Check out some similar questions!

LonelyMe · Dec 11, 2007, 06:28 PM

Well, the other night, I took Donf's advice and sent him a text saying something sexy along the lines that I wanted him when he got home (he was out late). Well, he arrived home and didn't do anything! I checked his phone (just to be fair) and realized that he must not have read my message... sigh... nice try.
So anyhow, I'm about to explode, so I go upstairs and "initiate" the whole sex thing again. He's a good lover when he wants to be. I know how valuable this is to our relationship as he's much more affectionate the next day. So I guess now I'm satisfied for a short while but expect that we won't be intimate again until I make the move. Arrgh. Honestly, I just don't know how to get over feeling resentful that he won't make the effort.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2007, 07:36 PM

Two things come to mind, write letter on a day he will be home all day and wait while he reads it. Trying to start the dialogue there, just be non-judgemental, but express your feelings. Secondly, if you can't change him, change yourself. Is this the only glitch in the relationship? Can you accept him as he is??

grammadidi · Dec 11, 2007, 08:16 PM

Sweetie, I just need to say this. Some women have husbands who fool around... some have husbands who won't have sex with them at all... others have abusive husbands, or those that drink too much, disrespect them, etc. While I totally understand that you feel resentful at times, I think you should look at the big picture during those times. Try to concentrate on what you HAVE!! My second husband was a good man... one of the best! I loved him dearly and he adored me. He was so darned satisfied in our relationship that he just didn't 'need' sex. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't understand it. He loved me, I turned him on, we had no unresolved issues, we communicated great! He went to a marriage counselor with me who was experienced in sex therapy. Bottom line was, he just felt content. It drove me crazy!

Well, just days before our tenth anniversary, my husband ended up finding out he was in the final stages of gastric cancer. He was give 2 to 6 weeks to live - but he lived 5 months. Let me tell you this... it was such a HUGE waste of our time precious time together to be frustrated and resentful for some of it. Hun, I am telling you... if you truly love this man then count your blessings and enjoy the love that you have while you have it. Don't waste a moment of ONE MORE DAY being resentful! In the big scheme of things it just isn't worth it!

I have never spent one day since my husband died wishing that he and I had had sex more often. I have, however, wished that I hadn't wasted the hours I spent upset with him.

I may be wrong, I don't know. After all, this is just MY story... but, I think you should give it some thought. Men don't live as long as women. My husband was 52 years old when he died - had only been sick twice in his entire life - didn't drink or smoke. He was physically fit, got lots of fresh air, and all in all did most of the right things. Grab on to what you have, communicate with him, love him and just enjoy what you have. That is my advice to you.

Hugs, Didi

LonelyMe · Dec 14, 2007, 10:47 AM

Awwwe, thanks Didi - that was a very nice post you wrote! Everyone here is so damn right - I realize that I shouldn't be so childish and focus on this one downfall in our marriage and just be grateful for what I do have. It's not the biggest deal in the world to have to initiate sex. When I read what you have to say, I completely agree and think, sure, I can accept my role as initiator of sex'... but as time goes on, I know I'll slip back into resentment - which is the area that I need to work on myself and need help to overcome.

Talaniman - Our relationship isn't 'perfect' but we do get along great and are able to communicate well - although I mostly have to initiate that as well. It's not that he doesn't want to talk or isn't willing... he just likes to talk about superficial things. But that's not really an issue with us. I do love him, he's a good dad, good provider, good friend, he's funny, outgoing - It's not really hard to accept him as he is. It's just this ongoing sex thing that is our (my) major obstacle. And I realize that I have made this the obstacle. So my question is: How Do I Get Over My Resentment so I can get on with it?

talaniman · Dec 14, 2007, 11:16 AM

Recognise him and what he does for you, and the family, and then accept what he can't do. In a marriage we accept the fact that our spouse is good in so many ways, and we deal with the things about them that we can't stand, and for sure all marriages have something about them that are partner can't stand. If you balance the two, you'll find that the good outwieghs the bad , and make the allowances our loving partner deserves. He probably is glad you're the initiator in the relationship, or he would probably never have sex, and talk to himself. You're a good mate. I hope I helped.

jrebel7 · Dec 29, 2007, 11:18 PM

Originally Posted by LonelyMe

I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.

