[Stephieee]

I am 23, and my boyfriend is 25. We live together, and after rekindling a relationship, I am feeling like maybe I was just hurt too much to move on.

We were together for 10 months and lived together for 8 of them when he suddenly broke up with me and moved out. I was devastated. I spent a few months totally depressed and trying to win him back, until he started dating one of his ex’s (briefly), which finally made me realize that it was over. After being broken up for 6 months, we started seeing each other again, and officially “back together” 2 months later, when he moved back into my apartment.

Now we have been back together for 4 months. I am now realizing that I am still so angry with him for breaking up with me. I spent so much time trying to win him back, and wishing things were back to normal, and now that I “won”, I don’t want it anymore. I feel like I compromised myself by allowing him to throw me away like he did, and then allow him to step back into my life.

This is causing some major trust issues. When he says he loves me, I wonder how he could have treated me so badly for 6 months. I feel like I allowed him to walk all over me. I wonder what he was doing, and who he was with. I wonder why he wanted to go out with his ex girlfriend.

I do love him though. We are very compatible and have so much fun together. I am still really attracted to him physically. He treats me well, though sometimes I wonder if he cares about my needs as much as his own. I put so much in this relationship and I don’t feel like he gives as much as I do. He thinks I expect too much.

Also, we never have sex. We used to have sex daily. Now, for the last 3 months or so, its limited to about once a month. We are affectionate, and we touch, but we don’t have sex, and when we do, I feel awkward about it. I know he is attracted to me, but I feel like maybe there is just something missing.

Now it’s gotten to the point where we are on the verge of breaking up, because neither one of us is happy when I am upset. But I will be miserable again when he is gone. I’ve sacrificed everything for this relationship and have lost touch with pretty much all of my friends. My closest friends have all moved away. I don’t want to hold on because I'm scared of being alone, but I don’t want to turn my life upside down again, either.

I really don’t know what to do. Its hard to even talk to him about because he can't even understand why I am so upset. I don’t even fully know why I am upset, but I am. It is like an emotional rollercoaster of happy/sad, and it sucks.

[kp2171]

I think you're stuck in the comfort of what you've had and you are realizing that it might be time to move on.

No, its not easy. But most people go through something like this at some time. The specific details are different, but I have been with a person I loved dearly, but could no longer be with. Was in my young 20's, shed hurt me, wed gotten back together. Still loved each other, but my needs had changed and that love, while a powerful sentiment and comfort, wasn't going to be enough to make it last.

I'm sorry you've gone through this noise. I'm sorry you are confused and hurting. You are probably going to hurt a little more. But its probably time to step back and move on.

He might be a great guy. You might have had some great times. There's no shame in saying you thought it could work out but it isn't. You might have been more driven by the "win" than you ever expected, and now that you have it you realize you were just trying to reverse the hurt. Well.. now he's back and the hurt is still there.

As for sexual compatibility... I think all relationships go through some ups and downs... but if its really what you say it is, I think there are some sexual incompatibility issues that either need worked through or are just another reason to step back.

My partner and I have been together for coming on 10 years now. We've both had times when we were more distant intimately due to stress, illness, bad timing, the birth of a child, etc... but I've never felt like we couldn't find some middle ground. Never felt like we were sexually incompatible or that we had really different desires, even if the reality didn't always meet our desires.

So... only you can make the choice, but I think maybe you are looking more for people to support the choice you seem to be leaning toward... leaving him. Well chalk me up as a supporter. I'm all for telling someone to do the hard work to save a serious relationship... do the talking, the communication, the work... but I think there's a time also when you just know something isn't right.

Seems like that moment started when he left you and you've not been able to rectify that, despite your attempts.

[Suelle383]

In order to truly be happy and be together, you need to forgive each other for the breakup. You can't keep torturing yourself or him about it. Once you do that you can look at the present situation with a clear mind. Is the present situation working out, can you be happy with the way things currently are? If so, then stay together. If not, its time to move on.

I was in a similar situation. I got back together with my ex and the first 1-2 months I still held this underlying anger towards him for the break-up. It drove me crazy! Finally, I realized I had to give that up in order to move forward and be happy in our relationship. Now everythings been going sooooo much better.

[N0help4u]

Do you feel he is with you for convenience of not having anywhere or anyone else to turn to?

Talk to him and ask him why things are going the way they are and if he wants them to improve or go your separate ways? It could be a lack of communication. If he sincerely wants to make it work and you come to some solutions forgive him and give him the benefit of the doubt that he just might have learned from his past mistakes and woke up and truly does want to be with you.

Also it sounds like you are probably unconscientiously feeling like you want to pay him back. Give that some thought to make sure it isn't an issue.