[03fridge]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for a year when last Aug, she said she needed to take a break. She told me that she had made many relationship errors in her life and that she had been thinking about that lately. She has been married four times and has always ended one relationship and gone right into another one the next day. Her normal thing to do is already have the next one established when she leaves the current one. The reason I know all this is because she explained it to me and was part of why she needed to take a break, so she could heal herself from all the past mistakes. She also told me she was beginning to resent me because she was compounding everyone else's mistakes on me and making me pay for them. So as she is telling me she needs this break she tells me the we are still dating, still a couple, and she asks that I not see anyone else during this time since I still have a girlfriend. So reluctantly I agree to take this break. Here is where my question comes in. After we agree to take this break it was two months (Nov 1) before she moved out of our house. Then when she did move out she left some furniture and other things that she told me were some of her most prized possesions. She also left bathroom over night stuff, so according to her she will have them here when she spends the night. She also told me that this break will help her become a better person, us a better, stronger couple and in the long run will allow us to spend the rest of our lives together, and without this break we will be just break up. So as she is moving out I ask for her key and garage door opener back, and her daughters key back. She tells me that since she is still my girlfriend she is entitled to keep them. That way when she comes over she can get in, and this way she can also make surprise visits to see if she catches me with someone else. When I asked for my key to her apartment I was told " sorry you don't get one". Yes I have since changed the locks. Ok, she moves out and then starts calling me asking me to come over for this and that, and calls me every night before she goes to sleep. Then all the sudden she tells me I'm pushing to hard trying to see her and that I'm not allowing her to heal and miss me, and that if I don't give her some space she will realize that she did made the right choice by leaving and that she will be forced to break up with me which is something she claims she really doesn't want to do. So since the beginning of Dec we haven't talked much nor seen each other at all. I know for a fact she isn't dating because her family wants me back in the picture and they keep me up to date because they don't want me to give up on her. They tell me that everything she is doing right now is totally different than normal when is out of a relationship. Why did it take so long for her to move out after she told me that she needed a break, and why leave things behind? I look at it as by leaving them behind she always has a reason to contact me. So could she be on the up-and-up with all this, or do I just really need to cut my ties?

[nymphetamine]

Ah I know some experts who would have a field day with this one. :D You mean to tell me this girl actually told you that she wanted a break up and then expect you not to see anyone else? Oh bleep no! I don't care what her family says. Family will never say anything against their own child. You think she wasn't talking to other men? Honey please. What's with all the control freak stuff? She can have the keys to your apartment but not you hers? Cause she don't won't you to walk in on her and her other man if she has one. She's leaving the stuff behind as a way to control you. That is inconsiderate and selfish of her to do. She also sounds to me like she has insecurity issues.Im sorry but something is extremely off about this female and Im not just referring to the 4 marriages thing. Something's a little bit odd.
She already has her next relationship established when she leaves the current one. Does that mean she goes out and looks for a new guy and then dumps her old boyfriend? All I can say is cut the ties and run, run and do not look back.

[CaptainForest]

I couldn't have said it better myself crankiebabie.

She doesn't want YOU to have a key to her place... shes sleeping with other men. Establishing the new boyfriend before she dumps you. As she told you, that is her pattern.

The stuff, she wants to control you. See, she doesn't want to be single. By the way, she should see a therapist. So by leaving it there, you 2 are still "dating".

Smart thing changing your locks.

Now give her stuff back to her and tell her to hit the road.

[03fridge]

I agree with everything you're saying. Do I think she has been talking to other guys... sure I do. Do I think she is looking for a replacement for me... I think if the opportunity presents its self, of course. By the way all of those things (4 marriages, and already having guys lined up) came to light after she told me she wanted a break. Our relationship was going great guns, one day, then the next this. So her taking those two months to move out after she told me she wanted a break and leaving things behind is a control issue? How is it a control issue? Sorry if I seem naïve asking these questions, but I've never been in a situation like this. Every other relationship I've been in was always cut and dry at its end with everyone taking their stuff and going home. This is new territory for me.

