[Synnen]

I would not encourage and abortion. I understand that you are afraid about this but if you think about it, it isn't the child's fault that it was conceived. It is a 50-50 yours and this girls. Drunk or not you still made the choice to have sex with her. You should not make the child suffer because of your poor judgment. If you do not think that you or she is capable of raising the child then maybe you should talk to her about adoption. There are many couples in the world that can't have children of their own, that would love to take the child.

I think that you should tell your gf what happened, if you apologize for it and she really loves you she will forgive you for your actions. True love is unconditional. You should tell her before someone else does.

You should encourage the mother of your child not to have an abortion but to adopt out this child. Adopting out a child doesn't always mean that you will have no relationship with the child. It is from a gift from a mother to a child. If she cannot take care of her child, she is by adopting it out giving it a chance at a better life.

The way the woman in this situation sounds--adoption will NOT be her choice--more pity to the child.

I cannot, however, condone the tactic of bringing the "poor desperate couples longing for a child" into the equation of whether someone chooses adoption. We all know they're out there--there's no reason to guilt ANYONE into choosing adoption because of someone ELSE'S sad story.

Living with adoption is HARD--I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

And I'm one of those "poor desperate couples longing for a child"--but I'm also a birthmom.

Adoption should be a choice made with eyes open, for the best interests of both mother and child--not a guilt trip about what a "better life the child will have". You can't know that--there are enough stories about adopted children NOT happy with their adoptions that you can't guarantee a better life for the child.

[ScottGem]

A couple of people have said it is not your place to demand or even suggest an abortion. On that point I have to disagree. I think you have the right to SUGGEST and REQUEST (but NOT demand) that she abort the child. It is also your life that will be majorly affected by the birth of this child. Abortion is an option that has to be considered. But that's as far as it goes. If she decides not to take advantage of that option or to even consider it, that is HER option and you do not have the right or demand or pressure her into it.

It is not an option I personally would recommend or choose, but it has to be acknowledged that it is a legal option that is available.

[pwincess pink]

Well if she still keeps the baby are you going to be part of the babies life as a dad

[talaniman]

[quote=BadLuckNick]Hi,

I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl.
Its only a mistake because of the consequences, and you probably would be bragging if it where not for those consequences.
The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn’t work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her.
So she is a loser, what does that make someone who sleeps with that loser?
I was very drunk and we had a one night stand, never to talk again.
Drunk is no excuse, That only makes you a drunk who sleeps with losers, a drunk loser!
3.5 weeks later I get a call from the girl saying she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.
I'll bet you aren't drunk now, that was some sobering news.
I almost feel I was used to get her pregnant.
You were not used, you volunteered.
I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself.
Did you think about that wonderful life when you were getting drunk? When you were donating sperm?
I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion.
If you thought it was yours you have that right to suggest, whatever you want.
I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?
Because regardless who the father is, it comes from her body and she KNOWS, its hers.
Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right.
Keep working hard to get everything right, including recognising your part in creating an innocent life.
Now I am going to lose my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since we were 16. We are best friends and happily in love.
Now you use the big head, after the little head has already spoken. To late!
I was in a paraletic state when I made this mistake and would never do anything to hurt my GF.
Except when your drunk, right.
This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.
Obviously neither did you. Getting drunk, CHEATING, and ignore your role in this drama.
Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.
Cut off the little head, and stop getting drunk and sleeping with the locals and I guarantee, this will never happen again. Or stop cheating on a female you supposedly adore, and slumming with one who you think is a loser. As of now a DNA test at birth will either relieve you, or convict you. Wait for the test. Either way, be a man about it. Nobody can help you with that.

[Abbyknows]

BadLuckNick,

I have been in your situation... only I was the girlfriend. If your girlfriend TRULY loves you, and you TRULY love her - you two will work it out - but you have to let your girlfriend be involved with you every step of the way. At first, my boyfriend (now husband) and I hoped that the girl would have an abortion, and when she decided not to, we realized that we (all 3 of us) were going to be parents. I commend her on not having an abortion, as I was whole-heartedly against it - but at the same time, the idea that this little "problem" could just go away, seemed like the best thing for all of us. My boyfriend and I broke up, he had a one night stand, we got back together, he found out she was pregnant, and we spent 9 months of AGONY waiting for this child to be born... only to find out that the baby wasn't his. We were both relieved and devastated, as this child and this woman had come between us and the consequences of their actions could have destroyed our relationship... but at the same time, we had decided that we were ready to be parents.

I'm sure that I'm going to get flamed for posting this, and encouraging this option, but if the girl has said no to an abortion, have you suggested adoption? My husband and I discussed this option and he was uncomfortable with it (assuming the child was his). My argument was that this was not a baby who was made of love, but that the child deserved to have two loving parents, preferably in the same home. Again, the mother insisted that she was keeping the baby, and we were ready to step up to the plate.

There are a few things that I would encourage you to do. Ask the mother if she will consent to an amnio DNA test. I don't know how far along this woman is, but this can be given in the 13th-20th week with very little risk. At least this way, you don't have to wait until the baby is born to A. Start your life over... or B. Hire an attorney and make plans as far as custody or visitation, as well as child support. If your girlfriend chooses to be a part of this, you will need to make sure that she is equally involved in the entire process, no matter how uncomfortable it is for you.

