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1985_NANCY_1985 · Dec 19, 2007, 03:54 PM

Hello everyone my name is nancy and I want some advice please; :)
I am 22 years old, I got married when I was 19 years old... and I just had a baby she is 9 months old... my problem is my husband I am sooooooooooo tired of him because I found out that he keeps on communicating with his ex girlfriends he talks with them on the phone,and even chats with them... and he sweet talks to his friends and acts totally different with them.:( ohh and when I tried to see who is calling him he gets mad if I get near the phone and when he is chatting he tells me "what do u want? are you spying or what?"
When the baby cries he perfer to be on the computer instead of checking to see what's wrong with her.He doesn't change diappers, or give the baby a bath and when I ask him to he is like "your the mom"... I am very depress sometimes I feel like running away... When it comes to his friends he perfers to be out all night long he gets home at 5am or later he doesn't even pay attention to me.. he doesn't say that I look beautiful or give me a goodnight kiss.. :( Right now we are in vacation with his family and instead of taking me out he perfers to be home all day sleeping and when the night comes he is like "ill be right back i am going to see a friend" and leaves me here with the baby... Sometimes I feel like I HATE HIM, I just can't stand him no mor.Everyday I feel like if he is killing all the love that I used to have towards him. I don't admire him like I used to, I don't love him like I used to.I want to divorce him but I think about the baby I don't know what I should do please if someone read this give me some advice please I need it... :confused: THANK YOU...

talaniman · Dec 19, 2007, 04:42 PM

What an oaf. Was he this way before the baby, or is this something that just started.

mjl · Dec 19, 2007, 04:50 PM

First of all, I don't think cheating has to be physical (referring to him calling his ex- not that there is anything wrong with it if it is innocent, I'm talking about if it is unappropriate).

Secondly, I think you guys need some marriage counselling.

Does he know how you feel? He can't read your mind you know. Communication and honest is the key to a great marriage.

bushg · Dec 19, 2007, 04:55 PM

I am a true believer in staying if there is anyway possible, esp if you have children but...
Why don't you try writing him a letter and talk to him about the way you feel, that way he can read and reread it. Also it is not like you will be standing there for him to walk away or get off topic. This way you can say everything that you want to say without being interrupted or blamed.
I don't think I would mention divorce at this point to him.
You can come back here as much as you want we will be your sounding board and will lend all of the advice that we can.
Tal the poster above is a very good man to receive advice from.

George_1950 · Dec 20, 2007, 12:16 AM

Counseling is first and foremost; you just have to locate a competent counselor. Second, short of divorce is 'legal separation'. Look into this possiblity; you will need a lawyer who is sensitive to family issues and not just after the quick buck. It may be that your husband will wake up before you leave him.

oneguyinohio · Dec 20, 2007, 12:37 AM

Good Luck, it's not an easy thing. It seems as if he never grew up, and isn't into the parent thing. The fact that he is not taking those responsibilities is disgusting to me as a father who was the primary care giver of a son for the first three years of his life until his mom unilaterally decided she wanted out of the marriage...
I don't understand his thinking other than to say that it seems to be only of himself, and if he is not attached to the baby, what is the difference where you are?
Talk with him if he will listen, try counseling if he will, and do the best you can for your child.

talaniman · Dec 20, 2007, 07:52 AM

Giving him the benefit of a doubt he may not have the skills to deal with an infant, nor the willingnes to try. Talking to the ex, and ignoring you is a different thing though. That's something you do not have to tolerate, and if this change is recent, more the need to communicate honestly, and reset boundaries with him. He may get away with not changing diapers, but He can't get away with disrespecting you. I think a wake up call is in order, you and your baby go on vacation, to give him the alone time to see that his family is important. Visit mom or a friend, and let it be a big surprise to him. As a matter of fact, you can take your time letting him know your gone. Sometimes, before you can communicate, you have to have their attention.

