[redaphid]

All threads merged


I'll try to be as brief as possible.
One of my sister's friends had always liked me, and after a few years of knowing she had a crush on me, I caved in and asked her out on a date. She was 16 (almost 17) and I was almost 20. After our first 2 dates, I went back to college 1600 miles away, but she maintained contact and was very interested in continuing a long distance relationship. This long distance relationship continued with no problems for 2 years, with me spending 3 months during the summer with her, 1 month in the winter, and multiple visits in between.

After the second year, she got into a college close to mine, and she moved in with me (surprising me, actually), and we lived together for 9 months during my senior year of college. We had a few fights related to her not letting me go to be with my friends, and she was pretty depressed I admit living far from her family and not knowing anyone. After I graduated, I promised to move wherever she wanted to go. She said she'd stay at her college, so I landed a job in the area, and rented an apartment between her school and my work. She was the one, as always, that wanted to move in with me. Then the summer came, and I barely saw her at all. I had a 3 week vacation to Europe, followed by a week in our town where I was with her constantly, followed by 5 weeks of separation while I worked at the job she wanted me to have. After 5 weeks, on our anniversary, I flew down to our town, helped pack her car, and drove for 24 hours straight to my apartment. When we got there, she broke the news: She didn't love me anymore, and was going to move out. Out of the blue. She dropped out of her school, spent the night at my apartment (awkwardly, still in my bed), then she left.

Immediately afterwards, she formed a relationship with the boyfriend she had before me (she was 16, now she's 20). I became an emotional mess, calling her, getting information on her from my friends in the area, etc. Through this I found out about the boyfriend. 4 months later, they separated, and now she's dating someone else, casually. I called her, after a period of about 2 months of NC, just to talk in a moment of weakness. I am in the area now, and I can't stop thinking about her. I kept cool during our conversation, talking and joking, and she explained that she separated from her boyfriend (without me asking), and asked if I was in the area. I said yes, and she said that she thought we should meet during the break. I told her that I would pick her up at 11:00 on Friday, and that's when she dropped the bombshell: that she had to be back by 4 for her date for "this boy she met in science" that it wasn't the first time she's dated him, and that they'd met several times. I said I wasn't going to be an opening act for a later date, and rescheduled for the next day. During this part of our conversation, she said "it's not like we're going on a date" and "I'm friends with Luke (ex-bf before me)...I don't know why I can't be friends with you...I mean we had 3 years."

What should I do? I read this forum a lot, and I know the majority of you are probably going to say don't do it, don't hope that this relationship can continue, etc. But I do still love her, and she knows it. I think I can keep my cool, but I would do anything to fix what she broke so violently 4 months ago.

In short, I want her back. Can I get her? What should I do? I have a day and a half until we're supposed to meet, and I hope that if I do something right, I may rekindle those feelings for me that she'd had for so long. Help me.

[George_1950]

It seems awkward to want to start over when you have already had a beginning and an end. She says it is not a date? And, "I don't know why I can't be friends with you...?"
This does not sound good to me.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Actually, you think you do, but you really don't want her back. She knows you care about her and she throws the "I have a date at 4" line of BS at you. She could have simply said, Friday's not good, how about Saturday?

Now tell me, if you were not that interested in her, she was crazy about you and you have a new date, would you throw it in her face or defer to another date? Of course not, unless you wanted to hurt her, were insensitive and mean, or insecure. Or, she could have said, "I want you to understand that this is just a friends thing, right?" and laid out the groundwork first, but not shove the new guy in your face.

If she didn't say that then she's not mature enough to have a long term relationship. Look at her pattern. Normal people do not jump immediately into another relationship and the next one you date is the boyfriend/girlfriend. If it was that simple there would be no dating sites.

Insecure people cannot be alone. My bet is that she is attractive and has always had guys after her so she can act this way. Keep in mind these types of people end up with either the weak man, who they can control, which makes them feel secure, or the dirtbag that blows them off and treats them like crap and they can't figure out why this guy isn't kissing their tail like every other guy. Either way they aren't happy.

Which one is she?