To answer the question about the new boyfriends being already "in-place". Yes, she would search for and start to date the new boyfriend before she ended it with the old boyfriend. In her families eyes, because she hasn't really broken up with me, but instead asked for a break (and the diffence is?) they are doing everything they can to try and keep me from cutting my ties in hopes that we'll once again be a couple.

[nymphetamine]

Okay the reason I say it's a control thing. She is allowed to have a key to your apartment but you are not allowed to have a key to her apartment. She wants a key to your apartment so she can come spy on you. You aren't allowed to date anyone else but she obviously can. Sounds control freakish to me. What I'm seeing is she gets to go out on her little "break" and do what ever she pleases and she expects you to wait around on her like a good little puppy. Okay now, that part where you say she starts calling you everyday and then starts saying you're pushing her too much, why exactly did she say that?

[talaniman]

Ask yourself if you need this drama?At least you changed the locks, good move,the next one is even easier,take all her stuff to her family!Now we have a clean break and you owe her nothing!She has nothing on you no reason to call or come by!YOU ARE FREE of this nut! Still confused?She moved out(almost)and told you to stay put and hold your breathe till she decides to come back,if ever.How does the truth sound to you?:confused: You can do this one of two ways,her way or the right way,go about your own business.If you don't have a life get one,Don't call,her or her family.In a year you will be glad you did.GEEEZ dude do you have any idea how many decent sane fun-lovin'single females there out there?:rolleyes:Your ex has issues that go to deep to figure out,so don't try, just cut and run.Learn from your mistakes:cool:

[03fridge]

Understand. I guess I misunderstood. I thought you meant that by her leaving her stuff here that that was a control issue. In fairness to her, she did tell me that she wasn't going to see anyone else until we/she decided what we were going to do about us.

Ok, how we came to the "your pushing" thing. During the month of Nov after she had moved out and was calling me all the time and having me come over and spend time, even spending some nights, and her coming over some nights and also spending the night, I asked the obvious question... does this mean we are over our break now and things will start working themselves out. She told me no, that is not what it means. That's when she started the "you're pushing me", and told me that she was starting to miss me until I started to push about spending time with her (but we were already spending time together), and told me to just let her have this break and everything will work out, but if I continue to push, she will realize that by leaving she made the right choice and will end up saying something neither one of us wants to hear. She told me that she knows it hard for me right now, but to understand that this is the only way to save our relationship. So after this conversation on Dec 1, we've only talked twice. Both times this week when she called to tell me her mother (lives in another city) was involved in an accident and broke her neck and might have to leave town to visit her. Then the next day when she called to tell me that she didn't leave town. The mother injury is a true story, because my sister-in-law happens to be a nurse at the hospital mom was taken to and she called to tell me also.

[talaniman]

She left her stuff at your place to keep you thinking she'd be back.It also keeps the ties between you like a dog leash, yes she is the master, you're the mutt.You better obey your master and not see anyone else either else no more treats for you.Come over here and give me your paw boy,good dog.Don't push me bad dog,no treat tonight go home boy,good dog!Do you see where this is headed?:cool:You could be a real man and tell her its over and walk away and mean it yo know!

[CaptainForest]

What crankiebabie says is right on.

I would also like to add that by leaving her stuff at your place, that is her way of saying you two are still dating. Hence, it allows her to keep with her pattern, and that is still dating you while looking for other guys.

I think she does need some help from a therapist, however, like my Aunt, proablly will refuse to get it, which is sad.

[one_life]

OH NO, you're not serious about your girlfriend!! Holy crap, if my girl told me half the things she said to you, I'd show her *** to the door that very minute, oh sorry make it that second.
I did not know there were people like that in this world. That girl needs some serious help Yo.
Don't feel sorry or regret anything thing by droping her fat ***. Do it before she rips your heart out. Trust me man, throw her **** out the door and tell her to fuuuck off. Do it now. Show her that you can't be taken for a ride.

We all got your back!!

