he should be anyway.

Ugh, Is there actually any chance for this relationship in the long run? I really like him and have done for years, I don't want to stuff it up by acting impulsively now and ruining things for the future. X

AnnieMac713 · Jan 8, 2008, 08:50 AM

I"m sure he's thinking, what have done. He needs to get a grip on reality.and realize your life is on hold.I"ve been married for 16 years to a man who never stops loving me.My husband gave me a sense and I'm very happy with my life and I'm very happy in marriage.Talk about what it takes to make both of you happy.GOOD LUCK.;)

talaniman · Jan 8, 2008, 08:57 AM

Are you sidestepping the age question??

ISneezeFunny · Jan 8, 2008, 08:59 AM

Yep. Dropping the L word so early is common in rebound relationships. He's trying to "continue" his old relationship with you... trying to fill his void of his ex with you instead. He's insecure, emotional, and currently very destructible (to his own emotional health).

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