[talaniman]

Hi guy, hate to break it to you but your options are slim to none, getting back what is long gone. Actually, you should never have made that phone call. You can either wait for her to want to be BACK with you, or move on and stop waiting for maybe. Not good choice considering, but fact, no one can give you a sure fire way to get an ex back. I can tell you how to heal and that's to disappear from her life, since its obvious that any attention she gives you, you see it as hope she will choose to rekindle a dead cold flame.

[phil_stl]

the majority of you are probably going to say don't do it, don't hope that this relationship can continue, etc. But I do still love her, and she knows it. I think I can keep my cool, but I would do anything to fix what she broke so violently 4 months ago.

Well you are right, you are wasting your time. I wouldn't give her the time of day after she said something like what she did!

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Tal:

I tried to give you an agree but it said I needed to spread reputation. What is that?

[s_cianci]

Forget it. I think you're setting yourself up for a big letdown. Accept that it's over, move on, no more contact with her and no more talking about her with other people.

[aiyerrc]

Here's the thing:

You obviously still love her and I know you are dying to see her, but that little knot in your stomach already knows what the outome of going to see her is... as for your recovery, I would not see her at all and end all contact...

If you think you can handle the emotional letdown after you see her, the letdown being, she doesn't want you back and that seeing her only brought you back to the day she "dropped the bombshell", then do it. The only thing I see you getting out of this is some type of closure, which is strangely enough, a word I never see used on this website, and I don't know why...

There's a slim to none chance that you will get back together... lets for a second, say you do... whats the next move... yall are both older, and have separate lives... you are by now 23 24 with a college degree job, and you are willing to leave that for this girl(college dropout?) and start round 2 of yalls relationship?

You have to look at it as good vs. bad
Does the good outweigh the bad?
Would you drop your entire life just to be with her? Would she be worth it? What's to say this won't all happen in round to the way it happened in round 1?

You need to think logically, which I know is hard right now, because the heart wants, and usually always does, the opposite of what the logical choice is.

If you think you can handle the emotional turmoil aftermath that will ensue by meeting her, then go ahead... it could change your entire outlook on it, or it could send you back to square one.

Just think long and hard...

Keep us updated please!!

[George_1950]

aiyerrc: "the only thing i see you getting out of this is some type of closure, which is strangely enough, a word i never see used on this website, and i dont know why..."
The process of healing after a heartbreak seems to have stages, such as what one encounters following the death of a loved one. I believe there are similarities; and "closure" is one of those words associated with feelings after the death of a loved one, such as visiting a grave or memorial. One difference is that with heartbreak, most everyone is somewhat of an optimist, hoping for some kind of rebirth, so "closure" is not in the vocabulary.

[redaphid]

I forgot to mention also that this was my first serious relationship, and her longest by at least a factor of 3. I know her behavior is abnormal, and yes, I realize that it will probably be a form of emotional suicide to go through with this. There is a big difference between what I believe the outcome will be vs. what I hope will happen.

Yes, I would be willing to give the life I live now up for her, provided I felt she was devoted to me again. My life for the last 6 months or so was constructed for her, and I have no attachment to either my job or my location. She told me to get the job, as well as get an apartment for the two of us. Generally speaking, I was in charge of the relationship, but I gave her this control as a reward for moving out away from everyone she knew for me.

I can already tell she's different, though. Her voice is even different on the phone. Her flippant attitude towards relationships now is in stark contrast to how serious she always was about ours. 4 months later, I still can't understand how she can go from desperately wanting to move in with me, decorate, etc. to not caring about me at all, not caring if she ever sees me again, etc. I was in town several times before now, early on in the break-up, and I called her wanting to see her again. She refused the two times I asked, and since then I refrained from calling her when I was in town at all. I'm pretty sure she broke up with Luke within the past two weeks though, and this dating of the other guy, however casual, is again an indication of her bad behavior, right?

I just don't see how someone can change so dramatically. I mean, she liked me since she was 14. As a freshman in high schol, she told me she wished I would ask her out to prom instead of her current boyfriend. Her sophomore year, she kept "accidentally" Im'ing me while I went to college. I've been going out with her from her junior year until about 4 months ago.

