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needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 2, 2007, 02:53 PM

:( I was dating this wonderful guy for nine months and went through hell and back for this man. Well, because of previous relationships that I had, I was very insecure and jealous and in the end it caused for me and the love of my life to break up. How do I overcome this? Does it come all at once or does it gradually change? We aren't together as of last night but we are still very best friends and we still say we love each other. Can someone help me to understand how to overcome the jealousy and insecurities that I have in order for me to win him back or is it too far deep to fix? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

madaman · Dec 2, 2007, 04:16 PM

I don't think anything is too deep to fix, but something like that might take a lot of work. Realizing the effects of your jealousy on the relationship is the first step.

Farmerjohn692000 · Dec 2, 2007, 04:17 PM

Well first you need to realize that acting that way is going to push any man away. No man wants a girl that is controlling jealous or insecure. A guy needs his space. As for the jealous and insecure thing, just think of all the things that make you act this way. IS it because he talked to a friend, or is it because of anything he did. Get over the past relationships because that is water under the bridge. Start new every time. Just keep in mind when your this way that your not the only gal in the world. I'm sure your insecurites toward him are a result of being hurt in the past if you were. If you can't come to terms in getttin over your problem, try talking to someone like a counselor or therapist. Good luck

GODDESS27 · Dec 2, 2007, 04:21 PM

Hi, Something That I Found Used Full Is Write Down In A Piece Of Paper Why You Feel Like That. Read It Over And Over Until You Feel That It Does Not Belong To You Anymore. Is A Very Good Way To Do Self Psychological Therapy On You. And Trust Me It Work. I Found That If You Feel Anger Towards Somebody You End Up Forgiving That Person. And It Works With Anything Else Too.

miou30 · Dec 3, 2007, 03:08 AM

Usually people who love you are considerate towards you and don't do things that make you jealous or insecure. In your case I can't tell if you were overreacting or your feelings were justified by what you have written. Sometimes people act a certain way to hide their own insecurities. If you had a chat with him about what was causing you to feel jealous and insecure and he hasn't done anything about it, then it will probably best if you moved on. If on the other hand you genuinly feel you were overreacting then there are counsellors that will be more than happy to help you get over this issue. Hope everything works out for you!!

mafiaangel180 · Dec 3, 2007, 05:28 AM

I don't know your past and why you feel jealous and insecure. I can only think of my own past and the exes that lied, cheated, and verbally abused me. First of all, you got to tell yourself that this is a new guy. And to tack all of those problems and labels onto him would be unfair and is self-sabotaging the relationship. You will need to work on yourself and love yourself, and it is possible.

Also, remember that ill feelings are still normal. It's how you act on them that determines whether they are unhealthy. Everyone feels a little bit of jealousy, but if you try to control the person you are with in order to ease your own ill feelings, that is when it becomes a problem.

Best of luck to you.

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 3, 2007, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by Farmerjohn692000

Well first you need to realize that acting that way is going to push any man away. No man wants a girl that is controlling jealous or insecure. A guy needs his space. As for the jealous and insecure thing, just think of all the things that make you act this way. IS it because he talked to a friend, or is it because of anything he did. Get over the past relationships because that is water under the bridge. Start new everytime. Just keep in mind when your this way that your not the only gal in the world. I'm sure your insecurites toward him are a result of being hurt in the past if you were. If you can't come to terms in getttin over your problem, try talking to someone like a counselor or therapist. good luck

I realized a long time ago that acting overly jealous will make a man want to run away and I've tried to control that. I just don't know where to go from there as far to change that.

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 3, 2007, 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by GODDESS27

Hi, Something That I Found Used Full Is Write Down In A Piece Of Paper Why You Feel Like That. Read It Over And Over Until You Feel That It Does Not Belong To You Anymore. Is A Very Good Way To Do Self Psychological Therapy On You. And Trust Me It Work. I Found That If You Feel Anger Towards Somebody You End Up Forgiving That Person. And It Works With Anything Else Too.

