[Tallulah]

My problem is my mother.

I am 23. Have just got home from being overseas for 18 months, so unfortunately, I have to live with my folks cause I am out of money.

My mother’s number one job is to be a mother – cooking, cleaning, having a nice home is her number one priority. And that is great. But I feel she goes too far. Both my parents treat me and my brother like children. They are highly critical of how things need to be ‘done’ around the house. 24/7. They meddle in our career paths…I have just got back from overseas and my mother has FREAKED out on numerous occasions about me not being able to get a job. (I am university educated and have had a number of ‘proper’ jobs. I am in NO way lazy and have been applying for jobs every day but she doesn’t seem to accept this.) I feel as though nothing I do is ever enough for them. Though they never say they are disappointed with us or anything like that. It is more in how they treat us and what they say…the subtle things…the bar is very high.

Home life has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have felt like I have been given all the Practical things in my upbringing (food & a roof over my head), but none of the EMOTIONAL ones. My mother is strict, uptight, neurotic. She is a hard type of person – not at all sensitive. My mother is known by her friends and family to have a dry sense of humor, and to call a spade a spade. She can be very cutting and mean without realizing it and she has a very difficult relationship with her sister for this reason. She does this to me ALL the time, and she even believes me to be lying when I am not, and she suspects that I do things in malice when I am not. For example – we went to the beach recently and I rolled out the beach towels and I had accidentally taken my brother’s new towel instead of my own new towel, which looks very similar. My mother FREAKED – she said exactly this:
“Good one. Why did you do that? I know, she didn’t want to get hers wrecked. Typical!”

So incredibly *****y, way off the mark – as usual – and totally unnecessary. She does this ALL the time. So immature. Anyway, my father agreed with her immediately and said ‘great, what will Joshua take? - an old grotty one!’ I hadn’t even been given a chance to explain…nothing. Anyhow, I turned around and screamed at her “you deluded, trouble-making *****!” in front of everyone, and went home on my own. This might seem a bit over the top, but I am seriously at boiling point ALL the time from this ****. My parents have been sulking since and I refuse to talk to them.

I never have ‘deep’ conversations with my mother or talk about anything personal. My parents never show physical affection towards each other. When my father attempts to do anything romantic, my mother shies away from hugs and kisses. I have never seen them kiss on the lips.

And surprise, surprise – both my brother and I have never had any significant sexual relationships. I have a HUGE problem with sexual intimacy. I feel that sexual relations are…disgusting, wrong…This never used to be such a big problem as many people I knew in high school did not have a boyfriend either. But as the years have worn on, I realise how many years of my life I have wasted. I regret all that wasted time that could have been spent building wonderful, loving relationships.

I know they mean well, but I just feel like my soul is being destroyed. The most annoying thing is that both, especially my mother, refuse to believe they are being overbearing or doing anything wrong. They believe they are showing us love – my mother’s favorite phrase is “actions speak louder than words” and she says it ALL the time. Whenever we get into arguments and this happens A LOT – she always walks away or waves me off. She thinks I am an ungrateful *****, and that I attack her, and that I don’t realise what she does for me. My brother is not as affected as me by all this…but I suspect this is because A) he is a boy, and B) he is a mommy’s boy and is doted on. He did however say to me he thinks my mother is jealous of me because I am smart (university educated, which she is not). My father - surprise, surprise - does NOT wear the pants in our household. He is a very stressed man and binge drinks quite a bit which drives my mother mental (she would never think to ask herself if SHE is the reason making him drink). He supports her over me 100% and is afraid to stand up for himself and exert his own opinion. Needless to say, I lost faith in my him in my early teens when I realized he wasn’t man enough to stand up to her. Though I must say, my father does not have a bad bone in his body, and he is only trying to keep us all together and to appease my mother. It is a hard situation. But I certainly feel as though he is manipulated by her.

And last but not least. Guilt. I feel ENORMOUS guilt for all these concerns. I feel guilt for believing my parents have brought us up the wrong way, and I feel bad about disliking my mother. But, the truth is, I think I feel all that guilt because deep down in my gut I know I am right.

We have a fraudulent relationship because I am closest to her. I live with her. I know who she is deep down (****ed-up) and I am not afraid to stand up to her and tell her what I think (she taught me that), which not many people do and which infuriates her because she can’t control me.

Don’t worry - I do not plan to live at home much longer. But does anyone have any advice about how to make this relationship easier? I should have had counseling years ago…is it too late?

