[Wildcat21]

Dude - don't everything she asks... these are tests - you're going to fail if do everything she wants.

I'd have her pick you up though. Don't make a big deal about though - just say thanks you you get home - then go from there.

[mikeyt555]

It's funny that a few of you commented on me perhaps being too good to be true. It's only now that I remember a conversation we had a long time ago and this may be the kicker. Things were at a peak and she all of a sudden asked me if I thought people changed over time. I said, yes to a certain degree. Slightly is normal. But I also said if there were a huge change in them it's because they weren't who they were projecting themselves to be in the first place. I then though she meant herself, maybe she wan't being true to me and was trying to see how I'd react. So I asked her, why, do you think you're going to change that much over time. She replied an assuredly, no. I'm thinking now, maybe she was querrying me and trying to see if there were different colors to me. Maybe this ex of hers was Mr. Perfect. She did say she thought he was the guy she would spend the rest of her life with.

I think it's all falling into place now, this makes perfect sense. I really think this may be the issue now that I remember all those words.

When we have this upcoming conversation I promised my friend who's a therapist to not be heavy on her and I won't. She said don't remind her of all the nice things she said to you, it's not a court case and you won't prove anything to her. Instead support her and tell her that you'll be there for her as a true friend for whatever her needs are.

But does anyone see anything wrong in me asking her that due to the fact she thought she would spend the rest of her life with her ex and he cheated on her, when she asked me if people changed over time, was she trying to see if I'd fall in the same trap. I don't think this is too personal because the original question was aimed at me. I really think she was trying to figure me out and maybe thought I may end up doing the same as her ex because he may have projected that Mr.Perfect image at first. I think if I say it in a way that I ask her, remember one day you asked me if I thought people changed over time? Were you asking me because you thought I would end up hurting you down the road in a way that may involve infidelity? I think this is a fair question for me to ask. I need to get something out of our meeting. I can't just say yeah, great times girl, great kisser, I'm your pal, bye. I have to get a least a tid bit out of it and I think this matter would not put her on the ropes and at least remove any doubt she has of me if I were to explain it sincerely. I don't think this would weigh her down, it's the opposite, I think it may alleviate her a little.

[nymphetamine]

Well I think you may have something there. :D

[talaniman]

It's funny that a few of you commented on me perhaps being too good to be true. It's only now that I remember a conversation we had a long time ago and this may be the kicker. Things were at a peak and she all of a sudden asked me if I thought people changed over time. I said, yes to a certain degree. Slightly is normal. But I also said if there were a huge change in them it's because they weren't who they were projecting themselves to be in the first place. I then though she meant herself, maybe she wan't being true to me and was trying to see how I'd react. So I asked her, why, do you think you're going to change that much over time. She replied an assuredly, no. I'm thinking now, maybe she was querrying me and trying to see if there were different colors to me. Maybe this ex of hers was Mr. Perfect. She did say she thought he was the guy she would spend the rest of her life with.

I think it's all falling into place now, this makes perfect sense. I really think this may be the issue now that I remember all those words.

When we have this upcoming conversation I promised my friend who's a therapist to not be heavy on her and I won't. She said don't remind her of all the nice things she said to you, it's not a court case and you won't prove anything to her. Instead support her and tell her that you'll be there for her as a true friend for whatever her needs are.

But does anyone see anything wrong in me asking her that due to the fact she thought she would spend the rest of her life with her ex and he cheated on her, when she asked me if people changed over time, was she trying to see if I'd fall in the same trap. I don't think this is too personal because the original question was aimed at me. I really think she was trying to figure me out and maybe thought I may end up doing the same as her ex because he may have projected that Mr.Perfect image at first. I think if I say it in a way that I ask her, remember one day you asked me if I thought people changed over time? Were you asking me because you thought I would end up hurting you down the road in a way that may involve infidelity? I think this is a fair question for me to ask. I need to get something out of our meeting. I can't just say yeah, great times girl, great kisser, I'm your pal, bye. I have to get a least a tid bit out of it and I think this matter would not put her on the ropes and at least remove any doubt she has of me if I were to explain it sincerely. I don't think this would weigh her down, it's the opposite, I think it may alleviate her a little.

Did you ever think that your thinking too much?Try relaxing and taking it as it comes before you go crazy trying to figure this female out! :cool:

[mikeyt555]

Yeah I am going crazy trying to figure her out. If you knew me as a person or a friend you'd understand that this person is truly the most distinguished woman I have ever met in my 37 years on this planet. I really don't want to lose her and everybody's comments have all been positive and constructive. I'm amazed at how nice and sincere everbody has been.

