[Michelle Miller]

Hi,

My husband and I are wanting to adopt a baby girl. We were suppose to adopt in October but, the adoption fell through. When we were suppose to sign the papers the girl never showed up. It has been very painful. We were really excited I had been talking to the mother for about four months. We had bought the baby a whole wardrobe and a carseat and they all still have the tags on them. I still haven't been able to return them. We are a loving stable couple. We would prefer to do a private adoption because, it just seems more personal. I guess what my question is. How do we go about finding a birth mom. I know there are lots of people out there looking for adoptive parents. We feel that we have been blessed and we would really like to share that with a child. If anyone has any good ideas on where we go from here I would really appreciate it. I feel we were ready to adopt months ago and I am ready to do it at any time but, I feel there is no where to go from here. If anyone could help I would really appreciate it.

Love,
Michelle:(

{E-mail address edited out-<>}

[Synnen]

You may have to try an agency adoption.

Most of the girls that I knew (myself included) that were considering adoption were very leery of private adoptions--because the adoptive family seems to have ALL of the power in a private adoption. THEY are the ones with the expensive lawyer looking out for THEIR interests--but who is there to counsel the pregnant girl about HER interests?

Private adoption, in many cases, is very threatening to a birthmom.

However, if you're determined to go through with a private adoption, you may want to post on any of the many websites out there that you are looking to adopt, and would like birthparents to get in contact with you.

[Michelle Miller]

Really,

Well I wish more birth mothers new more about private adoption. The adoptive family also has to pay for the birth mother a lawyer. They have separate lawyers. The one that is hired for the birth mother and the birth mother alone. That means this lawyer is there to look after the birth mothers interest. Also it is required that the mother gets to talk to a social worker for a counseling section before and after the adoption. I am sure the social services lady does not care if the adoption goes through or not as long as the birth mother and the child are okay. That is her job to make sure the birth mother is okay. That is part of her job. That is part of the reason I want to do a private adoption. Everyone is represented. It is also a lot more personal you can talk to the birth mother as much as the two of you want. You can go to doctors appts with her if she wants. All that stuff. I wouldn't mind getting to know the birth mother it helps me see where the baby came from. I would like to be able to tell the bay all about its mother and maybe father. I fill the child will want to know and it is the child's right. I have talked to some people that have gone through agencies. When they had their phone calls with the birth mom the agent was on the phone to. That just doesn't sound personal enough for me. Okay to sum up the AP have a lawyer and so does BM. Each persons lawyers looks out for them and their interests. Then the lawyers get together to make sure all the laws in both states have been followed correctly. Also as a want to be adoptive parent I will make sure the BM has the best lawyer I can find in her state. I want the adoption to be done correctly so there is no problem with the adoption. Also there is no way that I would be trying to trick the BM this is the BM to the child I will have. So she would be special to me too because, she is giving me a very special gift. Also if the mother wants I will be sending letters and pictures. I want us to be friends so when we are righting it is comfortable and it fills like writing a friend. I wouldn't mind keeping in contact with the BM because, when the child is old enough and the child decides it is ready if it is okay with the BM I will help the baby find her. The reason for this is I want what is best for the child. I know the baby will still love me even if the BM that comes back in its life because, we will be the one that raised it. Then the baby would just have to moms and be extra lucky that so many people loved it so much. Anyway I do wish BM knew more about the laws because, what you and your friends thought is not true. Did you have a boy or a girl?

Good luck,
Michelle

[Wondergirl]

Who hires the lawyer for the BM?

[Synnen]

I had a girl--she's 15 and dating now! (wow).

I keep in touch with the adoptive parents, and have since the beginning. And aside from the first year, we've left the agency completely out of the picture. We exchange letters and emails at least once a year, and more often if we feel like it.

I've never had a problem with agency interference. Not once.

More than anything else, it will just expand your options. I had the AP at a couple of doctor's appointments--by my choice, because I wanted to keep as many of the moments of my child's life that only *I* would get to myself, in a way. Same with delivery room. They get to raise my daughter, so I thought it only fair that I get SOME time that was special to just me.

The agency was just there for me, letting me know what I did and didn't HAVE to do. While at first I only met the AP at the agency, after time went on, we have met again without them.

Like I said--I'm just letting you know what goes through the mind of a birthmom. Most of the time, remember, she is alone and scared, and has no idea what the heck she's going to do. She loves her child, and would love to raise it, but somehow--for whatever reason--can't see herself doing so at this time. There is so much going on with her body, and with her life, and with EVERYTHING, that everything seems overwhelming--including EITHER an agency or a lawyer.

Good luck to you in your quest!

[Michelle Miller]

Well the adoptive parents do just because, they have to pay for it. If the BM wanted to choose who she used I am sure that would be fine to. The only thing is the birth mother would need to make sure that the lawyer specializes in adoption. There are a lot of lawyers that do a lot of different things. You don't want to hire one of those because, they might not know about adoption as they need to. When doing and adoption you have to make sure all the laws are followed so that there isn't any problems. So if the birth mother wanted to find a lawyer. She just needs to make sure the lawyer specializes in adoptions and not a bunch of other things. Make sure they have been doing this I would say at least 10 years so you know they are experienced. Make sure they are going to let you speak to a counselor. The adoptive family doesn't really care who you use as long as you are comfortable and they are a good adoption attorney. After you picked the attorney your lawyer would have to call the AP attorney to let them know they will be taking your case. At that point the lawyer will tell the AP how much they have to pay to obtain them.

So I guess the answer to your question is either one can. Whatever you feel comfortable with. The only thing is if the BM picks the lawyer the AP might just research to make sure they are a good lawyer. They don't even have to talk to the lawyer But, they will probably want to verify that they are a good adoption attorney for the BM's Protection and theirs. Just because if they don't know what they are doing they could mess up the adoption.

It also depends on the AP's I wouldn't have any problem with the BM picking their lawyer. I can understand how that would make them feel better. There might be some other AP that might not be okay with it. You would just have to ask the AP,

I hope that wasn't to confusing

Love,
Michelle

[Michelle Miller]

Yeah,

Synnen

I understand what you mean. She will have that support with private adoption to. She will have her own lawyer that is there to answer all her questions. She have a social worker providing her councel. Just with a private adoption I will probably get to meet the potential BM before any of that legal stuff and from the beginning we can talk or whatever as much as we want. I just feel it is more personal. I guess different things are good for different people. I respect that. I am glad that your adoption went good. Thank you for your thoughts.

Love,
Michelle

[bushg]

Michelle, The ob that I used with my first child had a book in his office's waiting room of couples wishing to adopt... They left their information in it along with their phone numbers or lawyers numbers.

[2bloved]

Hi MIchelle,

I hope this sends you in a good direction as it worked for my husband and I twice. Please contact Gloria Hawk at Adoption Advice and Guidance EMAIL REMOVED FOR PRIVACY

She is a wonderful woman and works with great ladies all whom have been through our struggles... Basically she helps you make sure you are putting your best foot forward with your process via your profile - helps you with ANY questions you may ask and then directs you several agencies to join based on your criteria - i.e. budget... race... etc... most of those places have very low or no sign up fees - like 250.00 or 500.00 she has negotiated them to... Then you have these agencies, PLUS Gloria working to help you find your little one... Yes she charges a fee, but other than for our children... it was the best money I ever spent... She was wonderful and still is... In fact we are engaging right now for our third.

She was our savior in this effort and I hope she helps you... Please tell her Mimi sent you... Every time I talk adoption I talk her first... and I just had another set of friends have success...

I hope this helps.