[denice]

Oh you are so right. If it is anything but quite he gets so upset. I even turned off the phone and put a sign do not knock. If they belong here they come in. yesterday was bad. He woke up coughing blood. My brother went and got some herbs. And last night he sleep very well. We made some tea out of the herbs. And he was scared to drink it. It seems he is scared of the strangest things. Thank you everybody for written you would be amazed how much it helps just to read and write to everyone. Thank you again denice

[mafiaangel180]

Denice, Please contact your local hospice. I currently volunteer for one, and I know first hand that they really do help with the whole dying process and they will make your husband as comfortable as possible. If you are unsure about how to get ahold of one, contact the hospital to find out.

[Alty]

I hope that today finds you well and strong. My prayers are with you at this terrible time. I will continue to write every once in a while to see how you are doing. I know that we'll all be here for you if you need us. God bless you and your family. Take care.

[HistorianChick]

I lost my Dad in 2004 to tongue cancer. He fought bravely for a year, but in the end, it won. Even though its been four years, at times I'll still just break down and weep...

People say that time heals all wounds... time only numbs the pain and makes the time between tears easier to deal with. Yes, we all cry. We all break down... it is natural to do so. I'm sorry that you feel like you're dealing with this all alone, but believe me, you are not alone. Your husband is always with you in the memory that you carry in your heart, now and forever.

Two things that I have done that have helped me IMMENSELY are:

1. Take the time you need. I schedule in 10 minutes each day to cry, scream, weep, be angry, whatever I needed. You have to give yourself the time you need to grieve. Even now, four years later, I still need that ten minutes some days. It helps you to know that you have a set time that you can use to let out all your frustrations and hurts, then wipe your tears and go on until the next day. Believe me... the days that you use the ten minutes will become fewer and fewer, but knowing that the time is there is comforting.

2. Adopt a candle for him. I'm partial to Yankee Candle, but whatever you decide, pick out a special candle just for him. Mine is Jack Frost. Every time I burn the candle, I smell that pepperminty smell and it just reminds me of Dad. Burning candles is a great way to knit your hearts together and carry you through the tough times.

Hope these help you, and like I said before, you're not alone. Remember that you are who you are because of your husband's influence on your life - and you will continue to develop into the person that you will be because of your love and honor for him. Keep your chin up... and message me if you want to chat more.

We had hospice come in to take care of my Dad... please, contact your local chapter. It will help you in ways that you can't even begin to understand. My Mom now volunteers with hospice... she feels it is a way to give back. Hospice is still helping my family cope and grow.

You are loved. You are cherished. You are going to make it.

[JudyKayTee]

Denice, Please contact your local hospice. I currently volunteer for one, and I know first hand that they really do help with the whole dying process and they will make your husband as comfortable as possible. If you are unsure about how to get ahold of one, contact the hospital to find out.

Oh, yes, Denice - Hospice is simply wonderful, amazingly supportive for everyone. I didn't use Hospice because of our particular circumstances but they did come in and they were amazing people.

The only other thing - and I don't mean to upset anyone - be very, very careful of the Clergy. I walked into ICU and discovered a Clergyperson with my husband, a different religion, no one I ever met, no one I requested, no one my husband requested to see, and the Clergyperson was reciting the prayers for the dying. I'm sure she thought she was doing a good thing but it wasn't praying over him - it was prayers for the dying!

I found out later that in that particular hospital the Clergy can come and go as they wish - wandering in and out of rooms, invited or not. Probably a good idea in theory but a very bad idea in practice.

Needless to say she was out of the room in seconds, never came back and I ran screaming to the hospital administrator. No problem praying with/over my husband - but I didn't know what he knew or didn't know and didn't think he needed to hear he was dying!

[Wildsporty]

Denise,
I can fully understand how you feel. A few years ago I lost my husband of 34 years. We had been together since I was 19. My family was all grown up and my kids had their own lives. They were very much there for me in the end. Family and Friends can help a great deal, but when they are gone and you are alone is when it hits the most.
Yes when I was alone I cried, I cried at work, I cried in the car driving down the road, I got mad and yelled at God, I told him "I can't do this", but I did.
I personally decided against any medications, but instead I surrounded myself with work and people and my kitty that was a great comfort to me.
I don't know your husband's condition, but Hospice was a great help to me. They kept me sane. I also joined a support group on the internet where I met others going through the same thing and that helped me a great deal to cope with the feelings.
You are absolutely correct, you feel alone even when others are around and the feeling never goes away and the butterflies in your stomach and the not sleeping and the headaches and constant fatigue.

My husband has been gone several years now and I met someone and remarried. It was not an easy situation and sometimes I can still feel his presence at Holidays and special events.

I just want you to know that you can talk to me whenever you need. I know it is hard and unless you have been there you have no clue how hard it is and it gets harder before it gets better, but it does get better. Life does go on and you will go on with it.