I don't just date any girl. I do have a decent amount that are interested. I'm a very good looking guy with a great career and a lot going on for him, but I don't date just any pretty face. The inner beauty has to be there for me to connect. And this is why she is so damn important to me. She's very pretty but despite her inner issues right now, she has shown me an amazing side to her when she let her guard down. SHe has said the sweetest and sincerest things to me, she has kissed me like no other girl has ever kissed and she is just truly amazing. My biggest fears are that since it took 37 years to get to this, who the hell would want to lose it.

She definitely wants to start a family and soon and since we live in a very small town and the market, if you want to call it, for dating and meeting your soulmate is very limited. I'm really hoping all this will sink in eventually and bring us together again. All I can keep telling myself is that I remember not wanting to be around someone when I asked for time, and so far she has doggie sat for me, taken care of my care while I'm away, text messaged me for half the day today, yesterday and the day before and it even bordered on flirting at times. All the messages have been sweet about making sure I travel safe, stay warm because I'm in a cold area, get some sleep and so on. Plus tomorrow, the fact that she would have to leave work from all the way across town to come get me outside of her work schedule... not sure, don't want to read into it but it's either the guilt thing and she's trying to make it up to me in a friendly way or she's coming around inher way. I thought maybe she liked doing all this for me because I can do so much for her, it may make her feel like I need her for things. I think sometimes she may have felt I have so much available to me that she may not be able to contribute in a way that would matter to me, and that's not the case at all. That may be something I need to tell her, that her support is just as important to me and that I too need someone to depend on despite what may seem like I need no one's help.

[Wildcat21]

The only thing you need to do is tell her to STOP talking about her old boy friend - YOU DON'T CARE!! TELL HER IT'S BORING!!

And truthfully - YOU DON'T CARE!! It's insecure to care and TALK about her old boyfriends.

AND... the more you talk about them the more she thinks about them.

So STOP that - keep that crap in the past and it will stay in the past.

[talaniman]

She cares OK!Move in and start dazzzling her with your mature sparkling coversation make her laugh without being goofy and above all stay with the future not the past,no heavy or sad stuff,go slow take your time this is not rocket science ,just be a man not a wuss.don't crowd her and maintian your personal life so you have something to bring her into.(hobbies friends places etc.. ) actually this should be an enjoyable part of the dating game if you don't scare her off with the gloom and doom stuff,let her know you slowly that mystery and intigue gets 'em, not the tell all blabber mouth so leave a little for next time.Good luck and quite trying to analyze everything :cool:

[mikeyt555]

Today I flew back, she had offered to pick me up when we texted yesterday. Today she said she'd look into it. Then she replied she couldn't. During my first leg of my trip she re-responded and said she'd come get me at the airport. It was out of her way and schedule but she did it. She was nice, upbeat, pleasant. No kisses or anything but that's OK, we still haven't had out chat. She talked to me about her family issues and I listened attentively not being over analytical but also offering some innocent advice. It was nice. She then told me she will more than likely move back with her parents for support as her dad may pass at any time. She said she didn't really want to but she thinks she may feel very guilty if she doesn't and he passes.

So after dropping me off at home we texted a lot more, joking about her taking care of my dog and so on. She said she was careful at my place just in case I was tape recording her conversations with my dog, jokingly of course. I told her I heard all the bad stuff she said about me, jokingly and she replied "Wrong tape!" Meaning she has only good things to say. I let it go there, didn't respond for a few hours. Then I sent her a text thanking her for everything, the dog sitting, picking me up and so on as it was a lot to do. I texted her saying maybe sometime I could pick up the tab for all she did. I also wrote "and let me make this clear, this isn't a date invitation...ok!". The reason I wrote that is a few weeks back she texted me asking me toask her out and I said I didn't think she was ready, specially since all the cancellations due to her uneasyness in the past. So after a couple of days I asked her out, she accepted in a sweet way, butr 2 days later was when she asked for time. So it never happened. Well after this recent note of "not a date invitation" she responded "it wouldn't be a big deal if it were...but I understand" So does that mean she wants to be asked. Is she saying she understands that I will never ask her out because I got rejected after being set up? What do I do now guys??

[Wildcat21]

Dude - welcome to the wonderful world of TESTS!! She is testing you to see how you react to her moodiness, badness, canceling a date, saying she would pick you up and then not and then finally coming top get you.

A lot of times when woman cancel things or - I've by saying - "Ok Bye" and then WALK away... 99% of the time the will call you in about 5 minutes.

See you come across as not caring and indifferent and they can't handle that.

I think you are a little too carting here. The person who cares the least has ALL the control - believe me. Your interest level should ALWAYS come across as lower than hers.

I think you've failed a couple and passed a couple - that was good when you turned down her date.