Looking at the dates on these posts, perhaps I should let things be. You received great advice and you seem open to it. But because you still express a concern that you feel you might resentment in the future over having to initiate making love, may I suggest something? It is realtively simple. Ask your husband to go to his urologist or internist and ask for blood work up. Ask the doctor to check his hormone level. This is not something that is spoken about a lot that I have heard but men's hormone levels get low just like women's as they get older. It could simply be that his sex drive is low because his hormone level is low. Simple fix. They have pills which aren't that effective but they have shots he can run by and get once or twice a month, depending on how low his level is. The doctor will do blood work periodically to keep a check on it. He will know when he needs to reduce number of times a month of shot. Once a month might work just fine but two a month might get him to a better place quicker then he could level it out... just have him visit with his doctor about it. Just a suggestion and I suggest this in the context that you have a solid relationship with him in all other ways. One doctor stated that he has men in their late 20's coming to him asking for Viagra because of this exact problem but this is not Viagra he will be given. It will be a male hormone like his body should produce anyway. So it isn't a reflection on his manhood nor on you as his wife. If your marriage is solid I would go it. The emotions you are feeling are totally understandable but if his health is good otherwise and the doctor feels good about the injections, it might be worth a try. Much happiness to you! :)

George_1950 · Dec 30, 2007, 11:13 AM

"I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband!...I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us...I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy... I don't know what to do anymore."

I have found that getting the right answer involves asking the right question. I reposted some of your comment/question to re-focus on what you are asking. I don't think you are at fault and I believe you should pursue what you are looking for. Don't know if this will be any help, but take a peek and good luck: Sex & intimacy - Revolution Health

Kat4798 · Mar 8, 2008, 08:56 AM

Hi Lonely!

I could have written your post myself! I am 26, my husband is 29. In the past five weeks we have had sex twice, both times at my initiation. This is a very typical scenario for us. We are both very happy with the actual sex that we have. The problem is he never takes initiative with our relationship-- emotionally or physically. I have brought the situation up (carefully) numerous times over the past 6 years of our marriage, and he says, "I'm sorry, I'll change" and he doesn't. I am a good wife to him. I cook him his favorite dinners, kiss him when he comes home, talk to him on the phone every day at lunch, I am down to 105 lbs. I've started wearing makeup every day for the past year, I've started a board game tradition for "together time", suggested (discretely) things he could do to not be so awkward about initiating things (like breaking out the massage oil during a backrub), and nothing is getting through to him!
I am at my wit's end.
Yes, it sounds like we both married passive-type guys, but time has a way of changing people, situations, and needs.
The main thing in my life that has caused me to need a change in his tactics is that I became a stay-at-home mom. It is a rather lonely job, and I knew going in to it that to be successful at it, I would need him to give me a little more of himself. He agreed, but 18 months later, I am so lonely.
I don't know about you, but I need my man to be more of a "man".
How are things going for you? Have you found any way to get through to him?

talaniman · Mar 8, 2008, 03:08 PM

Yes, it sounds like we both married passive-type guys, but time has a way of changing people, situations, and needs.

Its much easier to change yourself, than its is a husband. Do the things that make you happy, and be responsible for your own change.

N0help4u · Mar 8, 2008, 03:19 PM

Maybe initiate everyday and tell him this is the way it is going to be as long as it is up to you cause you AIN'T going no year, month, or however long waiting on him.
Maybe then he will get the message?

jrebel7 · Mar 8, 2008, 04:49 PM

Hi there LonelyMe!

