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aboleth · Dec 25, 2007, 02:11 PM

Thanks for the replies. I's 28 and she's 27...
Man today was hard... I broke down at my parent house.. I just couldn't sit there and do the whole christmas thing without missing her so much. She told me she was going to call me today, and I hope that happens. It's kind of hard to talk to her and not badger her about getting back together with me, even if I know this probably isn't the best thing to do. If she calls I'm going to try and stay upbeat and make her laugh a bit.

These problems need to be addressed, but I'll first need a gateway for communication with her.

talaniman · Dec 25, 2007, 03:48 PM

All due respect, but this is your wife, and your married, either get it out, so it can be dealt with, or leave her alone. Give her a week or two, but forget the small talk. Just my opinion.

jasondbel · Dec 25, 2007, 04:51 PM

The relationship is tainted. Too much is I the middle now. It will take some serious counseling to resolve this one on both of yalls part. She has to be willing as well. Relationships with break ups hurt. But this too shall pass. It might seem like the end but his is a new beginning. It seems to me like she has guys on her bandwagon and all you have is her. No good my friend. Next time (if there is a next time) make sure you don't put your entire life into a girl. See guys get hit on once a month maybe even once a year girls however get hit on once a day twice a day. They can pick but if you stay up on your game on the things you love and don't allow a person to to suck the life out of you... it seems like you turned into a lost puppy following this woman around and when you were emotionally at rock bottom she bailed. I promise you she did not lose all of herself because you see where she is at. It's a different set of rules. You need a girl to take it off your mind and go do the things you love to do. Allow the pain to surface, face it,deal with it and by that time you'll be able to move on. That, she cheated she is with other guys you are too good for that. You deserve better than that. You deserve a woman that will stay through sickness and health. She is a energy vampire. There is a book called energy vampire. Go get it.

jasondbel · Dec 25, 2007, 04:53 PM

Ive seen it too many times, a girl like that will get it back oneday. Its time to divorce and maybe if you prove she cheated you could possibly get allomony.

stonewilder · Dec 25, 2007, 05:20 PM

s_cianci agrees: But he can't take all the blame on himself. She had a part in it too. Same for your situation.

I completely agree and I told him this in a privet message.

aboleth · Dec 25, 2007, 05:42 PM

Well, divorce... hrm... I'll be honest. I know in my heart I'm better than to have a girl do this to me. It's true, she's really done some things YOU DO NOT DO in a marriage. It's also true that I've done some things YOU DO NOT DO in a marriage. This may sound kindergarten... but I started it. Honestly, I did. I told her I didn't love her, I kicked her out, I repeatedly overreacted, among other things. I could write a book right now and tell a LOT about all the things I know you shouldn't do in a marriage... lol. (omg I made myself laugh, small victory)

This is kind of where the importance of marriage and commitment come into play, for me at least. I know I could stop the contact, I could stop putting myself through this, and I could just let it be. Marriage means you stick to it. I'm not ultra religious, and I don't share any fundamentalist type views about marriage. But I do take it seriously. I waited over 5 years to ask my wife to marry me. I would never have asked if I didn't know I was 100% willing to work through anything, no matter how hard.

Giving up is an option. You know why people commit suicide? They gave up. I realize this is different, but it is the end of a life, it just comes with the beginning of a new one. So, I'm not going to give up yet.

I'm looking for "forgive and forget", and it will need to happen from both ends. There is no garuntee she will do this. She really is at the point of not wanting to really talk, and not giving me a single signal of hope. She's telling me there "is no more you and me". Right now I really want to work on opening her up to me a little more, and hopefully helping her to see that I'm a great guy again. (and believe me, I am a great guy!)

I'll keep you updated, and as always, thanks so much for your support. It's amazing to me how people take time out of their day (even on christmas) to help someone they will most likely never meet.

Thanks,

Nick

aboleth · Dec 25, 2007, 10:44 PM

Well, my wife came over and watched a movie with me. I really really tried not to talk about the relationship, but I did break down and ask about it for like 5 minutes...

Again, she was disgusted... I'm pushing her further away.