Another reason why we always argued is because we didn't know how to go to each other and talk about how we were feeling. We were afraid that it would start conflict so we just wouldn't do anything. I always wrote my feelings on paper and then let him read it... he would get upset because I couldn't go to him. Thanks for the support though. I'm hoping that while he's away... I will put my focus more on paper rather than screaming or yelling. Thanks again!

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 3, 2007, 01:32 PM

Originally Posted by miou30

Usually people who love you are considerate towards you and don't do things that make you jealous or insecure. In your case I can't tell if you were overreacting or your feelings were justified by what you have written. Sometimes people act a certain way to hide their own insecurities. If you had a chat with him about what was causing you to feel jealous and insecure and he hasn't done anything about it, then it will probably best if you moved on. If on the other hand you genuinly feel you were overreacting then there are counsellors that will be more than happy to help you get over this issue. Hope everything works out for you!!!

What caused me to be jealous or insecure is the way that I am inside. I'm tore up emotionally from the past and want to move forward with the future but don't know how to overcome those past feelings you know. Can you help me some more... I would surely apreciate it.

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 3, 2007, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

I don't know your past and why you feel jealous and insecure. I can only think of my own past and the exes that lied, cheated, and verbally abused me. First of all, you gotta tell yourself that this is a new guy. And to tack all of those problems and labels onto him would be unfair and is self-sabotaging the relationship. You will need to work on yourself and love yourself, and it is possible.

Also, remember that ill feelings are still normal. It's how you act on them that determines whether they are unhealthy. Everyone feels a little bit of jealousy, but if you try to control the person you are with in order to ease your own ill feelings, that is when it becomes a problem.

Best of luck to you.

In my past, I was physically and mentally abused and that's what makes me who I am today. I've never tacked any problems or labels towards my ex. The only reason why we didn't make it wasn't because of him but because of me. I don't truly love myself. I need to know how. Thanks for the luck... I need every bit of it!

GODDESS27 · Dec 3, 2007, 04:47 PM

I didn't mean that you write on a paper and give it to him to read. What I meant was to write it on paper and read it to yourself until you didn't feel that the situation was relevant to you. In matters of you write on a piece of paper and give it to him to read, well I would say he was right to feel that you should have told him. Communication is always the best way

talaniman · Dec 3, 2007, 05:02 PM

That you recognize your problem is a step in the right direction, but you still need to put forth the work in dealing with your issues. A good therapist can help guide you through this process. Don't take all the blame on yourself, as this guy has his own issues also. I feel he should have understood your expressing yourself in writing, as that is a form of communications also.

miou30 · Dec 5, 2007, 04:47 AM

It seems like you really want to sort yourself out. Good for you!! Feelings of insecurity and jealousy usually give rise to the fact that we try to get reassurance about ourselves from other people. And when those people leave us, we are left feeling worthless and hopeless. But this is not true!!

I'm prety sure you are a wonderful person with many qualities that most people wished they had. The only thing you need to do is teach yourself to take pride in who you are (past included) and then you won't need anyone to do it for you. Unfortunately, I don't know how to help you do that as I'm trying to do it myself. That's why I suggested a counsellor in my earlier post.

I get the feeling that this relationship would't have worked out even if you were the best girlfriend in the world. But that's just my opinion.

I wish you the best!! Keep us posted on your progress! I know you can do it!

LIVINGWITHOUTHIM · Dec 5, 2007, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by needinghelp2getonmyfeet

In my past, I was physically and mentally abused and that's what makes me who I am today. I've never tacked any problems or labels towards my ex. The only reason why we didn't make it wasn't because of him but because of me. I don't truly love myself. I need to know how. Thanks for the luck...I need every bit of it!

