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asking · Nov 28, 2007, 12:06 AM

How long do people date before they tell each other how much money they make? I know a lot of people are careful about sharing financial information. I'm pretty open about that kind of thing myself, and I've told my boyfriend of 7 months everything about my finances. So I was taken aback tonight when he refused to tell me how much he makes. He hasn't hesitated to ask me lots of questions about mine, including how much I spend in the course of a year, my mortgage, etc. But he got angry when I asked if he didn't trust me. He kept saying I was "too interested" and also said something about being "subject to discovery" but wouldn't explain what he meant, and I think it was just an excuse. When do other people share financial information? I feel weird that he knows everything about my finances but won't reciprocate.
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Clough · Nov 28, 2007, 12:19 AM

I would also feel weird. Sounds like he can dish things out but can't take it! Hmm? This "subject to discovery" statement by him really makes me wonder what is going on with him.

But, just to answer your question. I don't know that I recall speaking to anyone whom I have dated about how much money they have made or what I had made. It just wasn't something that was part of the conversations unless one of us needed to help the other some financially. I think that when two people decide that they are wanting to become permanent partners and then share in the financial responsibility of the things that they might jointly own, then that would be the time when how much one makes should come into the conversations.

Just my opinion.

thereisno4evr · Nov 28, 2007, 12:39 AM

He is probably emabarresed about how much money he makes, I would not worry about it at this stage of your relationship.

450donn · Nov 28, 2007, 08:18 AM

To me it sounds like he is either embarrassed or does not want you to know for some reason? Not really sure why the issue of money is so important to you in a relationship anyhow. I don't think I ever discussed with my wife of 41 years before marriage how much I made.

asking · Nov 28, 2007, 09:51 AM

Okay. I understand those who are saying it's basically none of my business. I think that's fair. So I think I will just stop telling him anything. Part of it has been my openness and partly his saying he wants to help me. Since he gives financial advice in his work, he tells me he needs to know this, this, and this. He's constantly asking to see my papers, tax returns, bank statements, you name it. Sometimes I "forget" to give them to him because it feels so intrusive. I don't think he needs to know so much detail. And when I do give him stuff, nothing ever comes of it in terms of advice.

I don't know if he is better off than his beat up car suggests or poorer than his spending habits suggest (it could easily be either), and I don't really care. It's his secretiveness (especially compared to his inquisitiveness about my own situation) that I care about, not some dollar amount. He didn't file a tax return for several years and hid that from his wife. He paid the taxes, but didn't file returns. She could easily have done the taxes herself, but he wouldn't let her do them. So I guess I'm not the only one he doesn't share financial information with--the government, his wife, and apparently someone he's worried will ask me questions under oath...

450donn · Nov 28, 2007, 11:00 AM

WHOA!
You are giving him access to ALL your records? To a guy that is not willing to share his information with you? WOW are you opening yourself up to identity theft big time! STOP sharing this sort of information with anyone except your husband. You might want to get a credit report right away to see if he has done any harm to your credit rating or has opened any credit cards in your name. Then run as fast as you can away from him and his games. This smells like disaster waiting to happen

asking · Nov 28, 2007, 11:25 AM

I have pretty much let him see everything. I don't think he's that kind of scammer though. He does estate planning and has access to way more stuff than just my records. If he wanted to do something illegal, he could cheat his clients. Thanks for your concern, seriously. He just called to apologize for being "out of line" last night. He says he has "issues" about money, that he's never making enough, never working hard enough... It helps me to get feedback here. I have a better sense of what's reasonable.

mjl · Nov 28, 2007, 04:23 PM

I just want to know why finances are such a big deal. Not that I think what you guys said is wrong or anything, I'm just a bit confused that's all. I've never herd of withholding your money info. When I dated my husband we had no problem telling each other how much we make. I know how much money my family and friend make. Its not an issue to me.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 28, 2007, 05:33 PM

I am sorry, he is sounding more like a con man than a good choice of a boyfriend, Do you know really where he works, have you been to his office, a surprise lunch date?

Have you been to his home ( if he lives in a 1 million home or a 400 dollar a month apartment will tell you a lot ( sometimes)

But heavens no, how long have you dated ? To be honest my wife when we got married, did not know my exact income. Not that I would not have told her,

But I think you should change all of your bank accounts, and where you have your nomey, this sounds way to fishy and wrong.

asking · Nov 29, 2007, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by mjl

I just want to know why finances are such a big deal. Not that I think what you guys said is wrong or anything, I'm just a bit confused thats all. I've never herd of withholding your money info. When I dated my husband we had no problem telling each other how much we make. I know how much money my family and friend make. Its not an issue to me.

MJL, It's not normally an issue for me either, which is why I was so open. But a lot of people feel that you should never tell anybody anything about your income, the value of anything you own, etc. They think it's really rude to ever talk about money. Asking other people questions about it is even worse.

Obviously, people talk about money all the time in the business world, at work. But basically at home or socially, it's often taboo. Maybe it's a holdover from when women weren't supposed to think or know about money? I don't know.

Here's a discussion of the etiquette of talking about money.

Q: Most people are uncomfortable or embarrassed when the talk turns to money.

Post: Yes. Some people like to talk about money all the time and brag about how much money they have, and especially in the social world, that turns a lot of people off. I think it's really important to choose your subject wisely. It used to be totally taboo to discuss money, religion or politics, but these days, in some cases, it's OK to discuss these things. In religion and politics, if things get heated, you want to be able to say, "Let's agree to disagree." But when it comes to money, if somebody just wants to brag to impress other people, I would say most people don't want to hear about it.

<http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/SavingandDebt/P122880.asp>

asking · Nov 29, 2007, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I am sorry, he is sounding more like a con man than a good choice of a boyfriend, Do you know really where he works, have you been to his office, a surprise lunch date??

... I think you should change all of your bank accounts, and where you have your nomey, this sounds way to fishy and wrong.

Thanks, Fr. Chuck. I'll keep your warnings in mind. But I have seen his office (and it was a surprise :) ) and his home (just a normal middle class home, nice kids) and I have even met some of his clients. I even met his ex wife. He's for real in terms of his business at least.

It IS weird that he got so upset about my question, but I think it was because he was feeling inadequate... He feels that he hasn't accomplished as much in his life as he should have. He went to Ivy league schools but his accomplishments have been quite modest. I don't care, but he does. His father told him he would be a loser. I hate that he doesn't tell me he's feeling edgy and angry, just acts all cheerful and then I say the "wrong thing" and suddenly he blows up at me. So not a criminal, but yes has problems...
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Fr_Chuck · Nov 29, 2007, 02:52 PM

I will give some people are strange about their money, He may be very over protective, maybe his ex wife took him for a lot of his money and so on

angel0772001 · Nov 29, 2007, 02:59 PM

I was up front with my fiancé with my finances and he wasn't but now we are moving in and my money is his and his is mine so now we have finally shared how much we make. Its honestly a big deal but it seems as if he really is hiding something. Money is not that big of a deal.

asking · Nov 29, 2007, 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

maybe his ex wife took him for alot of his money and so on

He says she hasn't, and that they get along fine.

angel0772001 · Nov 29, 2007, 03:40 PM

Its not really that he changed its just that money is not that big of a deal. I know that he does have a little bit of a trust issued and now that we are getting married he knows that I'm here for the long haul. Maybe he has trust issues or its just not the right time for you to be exchanging financial information just yet.