I have a question. When you and your husband were dating, was he aggressively pursuing you in a physical way then? Also, in the first few years of marriage, was he the initiator more than he is now? If so, he is probably just feeling okay about where you are together, tired from work, needs your outside stimulation to kick it into gear for him.

Always being the initiator, I am sure makes you feel he does not desire you as much as before if he was the initiator earlier in the marriage. One thing to think about is that we are saturated by talk of sex on television, radio, friends, co-workers, to the point that I think we assume others are having great "love-making" sessions more often that we are. So when it doesn't happen the way we think it should as women, we take it personally. I do at times. I think even a man, if he has to be the initiator all the time, begins to feel he is not as desired as he would like to be.

My doctor said that a man peaks sexually at about age 25 or 30 and a women begins peaking sexually from 35 on.. He shook his head and said he just didn't know what God was thinking when he designed us this way. There is a strong drive to procreate, then men and sometimes both husband and wife go into career mode, leaving their love making to suffer.

As long as your husband responds lovingly and is proactive during the love-making session with you, maybe just finding new ways of making sex more interesting might peak areas of interest he has not thought about. Give him some suggestions just before he goes to work as to what you would enjoy that evening, that way, it would be on his mind before evening. Just as women, or I should just speak for myself, just as I love lots of foreplay, maybe he just needs some verbal foreplay to begin his day and then when he gets home, he might initiate a little more often.

None of us have the exact answer for you but are here for you to vent to and we are here to offer suggestions.

I don't expect I have given you any miracle answers but believe me when I say I do understand what you are sharing. My husband is older than I so he began to wane a bit just a few years ago, thus the doctor appointment, thus the shots, thus the great love making I shared about in the earlier e-mail. I didn't share it as a personal experience but I imagine you realized it was but I do share this now to be more of an encourager. The two shots per month became a bit much so backed off to one a month. While I would not share this so openly with friends who actually know he and I and live around us, I share it in the forum, in the attempt of helping you and your husband to possibly find some avenues of help. My husband was reluctant at first to mention to his doctor his sex drive was low but he did and we are sure glad he did!

As much as I always thought all men had a high sex drive, having been pursued through the years, I have learned from my doctor and from some friends as we have shared personal things, some men have a very low sex drive. It is not uncommon. Just as we each have our own personality, we also each have our level of sexual drive. Some people need more stimulation, more foreplay, more visual, some like the lights out, no talk, some like lots of verbaliazation during, some want it quiet. These might be things you could visit with your husband about also to get his mind thinking about making love with you, at times when he can't be right there with you then when he gets home, he will be ready to initiate? Just thoughts.

Best to you!

talaniman · Mar 8, 2008, 04:57 PM

Rebel has a good point, as I bet he may be dedicated to you, in other ways that he shows.

l12 · Mar 8, 2008, 07:38 PM

Originally Posted by LonelyMe

I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.

I know what you mean... I HEAR you loud and clear. It's not fair, but some advise for you... Think about you... look at yourself... love yourself... and make him notice you... make some changes to yourself that would make you want to walk outside and be noticed by people... that might open his eyes and let him know that you are awesome, and wanted, and confident in yourself... so he needs to get with it and take hold of the wonderful wife he has... Remember... if you're not happy... no one is around you.

jrebel7 · Mar 8, 2008, 08:18 PM

l12 agrees: Very nice to hear that we, as women, are all in the same boat....unless our husbands or lovers are way younger...........Why did this problem happen to us and what in the world are the young women with older men doing to satisfy themselves.....waitin

I can only answer for me but explain to your husband how unsatisfied you are, ask if he has any suggestions. If he doesn't, then suggest that he go to get hormone level checked by simple blood test. Made a world of difference here... he was pleasantly surprised and our world changed for the better. Even when we are not making love, he is just more gentle, loving and caring since he has been getting the hormone shots. (Pills didn't work for him).