Shirley

[denice]

Well yesterday was much better. Jerry was so upset he said he was a shamed that he was ill. No matter what I said it did not make him feel better. So I took him back to the doctors. They gave him some medicine so he did not get so upset. He was sitting there and one of the waves came on in front of the nurse. He gets very angry and stikes out. Well they saw it. And decided I was correct. I wanted to hit them in the head. So he finally got some good sleep last night. Me too. My problem is. You know some one is dying. And they do not want cancer treatment. They just want to be home. Well to be home let them be happy. And pain free if they wish this.

[susangpyp]

I would definitely recommend getting a depression screening and talking it over with your doctor. I would also recommend seeing if there is a support group and/or therapist nearby.

You need support, hon!! Please get it and take care of yourself!!

[Wildsporty]

Denice,

Hang in there, the anger your husband is feeling and showing is because he feels so helpless and men have a hard time with that. They don't do well being ill, they get angry and depressed and they lash out at those that love them because they can't lash out at anyone else. It is very hard to watch a healthy, active man progress into such an illness that saps his very being. It is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do or ever will have to do. When that happens picture the two of you at one of your happiest times in your mind, it will help you somewhat to cope with the horrible symptoms of the illness.

I strongly suggest you call Hospice. If you are getting Medicare or Medicaid help they will pay for the hospice. Than your husband can spend his last few months in dignity and pain free in his own home.

Those emergency room visits two or three times a week and than working and caring for others all at the same time will really take a toll on you. When my husband was so sick I almost made myself sick because I didn't eat. Emotionally I did not feel like eating, I didn't have time to eat and frankly I was just too exhausted to eat. I almost ended up in the hospital with him. Don't do that to yourself. The hospice can offer respite care. Take it and go shopping or to a movie. It is not bad if you do something for yourself, he will not die on the spot if you take a little time out for yourself. I promise you it will keep you sane.

Keep writing us here on the site, we will be here for you to talk to. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband that you will be guided through this time of heartache.

Remember one thing "God never gives you more than you can handle" you might think so sometimes, but he will be there to see you through it.

Shirley

[Alty]

Denice,

I've been thinking about you and your situation allot these last few days, I wish there was more I could do or say to help you through this terrible time in your life.

As I stated before, my father died of liver cancer, he was very confused and sometimes angry the last few days of his life. When the liver is riddled with cancer, all the toxins that normally get filtered will go throughout the body, brain included, at least that is how the doctors explained it to me. It's no wonder that this would cause confusion. My dad didn't realized he was dying until our entire family showed up at the hospital. He opened his eyes, saw his brothers, sister, nieces and nephews, and yes, his mother (and of course my mom and me) and he burst into tears. Thankfully he slipped into a coma one day after this and died 3 days after that.

I can't begin to imagine what it is like to loose your husband, losing my parents was bad enough. You are losing your mate, the man that you shared a life with, had children with, built a home with, laughed, cried and yelled with. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. Things will get better, I promise. For now I'm sending you a big hug and hope that some of the burden has been taken from your shoulders.

[dmw2155]

I think that the person is right!

[Calgary_girl]

My Husband is Dying and i feel so alone. I have a handicap sister also which I take care of. My brother is trying to help. I want to say thanks. But i will cry to much becouse i will have to say it out loud. I have tried to tell my daughter. She thinks he will be here for a few years and I am worried about nothing. I have not told my son everything. becouse he has two altistic children, and thats alot. Me and my husband know his time is short. We talk a little when he is not to tired. I let him talk to me. I thought about going to go and get some antideppresent. To maybe help me though this. What do other people do. I see some stand strong. DO they cry when no one is around.

Hi Denice its OK you do need to be strong in front of him but it is OK to cry. It will not be easy but you will get through it. Talk to your family and friends even maybe a counselor will help. I'm also a new user on here don't know too much on how to operate this but I will be here to listen if you need someone to talk to

[bradysmama17]

Well I was on antidepressants when my gradnfather died and my mother had to take me off them because I was "acting all wierd" I understand some of what you are going through I recently lost my father, and I feel now that I am older antidepressants might work a little etter, but they do have their ups and downs, like any other perscriptive drug. If you start to feel funny check the side affects. With most you can feel suicidal tendances, that's when you need to talk to your doctor immediately. Any way have a good day and I hope I helped you in some way.

[JudyKayTee]

well i was on antidepressants when my gradnfather died and my mother had to take me off of them because i was "acting all wierd" i understand some of what you are going through i recently lost my father, and i feel now that i am older antidepressants might work a little etter, but they do have their ups and downs, like any other perscriptive drug. if you start to feel funny check the side affects. with most you can feel suicidal tendances, thats when you need to talk to your doctor immediatly. any way have a good day and i hope i helped you in some way.

