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    ally123's Avatar
    ally123 Posts: 57, Reputation: 5
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    #1

    Dec 6, 2007, 07:58 PM
    I'm 15 so tell me what you think
    OK just to make this clear I'm not cutting and I'm not going to kill myself and I'm 15 so please tell me what you think of my poem


    Over and over again I scream
    While over and over again I rip at the seam
    The kiss of a razor blade touch
    Blood continually draining
    I can see my life fading
    Releasing all things that make me scream and shout
    I tear open my life and the blood pours out
    So tonight is the night that I silently cry
    Slowly fading
    Wishing the world goodbye
    Because tonight is the night I finally die

    I will not wake up tomorrow
    Can't you see
    So you don't have to pretend you care about me
    I know you couldn't see the hurt in my eyes
    From the face I put on for a disguise
    So tonight I sit and cry my last tear
    And let go of the things that I held so dear
    I see my life slipping by
    Tonight is the night I finally die
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #2

    Dec 6, 2007, 08:06 PM
    You're poem is expressive. I think that some of the sentences could be shortened a little so that there is more of a rhythm to the poem overall. It seems like it is headed in the direction of having some rhythm to it. When I started to read it, that is what I was expecting to happen, that it would have some rhythm.

    Why did you write what you did?
    ally123's Avatar
    ally123 Posts: 57, Reputation: 5
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    #3

    Dec 6, 2007, 08:29 PM
    I'm sorry I don't get your question?
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #4

    Dec 6, 2007, 08:34 PM
    Why did you write the poem? I am just curious.
    ally123's Avatar
    ally123 Posts: 57, Reputation: 5
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    #5

    Dec 6, 2007, 08:44 PM
    When I was 14 I used to cut myself I don't any more though and there was just a day that had gone very wrong and I thought that I couldn't take it anymore so I did try to end my life with by cutting my wrists and I had woken up the next morning alive and I had written this but never finished it so a week ago I finished it
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    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #6

    Dec 6, 2007, 08:50 PM
    So, you are just reflecting some on the way that things used to be for you. Correct?
    ally123's Avatar
    ally123 Posts: 57, Reputation: 5
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    #7

    Dec 6, 2007, 08:51 PM
    Yes
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #8

    Dec 6, 2007, 08:52 PM
    What did you think about my comments about your poem?
    ally123's Avatar
    ally123 Posts: 57, Reputation: 5
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    #9

    Dec 6, 2007, 09:01 PM
    I read it over again and I had a rhythm when I was writing it but I think the long sentances
    Faded it out

    I should be getting to bed too so goodnight
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #10

    Dec 6, 2007, 09:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ally123
    i read it over again and i had a rhythm when i was writing it but i think the long sentances
    faded it out

    i should be getting to bed too so goodnight
    If you would like for me to show you how it might have some rhythm to it again overall, I would be glad to show you. But, I wouldn't do that without your permission. Please let me know if you would like for me to do that.

    Good night to you! :)
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