[nymphetamine]

Yeah she told you she wasn't but she is. Why is she allowed to do stuff and you are not? Why is she telling you that your pushing her when she's the one doing all the calling and wanting to spend the night? Im sorry that she had such bad relationships in the past but why does it feel to me like you're being punished for it? I'm sorry but she's treating you like dog. I hope we can help you get this straightened out.

[03fridge]

You are not going to believe this. My girlfriend just called me. She's on a business trip and she starts telling me about how horrible the trip is, but she's got this really great guy on her team, and starts telling me about him and how much fun it is to hang out with him (oh, he is gay according to her), then she started with the "its to bad you didn't do the little things you do now when we were dating and living together and I was your gf". Wait now, I thought we were still dating and you were my girlfriend. Also didn't know I was doing anything different, but anyway. She tells me that I hurt her so bad because she felt I took her for granted, that she doesn't believe in love anymore or at least between her and I, and she doesn't think she can trust me not to hurt her by taking her for granted again. She went on to tell me that she doesn't see us being back together any time soon, and she doesn't know if she'll be calling me anymore since our conversations always seem to go "drama" (becasue she takes them there). She told me that she hopes I learn from what I did wrong in this relationship and correct my mistakes so I don't make them with my next girlfriend. So you're wondering what was my response; I told her not a problem, I agree we should most definitely break up and go on about our lives, best of luck with your new man, at least I think he's your new man the way you were just talking about him (you know how you can just tell there is something there by the way woman have that enthusiasm in their voice talking about a new love interest), and I hope this one works for you. Well she then tells me that I'm now putting words into her mouth and tells me that she is not ruling out us being back together, and this guy is not a new guy, because there are no guys in her life now. So your telling me there is a chance we will be back together sometime down the road, but just not in the near future. Again she tells me that I'm not understanding her and putting words once again into her mouth. Then she got flustered and told me that she is not going to put a date on when we get back together, and she is not ruling out us being back together, its just that its not going to happen soon because she feels she was hurt so bad. Well we left it by me telling her I will save you the effort of thinking about all of this by ending it right here and now. That way we don't need to worry about putting a date on anything, and she still told me I'm still misunderstanding what she is saying, because she is not ruling out us being back together sometime. I am though. So yes folks I took your advice and did what I knew I should've done already.

You show someone you love them everyday (flowers, cards, romantic love letters, poems and such) tell them you love them everyday, bail them out of financial difficulty, help buy her daugther a car, buy a house so we can start a lifetime together (yes I'm keeping the house), but because we didn't have sex every night (we were usually 4-6 nights a week), didn't take her on a ski trip last winter (used the money as a down payment on the house), didn't always buy her little "trinkets", but yet somehow I took her for granted.

[PrettyLady]

03Ifridge, if your girlfriend wants a break and wants time on her own, it means that she's not ready for a serious relationship. Make a clean break and move on before things get out of hand. I know that your hurt but you will be okay. Try not to rush into a rebound relationship, you will need some time to heal. You will find someone who will love you and would like to be in committed relationship with you when you're ready.

[talaniman]

This calls for a celebration!Yeah.As you can tell I am very happy for you.Your a FREE man if it hasn't hit you yet it will and you'be jumping for joy.Now the million dollar question-Where do you go from here?(anywhere but back to her!):cool:

[nymphetamine]

Im glad you have this thing fixed. Spend some time being a free man and have some fun. I hope you find a woman one day who will appreciated you. Preferably one who is sane.

[03fridge]