[mikeyt555]

As the day went on I ignored her texts. I then sent her a very short one about an hour after her last one. She replied but I left it at that. I was home and later in the evening she called me and asked me what I was doing, if I was going to the pub. I told her I had just got back. I could sense she wanted some company inher voice soI asked her " what did you have in mind". She asked if I'd go back with her. She also said "all the guys just saw youleft and now they'll see you come back with me" She pondered it and then said "I don't care what they think". She asked me if I told our friends that she watched my dog because originally I had asked someone else, but when she offered I accepted her's because she lives closer and our dogs are friends. So she asked me if I told our friends and I said I told them a friend watcxhed my dog. I asked her if she was offended and she said yes a little. I could tell she was a little hurt that I wasn't proud enough to tell the guys. So I told her "I'm sorry but in the past our friends got so involved in trying to play match maker taht I didn't want them tostart again because they knew we were taking time apart and now all of a suddewn you're watching my dog ands we're in the pub together but we are only friends". She understood.

In the pub we had some light conversation about the relationship and what went on. She said she wanted time because she didn't want to drag me into her life with all her problems with her dad. I wanted to say don't make those decisions for me, I'm a grown man, but I let it go. I simplytold her I cared about her, I'm her best friend and support her decisions and that I willalkways be there for her even if all she needs is a pair of ears tolisten to her. She started tearing up na dI left it at that. Later we went to another pub as a group and had a couple of drinks and ate and I left before everyone else. I figured I didn't want her to think I was staying there just because she was there.

But the best thing was that she called me out of the blue yesterday to go have a drink. She asked about the gift I bought her while I was away and was excited about it.

She has confirmed she will move home to take care of her dad. They live 15 minutes away, no biggie. But she did say she felt her life was going to be over during this period. All I can hope is that she'll get cabin fever and want to do things.

I don't know what to do next, I guess I won't call her or text her. What do you guys think. Do I sit back and wait a little. She did kind of insinuate that if I aske dher out it wouldn't be a big deal, but her pannick attacks have led toso many cancellations that I'm afraid to ask. One thing for sure, she assured me there's nobody else on the side and it was written inher eyes and face, trust me she's not lying. This family stuff is really getting her down. All I hope is that when it's over she'll remember me and what we had and want to pick up where we left off. She did tear up in the pub when I was being supportive and I don't think any other guyhas been as sincxere with her as I have. She has even stated that.

[talaniman]

I think your progressing nicely.Of course her family life takes a lot of her emotions now and may leave her a bit needy every now and then.It is really obvious she needs a friend,and you have stepped up to fill this void pretty well.I think you should continue along those lines ,but beware of the trap of mistaking gratefullness as a sign of true love.No matter what though don't put yourself in the position of her making a choice about you just yet, as I suspect she gets more stable in her life her feelings will show even more,one way or the other. Be patient, be a friend but keep a safe distance for your own protection.Stay positive and good luck(yes you are being tested) :cool:

[mikeyt555]

Being a friend is obviously working because we have established contact once again which is good. It may not be as much as I'd like or the way I'd like it but like I've said in the past, I know personally when I've asked for time and space it really meant "Adios amigo" yet she is actually re-communicating and doing things out of her way for me.

Distance I think is good. If I stay too close as a "friend" that may only ever evolve into the "best guy friend I have" syndrome. Whereas, if I'm a friend but not always there, I think there remains that bit of "I miss him when I see him" effect. Too close as a friend - no good. Friend that I really cherrish but see occasionally - good! I think!!

I think from now on I will only establish contact once for every 2 or 3 she does. I'll keep it short as I usually do, just a "how's things?" text and that's it.

But yesterday was proof that she has something there. Just the fact that she sat there speechless smiling when I told her how I'd be there and support her as her eyes welled up. I don't know, maybe I misread that one too but she definitely went from that conversation to being excited about the gift I got her. I think if that was too overbearing, the last thing she'd be doing is trying to get together for this gift related to objects she collects. Specially since she's not a materialistic person.

[talaniman]

You do look deeply into things don't you?My only worry for you is after you've invested all this time and emotion she may not see you as a romantic interest.Are you emotionally prepared for this rejection? :cool:

[mikeyt555]

I'm semi prepared. To be honest the time and distance is getting a little better as far as my feelings being hurt is concerned. I have great days where I actually contemplte dating other girls which is something a few weeks ago I wouldn't even consider. Ideally no, I don't want anyone else but you have to force yourself to look elsewhere only to get by this person.

I understand your statement, but I can see the glare is still there between us and yesterday told me a lot. With her going out of her way and everything and the great conversations we've had and the way we still look at each other. I won't dream but I'll stay positive. I'm a strong believer in the power of positive thinking, but again I will be realistic.

My therapistr friend suggested I have a sit down with her and explain that I understand everything and that it's OK for us to see other people. At first I thought it was a good idea, but two things bother me with that. One is that she may think, despite her tests, that maybe I'm not that keen on her. But that one aside I think that may come off as a more subtle version of the jealousy game of bringing a new girl around the pub.