Regardless of what happens, I don't think you're a loser or a bad person, and I commend you for coming somewhere like this to ask questions. Everybody makes mistakes, but everything happens for a reason. This will either make your relationship with a truly wonderful, forgiving woman very strong... or it will teach you a lesson about loving someone and losing them.

Good luck to you.

[s_cianci]

You've learned a very hard lesson at a great price. While I don't personally believe in abortion I agree that, based just on your post, this girl is not prepared to raise a child and should consider adoption. But that's her decision to make. If she does decide to keep it you are going to be responsible to provide financial support (if the child is actually yours ; make sure you get a DNA test if it comes to that) and will have all of the rights and responsibilities of any father. Unfortunately there's no easy way out in this situation.

[sprewel1614]

This is a little off topic but still relates in an indirect way. If a girl in a long term relationship got very drunk and impregnated by another man, wouldn't it be OK for her to label it rape under the law? Also, I doubt she would be attacked for considering the abortion because she never intended to have a child (she could say she was used when she was impregnated). In fact many people would call her responsible for having one. Yet this guy has no rights over the choice to have a child or not other than whether to drink heavily/risk lowering his sexual guards. This guy did exactly what she did, he doesn't want the child because of the trauma it would cause to his life. Despite this, he's getting no support... hes just being told to "man up". Seems pretty unfair.

[talaniman]

I can see your point. But men and women are not equal when it comes to the babies. He made a huge mistake, he acknowledges that. A woman being raped is no mistake, it's a crime. Big difference.

[ScottGem]

This is a little off topic but still relates in an indirect way. If a girl in a long term relationship got very drunk and impregnated by another man, wouldn't it be ok for her to label it rape under the law? Also, I doubt she would be attacked for considering the abortion because she never intended to have a child (she could say she was used when she was impregnated). In fact many people would call her responsible for having one. Yet this guy has no rights over the choice to have a child or not other than whether or not to drink heavily/risk lowering his sexual guards. This guy did exactly what she did, he doesn't want the child because of the trauma it would cause to his life. Despite this, hes getting no support...hes just being told to "man up". Seems pretty unfair.

The issue you're missing is that the OP had the option to not get drunk and to not have sex. By not exercising those options he lost some of his rights.

But I agree there is a certain amount of unfairness in this situation. The woman does have more control.

[oneguyinohio]

Unfair? Just because it isn't going the way he wants it to? I don't accept that at all. He wasn't raped and it was his choice to drink. If he makes life changing situations when he is drunk, it is still his fault. I wonder how many winos complain that life isn't fair when they feel sorry for themselves?

[sprewel1614]

"If he makes life changing situations when he is drunk, it is still his fault."

Replace "he" with "she"...
Picture your sister or another significant female in your life being drunk out of her mind one night and having sex with a man who wasn't drunk. If she became pregnant, would you place the blame on her?

"But men and women are not equal when it comes to the babies"

If men and women can't be equal in a certain situation then they can never be completely equal. That really doesn't say much for feminism... are you sure that's the situation?


"the OP had the option to not get drunk and to not have sex. By not exercising those options he lost some of his rights."

So the issue is his right to drink all he wants, not the fact that a girl took advantage of his state of mind? Again, replace "he" with "she" and see how it sounds...


"Unfair? Just because it isn't going the way he wants it to? I don't accept that at all. He wasn't raped and it was his choice to drink."

If I were to say "she wasn't raped, and it was her choice to drink" I would sound like a real...


I'm not trying to be a here or call anyone out, but it really seems to be that this guy is facing a double standard, and I feel for him. I'm 22 and while I've never cheated on my girlfriend, I can imagine what this guy is feeling right now... I don't think he needs more people telling him what a bad person he is.

[oneguyinohio]

If the OP had been a female who drank herself into a state of having sex with someone who wasn't drunk, resulting in the female getting pregnant, I would still feel that she was at fault for her decision. She could call the man all the names she wanted, but I would still tell her to deal with it. Even if I didn't say it, the fact is that the person will still have to deal with the results of their actions no matter if they were planned or not.

And if it happened to my sister, I would still say that some of the blame was hers the same as I am saying that the OP has some blame in this situation.

The biggest difference, seems to be that a woman has the right to decide is she will keep the baby or not, where as the man can not make that decision. That issue would not change regardless of what gender the drunk person was. The woman takes the risk of getting pregnant, and the male risks being the donor.

Arguing over the woman's right to choose and how it affects the man could go either way, because some women will choose to keep the baby against the wishes of the man, and other women will not keep the baby despite the man's wishes. That is a gamble the male takes, just as the female gambles on if she will conceive or not.

Neither males nor females need a pity party if they did something that led to a pregnancy.

[Synnen]

Would I place the blame on a woman that got drunk and got pregnant from it? You betcha. Wouldn't feel sorry for her at all, actually. And yeah--I'd expect her to deal with the results of her bad decision (to get drunk and have sex).

