[CUXC17]

Hi all,

So my girlfriend of 10 months broke up with me on Sunday night and I have been an absolute wreak. A little background on our relationship. We have been very very happy. She told me repeatedly that I'm the greatest person she has ever met and that I make her unbelievably happy. About 3 weeks ago she started to feel that I'm too clingy. We talked about it, almost broke up, yet worked it out. We had a great next week, she even told me how sorry she was and that she loves me so much she doesn't know what she was thinking. Then we went our separate ways for thanksgiving.
The whole time we were apart she was consistently texting and calling me, saying she missed and loved me. Even on Sunday afternoon she texted me, "just got back to the city, see you tonight. love you" I arrived in the evening. When I got back to my apartment I called her and she asked if she could come over, of course I said yes. When she comes over she walks in the door and comes to my room. She hands me something she had picked up for me at her mom's salon. I put it down and gave her a hug and a kiss. She looked miserable. She said we need to talk, I'm just not happy, and it became clear when she was away. I way over reacted because I had been built up in that all I was looking forward to was seeing her. I kicked her out, did the soap-opera esq tossing her clothes out of my apartment door and slamming it shut. I definitely over reacted. I cooled off for a minute or two then headed to her place to apologize. When I got there she was a mess, she was almost scared of me. She told me she just couldn't do it anymore and that she didn't know if she was actually in love with me. She took back my key and I left, a sobbing mess.
Flash forward to today I have done nothing but think about the relationship. I know she loves me, and I realize why she thinks she doesn't. We are a little opposite in that I am very touchy, give her foot and back massages all the time. She is not as much, and sometimes gets tired of it. She thinks that since she feels this way that must mean she doesn't have as strong of feelings for me as I do for her. I also like to spend as much time with her as possible. She is more independent and does not always want to be with me. Again this is just a personal preference. Yet she thinks its indicative of her feeling less than I do. She claims she can't think about anything without questioning whether she's going to hurt me or not. But the really important part is that I realize I have been to clingy, I have expected too much out of her. She is only 20, myself 22 and we basically live together, sleep in the same bed every night. I feel like she is just scared. In the heat of the moment she said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and she is not going to change her mind. I haven't talked to her since a chance run in on Monday. The day after she told a mutual friend that she was happy she broke up with me and only sad because I am devastated.
What I really want to know is how long should I wait to talk to her. I know I'm supposed to wait for her to come to me, but she is very stubborn (which is one of the million things I love about her) and the longer I go without talking to her the more she is going to convince herself that she was right to dump me. How do I communicate to her that I realize what I was doing wrong, feel awful about it, and want to change things? I know I can live without her, and that there are a ton of fish in the sea, and all that. I know its best just to move on, but I feel in my heart that this relationship was overall too good to be over so abruptly.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

It sounds to me like she was feeling smothered. She may decide that she hates that, and move on. Or she may decide that her decision was rash, and come back. I don't know... Only she does. This is what I suggest. Write her a letter describing your feelings about the relationship, the breakup, and her. Tell her you want to be friends if this relationship won't work out.

[enigmagnetic]

Yeah man she was feeling like you where too easy. You have to keep a sort of independence and individualism. It doesn't seem like you two where unbelievably happy and considering your situation I think that's an illusion you constructed to assure yourself that she wouldn't want to leave you. You seem insecure with yourself. I was in your shoes not too long ago. My ex also told me "you're the greatest, you're the best" blah blah. You have to look at actions not words. You basically would live your life based completely on her whims and desires. It's like you had no say in the relationship. I base this off the "oh she didn't want to see me on certain days so I had to stay away" and then blaming "personality differences" when it reality it's more of her dictating the relationship. You are at a crossroad in your life. You have to elect to learn from this. You will grow from this. It won't be the last relationship you will have. You have to cut her off. Don't call her don't text her, because you have to get your dignity back. You also have to realize 10 months when it comes to relationships is really not long at all. You both got to a point where you got to know each other and now have separated because of it. You also need to grow some more before you can really hold down a relationship. I don't want to be harsh with you but you have to man up. It's time that you work on yourself. You have to become strong enough, good enough, where you can be secure enough with yourself where you don't "overreact" as you put it. You have to get strong enough that you can be a bit indifferent at times. Look you're at a very common place in your life. We all (males) go through that first relationship in our early twenties where we are a bit insecure and the woman has to shoulder the load of the responsibilities. Where they basically tell us how to act. It will pass. Just focus on improving #1 which is you. Take care.