So, as a supplemental question, how should I act around her tomorrow? I can almost definitely control myself to the point where I won't degenerate into a blithering mess, but how should I handle it? Like she's a friend I don't care about? Like we're on a date, even though she clearly stated it wouldn't be? Angry? Disinterested or interested? I definitely don't want to be one of those satellite guys, who orbit around a group of girls because they like one of them, but never have a chance and are doomed to "just friends".

Oh, she knows I still care about her by the way, as I called 2 days ago, foe the first time in 2 months, with a 2 minute call about how much my cat missed her, felt like she was missing, etc (we bought the cat together).

[George_1950]

" But I do still love her, and she knows it". Perhaps you are just too much in her face; no challenge. My guess is, she's got others in front of you. It doesn't matter what you are feeling; what matters is what she is feeling, and you are all over her. Just my opinion.

[lavenderly]

Contrary to your belief, I'm going to say that it is not impossible to get her back. She was 14 when she first loved you. She moved away from everyone she knew just to be with u. If you search long enough, there are indeed many articles on the internet that will tell you how to get your gal back.

BUT...

Do you know why I say that it could be possible for you to rekindle those old flames? It is because she is so easily persuaded to be with any new guy, just for the sake of excitement. Every budding relationship gives her the satisfaction she needs. If you remain distant long enough, you might even see her crawling back to u.

BUT... (again)

Is this what you want? Do u want the whole process to begin again? She left abruptly; u hurt deeply; she keeps you stringing along; u kept yourself away; she crawls back to you again.

At this age, frankly, she is not ready to settle down with just one guy. In fact, when she left you at first, she had already in her heart ran over the feelings she have for you over and over again. She is quite certain that she needs to know more guys and experience the things that a college girl does. Despite her longing for her first love, your girl can never stick to u.

[redaphid]

I see what you are saying, and maybe, if I were living in the same town, I would have a chance. That said, I'm pretty sure she wasn't crawling back to me, as much as I'd like to believe that. True, she did tell me without solicitation that she broke up with the guy (oh, male model by the way), and asked if I was in town, but at the same time, it was me that called her. I'd think that she's just trying to make herself feel better about the way she treated me if it weren't for her shoving the guy she's dating in my face multiple times. I tried to keep cool during this, but she asked why my voice sounded angry. She knows that it would hurt to tell me that, and she knows I like her.

That said, 95% of our relationship was the exact opposite of me smothering her. I wasn't used to having a girlfriend, and she was needy. I kept resisting the integration of our lives, though I did love her, until finally succumbing and buying that apartment for us. Yes, there was a long time afterwards when I would call her intermittently, upset and crying, trying to convince her that she still liked me, yelling at her for standing me up like she did, etc, and generally not acting like myself. This was stupid, and probably drove her even closer to the male model.

I don't know if this is what I want. I'm quitting my job in 6 months and moving anyway, but even under the best circumstances, even if everything turned out perfectly, I'd still be a fool to trust her again. What I would like, though, is a choice. I want at least the option of continuing the life that, 4 months ago, was a virtual certainty for me. I want this enough to risk getting hurt again, but I don't think I'll fall to square one. I'd just be betraying myself if I didn't do it. That said, does anyone have any advice, given my decision to actually see her? I'm glad the overwhelming majority is trying to keep me grounded, and not expecting anything, but I need to stay true to myself, and take this last chance.

[kuulski]

I hear you and wish the best for u. That being said I don't know what advice I can give other then Duck? Based on what you have said it seems she has chosen to be disconnected now by throwing things in your face or at least it seems that way. Could be she is just so disconnected she doesn't realizehow big a deal her saying and doing these things is to u. Maybe its cause of the way you were and she doesn't believe you care? Maybe continuing to try will make her realize. Maybe not. Just make sure you keep your faceguard on and remember to duck. Good Luck!

[talaniman]

We all learn at different paces, and in different ways. In the end its your life to live. But a helmet sounds like a good idea.

[redaphid]

The following is an account of earlier today, when I met Ashley for the first time in 4 months. Those not interested can just answer this question without reading: She's not interested in me romantically, but she wants to see me again this break. Should I do it?

