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aboleth · Dec 29, 2007, 01:07 AM

If she's not going to take this time and miss me, then there isn't anything I'm going to be able to do.

My friend talked to her today, and he basically said to me she's hopeless. She otld him that she just thinks I "need to get over it". That's not good new obviously... I DO want her back after all.

But you know something... I didn't feel as terrible when he said that... I knew she'd been saying that to me all along. She didn't say that no, it was never a possibility.. she just told him I needed to get over it. Unfortunately for her, that's exactly what I'm trying to do right now. Get over it. I'll take her back, definitely... I'll love her so much more passionately. But, the truth is, whether I feel that way or not, I'm going to have to accept her answer as it is right now. I'm going to have to accept that it may never change.

She did call me once today, and texted me once. I didn't answer the call. I let it go to voicemail. It was about some bill I needed to pay part of. The odd thing is she knows I don't get paid for a week, and she knows I'm broke right now... I think she just wanted to communicate with me for some reason or another. Then she texted me asking if I got her message saying we needed to talk soon.

She wants me to hang on to her and talk to her, even if she doesn't want me. Anyhow, the bill isn't getting paid until I get paid. She knows that, and perhaps I'll call and talk to her about it then.

Still hoping I'm making the right move here, but keeping some space between her and myself is at least a lot less torture for me.

I also had a girl stay over last night... she's a friend, and we're not romantically involved. She's going through a divorce right now. We've always gotten along really well, and being able to spend several hours talking with someone else going through it helped. I'm going out with her and doing some of the things I may have normally done with my wife, and we're going to a party on Saturday, as friends. My heart isn't ready for a relationship, but my heart also feels good to have a female around who cares about me, even if we aren't taking it any further.

And heck, when my heart heals, who knows what the future holds.

Nick

talaniman · Dec 29, 2007, 06:15 AM

She did call me once today, and texted me once. I didn't answer the call. I let it go to voicemail. It was about some bill I needed to pay part of. The odd thing is she knows I don't get paid for a week, and she knows I'm broke right now... I think she just wanted to communicate with me for some reason or another. Then she texted me asking if I got her message saying we needed to talk soon.

She wants me to hang on to her and talk to her, even if she doesn't want me. Anyhow, the bill isn't getting paid until I get paid. She knows that, and perhaps I'll call and talk to her about it then.

This jumped off the page at me, as a perfect example of how you are twisting in your mind, her motivation. She knows your payday, and is letting you know in advance of an obligation that needs YOUR attention, and nothing more, and its not just to hear your voice, but to take care of business. Shared finances have a way of being lost after a break up. At least your finally accepting the break up, and if you deal with the past bills, She will have no reason to bother you and no contact can heal you.

ISneezeFunny · Dec 29, 2007, 07:42 AM

I agree with tal. If she said HEY, I STILL HAVE ONE SOCK THAT BELONGS TO YOU... then that's calling for attention.

If she says PAY YOUR BILLS... that's saying PAY THIS CRAP AND MOVE ON.

Here's an upside: at least she's not saying... LET'S SEE WHERE WE STAND IN A MONTH OR TWO...

Good luck.

George_1950 · Dec 29, 2007, 07:50 AM

"She wants me to hang on to her and talk to her, even if she doesnt want me." This is symptomatic of heartbreak, denial of what you previoiusly wrote: "My friend talked to her today, and he basically said to me she's hopeless. She told him that she just thinks i 'need to get over it'." I have called it a mind trick; Talaniman has written that this is what causes impulsive actions, i.e. phonecalls, emails, texting, etc.

Aboleth, don't knock No Contact when you don't believe it and haven't done it. I would just refer you to the two stickies, or the hotlinks on Talaniman's notes.

nicespringgirl · Dec 29, 2007, 01:00 PM

Life is not all about fun and excitement. That's what most people need to learn in this society.

aboleth · Dec 31, 2007, 10:05 AM

Well, she came over last night after I hadn't talked to her for 5 days. She seemed to listed a bit more about some of the realizations that I've come to about the relationship, and how much I know she's been hurt. I tried to keep it mostly about her for the time being. I didn't really want her to come over, because I knew it would be a step backwards in my "recovery". She's still not budging... I've tried everything. Now I'm sitting here about to cry... again... I called her and she rejected my call, I was going to talk to her and ask if anything I said last night had sunk in. She won't answer me, so I left a message...

I don't want to give this up... Still don't know what to do... I guess I'm just going to accept it for now and keep trucking in my own direction. This is so damn hard... she looked beautiful last night... I love my wife so much, I wish she loved me back.

Now I feel lik I've taken a step backwards... all the pain resurfaced again... Perhaps she's doing me a favor by not answering... I don't know. All I know right now is I'm heartbroken to the extreme. I'm going to have to stop torturing myself over this eventually... it's just so hard when I know this breakup is a mistake for both of us and we have feelings still... She's just not seeing it.

