[Emm Lura]

Well I don't even really know where to begin. I should start by letting everyone know first hand that I am bipolar. Plain and simple, I'm on medication for it but it hasn't taken it's full effect yet.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I really do. We recently got an apartment together and it has put a lot of stress on both of us. He's 25 and this is his first time moving out of his parent's house. I'm 20 and I've been on my own since I was 17. Paying my own bills, living alone, working two jobs, cooking, cleaning, the whole works. I don't have a lot of family and as far as I'm concerned, he is my only family. None of my family have ever been there for me. My mother being an alcoholic and a crack addict, I grew up in an abusive home (mentally and physically). My father was never there either because for the longest time he didn't believe I was his daughter. (My mother was cheating on her husband with my dad and I was an accident.)

There have been a lot of things in my past that have made me the person I am today. From the good to the bad my life has been molded by the things I went through as a kid. It made me strong because I've been through so much that most things don't get to me anymore. On the other hand, I've become lonely, and nontrusting. How can you trust someone that claims to love you when every other mouth those words have came from was liars, family, friends, boyfriends.

He has dealt with my disorder very well surprisingly. He knows that I say things I don't mean and that I have no control over the mood swings that I have. Sometimes though we will get in arguments and he will say very hurtful things like "you are f*ed up in the head" or "you're a crazy b***h"

Last night we got in the worst argument of all. He was having some friends over and drinking some alcohol. (He had actually been drinking all day because we went to my sister's house for Thanksgiving and he was nervous.) Well I had to work today so I got done playing cards and went to the room to sleep. I got up about an hour later because they were being so loud. I went out there and asked them politely to be quiet. He responded with "don't tell me what to do. I'm drunk and I'll do whatever the f* I want to do!" So I went to the room and got dressed to leave and stay at a friend's house. When I came out and I was walking out the door he started accusing me of cheating on him and he was telling me to have fun with whatever dude I was staying with tonight.

(He always does this, accuses me of cheating. I've never cheated on him and I never will. I'm better than that. I love him and I don't want to hurt him.)

Well back to last night... After I left, I just went for a ride and came home so I'd clear my head, I saw that they were smoking inside the house. This is the only rule our landlords gave us and he's usually pretty good about respecting that. So I got mad and took the cigarette out of his mouth and broke it in half. Then I poured his drink out. He got really pissed when he saw that I had the bottle of Vodka and that I was going to pour that out as well so he came after me. He tried to rip the liquor from behind my back so I pushed him away. Well, he got it anyway. Then after he poured himself another drink, I took the glass from him and poured it down the drain in the bathroom so he kicked me. He has never even been physical with me at all.

I don't know if I just had that coming or if I don't deserve it. This really hurt me. I love this guy. He's all that I have. The only person on this Earth that remotely cares if I am alive or dead.

Should I just let this go? Should I try and work it out? What he has said and done hurt me so bad that I'm afraid I might not be able to forgive him. Please someone share your thoughts on this.

Thank You so very much.

[JoeCanada76]

Okay, I hope you do not mind if I tell you right up what I am thinking and my opinions.

At the beginning of what you wrote about the way he cursed at you. Red flag number 1. Drinking all day. Flag number 2. Kicked you, Warning. This a@@hole does not care about anybody except for himself. He is a loser and by the sounds of it he does not really truly love you. You trying to be the sober and smart minded one knew that he had enough alcohol, and he kicked you because you tried to get rid of it. I am sorry to say this but you need to get out of there.

Another big FLAG. He is always accusing you of cheating. In my opinion, maybe he is the one that has been cheating on you? Have you ever thought about this, why else would he accuse you all the time when you have been so loyal, right?

You may have bipolar but the picture of your situation and the way you have presented this is exactly what I think about it.

When things get physical, there is emotional abuse towards you, and drinking issues. I think you need to find yourself in a better situation then you are in now.

Forgiveness takes time and healing, but I think what you need to do is figure out what is in your best interests, what is better for you physically and mentally. It is ONLY YOUR DECISION TO MAKE. It needs to be up to you what is best for you but those are my thoughts and I am sure you will get many other responses.

Best wishes to you and hoping for the best.

[Barbid]

Well I don't even really know where to begin. I should start by letting everyone know first hand that I am bipolar. Plain and simple, I'm on medication for it but it hasn't taken it's full effect yet.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I really do. We recently got an apartment together and it has put alot of stress on both of us. He's 25 and this is his first time moving out of his parent's house. I'm 20 and I've been on my own since I was 17. Paying my own bills, living alone, working two jobs, cooking, cleaning, the whole works. I don't have alot of family and as far as I'm concerned, he is my only family. None of my family have ever been there for me. My mother being an alcoholic and a crack addict, I grew up in an abusive home (mentally and physically). My father was never there either because for the longest time he didn't believe I was his daughter. (My mother was cheating on her husband with my dad and I was an accident.)

