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jbaby3306 · Dec 30, 2007, 11:39 PM

While I was growing up, I wasn't allowed to do anything. I wasn't able to stay after school, go out with friends, talk on the phone, or even go out in the yard by self when I was 16. My mother was epileptic and the person she's married to was abusive to me and my mother. Regardless,I finally reported them to cps and got out of the house. Now I'm 19 and I'm living with my fiancé. The only thing is I find myself putting restraints on him like my "mother" and her husband used to do. Example: I won't let him talk to any girls, go out with his friends without me there. I check his email, his aim has the logging on it and I can go on forever. I've explained to him as best as I could why I do these things and he seems to understand and lets me do whatever I feel the need to do. Its just while I think I know why I'm doing it. I just don't know how to stop doing it... and as okay as my fiancé seems about this I know he thinks I don't trust him

crushedovernover · Dec 31, 2007, 01:22 AM

YOu don't trust him because you don't trust yourself.

EuRa · Dec 31, 2007, 08:30 AM

Bluntly: monkey see, monkey do. We are creatures of many things, and the way we are raised greatly affects who we are and the decisions we make for the rest of our lives. You may not want to be with your mom and step dad, but that's the only life you know, and because you are familiar with it, that's what you want to do.

Have you ever been single since you left your parents? If so, how long were you alone? You also may be dependent on relationships. The best way to change, is to be alone for several months and really think about things. Also, you could see a shrink. You don't have to be crazy to see one, they meerly help arrange thoughts in your head that allow you to think better.

George_1950 · Dec 31, 2007, 09:41 AM

Complicated situation; it is fortunate that you are able to see what is going on and want to know why. Check this: Tips On Building Relationship Trust

jbaby3306 · Jan 2, 2008, 06:32 PM

before my fiancé I was single for a while. I did do some casual dating but that was basically it. While I was living with my "parents" I was with someone but he was more like a best friend then anything else.

I think the shrink is a good idea, though I've been saying I should go to one for as long as I remember its one of those things I don't seem to get around to... especially now since me and my fiancé moved intogether things have been pretty busy.

the thing that bothers me most though is that I see what I'm doing, and I don't like that I'm doing it but yet I'm still doing it. If u can see yourself doing something and you don't want to do it in my prospective u should be able to stop, but its just not happening for me. And I guess that's the part that's just getting to me more and more.

not to go off on a random tangent but there's other things about myself that I notice that are small but are there.
also thanks to all who posted and for the opinons and suggestions

lildaisy · Jan 2, 2008, 07:37 PM

Originally Posted by jbaby3306

while i was growing up, i wasnt allowed to do anything. i wasnt able to stay after school, go out with friends, talk on the phone, or even go out in the yard by self when i was 16. my mother was epileptic and the person shes married to was abusive to me and my mother. regardless,i finally reported them to cps and got out of the house. Now im 19 and im living with my fiance. The only thing is i find myself putting restraints on him like my "mother" and her husband used to do. example: i wont let him talk to any girls, go out with his friends without me there. i check his email, his aim has the logging on it and i can go on forever. ive explained to him as best as i could why i do these things and he seems to understand and lets me do whatever i feel the need to do. its just while i think i know why im doing it. i just dont know how to stop doing it... and as okay as my fiance seems about this i know he thinks i dont trust him

Stop doing this. Trust me. You have to realize that he is not your mother or your past period. You are going to loose a very good guy if you continue to do this. You have to let go of your past. Start trying to trust him. Take it slow. If he says he's going out say "okay, have fun." and TRUST that he'll be where he is at. You have to do that much for him. No one wants a nagging girlfriend or friend in their life. I'm sure you have friends that have bf's that are WAY too protective and you look at them like "geez...does she even let him breath?" That's you! Wake up kiddo. You can change things about you! Let your past go and say to yourself "that may have happend then, but I can change things for the better starting now!" YOU have to be the one to put an end to all of this craziness or your kids will follow in YOUR foot steps. Please, for the sake of the relationship, let him have his alone and down time. It's only fair. He'd do it for you.