[fredg]

Hi,
Just so you will know "where I'm coming from", I am 63 yrs old, married for 28 yrs. and have an 8 yr. old grandson. Been through a lot in life so far, and retired last year, due to family illness, now being a "primary care giver", so to speak.
With all that said, your Mom does sound like she is a bit neurotic!. to say the least.
NO, NO, NO... it's never too late to get some Professional advice and help.
You have taken the first step in Recovery from some very bad feelings you have about growing up, and your present state, having to, once again, live with your parents. The first step is to know there is a problem, then start talking about it, to find a solution.
I seriously doubt that your parents are going to do any changing now, after all this time; but it can happen, if they are willing to go talk with a Professional about how they act, and what they say. But again, I doubt that will happen.
It's up to you, not them, to talk with someone about all this. I know it won't change the fact that you have to live with them for a little while, but it can help talking about it. Find some type of Professional. If nothing else, look for a Marriage Counselor in your area, go talk with them. I know you're not married, but they can give you some good advice on "who" to talk with.
And about a job, the average it takes to find a job is about 6 months, according to the State Employment Commission offices in my area. I am sure you have signed up with your local Employment Commission, if you have one. They have some good leads for jobs.
I do wish you the best of luck, and just actually talking with someone about all this will be great help... such as a Minister, Priest, Pastor, or anyone who you can talk with in confidence. Get it off your "shoulders", and hang in there.
I do hope you can move out soon!

[nymphetamine]

I certainly agree with the above post. If your mom has refused to understand what she is doing for all these years then she very likely never will. I could be wrong though. Im the step child of a step mother. If you grew up a step child you might understand how that is. Welll I put up with the typical stuff step moms like to do. Lets just say I was not very happy at home because of it. Now my children and I are staying with my dad and step mom. Amazingly my step mom has not once nagged at me like she used to or made me feel like a storybook step child. She now talks to me and jokes with me. My brother now calls on the phone just to talk to her and boy is my dad jealous. He was just telling me the othe day" No one wants to talk to the old man. Everyone wants to talk to mama." So what Im saying is she may never change but If my stepmom could maybe she can but it would be surprising. Okay sorry for rambling on. You take care of yourself.

[Chery]

Thanks for sharing this with us - I bet this helped you get it all out a little and glad we are here to let you do so. Please don't feel guilty.
I'll tell you a little story almost similar to your's: There was this woman who was not married but humped around (with her girlfriend's husband and other married men) and all the time acting like the Virgin Mother herself... She became pregnant, took a bottle of Pernot (a french alcoholic drink that makes women contract and miscarry) to try and get rid of the baby. The baby survived, although had a heart defect. When the baby was 5, this woman got married and later had two legal sons which she doted on and made her illegal girl-child take care of these two boys ever since she was 10- so she really had no childhood either. The child was never allowed to have friends, her step-father was not allowed to be nice to her, and the woman drove him to drinking too which eventually killed him. This woman could never ever compliment her daughter on anything in life and always complained about one thing wrong or another, and also that she was not worth saving money for college or the man she almost married - a doctor. This lady actually told the doctor that her daughter was the wrong person for him and that he should find someone better. The boys grew up to be influenced by their mother even though raised by their half-sister and they enjoyed playing tricks on her which until today they will deny. When this woman finally died of emphesema, her daughter paid for the death certificate 300 dollars, and the funeral at 3000 (she picked the cheapest one) and to this day did not get any cent from 'Mom's wonderful sons'. While growing up, this young lady tried everything under the sun to please 'mom' and get just one word of approval, which never came. The yound lady is now a 55 year old who is a recovering alcoholic, dry for 25 years, got rid of a battering husband, paid for her own med-school, has a wonderful, loving daughter who just told her on Christmas that there is a baby on the way which makes this lady very happy and proud. She has been used and abused many times in her life, and has had help through extensive therapy, worked in general medicine, until becoming a therapist herself because she wanted to help others and her cancer, spine, and arthritis - all due to the initial abortion attempt, prevents her from practicing medicine - and the relationship between her and her daughter is the most loving and caring relationship she could ever dream of. By now, I guess you've found out who that abused, rejected and unloved child was - ME.
So, you see, there is hope, just bear it for a few until you are back on your feet, see a good therapist to get it all out, work on it and forget the old woman - she did not work on deserving your love and you are not obligated to her for anything the rest of your life. My uncle knows exactly what I went through all my life and understands even today why I still hate her because she used to beat me with a horsewhip too, but the remainder of my life is OK now with a lot of work and strong will on my part, so I know you'll make it too. I wish you all the luck and strength, and if you'd like to PM me, or continue to let it all out here - please feel free. You'll get all the support you deserve here from us, dear. Your mom has made her bed, but she can't force you to make it the same way. Do your own thing, girl, and work toward your peace and freedom. Got a little emotional there, forgive me...

Hope the coming year will bring you joy and freedom of guilt! Happy New Year!