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1ST TIME MOMMY · Dec 26, 2007, 03:55 PM

I have a problem with my husband watching porn or looking at dirty magazines or looking up porn on the internet or going to strip clubs and the thought of him jacking off makes me upset too. I feel like he should want to have sex with me instead. He always looks at other girls and makes a big deal whenever some cute butted girl walks by he even backs up in the store just to look down the isle at some girl. Sometimes I think he's just trying to make me jealous but then other times I worry he's cheating on me. We get along good for the most part. And we are even expecting a baby. But this has been going on for almost 2 yrs. What should I do.

peggyhill · Dec 26, 2007, 04:20 PM

Sorry you are feeling upset. First about the porn, I can understand that upsetting you. Some women don't have a problem with it, but others do. I'm sure you will get lots of different answers here about that. I think it just depends on the person and her moral views on the subject. The bottom line is, if it bothers you, you need to discuss it with him. Lots of guys look at porn, but not all. And a good guy will care if something he is doing is upsetting his wife. I think you should talk to him about how it makes you feel.

Him acting that way around other women is not acceptable in my book! It's bad enough that he acts that way when he is married, but especially when he is with you. It's very disrespectful, in my opinion. We're all human, and we all notice nice looking people on occasion. But, when you are married, you shouldn't be making comments about other ladies, or making such a big deal of what you saw.

I think you should encourage him to see a marriage counselor with you. It will help to talk this out in a neutral calm environment. And it would be really good to do it before the baby comes along. Congratulations, by the way! Good luck and I hope your husband shapes up!

Fr_Chuck · Dec 26, 2007, 04:43 PM

Tell him to stop wouid be what my wife would do for anything I am doing she does not like. Perhaps disconnecting the computer plug if he is looking at porn, thowing his books or movies out. Normal things wife's would do if there husbands were doing this

Choux · Dec 26, 2007, 11:07 PM

One rule of life, you can't control what other people do or think... you can only control yourself.

From what you describe, your husband is well into impersonal sex and masturbating. Does he have a well-rounded life or is he strictly into sex and perhaps drinking along with it?
Most men need to be active in the company of other men in order to feel more like "a real man". Somehow, he has to get into a weekly basketball league and a baseball league in the summer. That would be a start toward getting balance in his life.

He may have a "madonna"or "whore" kind of thing going on in his mind... that is, women are either good women/mothers or whores. This kind of schitzo thinking is usually the result of religious teachings about sex. Now that you are pregnant...

Lots of possibilities...

Can you face what is going on and both of you go to a marriage therapist? The longer this situation goes on without the deep fears meeting the light of day, the more trouble you will have in the future.

Best wishes to you and your husband. :)

ISneezeFunny · Dec 26, 2007, 11:19 PM

I'd hate to be the party pooper, but some people (not all, just some) actually enjoy spending time by themselves... (masturbating). Some prefer masturbation over sex. Weird, I know. But I've talked to a few of them... and really, they'd rather masturbate... because it's all about them.

Not saying that's your husband's excuse... as he goes to strip clubs, etc... so there's a deeper issue...

smoothy · Dec 27, 2007, 07:36 AM

Um... try not taking everything so personally. Guys like to look. For example my wife is the one that is quick to point out the women that have features I like, and she does it before I even have time to spot them first. She knows I'm not going to be chasing after them.

Now with that said I don't ignore the wife or her needs, ever. I watch porn frequently, and much of the time she is there watching it with me. Look at it this way, there are far worse vices to have. Count your blessings he doesn't have them.

And a FYI, I've been married for going on 17 years now.

Aussieman · Dec 28, 2007, 08:33 PM

You are wondering if he is cheating on you? Yes he is, just by looking at women the way he does. There is no respect there for them and more importantly, for you...

ISneezeFunny · Dec 29, 2007, 01:37 AM

Wait wait wait...

Just because he's looking at porn he's cheating on his wife?!

If that's the case... I'd hate to say this... then about 90% of men are cheating on their spouses/girlfriends.

I say 90%, because if I say 99%, I know at least 5 guys that will respond I Don't LOOK AT PORN. First of all, those who say that... you guys are lying! You have looked at porn, still look at porn, or will look at porn at least ONE MORE TIME before you die.

Does that make all guys cheaters?

Same thing with strip clubs...

And checking out girls... isn't cheating. I know plenty of women who are HAPPILY married but when they see a 20-something guy that's very good looking + built, they look just a TAD bit longer. That doesn't make it cheating.

excon · Dec 29, 2007, 07:43 AM

Hello 1st:

If you have a guy that likes to "look", then that's the guy you got. You're not going to change him. But, with a little negotiation, you can change the way he behaves about his looking.

Personally, I don't think "looking" is cheating. I have an old Volvo. I look at brand new Mustangs all the time. But I don't do it in front of my Volvo. Oh, my Volvo KNOWS I look, but only because I'm honest about it.

I respect my Volvo though, so I don't look when I'm driving her. It would embarrass her no end. Indeed, I think it would be quite disrespectful, if I gawked at a brand new Mustang with its soft gentle curves, IN THE PRESENCE of my Volvo. So, I always make sure to "look" when my Volvo isn't around.

I think you should be treated like my Volvo.

excon

talaniman · Dec 29, 2007, 10:56 AM

I think this bothers you more because you are pregnant. Not to excuse his behavior at all, he sounds like a kid, but, how have you been handling it the last 2 years?

Synnen · Dec 29, 2007, 11:25 AM

This is my opinion, and has nothing to do with any scientific evidence whatsoever:

I think women that are bothered by porn and/or strippers and/or women their significant other may or may not be looking at are the problem. Men LOOK. It's what they DO. Those few guys that don't are either gay or lying.

This is not necessarily a lack of respect on the guy's part. I mean, it IS a lack of respect if you told him you hate it and he still does it blatantly, but that's not the main problem.

The MAIN problem is a lack of self esteem. If you felt good about YOURSELF, then what he thought of other women wouldn't bother you. And if you felt good about YOURSELF, then you'd trust that when he was looking at other women, he was thinking of YOU.

So.. either you trust your man or you don't--and if you don't, what the heck are you doing with him? And being upset and hurt about a guy looking at another women is YOUR problem--work on yourself esteem, in my opinion, because men aren't going to change into women anytime soon.