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alaskachick · Dec 2, 2007, 07:03 AM

My boyfriend is a severe alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic, his siblings are alcoholics. We live in a town that has a terrible alcohol problem. His friends are ALL addicts of one substance or another. In the last 5 years he has been in trouble several times... ALL alcohol related. I want to plan an intervention because if he doesn't quit I am afraid either A) He will get in trouble again and this time it could be worse. Or B) He will develop health problems due to drinking. The thing is there isn't a person I know that he is close to that can help me because I am afraid he will be reluctant to admit he needs help when someone with their own addiction problems is telling him he needs it. I also can't afford treatment for him.

So my question is
1) Is there grants for financing available for this?
2) How can I get though to him will all this negative pressure around?

NowWhat · Dec 2, 2007, 07:38 AM

An intervention is a hard thing to do. It is gut wrenching! But, if it can get your loved one to stop on the path of destruction, it is worth it.
I agree that it wouldn't be worth your time to fill a room with other addicts to get your boyfriend to stop.
I don't know if there is financing available for treatment. Does he have health insurance? Most times they pay for this kind of treatment. There are some facilities that will take payment plans. And treatment is very important. Alcohol is one of the few drugs that, while going through withdrawals, without medical attention, it can kill you. At least, that is what we were told when we did an intervention for one of my family members.

Is there anyone else in his life that is clean and sober? You don't need a lot of people to do this.
When the time comes, be prepared. Have all your ducks in a row.

N0help4u · Dec 2, 2007, 07:41 AM

I am surrounded by alcoholics and drug addicts and in thirty years I haven't seen an of them quit.

The sad facts are

A. They have to want to quit
B. If they go to rehab and do not want to quit the only thing it accomplishes is cleaning out their system so they can come back and start over with a better tolerance until they get their body back to the point where they were when they went into rehab. I know people who go to rehab JUST so they can clean their system out enough to have the better tolerance.
C. As for the negative pressure: I have watched a couple of my friends that really did want to quit and they were literally harassed by all the other addicts until they started again. My one friend that was doing good a month ago is slowly falling back and the friends are after him with guns.
D. Most of what I said is mostly drug addicts but it is not at all much better for the alcoholic.
E. Another friend of mine keeps crying he has cancer and he has liver damage and he is dying. Even with dying he will not quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. He understands that they counteract his medicines and it makes it harder for him to get better but he still can't go without constant drinking. He no sooner buys a case of beer and he is worrying how he is going to afford his next case.

F. There are programs depending on income and your location.

alaskachick · Dec 2, 2007, 07:46 AM

There is only ONE other person that I can think of that is sober and he looks up to

NowWhat · Dec 2, 2007, 07:48 AM

Well, there is your starting point. People can quit. I have watched it happen. Sometimes, people just need that extra help.

s_cianci · Dec 2, 2007, 07:53 AM

I think a better solution to your problem is to find a new boyfriend. Trying to play rescuer will only come back to haunt you.

alaskachick · Dec 2, 2007, 08:16 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

I think a better solution to your problem is to find a new boyfriend. Trying to play rescuer will only come back to haunt you.

You know if I was on here saying my sister had an alcohol problem would you tell me to find a new sister? He is my family I love him and I care for him and want to see him be the person I know he can be, and don't want to see him get sick, hurt, or in trouble. Please do not answer if you can not provide a helpful, useful suggestion or advice as that is what I am here for.

NowWhat · Dec 2, 2007, 08:26 AM

Bottom line, the easy thing to do is to walk away. But, you can't walk out on those you love, just because it is inconvienient.

alaskachick · Dec 2, 2007, 08:31 AM

Thank you your exactly right I can't walk out on him because I love him that's why I want to plan this intervention but don't know even where to start

shygrneyzs · Dec 2, 2007, 08:33 AM

You are enabling his behavior and that would be the same as if he were your brother or cousin. YOU cannot save him. You cannot get him into treatment if he does not want to go. You cannot stop him from drinking if he does not want to. You cannot change his family and friend's drinking. Being where he is, is reinforcing his own behavior.

IF he did go to a rehab center and come out clean and went back to his family, he would be drinking again in less than a month. The alcoholic is not the one only who is unhealthy. Often involves unhealthy families and friends. Someone who does obtain sobriety and wants to maintain that sobriety often has to make that choice between family and staying dry. Might mean a move to a different town and start all over new.

There are some states, not sure where you live, that have state run facilities for alcohol and drug addiction. Those places use insurance and self pay - for those who do not have resources, they are not turned away. You will need to do some checking.

It does not sound like your boyfriend attends AA but you can attend Al-Anon - an organization for families and friends of people who are have an alcohol addiction. You need help with your own thoughts and feelings. Learn that the best thing you can do is often to keep yourself healthy. Not getting into the head games alcoholics play, but releasing your own sense of responsibility and putting that where it belongs.