Thanks guys/girls for all your support with my rambling. I always knew that was the right thing to do, but got caught up in the moment, after she first moved out things became just great again. She even had my family believing. It was like we had just met again for the first time, but alas reality set in and the "old" ways fell right back into place. During the good days after she moved out and there looked like hope, I even tried harder to make it work, and bought into the "trinket" thing, and we even planned some weekend get aways, but then she cancelled, telling me those were the things I should've done before. It was at that very moment I knew that it wasn't me, that no matter how hard I tried, or had I done those things before or now it wouldn't have made a difference, because I had done those thing before, house, daughters car, financial support, other tokens of love, it was doomed and there was nothing I could've done to save it. Its funny how things come to light after the relationship ends, like her telling me that she had been married 4 times and how her pattern of dating was. From what I gather she has been in a relationship or married, with no single time in between (except for now, if you want to call it that) since she was 17, and she's 46 now, and all the relationship breakups where because the guys never got it right, they were never her fault. The reasons for her break-ups are good ones too. One guy was to needy because he told her that he loved her, another was a stalker because he used to leave flowers on her doorstep when she came home from a business trip, one was because he asked her to cut back playing sports somewhat, another because he cheated (the fact there was the relationship had been over for a year and the guy moved on with his life, but she showed up at his house wanting to get back together, oh and she had let herself in with her house key (sounds familiar)). The best part of her late night conversation with me was she told me that if I ever wanted to have a good relationship I needed to get some relationship counseling, because I surely need it. Do I think I will ever see her again, you bet, I will bet my life savings that she will make an appearance within the next six to nine months (she signed a year lease at her apartment) and several boyfriends later. In fact during the "good times" after she first left she told me she was moving back, and wanted to discuss how we would work it out financially. Heck she even told my neighbors she was my fiance' and that although we moved to fast moving in together they would still see her around the neighborhood and more than likely moving back in within the year. Don't worry, I will not allow that to happen. Once you are gone, you need to stay gone. Again, thanks for reconfirming that I wasn't losing my mind in breaking this "break" off.

[talaniman]

Surry I drunk all the champaign get your own seriously GOOD LUCK keep in touch some one may need the benefit of your experience.:cool:

[CaptainForest]

Congratulations 03fridge. You did the right thing.

[s_cianci]

I don't think she's on the up-and-up. I'd cut the ties on this one. I think she's being manipulative and wanting her cake and eat it too. Don't let her get away with it. Send her a note, in writing, requesting her to retrieve all of her personal belongings within 7 days. Inform her that any of her personal property remaining in your house after the 7 days will be disposed of at your discretion. If she doesn't retrieve it, then do what you will with it ; keep it, sell it, give it away or discard it. I'm sorry, but this one sounds like a game player and you don't want to tolerate that.

[03fridge]

You guys/girls were so right about my ex-gf. Tonight I was out having some beers with friends and low and behold guess who walks in. That's right the ex girlfriend, with a date. We see her, she doesn't see us. They looked real chummy, like they had known each other for awhile. So when she goes to the bathroom one of my friends goes over and compliments her date about how hot she is and asks how long they have bee dating. Her date tells her three months. She only moved out two months ago. When she comes back from bathroom she sees me, gets pissed and from her hand gestures and his body language she already has him under control like I was once, and they storm out. I felt like warning him about her, but then thought better of it. He wouldn't have believed me anyway, just like I wouldn't have believed anyone at that time either. The best part of all this is my cell starts ringing and it's the ex. She is leaving me voice mails and text messages telling me to stop following her and that if I go home right now and we pretend this didn't happen she might be able to forgive me and there is still a chance to save the relationship, but only if I go home right then. You got to know that I bit and answered the phone once to ask her to explain her new boyfriend of three months, when she had only moved out two months ago. Her answer... I don't have to explain myself to you. Ok, ummm... we all ready broke up or at least I thought that was what I said to her quite clearly... in fact she kept telling me that I have screwed up our relationship pretty bad, but she still wasn't giving up on us one day being back together, that this guy tonight is just a friend, and she has done nothing wrong... yeah, sure after you add a few more notches to you bedpost, and people talk about guys... my friends and I were at the bar first... this is her boyfriend (at least he thinks he is) she is with and she is telling me to go home, forget seeing her on a date and we can still save our relationship. No thanks... I probably really should've warned the guy. Sad thing is she never picked up her stuff, so my friends and I being beered up and pumped up from her BS, decide to return her stuff to her this evening (2AM) and as we are putting her stuff on her patio, I remembered one of the great reasons I stayed with her... we could hear her getting laid... girl has great talent... so he wouldn't have listened yet to my warning. I guess he'll find out soon enough though.