Grief and depression are two different things. Sometimes grief turns into depression but many times you just have to work your way through grief. It's part of life and losing someone you love.

[Wildsporty]

Denice,
I really think you would benefit more from a support group than from medications. The medications just numb you, they do not help you deal with the situation at hand and sometimes you become numb to the world in general.

There are probably hundreds of support groups on line. There are many you can go to in person in the community. Hospice will know of local support groups. If you would rather go on line than type in support groups for caretaker spouses and you can find them. Yahoo has many, the one I used to belong to was in Yahoo groups. They helped me a great deal through a tramatic time. I found some very kind caring people that were dealing with the same thing I was dealing with and since it was limited to members with ill spouses everything stayed within the group.

I found a local bereavement group after my husband passed at a local hospice. I met my now husband there and for a while we supported each other, cried on each other's shoulders and just were there for each other, for a long time. It helps when two people are going through the same thing and you can sit down and actually talk to someone that is facing the same thing every day that you are. It really means a lot. Whether male or female you will form a bond with that person that will last a lifetime.

Shirley

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=Wildsporty]... I found a local bereavement group after my husband passed at a local hospice. I met my now husband there and for a while we supported each other, cried on each other's shoulders and just were there for each other, for a long time. It helps when two people are going through the same thing and you can sit down and actually talk to someone that is facing the same thing every day that you are. It really means a lot. Whether male or female you will form a bond with that person that will last a lifetime.


Not saying at all that this was the case with you AT ALL but I went to one bereavement group meeting, sponsored by the hospital, and it was like a singles bar on a Friday night. I was absolutely horrified.

I certainly have male acquaintances - I work in a male-dominated profession - but this was like my first college mixer.

I am aware that all support groups are not the same but I think you have to be really careful and/or make sure you are ready for the socialization aspect.

[Wildsporty]

Judy,

My bereavement group was in the basement of the church, hosted by the hospice group. There were about 20 people all over 50. Not quite the college scene.

We took turns talking about our feelings and crying on each other's shoulders. Lots of hugs and lots of enchouragement. I don't know where your group was, but no it was not that kind of group.

The hospice people broke down the grieving process into stages and we tried to understand the different stages and where each of us were in our processes.

Families were there sometimes to try and understand how to help their grieving parents and spoke to us to help them understand what we were going through. It was a family type setting with a table and chairs. We all sat around a table and talked... and talked and sometimes we just listened when other's talked and didn't talk.

Most of all we tried to offer our support and encouragement to the others in the group. There were some parents there that had lost children and some children that had lost parents and spouse's that had lost spouse's.

This was not the support group, it was the bereavement group. I had to try a couple of different support groups before I found the right one. This was the bereavement group arranged by hospice.

We talked about everyday life and little things that were reminders and how to deal with those reminders. (I still deal with them at times). How to function when you are not functioning. A place you could cry or shout and no one would look at you funny.

No it was not a social group. It was a group of understanding, hurting people. It was a support group for this person I was back than that didn't know who I was . I was so scared and alone. Married at 19, my husband thought I couldn't do anything so he did everything for me.. I didn't even know how to put gas in my car... I was 52 years old! I didn't learn to drive until I was 34 when my husband got sick and I am still not a great driver! This group was so understanding and so helpful and so full of encouragement.

I went back to college with their encouragement and their nudging. I finished my degree and I am now making over twice as much as I was then and have a great career.

Yes, my husband was in the group, but only as a support person like everyone else. He did offer to drive me to the college in the large city which is the state capitol. He showed me how to fill my car with gas and he taught me how to drive on ice. We became friends over months and months of just being there when we were needed.

Yes, there are bad groups, but believe me there are good groups and they are not all social groups. That is why you need to find one through hospice.

When you find a good group of people going through the same thing you are, you will have friends for life. I am still friends with several of the ladies and gentlemen from the group. They are all going on with life, some are remarried, some are not and some are still grieving. We still get together once in a while and offer encouragement to each other.

Shirley

[denice]

Thank you all this makes it a little easier thank you all for being there denice

[JudyKayTee]

thank you all this makes it a little easier thank you all for being there denice

How are you doing? Is it getting any better? Thinking about you -

[denice]

Well he is stable right now. He is happy stoned and plays on the computor a lot. I have learned to fix it a lot. He is very unaware of what is going on. No time concept but he has quite falling for right now. We have moved in with my brother and his wife. We were all going to take a trip to fl. But jerry can no longer ride. He gets so seasick. So the kids are going to try to come up. My son has two altistic children. Pretty bad. So we shall see. But at least I can go to the store now and walk around outside. Thank you all for being there it really does help. I read everything. And my sister is safe too which helps me. Please all keep in touch if you can. It is all so nice thank you denice