I want to stick to my guns here and not overwhelm her with this, and try to show her I'm a competent capable man that she wants to be with. I've been trying to get back with her for a month now, and much more the last few days. How badly have a hurt my chances here? If I were to give her some space do you think she'd forget about all the begging and compromise talk... I know this stuff doesn't work, and I'm just naturally compelled to do it. I don't want to make any more mistakes... My marriage is on the line.

Thanks.

Wondergirl · Dec 25, 2007, 11:46 PM

I don't think you are the one making the mistakes.

aboleth · Dec 26, 2007, 12:16 AM

I hope not...

talaniman · Dec 26, 2007, 08:03 AM

If trying to prove something gets you the stonewall treatment, then I strongly hope you change your tactic. This is not all your fault and to give her a pass for the sake of pleasing her is not going to work. Take a realistic look at this relationship, and see if its all you want also. Maybe its you who need space to evaluate yourself, and how your relating, as her unwillingness to talk honestly is a red flag. Will she do counseling?

talaniman · Dec 26, 2007, 08:19 AM

You may be married but there is no honest communication, or willingness to work together. Its probably been this way a while. Frankly, I think for awhile you should be apart, and if her reaction is to seek out other males, that's your signal that this relationship is to unequal. Just curious, what was it that was confusing you initialy? It had to be serious enough to question your love for her. What was it?

Crista · Dec 26, 2007, 10:49 AM

Hi there,
I have some advice for you in this situation, read this great book, " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." By John M. Gottman

When you said that you didn't love your wife anymore. You in a way, turned the spark between you off. Your wife, I know, was hurt extreme. If my husband said that, all my trust and all my love would begin to fall apart. I know you regret saying it but you have to do more that what you have been doing. The book is the best thing than any counselor. Read it and go back to her and tell her how you know you needed to work on making the marriage stronger.
When your wife goes on dates with these guys, she is soaking up their attention, because she feels like her husband doesn't find her attractive and lovable anymore. Secretly, she wants her husband to come back to her. If I were her, I would want my husband to search me out, find me and in front of the date I'm on and in front of everyone, propose again.

Good Luck

ISneezeFunny · Dec 26, 2007, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by Crista

If I were her, I would want my husband to search me out, find me and in front of the date I'm on and in front of everyone, propose again.

I'd be wary of this... what if when he proposes, she thinks about the time he said I Don't LOVE YOU ANYMORE... and says NO?

.. that would REALLY f--- this guy up... a LOT.

Crista · Dec 26, 2007, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

i'd be wary of this...what if when he proposes, she thinks about the time he said I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE...and says NO?

..that would REALLY f--- this guy up...a LOT.

Hmmmm, I guess your right, but why live in denial anymore either?? It takes two and if one person doesn't want the relationship anymore, than it's basically done.

jasondbel · Dec 26, 2007, 02:01 PM

You're an idiot. You obviously haven't been with too many women. She sucked his friggin energy and now he is at bottom. The only thing he can do is find another girl and leave her alone until she comes around. The ball is obviously in her court jackass

jasondbel · Dec 26, 2007, 02:05 PM

He loves her and she is dangling herself to him like a donkey and a carrot. That's bull. That's mental abuse. What, is he going to shake her and say come back to me now? I don't think so. She cheated because he said he didn't love her in the heat of an argument. Stop blaming yourself man. What happenes happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Time heals. Move on. Start the divorce proceedings let her know you are filing. Go regain you self energy back. Become strong again. Time heals.

stonewilder · Dec 26, 2007, 05:13 PM

jasondbel : you're an idiot. You obviously haven't been with too many women. She sucked his friggin energy and now he is at bottom. The only thing he can do is find another girl and leave her alone until she comes around. The ball is obviously in her court jackass

Well you're right about one thing... I haven't been with many woman, actually none. I don't swing that way baby.

aboleth · Dec 27, 2007, 12:45 AM

Well, today is my first day of no contact... man it was hard. I did go to my parents house, then went to some friends to hang out. I've been watching movies, and trying to keep myself occupied with working out and getting some things done that I've been procrastinating on.

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just curious, what was it that was confusing you initialy? It had to be serious enough to question your love for her. What was it?

