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LonelyMe · Dec 4, 2007, 05:04 AM

I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.

Synnen · Dec 4, 2007, 06:03 AM

Have you seen a marriage counselor about it?

donf · Dec 4, 2007, 08:08 AM

Lonely Me,

Next time you get the urge (and may that be soon), send your husband an invitation to join you for an evening of romance and? You fill in the blanks.

Send the card to him at work. I don't mean an ostentatious card but a simple "Hallmark" will do. When he gets home see if you can figure out the day he gets the card by his actions.

If he reacts the way you expect. When things calm down, reinforce the process by thanking him for taking the initator's role and tell him how much you like him to want you.

Hopefully, after a few more attempts, you will draw him into a more romantically aggressive lover. Sometimes with us guys, blunt force trauma is not the only way for us to educated!

Homegirl 50 · Dec 4, 2007, 11:01 AM

If you know your husband is this way, (and he's been this way for 12 years) if you know he loves you and if things are good with you otherwise, why is this a problem?
Don't try having a battle of the wills and then not have sex because he has not initited it, he won't, then you'll get mad. He is doing what he has always done and expects that if you want to, you'll initiate it.
If it truly bother's you, have a talk with him in a nonconfrontational way, let him know how it makes you feel, or seek some counseling for the both of you.
Why is this starting to get to you so much now?

grammadidi · Dec 4, 2007, 11:34 AM

I agree with Homegirl 50's response. If your husband and you are happy otherwise, then maybe it just turns him on when you initiate. If he weren't responding, then I would be concerned. However, you really should talk to him about it. Communication is THE most important thing in a marriage (that means talking AND listening).

I believe that you have to pick your battles, but you could ask him to initiate once in a while for a bit of variety. Sometimes guys just like what is happening so they don't want to alter it. Usually they will try to make you happy if they love you though!

Hugs, Didi

LonelyMe · Dec 4, 2007, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Have you seen a marriage counselor about it?

No, we haven't. We can communicate pretty good when I initiate that also. Hmmm... Do you see a pattern here? The other poster's are correct in saying that I knew how he was before we were married (although to a lesser extent). I won't try to pretend it was different. In general, any type of intimacy has to be initiated by me. I know what the problem is: me. I have to learn to deal with this more effectively and less destructively. I just can't help feeling resentful sometimes :( . How do I get over that?

Thanks for all your replies... it's kind of you to take the time.

LonelyMe · Dec 4, 2007, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Why is this starting to get to you so much now?

I don't know... I guess I'm being childish and want what I don't have...

You're right... I need to pick my battles and accept my role as 'initiator'... but I can't help it... sometimes it just 'gets my goat'

Thanks for your insight.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 4, 2007, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by LonelyMe

I don't know ... I guess I'm being childish and want what I don't have ...

You're right ... I need to pick my battles and accept my role as 'initiator' ... but I can't help it ... sometimes it just 'gets my goat'

Thanks for your insight.

He is the man YOU picked and he seems to like it that way. As I see it, you have a man who allows you to be you and adores you.
Look at it this way, you can have all the sex you want or don't want.
I wish you well.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2007, 03:55 PM

Could there be something else going on in your life that is really bothering you?

LonelyMe · Dec 5, 2007, 06:04 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Could there be something else going on in your life that is really bothering you?

I think I may just be going through some sort of 'mid-life crisis'. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if I can spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't make many attempts at intimacy, sexual, or otherwise. It makes me feel lonely at times. I realize how selfish this is for me to even think, but I wonder if there isn't someone out there that I could relate to better. I'm disappointed in myself for even thinking that! I know that I'm responsible for my own happiness, I don't expect him (or anyone) to 'complete' me... but I feel so distanced from him right now... grown from our lack of intimacy.

Anyhow, I really feel that I need to overcome my own feelings of resentment for having to be the only one that brings up anything deeper than "did you take out the trash" and the only one to initiate sex. I can't help but wonder why he won't do that for me though? We've talked about it so many times and he understands and agrees with me... so why do I have to bring it up every 6 months or so? It seems so disrespectful to me as I try to do things that he likes - and I don't need to be reminded.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2007, 09:12 PM

40 sounds so young for the change, but I guess anything is possible. I bought a red sport car, let me tell you that having these thoughts and worrying about getting old and irrelevant is normal and temporary. If your having the hot flashes, see a doctor please, but I'm sure nothing will change but you, and your attitude. Are you both healthy, or taking medications? How old are your children? Sorry for all the questions, but forming the best advice takes a lot of info.

LonelyMe · Dec 6, 2007, 12:04 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

40 sounds so young for the change, but I guess anything is possible. I bought a red sport car, let me tell you that having these thoughts and worrying about getting old and irrelevant is normal and temporary. If your having the hot flashes, see a doctor please, but I'm sure nothing will change but you, and your attitude. Are you both healthy, or taking medications? How old are your children? Sorry for all the questions, but forming the best advice takes a lot of info.