*sigh*

aboleth · Dec 31, 2007, 10:09 AM

Yea... by the way I'm going to stick to no contact again, obviously the bills have to be paid etc, and will require some contact... but I'm going to try and keep it as little as possible until I can heal up. Just feels like I'm giving up on my wife by doing this, but you guys are probably right...

Homegirl 50 · Dec 31, 2007, 10:42 AM

OK, I'm not understanding something here. All of this has happened almost a year ago, she had been gone for almost 6 months, why are you still at this?
What kind of relationship did you have while you were dating for 7 years and what made you decide to finally marry? Then what caused you to think you no longer loved her?
Depending on the answer to these questions, it may be you wife is just too angry and will not come back to you. She is telling you in many ways that she is done.
I can understand that after 7 years it's hard to say good bye, but do you still love her or you just don't want to say good bye.
If she is going out with all these men are you going to be able to take her back if she wants to come back without freaking out, or are you going to decide you don't love her anymore like you did before?

George_1950 · Dec 31, 2007, 10:56 AM

You wrote: "it's just so hard when I know this breakup is a mistake for both of us". This a mind trick ('denial'?) when you make that judgement for her because, really, you can only decide for numero uno, you.

You wrote: "Just feels like I'm giving up". Another mind trick, in which you are accepting the responsibility and fault for all of it. I'm still doing that 30+ days later, but I'm able to see it and adjust. You need to look out for yourself, see the issues, and make the adjustments. By the way, are you a sports fan? You know what happens when your team fails to recognize what the opponent is doing and fails to adjust? What happens during every half-time of every football game? Between innings of every baseball game? You think they are talking about girls or the stockmarket?

aboleth · Jan 3, 2008, 07:40 AM

Homegirl 50:

Well, yea things have sucked for about 6 months, this is true. The relationship before we were married was awesome. I would have never asked her to marry me after 5 years of dating if it wasn't. What caused me to think I wasn't in love anymore... I guess the inevitable "loss of spark" that can happen after things stay the same too long. I believe we both lost some interest, and weren't feeling the same excitement. I never actually didn't love her, perhaps I just didn't know the ups and downs of love well enough at that point. And yes, she's sure mad at me... and at the risk of soudning like this is "all my fault" again, she has every right to be mad. So do I, I suppose. If we're going to get past this then I think there's going to be a lot of forgiving and forgetting involved. I can forgive and forget, so that's that.

George:

Yea I'm blaming myself a lot here. Hard not to when you know that things could have been different with some work on your side. I'm just trying to get her interested in me right now, and then we can both work on things. Again, I want to see a couselor.

Nick

jasondbel · Jan 5, 2008, 05:22 PM

My god you are perfect!

aboleth · Jan 7, 2008, 11:21 PM

Well, to all of you who have taken the time out to respond to me, I appreciate it. It's of course been a tough time. I've pretty much been spending most of my time cleaning up, working out, etc. My heart is slowly healing I suppose.

A few updates.

Found out she's basically hooking up with more guys over the internet... and not even for relationships, just sex. This is not the person I married. I had a lot more respect for her than that. Either way, if she's been sexually involved with other men, I'm not going to be able to take her back. The intimacy won't be the same, and I'm not willing to take her back after that. It sucks, because I love her... and at this point am actually concerned about the life she is choosing for herself right now, but it's her life, and that's not going to be my concern anymore.

I do feel good knowing I did everything I could in my power to make the marriage work. I'm a loyal, trustworthy man, and she's losing that. I'm losing the woman I love because she just went down a road I couldn't follow her down. I need loyalty, commitment, compassion. None of which I've been getting. So, after all is said and done, I'm going to be better off. I tried, I tortured myself, I cried enough to grow a flower in the desert. Now, the tears are turning off, and sometimes... I still want to cry when I think of her, but I don't. I prefer not to know what's going on in her life right now.

As for me, I'm talking to a few women here and there. Obviously my heart isn't into a real relationship right now, but it makes me feel better to go out on a date. Makes me confident that the right one is out there for me somewhere. I've been talking to a 26 year old neuroscientist who is HILARIOUS and beautiful. If she wants to go out with me then perhaps my ego is getting a much needed boost lol. (we're going out Saturday by the way, and yes she is aware I'm coming off a breakup) We'll see what happens. It's kind of weird how the heart works... sometimes things just click you know? Anyhow I'm definitely not looking for sex or a fling, just looking to get out there and talk to some quality people.

So, yes... I miss my wife terribly. I loved our life together (until recently) and I'll keep those fond memories. As for being with her again, well, it's just not going to happen at this point.

She came over unannounced today, and I told her that she cannot come over without calling me first. She needed some things, we talked a bit, and she left. She was crying and very hurt when I told her that I didn't want her to just come by, which is odd to me seeing how she's been so very cold and didn't seem to want anything to do with me. I need my privacy now, and having her come over is not helping me heal at all. Give it a year or 2, then perhaps we can be friends... right now, not going to happen.