I am not saying these hormone shots are the only answer because there are so many other issues that could be going on depending on the couple. But communication regarding sexual matters is as important as communication in any situation.

Communicate; explain what you need to make you content, satisfied and happy and ask what would make your mate content, satisfied and happy. When you enter marriage, you are there to meet each other's needs and it is each one's responsibility to share with one's mate what those needs are. There is usually one that has better communication skills than the other but whoever initiates the communication, at least hopefully, both will come up with a happy resolve to any issue. Neither male nor female are mind readers when it comes to what each other needs so that needs to be communicated verbally, in a quiet, relaxed atmosphere when there aren't going to be a lot of interruptions and a time when each are not exhausted from a long and stressful work day. We live in an area with lakes everywhere so we will take short drives out to the lake and just sit in the quiet of the car and talk. We communicate in a deeper more meaningful way in the car where there are no children, doorbells, TV, etc. because neither one can leave the room, etc. We both have a tendency to tune each other out at home so this is just our way of getting to a quiet place when we need to really talk about issues.

Just a few thoughts. I can only share what has helped my husband and myself and hope something I share either helps or encourages you. Best to you.

Kat4798 · Mar 9, 2008, 05:50 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its much easier to change your self, than its is a husband. Do the things that make you happy, and be responsible for your own change.

What makes me happy is feeling connected to and wanted by my husband. If one or both parties in a marriage is/are unsatisfied, it would be far better to address and correct the problem rather than ignore it and have the problem and the resentment build even more over time.
P.S. I appreciate what you are saying, and have done things to fulfill some of my own needs. I just don't want to keep looking out into the world for happiness when it's right in front of me every day. Trust me, my husband wouldn't want me to be responsible for changes that would make me happy without his involvement :)

talaniman · Mar 9, 2008, 06:16 AM

Trust me, my husband wouldn't want me to be responsible for changes that would make me happy without his involvement :)

Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? Healthy? and stress free.

Kat4798 · Mar 9, 2008, 07:07 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? healthy?, and stress free.?

He stresses about work and things, probably not anymore than anyone else, though.
We've been talking quite a bit in the last couple days, and he says he gets frustrated occasionally when he wants to have sex and I have not initiated. I told him that I don't understand how I am supposed to know to initiate sex when he is silent, frustrated, and becoming resentful. Those feelings won't make me feel sexy, want to initiate sex, or make myself available to his initiation. I think he's just awkward and doesn't know how to approach me amid the day-to-day stuff. I've given him ideas, though (carefully, as I said before; I know how sensitive the male ego is! ), and told him it wouldn't take much more than a touch that had the right energy associated with it for me to get the point.
Also, I don't nag him around the house and things. He only has two chores: scopping the cat litter and occasionally cleaning the garage (which he loves doing during football season because he has a TV out there :) ).
Like I said, he's awesome, and the sex we do have is great, luckily. I'm just feeling like where would we be without my efforts to stay connected? What else do I need to do and why should I have to keep trying without any response?
Thanks for listening.

Kat4798 · Mar 9, 2008, 07:09 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? healthy?, and stress free.?

P.S. I have never turned him down. If I'm ever really not in the mood (rarely), I let him know very specifically well in advance.

Kat4798 · Mar 9, 2008, 07:09 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? healthy?, and stress free.?

P.P.S. Not like I have really had many opportunities to turn him down... Haha!

sylvan_1998 · Mar 17, 2008, 08:55 AM

My answer may be a little bit different, but you are the same age as me and my husband and by appearance there is nothing wrong with us either. But when we went through this and it drove me mad, we found out he had low testosterone levels. Something very underdiagnosed.

This was the problem, and there is no easy solution as low levels of testosterone are hard to correct. Gels, patches... are what we have found, but be careful of transferance. We chose patches as it was less of a tranferance problem.

Good luck. And marriage counseling will help you find other ways of intimate connections including changing up sex some.