crispy_chick · Jan 2, 2008, 08:09 PM

I personally think that the main thing you need to do is deal with your past because this is where it comes from and if you can't deal with your past how can you change it? So really I think getting help to do that and even taking you fiancé with you on accasions so he can even get a greater understanding of it.
He sounds like a very wonderful and understanding guy if he is doing all that for you. You owe it to him though to let him go out without you though, you only have to start small like 1hour to start with where he will just go to a mates or something, work your way up, starting small sometimes is the best thing you can do.

talaniman · Jan 4, 2008, 02:52 PM

I think you just need a little guidance to show you how to change, a counselor can help greatly. At least you acknowledge the problem, that's half the battle. I think you are impulsively stuck on the ways of the ones that raised you.

shygrneyzs · Jan 4, 2008, 03:07 PM

There is a true saying that goes something like this, "if you do not learn from history, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes." People have given you some excellent advice here - getting to see a professional counselor, learning how to be single for a while (not getting involved with anyone until you get your head straightened out), learning how to let go of the control issues, learn to trust yourself first (then you can trust others).

ISneezeFunny · Jan 4, 2008, 03:23 PM

The whole "learn to be single" isn't helping her one bit... she's already with her fiancé.

... so in the fiance's point of view... there's a girl who's extremely insecure and doesn't trust him, but he understands and lets her act out her insecurities... and is very nice about it... and she up and leaves him?

Perhaps you could talk to your fiancé, go to a counselor, and ask both the fiancé and the counselor to help you get better.

jbaby3306 · Jan 8, 2008, 07:28 PM

I sneeze funny is right about my fiancé. I cant/wouldnt leave him since he's been there for me through most if not all of this. Some of which while it was still occurring. And he understand a lot of what I say/do. I think a counselor or a psychologist is a good idea though it seems like one of those things I say I'm going to do and just don't get "around to". Though I'm sure everyone knows what I mean when I say that. Though I'm not sure if my fiancé would even be able to go since he's busy a lot with work. ( works from home but works longgggg hours and his hours aren't set) so that might be a little difficult. Were actually also in the process of moving... but guess ill basically play it by ear. But has anyone gone through a similar thing where they know why there doing something but can't change it

cerisa · Jan 8, 2008, 10:16 PM

Jbaby, he will resent you eventually. What if it happens after you have started a family?
Wouldn't it wreck children's lives too? Another generation messed up. Do get into therapy, find a good therapist and work through your insecurities.

talaniman · Jan 9, 2008, 06:50 AM

He is understanding now, but you can bet he will be tired of your actions and then it will be to late to work on yourself. So keep making excuses why you can't deal with your issues. If he wrote this forum as you have, my advice would be to leave you alone, until you worked on your issues. I would then tell him, not to wait for you to figure it out, but to get a life that makes him happy without you. So you keep making excuses for yourself, knowing how miserable you may be making this understanding man.

jbaby3306 · Jan 9, 2008, 07:21 AM

I wasn't making excuses, I was simply saying that time will be an issue since for us there's actually a lot of things going on. i.e. moving working college etcccccccccc

ISneezeFunny · Jan 9, 2008, 09:24 AM

My ex from freshmen year of college sort of went through the same thing... not nearly as intense, but she would check my AIM, my phone, things of that nature. It didn't really bother me as much because I had nothing to be afraid of... I wasn't talking to anyone she didn't already know.

It got a bit weird when she would wake me up in the middle of the night, and while I was still groggy, ask me what her name was (so that if I called her by the wrong name, she would know that I sleep with other people). Of course, half the time, I would just mumble and grumble and go back to sleep.

Everyone here's right... he's OK with it now, but it will get tiredsome. It will hit him the most when he makes a new friend or meets a new co-worker or anything of that sort, and you won't trust him.

Go do something about it soon. He seems like a good guy.