Still wishing things could have been better, but I hear the fat lady singing in the background... so I guess the show is over.

Thanks a lot for all of your support.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 8, 2008, 07:51 AM

Sorry things did not work out for you two and I wish you peace in your decision.

talaniman · Jan 8, 2008, 09:17 AM

Are there no kids involved? No mention of them and I find that odd after all that time.

aboleth · Jan 10, 2008, 02:32 PM

Nahh, no kids, and no house... Everyone says that makes it easier... They are probably right, but I tell you what... my heart is still incredibly broken right now. We do still have to talk about some things... Sucks to have to... I'm trying to stay away from her. This is all very very hard. Right now I'm feeling kind of depressed and thinking about her. A friend is picking me up soon so hopefully that keeps me occupied. I start counseling on Wednesday. Again, thanks to everyone for their help, I'll keep you all updated.

Nick

aboleth · Jan 13, 2008, 10:29 PM

Still pretty depressed, but things are getting better I suppose. Until her things are out of my house I don't have much of a choice but to talk to her now and again. I was stupid the other night and when she came over I turned into a total emotional wreck... Not helping the situation any.

Seems like she's also snooping on what's going on in my life, and sends me texts etc asking me who I'm with or where I've been... I usually don't respond. It sends me a very confusing messages, because if she didn't still care for me, why would she ask? She knows I'm pretty miserable and am willing to work on things... She also knows I'm trying to move on here and that I've gone out with a few girls, none of which I told her...

I'd like to be with her, sure... But I think right now what I want more is just not to know anything at all about her. She's sooooo different than she used to be. I guess I still feel rejected, and that she thinks there's a better man out there for her than me. What a sucky feeling.

Should I continue with as little contact as possible and just hope she works this stuff out in her head? We've had very little contact (most of it was necisarry), and it always seems to put me back at square one... Just keep wondering why she seems so interested in my life if she doesn't want me? ARGH

Homegirl 50 · Jan 13, 2008, 10:52 PM

Don't worry about why she seems interested. Continue to have as little contact as possible. This is all about you now. Get yourself together.
I wish you the best

aboleth · Jan 16, 2008, 07:22 PM

Thanks, just got back from the couselor. Helped a bit. She's coming over to get her things on Saturday. I won't be here. Her reason for not going to counseling was that she had a date with someone else... Pretty hurtful... I don't want to know that... Anyhow, I'm not going to be talking to her at this point, I've done what I can.

George_1950 · Jan 16, 2008, 10:23 PM

aboleth writes: "...I've done what I can." That's what I would call a big step forward, coming to that realization.

aboleth · Jan 20, 2008, 09:37 PM

So, she came on Saturday and took all her things... "our things". Whatever you want to call it. We split things up pretty well. I had organized some things the night before, but I made sure to be out of town while she came to get stuff. Coming back home hurt a lot... Cats are gone, a lot of my art, and the dishes... a lot more too.

Other than to ask for something she hasn't contacted me. I of course wish she would, but I'm trying to stick to my guns and move on solo. I'm still sitting here wondering what went wrong and how we got to where we are... I never thought things were so bad. The day before she came to get her stuff we had to talk about arrangements, and she was crying telling me how this was all so hard for her. I don't get it. If it's so hard why won't she let me back into her heart? I'd be happy to see a therapist, work with her, and make this better than before... She just doesn't want to work on it. I didn't say these things on the phone and kept it strictly business, but I definitely thought about things...

She signed a lease at a new apartment, and will be moving in there on Wednesday. Some part of me thinks I forced her into these decisions by pushing too hard for her to make one. I'm not blaming myself, but in that situation I'd probably have been pushed really far away. So, she made her decision and moved ahead with leaving me by getting her things and signing a lease somewhere else.

I feel with this lease signed, and her getting new things, that it will be much harder for her to come back, but I suppose that's the way it is going to be. She's been living with her mother, who isn't too fond of me, and now she'll be going into debt to get furniture and things for her new place. Damn, I wish she'd put on the brakes and let me at least try counseling with her.

I'm feeling especially heartbroken tonight for some reason. I know it will get better, but with all the mixed messages, it's hard for me to accept things as they are. She seriously was the light of my life for a long time. She's probably been done with this relationship for a long time too... If I had known it would have come to this I would have done a million things differently. I know she'd have worked on it with me, back when she was still willing to communicate. Now, all the doors seem closed. I don't really know what to do... obviously talking to her won't help. I guess I'm just going to hope she calls me one day? Does she have to go through an inevitably bad bounceback relationship? Argh...

Anyhow, I'm still hurting pretty bad. I think I'm going to get out of town for a bit in February. Get my mind off things.