[missymom53525]

Here's our situation:

I live with my sister right now, I have no other place to go. I have 3 kids (all girls) and she has 2 kids (one girl, one boy). Our current rooming arrangement is that my older 2 girls (6 and 8) share a room, the younger 2 girls (4 and 4) share a room, and my sister shares a room with her son (just turned 1, still in a crib). I sleep on the sofa sleeper so the kids can have the bedrooms and because I really don't have enough to even need a room.
Recently, her son's father has started visitation with the baby and my sister is trying to be nice to make things go smoothly, but all of a sudden, he wants to know about all the people living together and does his son have his own room? So we don't know what his intentions are, if he's trying to control what she does in an effort to be back with her, or if he's just asking to ask.
He also want to start coming to this home for visitations, when they were originally arranged to be at my mother's house with a 3rd party present, and this was done through mediation. The reasons for this is because my sister states that he has been physical with her in the past, and my youngest daughter alleges that he molested her (went through a whole investigation, and they closed it because they decided that they couldn't take the word of a toddler.)
We're in Wisconsin and I've looked all over the internet and can't find an actual statute about this situation. What can he legally do? I know he can call CPS if he's really that hell-bent on the whole thing, but if our home is clean and the kids are clean, can he do anything? The only options I personally have right now are to move into my car or to ask if I can go to the transitional living center in our area, and neither sounds very appealing with 3 small children. Please help!

[Wondergirl]

A one-year-old doesn't need his own room. (Mine didn't until he was 3.) I'm not a social worker, just a counselor, but would guess, like you said, if the house is clean and in good repair and the children are all clean and well-fed and happy and in school if appropriate, CPS shouldn't have a problem with your living situation.

Now, if her son were 15 and sleeping in the same room as his mother or sister, CPS might find a problem with that...

[stonewilder]

I honestly don't know the answer to your question but I don't think there's any law that says a one year old is required to have his own room. However if visitations were originally arranged to be at your mother's house with a 3rd party present it should continue at that. Do you really want this guy in the house with your child when he may have molested her? Not to mention that if he abused your sister she should stick to the court order ( what ever it's called), other wise they may think it was all a lie. I mean if a guy molested your child and beat you would you really want him in your house? Regardless of his intentions encourage your sister to stick to the original arrangement.

[oneguyinohio]

I agree with Wondergirl that there should not be an issue about the room the boy is in right now.

The father can complain all he wants, but if things are clean and the child cared for, then he might as well be spitting in the wind.

She should not change any visitation arrangements to please him. That would only allow him access to see any little thing in the home and complain about it. He has no rights in that home unless she allows it.

How does your sister feel about the sitation? Do you all have any plans for what to do in the future as all those kids grow?

[missymom53525]

How does your sister feel about the sitation? Do you all have any plans for what to do in the future as all those kids grow?

My sister is afraid that he WILL call CPS because obviously neither of us want to lose our kids, and we've heard that CPS has their own standards, regardless of what the statutes are or aren't in this state.
I have called about a subsidized housing complex in our town, but there haven't been any open units for about 6 months now. If I explained my situation to them and there was an open unit, there's an organization here that would help me get my kids into there, but since there's no openings... So we had alternately talked about saving up till the lease is up here (July) and trying to find maybe a house to rent, where even if my kids had to share rooms, the baby would have his own, so it wouldn't be an issue of opposite sexes sharing a room.
Currently, I'm out of work. I was laid up for the past 2 weeks from an ankle injury and just started walking again yesterday, so I'm trying to build up strength again before I go out looking for a new job. But we figured we could make it through the end of this month before it becomes a necessity for me to get out and find work again, so I'd have time.
Having this thrown in the mix just really messes everything up. Shoot, I even thought about calling CPS myself and asking what their standards are, just to have a one-up on this guy.

[ScottGem]

I don't know of any state that has statutues dictating such things. But yes CPS will often have standards for such things. But I doubt if they would object to a 1 yr old in a crib sharing the room with its mother, especially a single mother.

I don't think you need to call CPS. At the very worst, if they don't like the situation, I think they will give you time to correct it.