There have been alot of things in my past that have made me the person I am today. From the good to the bad my life has been molded by the things I went through as a kid. It made me strong because I've been through so much that most things don't get to me anymore. On the other hand, I've become lonely, and nontrusting. How can you trust someone that claims to love you when every other mouth those words have came from was liars, family, friends, boyfriends.

He has dealt with my disorder very well suprisingly. He knows that I say things I don't mean and that I have no control over the mood swings that I have. Sometimes though we will get in arguements and he will say very hurtful things like "you are f*ed up in the head" or "you're a crazy b***h"

Last night we got in the worst arguement of all. He was having some friends over and drinking some alcohol. (He had actually been drinking all day because we went to my sister's house for Thanksgiving and he was nervous.) Well I had to work today so I got done playing cards and went to the room to sleep. I got up about an hour later because they were being so loud. I went out there and asked them politely to be quiet. He responded with "don't tell me what to do. I'm drunk and I'll do whatever the f* I want to do!" So I went to the room and got dressed to leave and stay at a friend's house. When I came out and I was walking out the door he started accusing me of cheating on him and he was telling me to have fun with whatever dude I was staying with tonight.

(He always does this, accuses me of cheating. I've never cheated on him and I never will. I'm better than that. I love him and I don't want to hurt him.)

Well back to last night.... After I left, I just went for a ride and came home so I'd clear my head, I saw that they were smoking inside the house. This is the only rule our landlords gave us and he's usually pretty good about respecting that. So I got mad and took the cigarette out of his mouth and broke it in half. Then I poured his drink out. He got really pissed when he saw that I had the bottle of Vodka and that I was going to pour that out as well so he came after me. He tried to rip the liquor from behind my back so I pushed him away. Well, he got it anyway. Then after he poured himself another drink, I took the glass from him and poured it down the drain in the bathroom so he kicked me. He has never even been physical with me at all.

I don't know if I just had that coming or if I don't deserve it. This really hurt me. I love this guy. He's all that I have. The only person on this Earth that remotely cares if I am alive or dead.

Should I just let this go? Should I try and work it out? What he has said and done hurt me so bad that I'm afraid I might not be able to forgive him. Please someone share your thoughts on this.

Thank You so very much.

First of all,alcohol changes people. They can be nice and then drink and either be happy or mean. You have for the longest time taken care of yourself. When guys are with their friends, they tend to act like tough guys. Let things cool down and see what happens. But if he kicks or hits you again.. kick his butt out!

[simoneaugie]

Unfortunately we tend to recreate our family situations in our adult lives. Your boyfriend has a problem with alcohol. I'm not judging him or you. I used to drink all day every day; it's a disease. Smoking in the apartment is because of the alcohol. Kicking you is because of the alcohol. Being paranoid that you're cheating on him is probably alcohol too. Booze switches intellect for emotion and removes inhibition.

You are working your butt off to be an independent, strong and reliable person. He is not on the same page and is perhaps even using a different book so to speak. Your history is one of aloneness, because of alcohol, drugs and games, none of which you had any control over as a child. You don't want to be alone anymore. I hear you loud and clear. But do you want a similar situation to the one shared by your parents? He might sober up and do some changing, or not. I think you're strong enough to be alone a little longer. Please don't play around about this like he is. It's very serious.

[rpg219]

I agree with Jesushelper and simoneaugie... don't let your history repeat itself. I am very understanding of your situation. It only took me 30 years to figure it out! My parents (both) are alcoholics and also a very long line of ancestors with them. I went through the stage of finding no good guys and alcoholics to date. That has changed now... I am married to someone who doesn't go to bars, may have an occasional drink... but doesn't go overboard. If he starts.. he knows the look and gives it up quick! Point being, you don't have to put yourself through the abuse again. The right man for you is out there... until then... you have us! :) Vent girl, Vent... We are here!

[Emm Lura]

Thank you very much. Your insight means a lot.

[Emm Lura]

Amazing advice! I never looked at it that way but you are definitely correct.

[Emm Lura]

Thank you all so very much. I really didn't think that this many people with be concerned with my relationship problems. It does help to vent here because it isn't to my friends or his friends so there isn't any side taking and there aren't any lies just to keep from hurting my feelings. I can't stand that.

This is very clear to me, I need to think of myself for once. I love him so much though so it will be so hard.