I honestly think if we don't work through this it may end up being a case of her trying other relationships and finding out how much others a real jerks or that she misses the way I used to treat her. Who knows. Maybe she has to go elsewhere to miss me. Or maybe it's just not meant to be, but I'll stay positive until the very end.

[talaniman]

:) Sounds like a very healthy atitude, good luck! :cool:

[mikeyt555]

I'mnot expecting her to text or call today. Sunday's she normally spends with her family and it drains her withher dad's illness. However on occasional Sunday nights I'll send her a short text just asking how she's doing. I don't think I will this weekend as we saw each other a little more than usual.

But since we haven't really had the heart to heart conversation she wanted to have when should I bring it up. I have a feeling if I let her dictate it, it may drift away which probably is not a good meaning. And if we aren't meant to be then I think I at least deserve an explanation on what happened as opposed to me waiting right now so as to not push the issue and ruin any chance if possible. If I wait and there's no discussion my feeling is it's over for sure. If I push for the conversation it might push her away. What do I do. Wait a little.

And finally someone please tell me when a girl says that they are perfectly in tune with you and everything you do together why would you not want to be together.

[talaniman]

Don't be selfish now!Until she can see daylight with her family problems I would back-off from any self serving conversations.Just be a loyal friend and confidant right now and see what happens. :cool:

[mikeyt555]

I know what you are saying makes sense. I guess all I can do is look at myself in the past and I think we've all looked back at past relationships when we were out of them and then called or made innocent contact. It's just so damn confusing how someone can say so many nice things and be so in tune with you and overnight have a pannick attack.

Apparently she told a friend that the fact that I had bought a case of her favorite wine kind of freaked her out. My friend said "If my guy bought a case of my favorite wine, I'd be thrilled, it shows he cares".

In the end I'm thinking if someone has issues as crazy as pannicking over a case of wine, they either have serious problems or really don't cherrish how someone thinks of them.

She has been in a lot of relationships with boys and I told her that. I also told her for the first time she was with a man. She agreed. The problem is she's at the age where she wants what a woman can only get from a man, responsibility, security, a great home, marriage and kids and thoughts about security with investments and so on, but her mind seems to still be in boy mode.

[Wildcat21]

Dude - here's YOUR problem. You have 'nice guy' symdrom. No woman wants a 'nice guy'.

Women DON'T want a guy who does everything for them. THEY DON'T want a guy who always agrees with them, gives in, MAKES THE WOMAN choose everything.

Nice guys a walked over by woman. A case of wine is WAY too much - it's OK to buy things once in a while for a woman early on.

SEE -you keep trying to IMPRESS her - woman hate that. Just be a fun guy who makes her laugh. And let her pay for things.

Unfortunately you are NOT a man. 'Nice Guys' are insecure and needy of woman... just like ALL your posts. It's NOT her - IT'S YOU!!

Please, please go to some of these websites and learn what real MEN do:

www.askmen.com - READ Dr. Love - he WILL set you straight.
www.sosuave.com
www.relationships.blog-city.com - and LEARN about nice guys. It's going to freak you out.

www.doubleyourdating.com - I highly recommend reading David Deangelos book - you WILL get ALL your ansers there

BUT YOU have to change!! You!!

Your posts here are even kind of repulsive.

Woman DON'T want you contacting them 5 times a day. They don't want you always being available to them.

Woman want men who have great jobs, school, many friends, workout, family is important, hobbies etc. - woman are part of YOUR LIFE NOT YOUR LIFE!!

It appears you put this woman on a pedestal and that's repulsive to them. A woman should EARN the chance to be your equal. You should never put up with ANY of their crap - I am sure you always gave in.

Woman WANT mystery - they don't want some goofy 'nice guy' who TOTALLY SURRENDERS TO THEM RIGHT AWAY. 'People WANT what they can't have' - she has you too much.

Woman don't want the guy who says 'I GAVE HER EVERYHTING, I WAS SO NICE TO HER'

Dating takes TIME - sounds like you put WAY too much pressure on this gal - she wants a fun guy... not Mr. Psycho I awant to marry you after 2 months - 2 month is nothing.

"really don't cherrish how someone thinks of them." - YUCK!!

It's time for a change my - 'nice guys' do finish LAST!!

[talaniman]

At least you know what your in for.She may need more help than you can give,or she doesn't deserve your love,that is why you should stay far enough away to see the fact as they reveal themselves and they will,and protect yourself if you find she will disapoint you.To tell the truth I would have already moved on and just given her a shoulder to cry on,she just doesn't seem like the kind of girl I would pin my future on,but that's just me.good luck! :cool: