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Brandino747 · Dec 18, 2007, 03:57 PM

After the most amazing 3 months of knowing this girl and having the strongest connection I have ever had with anyone it came to this...

In her past, she wasn't the most reliable and honest person with her previous boyfriend of 6 years. She broke up with him and met me 2 weeks later; we had fun for the first two months. She implied more then once that she wanted to be with me, but I kept holding off until 2 months of knowing her to commit to her.

The relationship took off, we fell in love. You, we had our "tiffs", most of then stemmed from me reacting to things in less then a cool way... getting frustrated at her about some of the things she does or says or doesn't say.

Last night, she told me in very crying words that she hit an insecurity wall about her past and how she was. She told me she was questioning herself and our relationship. Although she told me she didn't want to split up now, she did say she wanted a few days to come to a conclusion.

It scared the hell out of me. I told her I was here for her and I would give her her space. At the same time I did break down and cry, she found it releiving that I did saying "if you didn't I'd probably be really hurt."

What I want to know is... how can I deal with her insecurity and be the person that she will WANT to come back too. I am thinking to totally limit the conversations to just having her call me and me not calling her... Which she did call me today, and she sounded much better and stronger. She said we would talk soon, I told her that she would have to call me cause I respect her wishes too much to call her.

Last night after we talked she did text me it said "Thankyou for coming over tonight. It means a lot to me- i care about you so much and i hope you are sleeping well. I am starting to get a grip on things already. Thankyou for everything and all that you have dealt with. The fact that you are still here for me after all of this shows me so much. Love and miss you xoxo"

I also told her I am here for her. I would even be willing to be to therapy sessions with her and be with her. I told her everything she is feeling is normal and fine. She thought these were great words, but honestly I know that if I don't detach myself from her for these few days and I stop saying these same things then she won't come around.

What can I do from here on out?

Brandino747 · Dec 19, 2007, 06:12 AM

Anyone?

bushg · Dec 19, 2007, 06:21 AM

In her past, she wasn't the most reliable and honest person with her previous boyfriend of 6 years.
This is not a good sign... how can you trust she will not do this to you. At least she was broken up with him before she met you.

But honestly I know that if I don't detach myself from her for these few days and I stop saying these same things then she won't come around.

What would you really like to say to her... It sounds as though you are saying 1 thing and feeling another.
Regardless of what she chooses you can't let yourself get so wrapped up in her that you can't function... go ahead with your life.

Brandino747 · Dec 20, 2007, 05:49 PM

So, if any of you have followed my previous thread on "she wants space (potential break up) then you would know why I broke it off with my girlfriend. She thought and still think I am the best guy that has ever entered her life. I just happened to meet her at the wrong time. Two weeks before meeting me she got out of a 6 year relationship... so I was the rebound guy.

She was falling out of love for me but didn't want to end the relationship... so I did.

I do eventually want her back, and this is my question. My friend tells me that if I totally just stop talking to her and she will come around when her feelings are better.

BUT, I made a promise to her (to ease her pain) that I would still be her friend and still talk to her on a regular basis. I even said I wanted to go out to dinner with her next week, as friends. This all made her feel amazingly better but still hurt.

What should I do? I want to eventually one day be back with her (only when she is emotionally ready to be)... should I cut the contact to a minimum to keep her heart growing founder of my absence. Or should I be her friend and stick with her. I am afraid that being her friend and sticking with her on a regular basis would make her see me as a better friend then a potential boyfriend again.

Anyone run into this issue before? Any tips?

B

talaniman · Dec 20, 2007, 06:27 PM

I think this is fallout from leaving a 6 year relationship, and not being completely over it. You can be patient and respect her wishes, but not at the expense of making this your priority, or neglecting other areas of your life. Simply put she has to deal with her issues, and who knows how long that will take.

talaniman · Dec 20, 2007, 06:33 PM

I give you credit for respecting she needs time and space, but being a friend who hopes for more, may not be wise, or realistic. But if you can keep the expectations low, and be a REAL friend, and have a very well balanced life yourself, you both can benefit.

Brandino747 · Dec 20, 2007, 06:35 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I give you credit for respecting she needs time and space, but being a friend who hopes for more, may not be wise, or realistic. But if you can keep the expectations low, and be a REAL friend, and have a very well balanced life yourself, you both can benefit.

I agree. At the same token I may lay a little low. I don't want to be in her hair, I want to keep a non needy presence.

Cause, in reality I am somewhat over her. One day I do want to get back with her, but ONLY when she is OK with herself. I am thinking I should really just lay low, and keep my contact with her limited until she gets better.
B

ilovcali · Dec 20, 2007, 11:02 PM

I think you made a very wise and very difficult decision by breaking up with her. Now, MOVE ON. DON'T BE HER FRIEND.

You can't "help" her, or ease her pain. That's not your job. You're an ex, regardless of what circumstances you have. Now, be an ex. Leave her alone. By being there as her friend, the only thing you will do is make her realize you're her friend. Going back to what you had, will be very tough.

Leave her alone. It's not mean. It's life. Plus, you're not as over her as you think you are. NO ONE ever is.

Break-up means break-up. Don't make it worse by making gray areas.

--Cali

Brandino747 · Dec 25, 2007, 11:21 AM

So...

I broke up with my girlfriend about a week ago. It wasn't a nasty break up; we both didn't want it to happen at all. We really were perfect for each other we just met at the wrong time (I met her two weeks after she got out of a 6 year relationship)

The break up was hard, for both of us, more so her. We both tried to remain in contact but every time we talked it actually pushed us away from each other cause our relationship kept creeping into the conversation. I talked about NOT making any contact with her at all for a few months but she didn't like that idea. I also asked her if she ever saw this boat turning around and us possibly, after the break, getting back together. She said there were no guaruntees.