There is one thing I do know and that is that I will not have the same life that my mother did. I will not tolerate an alcoholic or an abusive spouse. I have too much respect for myself for that. And I definitely will not bring children into an unsteady home. I do not want my kids to have the terrible upbringing that I had myself.

Well thank you again so much. This is going to take time and planning seeing as how we just signed a lease together and the utilities are all in my name. Things will work out for me, I know because I am hopeful and there is nothing that I can go through now that can be any worse than the things I endured as a child.

[Homegirl 50]

I wish you well. You get out of this relationship ASAP.

[holeinheart21]

Note: To put this out there before I begin to comment on this situation, I am in no way supportive of physical abuse

I have to say that I cannot wholeheartedly agree with some of the posts on here. This situation needs to be analyzed slightly more than I think it has been.

First of all, some of the replies referred to your boyfriend being an alcoholic, but you never mentioned that he was, nor did you mention anything that would indicate that he was. What was said was that he had been drinking all day, on this particular date. It is not uncharacteristic of even mature adults to do this on holidays and on days off, on occasion... this does not indicate that he is an alcoholic.

Secondly, many of his actions were as a result of being intoxicated. In no way does that justify his actions, but it does further explain the reason for his actions and reactions. He stated that he was "....drunk....and will do whatever the f* I want". The fact that he stated that he was drunk here, shows that he obviously was heavily affected by the alcohol at this point, because generally people do not admit to being drunk, but rather deny it, until they reach a point beyond their own control.

Thirdly, unless you are his mother or guardian, there is no reason for you to take the cigarette out of his mouth. You should have asked him to put the cigarette out before you TOOK IT out of his mouth and snapped it in half. Sure, chances are that considering his state of mind, he most likely wouldn't have done it, but the point was that you were showing respect by showing that you are aware that you can't tell him what to do. The reason for this, is that you now violated the fact that you are NOT his mother or is guardian, but are going to tell him what he can and cannot do. This is actually the initiation of the physical contact right here. Sure, you didn't kick him or hit him, but you did invade his personal space and initiate the physical contact.

Fourthly, to follow that up, you decided to pour his drink out. So, again you invaded his personal space and again you took something that was his and did whatever you wanted with it. So, you kicked him once( figuratively speaking), and now you just kicked him again. But you didn't stop there... then you took his bottle of Vodka, and decided that you were going to pour it out. It doesn't even matter that it was vodka, it could have been diet soda, the point is that you now had him down on the ground and you were just continuing to kick him. But you didn't stop there. When he poured another drink, you AGAIN TOOK IT AND POURED IT DOWN THE TOILET! You were taking HIS things, and doing whatever you wanted to, so you had basically stooped to his drunken level and were acting in the same way. So, he kicked you, which was the same thing that you had just done to him three times. Remember, I DON'T support physical abuse, but he didn't continue to kick you and beat you after that, so although he did make physical contact, you did as well when you took his cigarette and his drink. Its not as though he crossed any lines that you didn't cross.


As far as him saying to have fun with whatever guy you were going to see... that was a response to the small argument you had just had... People say that all the time, and sure, its annoying, and if you were going to have a basis for leaving this guy, the fact that you don't think that he trusts you would probably be it. This indicates that he may have some form of doubts in his mind or he may just have an insecurity and his was of getting that out is by stating that he thinks you are cheating. I would talk to him about that, especially if this is something that he says all the time, because, oddly enough, something as simple as that, could be the reason for many things that occur, even possibly the way he reacted the night of this incident.

People say that you should leave because he kicked you this first time, and you should never stick around to be kicked again, but in this situation, I believe that is jumping to conclusions. You said he is never violent with you, and it must be taken in to account the number of things you did prior to him kicking you. I think that kicking you was a poor choice on his account, and if he had continue to beat you or did this regularly, I would tell you in a heartbeat to get the he! Out... but I think this was just an error on his part, and if you are able to talk it out with him and level with him on the things you both did that night, I think the two of you can be fine.

[Emm Lura]

Note: To put this out there before I begin to comment on this situation, I am in no way supportive of physical abuse

I have to say that I cannot wholeheartedly agree with some of the posts on here. This situation needs to be analyzed slightly more than I think it has been.

First of all, some of the replies referred to your boyfriend being an alcoholic, but you never mentioned that he was, nor did you mention anything that would indicate that he was. What was said was that he had been drinking all day, on this particular date. It is not uncharacteristic of even mature adults to do this on holidays and on days off, on occasion.....this does not indicate that he is an alcoholic.