BOTH parties have the right to prevent conception by simply not having sex. Once you've had sex, you're equally responsible for the results of it.

I do, however, draw the line at men being able to make the choice FOR the woman. Sorry--we went through a couple thousand years of men being able to treat women like property, and I'm not willing to go back to that. And until men can get pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months, I'm not willing to have him decide that SHE should go through it, either, if she doesn't want to.

I don't feel I hold a double standard here. I think that if you don't want to get pregnant, don't drop your pants, regardless of gender. HOWEVER--having been the pregnant female with a guy that was ready to ditch because it was "way too much responsibility"--there's no WAY I'd let a guy decide which direction an unplanned pregnancy goes. The one thing that most guys lack (and notice my use of the word MOST here, fellows! I'm not raggin' on you as a group) is the concept that a baby is REAL until it's born, or until they can feel it kick, or whatever. For women--the consequences are often QUITE real, and for many women, very quickly. When you're throwing up your shoes every morning because you can't stop dry heaving--and it goes on for 3 months or so--it becomes really real, really quickly.

[ScottGem]

I'm not trying to be a here or call anyone out, but it really seems to be that this guy is facing a double standard, and I feel for him. I'm 22 and while I've never cheated on my girlfriend, I can imagine what this guy is feeling right now...I don't think he needs more people telling him what a bad person he is.

Go back and reread the initial post. In that post the OP is refusing to take responsibility. The girl "used him"! That's why we came down on him and deservedly so.

[sprewel1614]

"I do, however, draw the line at men being able to make the choice FOR the woman. Sorry--we went through a couple thousand years of men being able to treat women like property, and I'm not willing to go back to that. And until men can get pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months, I'm not willing to have him decide that SHE should go through it, either, if she doesn't want to. I don't feel I hold a double standard here. I think that if you don't want to get pregant, don't drop your pants, regardless of gender"

In terms of fairness, I try to keep away form things that happened thousands of years ago lol. For instance, if I were splitting a pizza pie between a brother and sister (jack and jill) I wouldn't give jill an extra slice because their grandpa had more pizza than their grandma. That's a little peeve of mine. Anyway, you make a good point, it is inherently not equal in terms of what a person physically goes through to have a baby... I think in the end it feels like the situation would never be completely fair for the guy, because I think in this case if he could go through an abortion procedure himself, he would. Its just by nature that he will never have that right.

"If the OP had been a female who drank herself into a state of having sex with someone who wasn't drunk, resulting in the female getting pregnant, I would still feel that she was at fault for her decision."

To be honest, that's a pretty straight-foward, logical assessment. In our society however, I think it would be much easier for a girl to drop the responsibility for this action than it is for a guy. A girl having sex when drunk out of her mind can easily be transformed into a girl being raped. I think he's trying to use the same argument in his situation. I personally am not sure if having sex while you are intoxicated deserves to be called rape, but if one gender can get away with the claim, why shouldn't the other?

[ScottGem]

A girl having sex when drunk out of her mind can easily be transformed into a girl being raped. I think hes trying to use the same argument in his situation. I personally am not sure if having sex while you are intoxicated deserves to be called rape, but if one gender can get away with the claim, why shouldn't the other?

While there have been male rape cases successfully prosecuted, they are rare. Several reasons for that. Most guys would be unlikely to refuse sex if offered. Generally the male is better equipped to fight back against it. Most males would be embarrassed to scream rape.

[harlysdream66]

Hi,

I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl. The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn’t work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her. I was very drunk and we had a one night stand, never to talk again. 3.5 weeks later I get a call from the girl saying she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

I almost feel I was used to get her pregnant.

I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself. I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion.

I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?

Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right.

Now I am going to lose my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since we were 16. We are best friends and happily in love.

I was in a paraletic state when I made this mistake and would never do anything to hurt my GF.

This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.

Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.

You made your bed time to live up to unprotected sex...
So drunk this loser, could entrap you I not sex, I think not
Please think about what you said , about this person...
She maybe thinking the same as you , she mite be peggy ,and the father want to get rid of it ? Come lets get real my friend
Stop drinking till you can control , your in your pants

[sprewel1614]

"Most guys would be unlikely to refuse sex if offered. Generally the male is better equipped to fight back against it. Most males would be embarrassed to scream rape."

Those are some pretty clear reasons as to why its rare for guys to accuse girls of rape. I think the point however is not whether they would refuse or take sex in a sober state, but rather whether they were (or weren't) capable of making a decision at the time of the act. Because executive judgement is so impaired when a person is intoxicated, some would argue that he/she does not have the mental capacity to make a choice at all. If a person is incapable of making a well thought out decision then they are incapable of truly consenting. I always thought that the foundation of rape was sex without a persons consent. What a person would do if they were sober/their physical ability to fight back both seem irrelevant.

[ScottGem]

Ahh, but the decision to drink to excess was a conscious decision. By the way, the courts have rejected the premise that being drunk is an out for committing a crime.

[talaniman]

If the female in this situation had posted, I would be just as hard on her. She has consequences for her choices too.