Well, that's a good question. I wish to god I knew specifics. It's almost a year ago now. I will tell you that I felt that we were losing some of the "spark". I mistook it for love being gone. I still loved her with all my heart. My aunt told me she wished she had pulled us aside before we got married and talked to us. She would have told us that people say stupid things, that people will grow, and change. That when we don't feel like the spark is there, that we have to look into ourselves to create it instead of blaming the other person. It's good advice.

He loves her and she is dangling herself to him like a donkey and a carrot. That's bull. That's mental abuse. What, is he going to shake her and say come back to me now? I don't think so. She cheated because he said he didn't love her in the heat of an argument. Stop blaming yourself man. What happenes happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Time heals. Move on. Start the divorce proceedings let her know you are filing. Go regain you self energy back. Become strong again. Time heals.

Yea man, it is mental abuse. Really. I get it. I'm not trying to be offensive to any women, but I've learned that logic is not their forte in relationships a lot of time. It's all about how they feel, and what kind of interest level and feeling of security they have with their man. You're right as well, what happens happens. If we could tell the future we wouldn't be posting here. In any case I will BECOME STRONG AGAIN. I'm hoping that the things I can do for myself will help her to see the man I really am. I'm a lovable, loyal, smart guy. I have a great career. I don't cheat. I remind my woman I love her. I'm confident! Right now she's not going to see all of these great things while I'm being her puppy dog. She's going to see that or she won't.

Crista. I wish so much I never "turned the spark off" with my wife. Regret is a powerful emotion. She's definitely seen this other guy, and said there was no sex or kissing. I'm hoping it doesn't evolve into this. I know that a rebound relationship won't work anyhow, and I'm also hoping this dude loses interest... But one thing I'm really trying not to do is think about it. If I want this to work, I need to be able to forgive and forget. We can tackle these issues in counseling. As for making a scene, and trying to show her my undying devotion, it's not going to work. She's not in that mindset right now. It might work down the road, but only if she's unhappy with her life. The movies imply this works, but I'm not a believer. I do assure you however, I've told her how much I love her, how much of a commitment I'm willing to make, etc. Saying it again isn't going to make her suddenly believe it. She needs to see a man she is attracted to again.

Anyhow, I'm unsure how long I should hold out on contact. I have a friend of mine who is giving her some attention, and taking her out to do stuff, and hopefully this will get her mind off this fella she went to see on Friday. Luckily he lives over an hour away, so it's not like they can just han gout all the time. My friend is also going to try and put in a good word now and again. She really trusts his opinion and loves to hang out with him. (OMG it's a guy I'm not jealous of!! Believe me I don't mind if my wife talk to other men, it just depends on how she met them and why she wants to talk to them!! I'm not the total jealous bastard that she's making me out to be!! ). I'm hoping he can help to give her a little perspective and get her to give me a call about counseling. She doesn't know I've been talking to him about any of thisn, and he's not going to be telling her. With any luck, after a few laughs with him she might be open to talking about it to someone besides me.

So, in the meantime, I'm not going to push it. I called a few couselors today, and am going to make a choice on which one to go to soon. I hope she'll call me in the next 2 weeks, and "wants to talk", but we'll see. Either way, I'm going to get help for myself, and if my couselor wants to talk to her, then he/she will call her.

Thanks again for the replies. Every situation is unique, and I've gotten a lot of ideas on how I may be able to go about getting my marriage back. I may not go along with some of it because that's where my heart is, but even the advice I don't take provides a wisdom of choices.

Nick

jasondbel · Dec 27, 2007, 04:08 PM

I think she is an energy vampire and sucks up energy from everyone because she has none of her own

jasondbel · Dec 27, 2007, 04:13 PM

It takes more than a couple words to turn a spark off. This woman obviously has no love for herself a false sense of confidence and she doesn't just want your attention she needs attention anywhere she can get it. What kind of background does this girl have? This is pissing me off because you don't need this . No man needs that. Move on. Forget about her. You have nothing to proe to her. She ruined this relartionship not you. Your obviously a man who knows no other women. That's why this is going to be so painful.