[Wondergirl]

Is there a Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services office in your area? Call one of them. I did an internship with Catholic Charities. They might be able to help you with transitional housing, and also will help with daily needs of food and clothing, job hunting and coaching, and getting you into your own place. They often do counseling, will provide you with social services, and will help you deal with CPS. The same goes for the Lutheran gang. The county can provide help also.

You need an advocate on your team, not only to reassure you about things but also to help you with goals to improve your (and your sister's) life.

Your huge advantage is that you are worried and care about this situation and want to make sure the children are safe and secure.

[oneguyinohio]

Part of the father's concern might be legitimate as far as things he would like the child to have, in a perfect world, so I can't fault him for that, but as we all know the world is not always perfect, and hopefully he will reallize that as well... though he does have the right to encourage those things to be given to his child...

Hope the father's are all doing their part with child support issues

[N0help4u]

I agree with all the others but want to add that another reason for not letting the father visit at the house if Child services found out she let him they could say she is endangering them by not following that order.
Also child services do make issues where they want to and let other things go.

My neighbors had girl and her boyfriend AND her three kids (8 yr old girl 4 year old boy and baby) all in the same room at his parents and the house is filthy. CPS closed their eyes to everything and let it go.
But I have never seen them say anything about a baby in a crib in the mothers room.

Also as Wondergirl said check with Catholic Charities and the Salvation Army to see what all programs are available to you and your sister.

[missymom53525]

I want to thank EVERYONE for being so supportive and for your advice and input. My sister remains adamant that my children and I leave, so I called the transitional living center today, which is full, so I was referred to the Women's Resource Center, and am waiting for a call back. My mother is sooo pissed about all of this, that she is going to let me and my kids stay at her place and she's going to stay at her boyfriend's house until I'm on my feet and able to work again and around tax return time, we're going to start looking for our own place. Thanks to all again!

[oneguyinohio]

I had a slight feeling that it might be something on the part of the sister, only because you were on here instead of her.

I wouldn't take it as a mean thing from her. Maybe she is scared or something. She has a lot of worries and stresses with her situation as well. She did try to help, but as adults, you really do need your own spaces, and be able to make decisions on your own... for yourselves and for your children... being able to provide a bedroom for the boy... even if it is not absolutely necessary may be one of her desires for what she wants to be able to do with her family... I don't know, but it is legitimate, even if it was prompted by the exboyfriend...

Right now, you have a lot of things to focus on rather than any resentment you might have toward her. She might have just as much reason to resent your actions... but don't go there, focus on what you need to do to get on your feet.

Oh, and while you're living at your moms, how would you feel if someone else moves in with you and your children disrupting your life, making all of your decisions revolve around them, causing problems with other relationships, bringing potentially negative legal consequences, and "expecting" you to allow it because they want it to be that way?

[missymom53525]

Oh, and while you're living at your moms, how would you feel if someone else moves in with you and your children disrupting your life, making all of your decisions revolve around them, causing problems with other relationships, bringing potentially negative legal consequences, and "expecting" you to allow it because they want it to be that way?

That was pretty harsh, considering the situation. SHE INVITED us to live with her so we could help EACH OTHER. I didn't make all of her decisions revolve around us, but don't you think it's pretty negligent on her part to accommodate a registered sex offender in allowing him into her home, and knowing what he did to my daughter? And yes, she helped as far as a roof over my and my childrens' heads, but I have provided 98% of the food for her and hers to eat, did more than my fair share of the housework, and have let her and hers trample all over us and destroy our stuff while we've been here. I've had to pull my oldest 2 out of public school and homeschool them, I've had to deal with neverending headlice, and now this. How am I being the jerk in all of this? I even found evidence of her trying to hook back up with this guy, which is why just 2 days ago, she threw her current fiancé out, too.

[oneguyinohio]

Now that you have added the additional information, it does give a vastly different perspective. I wasn't trying to be harsh, only looking at it from her perspective based on the original information.

With the new information, I think it is a blessing for you to be out of there. Under the circumstances of registered sex offenders being allowed around your kids, and the head lice problems it certainly would not be healthy. It sounds like she is making some choices for herself that seem to be putting her on a path to problems worse than the ones you are currently having. You don't want to go down that path with her.