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
There is even an online AL-Anon outreach - Online Al-Anon Outreach

Fr_Chuck · Dec 2, 2007, 08:34 AM

There is nothing you can do to make him stop, he has to want to, he has to first agree there is a problem, and next want to stop. AA is the frst step, but he will have to want to go.

IF he will not, you may want to separate from him, and see if he wants his addiction over you. He does this because he wants to, not because of his father, not because of his friends, please don't make excuses for him,

At leats you go to a support group for partners, and find osme strengh in that.

NowWhat · Dec 2, 2007, 08:35 AM

Search the web. There are books dedicate to how to do this.
Or, hire someone. A mediator. (I would do that)
This person can be extremely helpful. Not only to help you figure out what to say and HOW to say it, but is a balancer at the intervention. He/she can guide you through what you need to do.

I have been a part of an intervention. It was hard, to put it mildly. The result was that a person I love dearly, quit drinking and has been sober for almost 4 years.

People can quit, people can change.

NowWhat · Dec 2, 2007, 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

There is nothing you can do to make him stop, he has to want to, he has to first agree there is a problem, and next want to stop. AA is the frst step, but he will have to want to go.

I agree, he has to want to. But alcoholics can not stop on their own. They need help, maybe a little push

IF he will not, you may want to seperate from him, and see if he wants his addiction over you.

You will have to figure out if he won't quit, what will you do?

He does this because he wants to, not because of his father, not because of his friends, please don't make excuses for him,

I don't think these are excuses, more of a discriptive to let us know what kind of place she and he are in.

at leats you go to a support group for partners, and find osme strengh in that.

I agree, you should look into Alanon.

alaskachick · Dec 2, 2007, 08:43 AM

I was not making any excuse by stating his family and friends are addicts... only explaining my situation and how hard I know that this is going to be. I do not enable him, I do not give him money, I do not pay his bills, I do not pick up his slack, and I do not make excuses. I know that he has made his situation the way it is. I simply want to HELP him do what he can to better the situation.

Unfortunately this town is very small there is no Al-Anon organization here only AA.

Dr sanju das · Dec 2, 2007, 08:44 AM

Yes Funds Are Available
For Getting Him Out Of This Addiction We Have Take Him To Addiction Control Centres

N0help4u · Dec 2, 2007, 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by alaskachick

You know if I was on here saying my sister had an alcohol problem would you tell me to find a new sister? He is my family I love him and I care for him and want to see him be the person I know he can be, and don't want to see him get sick, hurt, or in trouble. Please do not answer if you can not provide a helpful, useful suggestion or advice as that is what I am here for.

You can stay with him and try to help him but don't let it drain you, drag you down or have any negative effects on you. That is hard to do because you could find yourself buying him alcohol to get through his withdraws because you don't want to see him going through it or because he gets so bad with his withdraws that he threatens you if you refuse to buy him some. He will pay you back at first but eventually it will drain you financially and mentally.
It is not as easy or idealistic to help alcoholics as you think. Once you have been through it with a guy or two or three you will see that at most you accomplished becoming co dependent, an enabler and emotionally involved with something you have no control over.

I have known so many alcoholics I tried to get to 'straighten' out and many went through rehab and came out looking unbelievably healthy, sparkling eyes, glowing skin and an unbelievable energy and so alive that you would swear they would never want to go back and they ALL did! They will not change until they want to and even after they hit rock bottom they still go back.

Are you sure there are no ala non meetings near you?
You can double check for the closest one to you on this site

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

You really need to try and find one for yourself even if he doesn't want help.

shygrneyzs · Dec 2, 2007, 07:20 PM

There is the Online Al-Anon Outreach - Online Al-Anon Outreach

s_cianci · Dec 4, 2007, 05:00 AM

Originally Posted by alaskachick

You know if I was on here saying my sister had an alcohol problem would you tell me to find a new sister? He is my family I love him and I care for him and want to see him be the person I know he can be, and don't want to see him get sick, hurt, or in trouble. Please do not answer if you can not provide a helpful, useful suggestion or advice as that is what I am here for.

Unfortunately, as harsh as it may have sounded I think I told you what you needed to hear. If you were my daughter I certainly wouldn't allow you to have a boyfriend as you're describing, whether he's your "family" or not and whether you "love" him or not. The fact is, he's already sick, gotten hurt and in trouble. Now obviously none of that is your fault but, as I said before, it's not your place to fix it either. As NOhelp4u said, when you try to play rescuer you often end up being an enabler without intending to. The analogy about your sister doesn't fly either, because obviously you can't choose or replace your sister but you can certainly choose your boyfriend. I'm sure that there are plenty of successful, upstanding eligible men out there that you could have your pick of so why choose someone who's an alcoholic and has a family history of alcoholism?