Unfortunately, love lives are complicated. It is almost like a game. You should buy the book "why men love b-itches" and "why men marry b-itches" by Sherry Argov... I hope you find my advice helpful, we've all been through it!:)

LIVINGWITHOUTHIM · Dec 5, 2007, 01:45 PM

Bottom line, Sherry Argov tells women that they need to be secure & happy with themselves to be in a good, balanced relationship. Then she demystifies some of the common behavoir we've all come across in men - such as, why they don't call when they say they will, why they will elevate a conversation by pushing your buttons. After interviewing a lot of men, she explains why they do this and what they perceive to be desirable in a woman they want to be with. It does not tell you to be someone else or not be yourself. It sheds light on the dynamics between men and women and encourages a balanced relationship. Apparently there are some pretty common pitfalls out there - she's helping us to identify them and now HOW to act instead of REACT.

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 6, 2007, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by GODDESS27

I didn't mean that you write on a paper and give it to him to read. what i meant was to write it on paper and read it to yourself until you didn't feel that the situation was relevant to you. In matters of you write on a piece of paper and give it to him to read, well i would say he was right to feel that you should have told him. Communication is always the best way

The only reason why I would give him what I wrote was because I felt like he needed to know that I really did care and the reasons I felt a certain way. I "needed" him to know. I'm not very good at communicating in person... he knows that and that's what gets me. I only write on paper when I'm upset you know. That way I don't yell at him and then regret it later on... Don't you think he should accept that?

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 6, 2007, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

That you recognize your problem is a step in the right direction, but you still need to put forth the work in dealing with your issues. A good therapist can help guide you thru this process. Don't take all the blame on yourself, as this guy has his own issues also. I feel he should have understood your expressing yourself in writing, as that is a form of communications also.

I want to agree with you completely... I'm trying to put forth the work in dealing with my issues... I just don't know how to sometimes...

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 12, 2007, 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by LIVINGWITHOUTHIM

unfortunately, love lives are complicated. It is almost like a game. you should buy the book "why men love b-itches" and "why men marry b-itches" by Sherry Argov.... I hope you find my advice helpful, we've all been through it!:)

Where can I find that book or is it possible to read some of it on the internet because right now I can't afford food much less a book... :D

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 12, 2007, 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by miou30

It seems like you really want to sort yourself out. Good for you!!! Feelings of insecurity and jealousy usually give rise to the fact that we try to get reassurance about ourselves from other people. And when those people leave us, we are left feeling worthless and hopeless. But this is not true!!!!

I'm prety sure you are a wonderful person with many qualities that most people wished they had. The only thing you need to do is teach yourself to take pride in who you are (past included) and then you won't need anyone to do it for you. Unfortunately, I don't know how to help you do that as I'm trying to do it myself. That's why I suggested a counsellor in my earlier post.

I get the feeling that this relationship would't have worked out even if you were the best girlfriend in the world. But that's just my opinion.

I wish you the best!!! Keep us posted on your progress! I know you can do it!

I'm sorry it took awhile to write back in awhile and keep you posted. Things are getting better but to some extent worse. I feel as though I'm sinking deeper into depression but at the same time I'm finally smiling at myself in a very long time. I want to seek a counselor really bad but don't have the money. Can you suggest a website that I can go to in my area for free help? I'd be very grateful!

miou30 · Dec 13, 2007, 05:02 AM

It's normal to feel depressed after a break up. Don't beat yourself over it. Usually you have to hit rock bottom before you start feeling better again. The fact that you are able to smile at yourself again is a good start. Keep it up:)

The best suggestion I can give you as far as counselling is concerned is to look for your local church and try to talk to the minister there. I'm prety sure he will be more than happy to listen to you and give you solid advice. Unfortunately most of the professional counsellors aren't willing to work for free.

On the other hand whenever you feel down and feel like you want to vent there are plenty of people on this site who will offer you their precious time and the best advice they can come up with. Just remember you are NEVER alone. Most of the people here are dealing with similar issues as you.

I think you are on the right track there. Keep your chin up. I will be waiting for an update:)