So, we made the point to go no contact for a few weeks.

I would think the no contact route would work in terms of her wanting me back. I have really gotten over the break up quite well. I think if we do meet for coffee (like she wanted to) and if I am my cheerful self and we Don't talk about how we used to be and just keep it very light and casual then she will come around.

Have any of you ever done this, with success? I do realize that at any moment now I could meet another girl and this would all seem silly... but I am very receptive to being with her again, but going REALLY slow with her to feel the waters.

How long is a good time to wait. I would like to see her before my semester beings on Jan 14th... what do you think?

Matteus · Dec 25, 2007, 04:04 PM

You said nothing about why you two broke up, how long did the relation last, etc. With such information we could give you some tips. Anyway, I already posted some material about getting an ex back, but I can't guarantee it will work, in your case or any other case. Just because, although people read through them and admit I'm saying the right things, they still do what their mind tells them to do, which in fact is wrong. Whatever, for your case, what I understood, is that you came in a rebound relationship, and mostly the people in a rebound don't know how to manage it. They think they got a real relation, and it seems like that (as you said "you were perfect for eachother") but in fact its not. Why? Make yourself this question: How can someone replace a 6year relation with another one so quickly and "fall in love" with someone else`? Although their relation may have been really "made in hell", still, your girl used to live with those moments, and we, as human beings, can't replace things so easily. On the other side, I would suggest that you should never say "we felt so good with eachother, we loved eachother, etc". You felt good, you loved her, but you can't talk about other people and the way they feel toward you at all.

Brandino747 · Dec 25, 2007, 05:17 PM

Good points

And I did read your article after I wrote all this

To answer your questions:
We were together for a month and a half. I met her 2 months prior, but didn't make the commitment to be exclusive until my time was right even thou she wanted to be with me exclusivley about a month before I made my decision.

We broke up cause she told me that her insecurities about her past were haunting her. Apparently in her past she wasn't the most trust worthy person with her boyfriend and she kind of did what she wanted even if he didn't approve of it. These insecurities erupted when we put everything on the table about our past relationships.

Even after I told her that I accept her past her insecurities still got the best of her. She got to the point where she questioned herself so much that it led to questioning the relationship and questioning her love for me. All she cared about was how I felt and my happiness, I really think these insecurities came up cause she knows I wouldn't approve of her doing it to me (what she did with her ex), and she liked me so much that she was afraid of not pleasing me.

That is really it. Nothing more to it then that.

Part of me wants to contact her right now to tell her that everything is OK about her past, but she knows it...

I am just stuck.

Brandino747 · Dec 26, 2007, 06:06 AM

Anyone?

talaniman · Dec 26, 2007, 09:35 AM

I have seen nothing that changes what I have said in your other posts. Matt is right though, as you must speak for yourself, and not her as obviously she was not ready for what you want, and has chosen to carry her own baggage and deal with it. How she will feel in the future is anyone's guess. Live your own life without her, for now and just my opinion, stop putting a timetable on it. Timetables and women don't work. She is unavailable, so move on.

Brandino747 · Dec 31, 2007, 01:26 PM

So it's been 12 days since the break up.

Honestly, I have gotten over her quite well. We broke up cause we met at the wrong time in life (two weeks after she got out of a long term relationship) and she started getting insecure about everything she was doing; in hopes that it pleased me. Which everything pleased me, I wasn't controlling at all.

We decided no contact about 8 days ago for a week or two. I just want to talk to her cause I don't want us to go from being totally in love with each other to absolutley no contact. The relationship was priceless; but at this moment I just want to save her view of me. Her friend told me that she was having such a hard time getting over me that she was finding reasons to try and "hate" me... and that hurt, a lot. I have gotten over her, but honestly I am at a point where I could go either way... I think the longer we wait without contact the more it will push me to go the other way.

I really want to wait for her to contact me first. HELP?!

George_1950 · Dec 31, 2007, 01:35 PM

How old is she?

Brandino747 · Dec 31, 2007, 01:47 PM

22

George_1950 · Dec 31, 2007, 01:54 PM

You understand the reason for no contact? See this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

You said: "I don't want us to go from being totally in love with each other to absolutley no contact." So be it.

You said: "Her friend told me that ....". Probably best to resolve this but don't rely on her friends or your friends in your relationships.

Good luck

talaniman · Jan 1, 2008, 12:02 PM

Lets be honest, you haven't gotten over her, at all and using NC to get her back is foolish. WHY? Because instead of healing and getting a life that makes you happy, without her, you have been wondering when you can get back to this perfect relationship. If it was so perfect, you would be working together to make it work. You are lying to yourself, and have your own agenda for NC. It doesn't work that way.

Zell · Jan 1, 2008, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Lets be honest, you haven't gotten over her, at all and using NC to get her back is foolish. WHY? Because instead of healing and getting a life that makes you happy, without her, you have been wondering when you can get back to this perfect relationship. If it was so perfect, you would be working together to make it work. You are lying to yourself, and have your own agenda for NC. It doesn't work that way.

Its true what your saying here, but most people start NC to get over there ex's and heal but I bet most of the people deep down are praying that there ex's respond to it, I know I kind of felt like that at first.

talaniman · Jan 2, 2008, 07:29 PM

Hi Zell, been awhile. I remember your post well, and hope you've moved to better things. I know how the ones who come here feel, as there are endless threads to attest to that secret desire of renewing failed relationships. All I can do is throw cold water on them sometimes, and help get them through it. Its all part of the process though. Reality has a way of showing us the way.