Secondly, many of his actions were as a result of being intoxicated. In no way does that justify his actions, but it does further explain the reason for his actions and reactions. He stated that he was "....drunk....and will do whatever the f* I want". The fact that he stated that he was drunk here, shows that he obviously was heavily affected by the alcohol at this point, because generally people do not admit to being drunk, but rather deny it, until they reach a point beyond their own control.

Thirdly, unless you are his mother or guardian, there is no reason for you to take the cigarette out of his mouth. You should have asked him to put the cigarette out before you TOOK IT out of his mouth and snapped it in half. Sure, chances are that considering his state of mind, he most likely wouldn't have done it, but the point was that you were showing respect by showing that you are aware that you can't tell him what to do. The reason for this, is that you now violated the fact that you are NOT his mother or is guardian, but are going to tell him what he can and cannot do. This is actually the initiation of the physical contact right here. Sure, you didn't kick him or hit him, but you did invade his personal space and and initiate the physical contact.

Fourthly, to follow that up, you decided to pour his drink out. So, again you invaded his personal space and again you took something that was his and did whatever you wanted with it. So, you kicked him once( figuratively speaking), and now you just kicked him again. But you didn't stop there...... then you took his bottle of Vodka, and decided that you were going to pour it out. It doesn't even matter that it was vodka, it could have been diet soda, the point is that you now had him down on the ground and you were just continuing to kick him. But you didn't stop there. When he poured another drink, you AGAIN TOOK IT AND POURED IT DOWN THE TOILET! You were taking HIS things, and doing whatever you wanted to, so you had basically stooped to his drunken level and were acting in the same way. So, he kicked you, which was the exact same thing that you had just done to him three times. Remember, I DON'T support physical abuse, but he didn't continue to kick you and beat you after that, so although he did make physical contact, you did as well when you took his cigarette and his drink. Its not as though he crossed any lines that you didn't cross.


As far as him saying to have fun with whatever guy you were going to see.....that was a response to the small argument you had just had.....People say that all the time, and sure, its annoying, and if you were going to have a basis for leaving this guy, the fact that you don't think that he trusts you would probably be it. This indicates that he may have some form of doubts in his mind or he may just have an insecurity and his was of getting that out is by stating that he thinks you are cheating. I would talk to him about that, especially if this is something that he says all the time, because, oddly enough, something as simple as that, could be the reason for many things that occur, even possibly the way he reacted the night of this incident.

People say that you should leave because he kicked you this first time, and you should never stick around to be kicked again, but in this situation, I believe that is jumping to conclusions. You said he is never violent with you, and it must be taken in to account the number of things you did prior to him kicking you. I think that kicking you was a poor choice on his account, and if he had continue to beat you or did this regularly, I would tell you in a heartbeat to get the he!! out.......but I think this was just an error on his part, and if you are able to talk it out with him and level with him on the things you both did that night, I think the two of you can be fine.

And this is the reason I came here to ask instead of to a friend. Thank you and thank you again.

I did push his buttons. Over and over and over again. I was in the wrong but I don't deserve to be kicked. Yeah, I took his cigarette and crumpled it up. I agree that it was wrong of me to do. I DID invade his space, although I did ask him to take it outside. He also invaded my space as well. I moved out of my apartment that was my little safe haven where I was comfortable with him urging me to do it. He said that he would be respectful of me if he had company. That was the agreement. After asking him several times to keep it down POLITLELY he still disrespected me and my personal space. And yes I poured out two of his drinks. I never wanted it to seem like I was the "good guy" in this situation.

The point is, I didn't physical abuse him and I wouldn't ever. Now I do really and truly think he'll do it again? I honestly don't. I'm kind of afraid to stick around and see but I love him and I can try and talk to him about it. It's not like he punched me in the face like my ex used to do.

In the bottom of my heart I believe that he loves me and I want to continue to believe that so I will make the first step to apologizing and get this back on track.

As far as the trust issues go, there are definitely problems there that need to be resolved. I shouldn't be accused of cheating, ever. Drunk or sober. He does this all the time not just when he is drunk. I've never done anything to even make him have reason to believe that I would cheat. I don't go out to clubs or to the bar. I don't talk to guys on the phone. I don't talk to them on myspace. I ALWAYS answer his phone calls which is a lot more than I can say for him. This just has to stop. It's driving me away.

Thank you holeinheart21 for telling me like it is and thank you all for being so concerned. I will keep everyone updated.

[Xrayman]

Piss him off out of there.

[talaniman]

Never listen to what a drunks says,
Never excuse his actions,
Never try to talk to a drunk. He can't hear you.
Never confront a drunk, unless you have plenty of back-up.
Never be surprised if he makes an a$$ of himself, or hurts someone.