Oh, I meant a mid-life crisis as in examining everything in my life... not menopause. I don't have any symptoms of that yet. Both my husband and I are fitness conscious (we excersice, eat right) and take no medications. Our children are 7 & 10.

tcat31 · Dec 7, 2007, 10:01 AM

I can completely understand how you are feeling because I am in the same situation. I'm 31 and my husband 41, married almost 5 years with no children. He was never exactly the kind of guy to chase me around the house but over the past few years it has become more and more apparent that unless I do something about it there is no sex. I have spoken to him about it countless times, and just told him that I would like for him to initiate sometimes so I know when he feels like it and it makes me feel good... Because there have been times when I tried to and he was either too tired, or he would say "later", or he would start talking about something and next thing I know an hour went by and quite frankly I lost the urge! But despite the talks nothing changes beyond a couple of days. A month will go by and he doesn't even notice, he'll say "Has it been that long?". The fact that he has started his own business doesn't help because now he has every reason not to have sex... fatigue, stress, lack of time, and so it just compounds the already existing differences in our drives. I am with you on the frustration, resentment, feeling like I'm missing out, not understanding why other men see me as sexy and would love to have a woman who could easily make love everyday, and yet the one man I love seems to want to do anything but. And he doesn't see a problem, and won't go see a counselor or doctor or anything else... I basically either adapt and accept it once and for all or move on. :(

LonelyMe · Dec 7, 2007, 03:34 PM

Originally Posted by tcat31

I can completely understand how you are feeling because I am in the same situation. :(

Gosh, I wish I had some answers for you too. It's very frustrating to me that he doesn't seem to notice a very sexual and attractive wife who's right there ready for him. It's a turn off to me to always make the first move. I know that everyone thinks I should just get over it and make the move, but I have my own sexual turn ons... one of which is to have an aggressive partner make love to me. How am I supposed to help that?

Homegirl 50 · Dec 7, 2007, 04:02 PM

Tell your husband that you have a fantasy, and then break it down to him. Ask him if he's up to fulfilling it. Sometimes you have to prod them a bit when they've gotten into a rut.

kp2171 · Dec 7, 2007, 04:30 PM

And don't beat yourself up...

Everybody wants to be pursued. Its healthy.

He may not be malicious about this. He might not even see the problem.

I'm guessing part of it is his drive is simply lower and add to that the normal "not-newness" when you've been with a partner for some time.

You aren't in the wrong by feeling how you feel. It is how you feel... and it seems you've been pretty tolerant about the whole thing.

Perspective... I was always the pretty behaved guy. Was never the bad boy. Pretty nice to people if given a chance. And when it came to sex I was happy to be an initiator... if I had "go ahead" signals...

That is, when I knew it was OK... I was more than happy to run the show and get things rolling... which isn't the same thing as simply initiating and seeing how things roll.

I've joked with my wife, after talking about this past behavior, that I'm jealous of my son. He's just 4, but I just KNOW he's going to get laid so much more that I ever did. He is fearless, cute, and naughty. He's going to be the kid that says "cmon why not? itd drive your father mad! cmon..." I am so going to get phone call from angry parents. We have a bail money/college fund started...

By the way.. that's a joke. Well, half way.

Anyway... the point is that some guys are wired differently and it took me a few relationships before I figured out it was OK to initiate without prompting, even if it means getting turned down. You don't hafta hit 0.800 to get into the hall of fame (baseball reference). So now I certainly initiate more, though I probably have to override that normal "setting" I had before.

So... maybe he's partly wired like that. It isn't an excuse for neglect. But it takes away from the issue of "are you desirable"... he could very well be this way, period.

Anyway can you take little vacations, breaks, or even a night away from the house together?

When my wife and I were feeling like the "couple" side of us was getting lost in the "family" side/"work" side/etc we decided to plan at least one get away each quarter...

Sometimes its just dinner out and a night in a hotel. One time we rented a room that was 15 minutes away from home and the baby. It wasn't money poorly spent. It helped us reconnect and focus on each other.

And when you can find a way to reconnect to that intimacy you might find that his drive is more present. When I sense that my wife is just beat up from work or whatever, I'm less likely to "impose"...

Sometimes you need to give him a chance to feel what its like to not be on the clock, rushing to get a fix with the kids gone or asleep, etc. we get "away" as much as wed prefer, but the once a quarter couple only overnight out rule has been a wonderful way to reconnect. 10 years together, by the way.

talaniman · Dec 7, 2007, 06:08 PM

KP has some valid point, as in today's world, couples are always like ships in the night, and have to work hard to connect there regular cycles up. Just curious as to his responses when you ask him directly what's up?

talaniman · Dec 8, 2007, 07:52 AM

Another aspect to consider is there any long standing unresolved issues between you? Resentment can mess up a love life. Men can be awfully stubborn when they think their back is to the wall.

L_Holly20 · Dec 8, 2007, 03:44 PM

Has he always been that way? My ex husband loved havng sex, but he loved being dominated and so I was always the one to do everything. He was always that way though from the first time to the very last time. Maybe he needs reassurance that you want him.

LonelyMe · Dec 11, 2007, 06:15 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Another aspect to consider is there any long standing unresolved issues between you?? Resentment can mess up a love life. Men can be awfully stubborn when they think their back is to the wall.

When I ask him 'what's up'? - I usually get the 'just tired' or "I didn't realize it's been that long" response. Honestly, there isn't any unresolved issues between us except the one I'm bringing up here. He enjoys having sex, just doesn't care to initiate - seems to be able to go with or without. In our talks he's agreed to take a more pro-active role and try to initiate love making (and I've even asked him not to feel offended/rejected if I'm occasionally NOT in the mood) - but it only lasts a matter of days or weeks. I've tried to figure out what is going on in his head and all I can come up with is he's just plain 'LAZY'. I've got no other explanation. In the past, I've tried to tell him things that I like and don't like in the bedroom, but I think he may have taken that as an insult - no matter how many times I've told him that he's a good lover.