Marie Mission · Dec 21, 2007, 03:10 AM

Hi Nancy,
I feel for you because it is so hard once there are children involved. It does sound like your husband either has a peter pan complex - and does not want to face fatherhood - since it would mean he would have to grow up. Or has low self-esteem and needs the attention of others (past girlfriends and current friends) to boost his ego and make him feel important. Either way, it stinks for you. I think if I were you I would start looking my best and showing him that you can have your own life without him.

simonehitchings · Dec 21, 2007, 04:16 AM

Hi Nancy,
I agree with Marie, show him you can have your own life.
I have three little boys ages 1,2 and 3 we go out every day and have fun.
Mothers group. Playgroup etc.
I go out with my girlfriends when I get the need, for dinner, night clubs etc,
He sounds like he may be a bit young, he could grow out of this behavior hopefully.
We all have the hard times, when we completely hate our husbands.
Yours sounds like he is being a complete pig lately. Ignore him and have fun with your friends. If his behavior doesn't start to improve in time and your really unhappy then think about the next step.but be careful because even the people you think are the happiest in the world go through there ups and downs, you have to survive through them, be strong within yourself. Unless he cheats. That will be harder, he will grow out of contacting his exs when he realises how boring they are. Id hang in a while pretend you don't care have fun with your daughter. Let him grow up, if he doesn't, with time then think about what you should do.

talaniman · Dec 21, 2007, 06:42 AM

The last two posters had a very good point. Be responsible for your own happiness.

CarolinaChick · Jan 3, 2008, 10:07 AM

Wow you just summed my life up! I am in the same boat as you. I am sorry... its a horrible horrible feeling. The only difference is my husband doesn't contact ex girlfriends. My husband is a complete a$$hole and is very very mean. He completely changed when the baby got here... he used to be a wonderful person. I don't know what it is but all I can say is that I am getting ready to take that next step but I am waiting for the right time do it financially. I need to be stable for my son & I know I will be! Hold on hunnie I promise you WILL be OK. You just need to figure out what's in your heart. Your child will be fine whatever your decision is but remember one thing, as someone told me on this site, do you want your child to grow up learning from his bad habits much less always seeing you unhappy. Your daughter can feel the tension and your unhappiness. Good luck whatever decision you make.

Emland · Jan 3, 2008, 10:56 AM

Some men behave like juveniles after a baby comes along. They aren't confident in holding or feeding the baby, they are jealous of the attention you give the baby and often, we moms look like hell a great deal of the time due to the baby's schedule.

You sound overwhelmed and he is being a jerk. It is time for you to call in some reenforcements. Ask for help from friends and family. Talk to him in a calm way - not after he has done something stupid. Make sure he knows where you stand. Tell him that partying all night is no longer acceptable if he wants to keep you in his life. Tell him you expect him to help you with the baby. If he doesn't want to - then you might as well leave since he is serving no purpose in your child's life anyway.

Try to hang in there. This is the worse part they were talking about in your vows.

robgun · Jan 8, 2008, 01:11 PM

I think its time you put it all out for him to know and let him hear how you are feeling, and if he cares he will try to make a change for you, to me it just sounds like he doesn't respect you at all, I should know I have done some of those things in my first marriage I was exactly the same way, he's not ready to grow up yet, I think he has missed out on a lot of things and he's just not ready for a commitment. You cannot let the baby decided your happiness, if your not happy in the marriage how do you think the way that you and your husband act towards each other is going to affect your child? I say you make him away of how you are feeling and if he is unwilling to change you need to start thinking of a way to get out and move on.

uninvited1974 · Dec 1, 2011, 05:47 PM

Hello: Too be honest I feel you should let him know how you feel at first before anything. Communications is MUST, if once you let it be known and you feel you let it be known too much and you still get no reaction from him then the second best thing is to leave the relationship I can understand you have a child together but at times you don't need that negativity around you child. Yes some men can be hard-headed and stubborn but in every relationship for every action there is a reaction. Giving him the idea of you leaving will give him that wake up call that you know what she is not playing no more.

Maybe some time apart to find yourself will do you good and will help you out with finding yourself as a young mother and a loving person again. I had the same experience and I decided to leave to better my mind and to have a better peace of mind for my kids, Now I am happy to say I enjoy my kids more and there father is struggling with there new life. Karma is a Bit*h...