Check out some similar questions!

wtpsu · Dec 8, 2007, 07:09 PM

I found out shortly after I was married that my wife withheld the fact that she she had a STD. Because our son was born shortly before our first anniversary, I stayed with her. We have now been married for 17 years and she has never stopped lying. Should I feel guilty now that I have decided to leave? She says she'll change, but its too late for me.

kp2171 · Dec 8, 2007, 07:12 PM

It's a big betrayal of trust... she's promised before I imagine? Any marriage counseling?

And really... is this a rhetorical question... that is you really are Done... just wanting to know if you should feel guilty? That's not a slam, just an honest question.

What would it take to make you stay?

mjl · Dec 8, 2007, 08:23 PM

After 17 years it is likley that she won't change with out some professional help. Have you guys tried a marriage counsellor?

You asked if you should feel guilty about leaving... in my opinion I don't think you should feel guilty unless you feel that is the right deciosion for the both of you and your son. Have to tried everything possible to work it out. Has she tried to get any help at all in the last 17 years?

wtpsu · Dec 8, 2007, 08:50 PM

Originally Posted by wtpsu
Thanks for your answer. Not a rhetorical question; I am done, just feeling guilty about how I feel right now. I have no love for her but I feel responsible. I am 45 and very successful, she is 38 and does not work.

wtpsu · Dec 8, 2007, 08:53 PM

Over 17 years, we have been through it all.

Wondergirl · Dec 8, 2007, 08:56 PM

Does she have any skills, that she can work and take care of herself? What has she been doing all these years with only one child (? ) to care for? Does she have more than a h.s. diploma?

kp2171 · Dec 8, 2007, 09:00 PM

Guilt for the 16 year old mostly?

Look... I generally say its worth the hard work to save a marriage. If you are at a place where you've been through the ropes and nothing is going to change... I'm not sure its OK for either of you to live a lie.

You are DONE. Not "little" done... DONE. So you both should probably go your separate ways. She and you have a long life yet to live... maybe you each can find some peace and some happiness, if it cannot be with each other.

If I did this to my wife, the woman that I think is heads and shoulder above most people when it comes to honoring marriage vows... I can tell you shed probably be in the same place you are. If you've tried every reasonable reconciliation, and you are done... well, then its over.

The only concern would be for the child(ren) and how to approach that... is there one child? How old?

wtpsu · Dec 8, 2007, 09:05 PM

She has good administration skills. She will be able to work but will come no where near duplicating current household income. I know how I feel and what I need to do, it's just hard. My parents were married for 50 years. Divorce was never in my paradigm.

kp2171 · Dec 8, 2007, 09:07 PM

Divorce should be hard.

Sounds like you've really struggled with this. Its maddening when you can say "it didnt have to be like this"

wtpsu · Dec 8, 2007, 09:07 PM

Two kids, very close in age. They know what's going on.

wtpsu · Dec 8, 2007, 09:08 PM

You read my mind... and heart.

kp2171 · Dec 8, 2007, 09:08 PM

Feel for you bud.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2007, 08:42 AM

If your mind is made up see a lawyer, and think of a way to minimize the after effects for the sake of your children. I doubt if they want to change locations at their ages. May I ask why therapy to get to the root of her lying has not been tried? Of course I understand your feelings have changed, and there is no reason to feel guilty, but she may be in need of professional help, but if she doesn't WANT help, that's a different story. The well being of your kids is a priority. Good Luck

wtpsu · Dec 12, 2007, 05:40 AM

She just has not stuck with anything. The tougher something is the faster she runs. I believe that there is something at the root, but I can't make her want to put out the effort to find and deal with whatever it might be. Now I have 17 years of frustration coming out at once.

ordinaryguy · Dec 12, 2007, 06:16 AM

Originally Posted by wtpsu

She just has not stuck with anything. The tougher something is the faster she runs. I believe that there is something at the root, but I can't make her want to put out the effort to find and deal with whatever it might be. Now I have 17 years of frustration coming out at once.

Should you feel guilty? Hell no. She's got her own demons to face, and it's high time she got on with it.

For yourself, some counseling might be in order to explore why you enabled her for 17 years. That's way too long for the health or well-being of anybody involved here. My guess is that it's guilt that made you do it, and it's time for you to finally lay that burden down. That can't be easy, and getting some help with it is an honorable thing to do. Also, some counseling for the kids couldn't hurt, if they're in a frame of mind to accept some help. Congratulations for finally taking action.

450donn · Dec 12, 2007, 09:57 AM

Going to play devils advocate for a bit here. You did marry her for better ow worse. This is the worse part. Now, first I have to suggest counselling, maybe a shrink for her lying compulsion. If she is unwilling to accept that then it might be time to move on.

wtpsu · Dec 12, 2007, 09:23 PM

Originally Posted by 450donn

Going to play devils advocate for a bit here. You did marry her for better ow worse. This is the worse part. Now, first I have to suggest counselling, maybe a shrink for her lying compulsion. If she is unwilling to accept that then it might be time to move on.

Thanks, your comment really lets me know that after 17 years of trying I should not be feeling guilty because it ha taken me that long to get to this point.