[AdvShop]

My five year old daughter went over to my sister's house to play with her six year old cousin (boy); her cousin also has a big brother (11). Upon returning home my daughter told me that her big cousin had "touched her in her privates." She said she was playing in his room and he placed his hand below her underwear and touched her; she told him not to do that because it hurt (she also happened to have a yeast infection which made her more sensitive), at which point he stopped. Her cousin then asked her not to tell anyone.

My questions are as follows: my daughter is probably too young to have fully understood what happened. I thanked her for confiding on me and assured her that telling me about the incident was the right thing to do. I want to avoid discussing this matter any further so as to not permanently scare her/create a long lasting memory, though I've continued to reassure her that her cousin's behavior was inappropriate and that she should always talk reach out to me if anyone ever touches her in her privates. Is this the right way I should handle this matter with her (she just turned five)??

The second issue is related to my nephew. I need to protect my daughter (and others) from this ever happening again. I am considering speaking to him today (this happened less than 24 hrs ago), telling him how his behavior was inappropriate, and scare him about consequences should there ever be a re-offense. I don't want to traumatize him for life, but he needs to be spoken to in a direct, serious manner. I know he is a good boy that just made a dumb mistake (was not thinking straight), so I want to help him understand the gravity of his actions so that he doesn't EVER do this again to anyone? Is this the right approach??

[shygrneyzs]

No. I would call Social Services about this. This boy is 11 years old and old enough to know it is not right. What prompted him to do this to your daughter? What has happened to him - has someone molested him? Did he touch her while the other cousin was in the room?

If you go over to your sister's home - do not just talk to him. Talk to your sister - she needs to know what is going on. You talk to her first and then you two can talk to her son. If you go this route and do not call Social Services, that boy needs to get into counseling. Do not ever allow your daughter in his presence without adult supervision.

How does your five year old daughter come to have a yeast infection?

[Fr_Chuck]

I would see about getting the child professional counseling if needed.

The 11 year old does need to have his actions dealt with seriously. There are cases of 11 and yhounger raping smaller children, so this shows behavior that needs to be addressed.

1. Report this to the boys parents
2. never let you child there again alone
3. the boy needs to be in counseling though either DFS or private at least

[AdvShop]

In reply to FR_Chuck: Thank you for your prompt response. I concur with points #2 and #3. Your first suggestion (Report this to the boys parents), is a difficult one. One issue is that this is my sister, she is family, and I am concerned about how disruptive this incident will be in everyone's lives and how it may materially affect the relationship throughout the family. This is also an extremely private matter, I would like to minimize discussing this with more people than necessary; pretty soon this will be a discussion topic with my parents, other brothers, etc, etc. But the most troubling aspect is that I am deeply concerned at my sister's potential reaction. Most certainly she will "flip out" on my nephew; may even ask him to move out of the house to his grandparents, etc, etc. I want to avoid she reacting in an irrational matter and hurting this boy's life beyond repair. So, again, my question goes back to the initial point: Is there anything else I could/should do to resolve this matter WITHOUT involving the parents?? (advice #3 may be hard to do without involving the parents, I understand).

In response to shygrneyzs: the fact that my daughter had an yeast infection is beside the point; these infections happen, regardless of age, so I don't need to further elaborate on this point. Social Services seems a bit extreme, but the suggestion on professional counseling is valid. I am still trying to figure out if there is a way to address this matter with the boy alone, without involving the parents, as I am concerned about their rash reaction on my nephew. Any suggestions??

[Wondergirl]

I don't see how you can talk with the boy and not involve his parents, especially since he needs counseling. At that age, hormones are churning and a lot of experimentation goes on. He may be hearing or seeing things that he shouldn't, things that stimulate his blossoming libido. He may have done this with other little girls. As someone suggested, he may be a victim of sexual abuse himself. All this needs to be explored.

Talking about this calmly with your sister seems the logical next step. She and her husband will certainly be part of the boy's counseling.

[NowWhat]

Okay, you NEED to talk to his parents. What if your daughter is not the first this has happened to? What if this is becoming a pattern? You just don't know, because if you did suspect this kind of thing, would you have sent your daughter over there? No.
So, you have a responsibility to handle this. Talk to your sister.
As a parent, wouldn't you want to know if your child had done something like this?

Tramatizing this boy? What about what he did to YOUR daughter? Kids remember things like this. If you do nothing, it will send a message to your daughter that you don't care enough to stand up for her. (Not trying to be harsh, but I know a little about this)


**As far as the yeast infection, kids can get them too- If they are on antibotics, just like us grown ups.**

[ScottGem]

Up to this point you have handling things correctly. Now don't mess it up. You do NOT talk directly to the boy, no way no how! Its hard to tell whether the boy was just being curious or there are more serious issues, but its up to HIS parents to handle it, So you sit down with your sister and tell her you have a serious issue to discuss. Tell her what happened as matter of factly as you can. Explain to her that your concern is to nip this beahavior in the bud because you care about your nephew's future.

I think calling social services is a drastic step at this point.

[jillianleab]

I don't think talking to the boy directly is the most responsible thing to do. I think this is something in which you need to speak to his parents. Of course it's a sensitive subject, but they need to know their son is doing such things. I don't say that because they need to punish him, but because they need to talk to him and see what is going on in his life that made him do such a thing.

Approach your sister alone (or with her husband) and tell her something happened between the kids that has you worried. Stay calm and explain what happened. Tell her you spoke to your daughter and she seems OK (it sounded that way in your post) but you are worried about your nephew and why he would do such a thing. Explain you aren't angry (even if you are), but you are concerned; for him, for your daughter and for other children this might have happened to. If possible be there when the parents talk to the boy. Let him tell his side of the story; I don't think your daughter is lying, but it's important to let him explain his actions. He needs to be reminded this is inappropriate touching and he should not touch someone in that way. Then the million dollar question needs to be asked - is someone doing this to him? Where did he get he idea to do it? Maybe his parents will get him into some counseling services after this talk.

In the future keep your eye on your daughter when she's playing with him. If they go off to his room or her room to play, that's fine (once you and she are comfortable with that), but check in on them frequently.

The important thing to remember is that the boy is still a child; yes he's more grown up than your daughter, but he's still only 11 and is still learning boundaries. He's also probably experiencing new sexualized feelings and might be having difficulty knowing what to do with them. You need to be careful and not label him as a monster at this young age; THAT will scar him and follow him for life.