So yeah, our meeting obviously didn't end up the way I hoped it would. We basically talked for about 4 hours, during which she repeatedly mentioned all of the guy friends she has now, including the one she is dating. She could tell it bugged me, but I held it together and
We just kept talking - about what happened, about what we'd been up to, etc. I definitely had to fight with myself to avoid the sort of intimate contact I was used to with her, instinctively trying to hold her hand, hug her, etc.
After about 4 hours or so, we headed back to her house. We talked a little more, and ate. I saw her sister, and made light conversation. Right as I was about to leave, I started a rather uncomfortable conversation, as follows:

Me: "I think it's pretty obvious that I still have feelings for you. And I think it's also pretty obvious that you don't have feelings about me. I don't want to end up being one of those satellite guys, who orbit a bunch of girls because they like one of them, but are stuck as friends, so I thought I should let you know."
Her: "So are you telling me you don't want to talk to me again? Because that's pretty mean to hang out with someone and then tell them you're never talking to them again."
Me: "I don't know. I like hanging out with you, but it's hard being in this house"
(It was very, very hard to see her new love interest's name tag hanging on the rack where I always would leave my stuff, next to her bed)
Then I made some comment about how we had sex in every room in the house as a half-joke, and she said jokingly "Alright, now you're leaving"

I lingered at the door for probably about 10 minutes, having false starts about leaving, then stopping. I hugged her, then told her this was the last time she was going to see me in 6 months.
Her: "You're here to the 6th. You can always visit me again while you're on break"
Me: "would you want that?"
Her: "Yeah. I mean, it's fine. I like talking to you."

Somewhere in our at-the-door conversation, I explained how it was hard for me because it seemed like no time had passed for me, but she felt like it had been a long time.
Me: "It's just so hard for me to believe, that you have no feelings for me at all. I mean, you liked me for so long."
Her: "If I still had feelings for you, I'd still be in Washington, wouldn't I?"
Me: "I guess"

During our conversation, she talked about the various things about the various guys that she's seen, and how they reminded her of me, which was nice in a way. She also for some reason decided to mention that she wasn't having sex with anyone, which in a way is a relief, if a shallow one.

I told her at the door that my only regret in life was the way I treated her when she (admittedly forced) moved into my room in college, and I explained how it's hard for me to get close to someone. I told her if I could do it again, I would treat her better. Then I left, obviously upset but not crying, after she hugged me again.
I got into my car, obviously upset, and she went outside to wave goodbye to me again as I left. This left me upset for about 20 minutes as I drove home, but I'm more composed now. Should I take her up on her offer and see her again, or will that only hurt me more? How should I behave?

[George_1950]

See this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Good luck!

[nustart56]

I agree with all the posts that you are setting yourself up for a fall. But, you asked how to get her back. Well given her pattern you really need to treat her like crap. Be forthright and just tell her you think she's playing a game and you don't have time for it. You don't want to be with someone that has slutty tendencies. Tell her she's too immature for you and you've met someone you would like to pursue further. She'll probably feel like she has to prove something to you and pursue you competitively. When you do see her tell her you don't have mush time before you have to leave and see if if she will take the bait. If you want her maybe you need to just realize that she's a manipulator, so play her game. Worth a try. What do you have to loose when you really think about it?

[redaphid]

So yeah, I left a couple messages about how she wasn't who I fell in love with anymore, the old Ashley wouldn't date multiple people just for the thrill of getting attention, and I didn't know if I wanted to see her again. I feel like . I told her I still love the Ashley I knew, but I didn't know where she was anymore. I don't know, guys. She was the only girl I've ever loved. I can't stand who she is now, and it kills me to see someone else behind that familiar face. I've been dealing with this for four months. She said she tried to visit my website several times. I feel, in a way, like I've gone insane. Where is she? Can people really change so much?

[redaphid]

I feel like I need to do something before I leave on January 6th, just to make sure there's no chance of ever being with her again. I'm leaving my job in 6 months, and I have a choice where to go: Hawaii, with my sister, or Arizona, where I have a chance of being with her again. We still get along great, but I don't want to be just friends. She loved me so much - I know she did. What can I do? Should I see her again? Wait?