Check out some similar questions!

Bassdrop · Nov 21, 2007, 04:20 PM

Hi everyone,

It's been two and a half weeks since the love of my life broke up with me and things aren't getting any easier... if anything, they're getting harder and harder as my hopes for reconciliation dwindle. We were together for 3 years and lived together for 2.5 of them. I'm 25 (she's 33) and this is by far the longest & most serious relationship I've ever been in. I love her to death and it's killing me that she's leaving. She's leaving the city either at the end of this month or next month so we're still living together in the meantime, making 'No Contact' impossible. I spend most of my time crying and being otherwise pathetic, begging her to stay, sending flowers to her work, etc. Punched myself in the head a bunch of times a couple weekends ago out of frustration and anger with myself for messing things up... not too bright, I know, I managed to give myself a pair of black eyes and likely a concussion, but it did make me feel better momentarily.

Anyway, I basically took her for granted... she was vocal with me about various problems in our relationship but I didn't put forth much of an effort, selfishly/foolishly thinking I had lots of time to work these things out. Long story short (well, not really... sorry), she broke up with me, saying that we've grown apart and want different things out of life... she kept asking me to marry her over the past year, which scared the hell out of me at the time and I kept saying I wasn't ready and pushed her away. Now it's too late... I've been trying to be all the things I wasn't, to show her I'm genuinely committed to making things work now, but she says it's too late and she's got to go. I'd marry her in a second now, she's such an amazing girl. She's the only one who I've ever felt I could truly trust and the only one who ever really loved me for me.

I'm in so much pain and the preferred method from all I've read here over the past couple weeks is 'No Contact' which isn't an option for me... I just feel completely lost and alone and just wish I could crawl into a hole... but what can I do? What's the next best thing after NC? Anyone have any useful advice for me?

Thanks in advance...

s_cianci · Nov 21, 2007, 04:39 PM

First of all, stop beating yourself up over this and I mean that figuratively as well as literally. Secondly, you should no longer be living together at all, even though she's relocating in a month or so. One of you needs to move out. And you're going to have to get used to the idea of NC. Forget her and put her out of your mind. Live your life as though she no longer exists. I know that's hard to do at first but with practice and time it gets easier. But it's the only way for you to get over it and to be able to go on with your life.

jasmine_rezzag · Nov 22, 2007, 01:20 AM

I am so sorry to hear your story! But I am sure it is not easy for a woman to leave her man whom she loves so much! Maybe she does not love you any more,so decide to leave,maybe she leaves just because you disappointed her to death!if so,she should still have feelings for you,you should still have a chance to get her back! Just be strong,find out the real reasons,and show her your love and your sincerity! Why you do not move with her?maybe that works!

simoneaugie · Nov 22, 2007, 04:36 AM

Your situation is not easy, that's for sure. Let me be honestly mean; now you know exactly what not to do in such a situation. Yes, it's likely that the relationship will never be as it was. Why you behaved the way you did (like not agreeing to marry her) is not a bad thing. You were honestly scared. When she does move out, what are your plans? What are your responsibilities going to be? What are you neglecting, or feeling fear about now? Take care of the stuff that's right in front of you... your life will fall into place.

Bassdrop · Nov 22, 2007, 09:58 AM

@s_cianci: Thanks, I know you're absolutely right, but I can't help but think that there might be the slightest possibility of working things out if I stick around... perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment, but if I were to leave, I'd feel like I've given up hope and given up on her... I just love her too much to give up so easily.

@jasmine_rezzag: She still loves me, just not in the same way anymore I fear. In direct contradiction to what I just told s_cianci, I don't think there's any chance of getting her back, although I'm doing my best to show her my love and that I'm a changed person.

@simoneaugie: Yeah, I've definitely learned a lot... mostly what not to do, as you said. As for responsibilities, bills/rent will double but I'm working and should be able to cover it. I'm just feeling really down thinking about all the great times we had together and about all the things we won't be doing in the future... as Bob Marley said, "The good times of today are the sad thoughts of tomorrow."

Thanks to all three of you, I really appreciate your taking the time to answer me.

stonewilder · Nov 22, 2007, 10:56 AM

For such an amazing girl she couldn't be a more cruel person to continue living with you after she broke up with you. Don't fool yourself, if she wasn't enjoying ever second of your agony she wouldn't still be there knowing she's torturing you. Yeah real sweet lady she is!

sonicjodi · Nov 23, 2007, 08:53 AM

Well,
My boyfreind and I of 3 years just broke up 2 days ago, I broke it off.
I felt like we had grown apart and we wanted different things out of life.
We tried working through issues, but he, like you, seemed to to think that we had a lot of time to do so.
We are still living together because of finances, it works out well, but its not easy being here by any means, even though I was the one that broke it off.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and our family all live across the country, so we were at the house all day together.
We didn't speak once.

I still love him and we had a lot of great times with each other, but the bad trumps the good.

I don't know how much my response is supposed to help you out, except that I am on the other end of it.
I was going to wait until I saved up more money to tell him about the break up, but in the heat of the moment in a disagreement, it came out.
Trust me- its very hard for her too, and if she didn't have to be there, then so wouldn't be.

Just try not to be mean to her, keep it friendly, but keep your distance, that is my advice.

BMI · Nov 23, 2007, 09:04 AM

When someone breaks up with us we always romanticize the time we spent with them, its quite normal. I have treated girls badly and when they leave I love them more than ever. Y'know, remember the time we walked on the beach(it smelled like fish and was cold) but we pretend it was the greatest. You love what you can't have my friend.

Bassdrop · Nov 23, 2007, 10:24 AM

Wow, identical situation... she said she was going to wait until after xmas to tell me but decided to tell me sooner. Thank you for sharing, it helps.

BMI · Nov 24, 2007, 08:17 AM

I'm not sure what you disagree with simoneaugie, or what you comment exactly means for that matter?

Please clarify what you are disagreeing with.

stonewilder · Nov 24, 2007, 02:06 PM

simoneaugie,
I have had this happen to me with my ex. I know very well how it feels to have someone you love tell you they are leaving but pretty much when they damn well feel like it. I know how it feels to be in Bassdrop's shoes and it is one of the cureless things a person can do. My ex had family, friends or even a motel he could have went to and I'm sure she probably does too. If not she should have waited till she found a way out.

"I've rarely seen such abject cruelty exhibited by a woman."

You haven't read many of my post then have you? What are you, a southern bell from the 1700's?