[Homegirl 50]

I would imagine you are pretty stressed out. But now when you lose your weight, do it in a healthy way. You don't want to be sick. Keep us posted and you can pm me if you like.

[cheeree325]

It is sad that your husband thinks that way of you. But, if you want to lose weight, you can. Start eating smaller meals daily. But, you can't just start a diet and think you are going to lose weight. You have to discipline yourself. You need to work out as well. You should look into a physical trainer. My mother-in-law was overweight. She hired a physical trainer and I could tell she was losing some weight. Then, when she got down to the desired weight she quit eating healthy and quit working out. The weight came right back. It's about changing your whole lifestyle. You can do it. But, remember good results don't come right away. Maybe invite your husband to be your work-out buddy so he knows how hard you are trying to lose weight.

[Caralyn]

Kayte,

I'm very glad to hear that you had a talk with him and told him of your plans. If that doesn't shake him up to take notice of how thoughtless he is being nothing will. Homegirl made some excellent points - think about your child and yourself. She also made some very good suggestions - keep your plans to yourself. He may be afraid of losing you and try to keep you short of money. Stick to your plan, take charge of your own life and don't listen to his negativity. Instead take it as a sign of how things really are. If he loved you, he would be supportive and encouraging you with your plan to improve the quality of your life, both your lives in the long run. But he sounds anything but supportive. Who needs that kind of support?

Stay strong and stick around here and share your plans with us. Make sure he doesn't have your password to this site. Your not the only one who can do some snooping. Hopefully your chat has given him something to think about and he might get smart and see that the other man's grass may look greener...... But it's just as hard to cut! Take care. Hope to hear from you soon. :)

[YoungGrayHair]

Caralyn thanks for the encouragment.You are right, he thinks I am getting these ideas from the internet and has threatened to stop paying for it.He took the television away 4 years ago.Its OK I guess, I have a radio now and listen to it all the time.plus there is so much to see on the internet, I don't see how anyone could have time for television anymore:)
I went to the college today and talked with one of the ladies there and she thinks I need to speak to a counselor or somehting in case he turns violent , I hadn't thought of that , he has never hit me before...
Anyway I don't think that is necessary, I just want things to be good again, that's all.
All that abuse stuff is not happening to me, that happens to other people.not me.
He doesn't hit me , he just doesn't love me.
I got to go now
K

[JoeCanada76]

Sounds like a very abusive person. He took the television away 4 years ago and not is threatening to take the internet away, OMG. This is bad. You need to speak to a counselor and you do need to get out of this relationship.

[Caralyn]

Kayte,

Marriage is a partnership. In this day and age people have two or three TVs, two cars etc. He's treating you like a child.... If you don't behave he'll take away your TV, computer etc. Unless you enjoy being treated like a child it's time to stand up to this man.

Whether you decide to stay or go........ Take back your life!

Imagine the messages you are sending to your child... That it is ok to treat people like this..... It's okay to be treated like this. You think you have a problem now.... Wait till your child is a teenager and starts treating you exactly like your husband does now.

The reality is that there is always some kind of payback. What are you getting out of this situation? What is the reason you let it go on? If I was in your place, I would either ask him to sit down and have a serious talk about making some changes OR tell him I want a trial separation. He would still be responsible for all yours and your child's financial needs. It might just be enough to give him the shake up he needs.

[edzmedz]

Loose weight or loose the marriage! I say loose the marriage because it doesn't look that sound to me anyway. By the way, does your husband look like a god? Coz he sure sounds like one.

[Tuscany]

I called a diet doctor this morning. I am scheduled to see her Friday.
I also am joining weight watchers and I am looking into going back to school.
I have been a stay home mom and wife, all these years,my husband did not want me to get a job,but he gives me a small allowance every two weeks$75.00.So plan to start saving some of that for an apartment I think.
We talked this morning, I told him I plan to leave and he said I could not make it without him.That I could not get a job anywhere.That no one would hire me ,That I have no where to go.I have been estranged from my family all this time, he really does not like for me to go anywhere or visit my family, they live 4 hours away, he says he does not want me driving by myself that far.
I have been spurred to do some digging, there is a program at the local college for people like myself,who have not been in the workforce for many years wanting to get a two year degree.
The only thing is , my husband makes way too much money for me to get any financial helps.I dont know for sure just what my next move may be , I think I will just think on things for a bit and see just what to do.
He did say that I could never make it without him.
So i guess if he was wanting our marriage to be over , then he lied.He thinks now i will leave and that has brought out this reaction,Should have said that a long time ago, called his BLUFF.Every thing has changed now, I feel like my life is changing and I dont like it,Im halfway scared.

Oh honey I applaud you. What you did is a lot easier said then done. You stood up to him when you really needed too. That is wonderful and says so much about how you feel about yourself. As for not getting a job. Phewy, you will be able to get a job, and it sounds like you are headed in the right direction to get the help you need with that. Talk to your financial aid office at the school you are looking at, they might be able to help you since your situation is so unique.

You are to strong of a woman, to special to be with a man that does not treat you right. Please keep us posted.

[bushg]

I have been a stay home mom and wife, all these years,my husband did not want me to get a job,but he gives me a small allowance every two weeks$75.00.

This way you depend on him for eveything.

I have been estranged from my family all this time, he really does not like for me to go anywhere or visit my family, they live 4 hours away, he says he does not want me driving by myself that far.

Again , you only have him no one else, this is just another form of control, of course you could not be alone with your family he would be afraid they would tell you he is not the perfect man.

Taking your t.v. away and taking away the internet, is all forms of having control/abuse. He wants to keep you isolated. My guess is for whatever reasons he doesn't want you talking to the neighbors... If he thinks your serious about leaving he will start telling you he will take your child. Think about it it is not about your weight, this is all about him controlling everything you do. I would bet there are times he encourages you to eat or fix foods that he knows is very tempting for you. You should not have to walk on eggshells for anyone or behave in a certain manner.
Go to the library and find some books about domestic abuse, call a hotline, abuse is not just about hitting.

[GainingKnowledge]

Hi Kayte,

After reading through all the posts and what you said, I agree that this is not an ideal picture.
Biblically speaking, for better or worse, where did that go ?
To top it off, he sounds abusive (mindgames) for mentioning that you can't make it and have no help. Manipulative for saying that he would do this and that, and setting rules about your weight.

Even if he's not cheating, I believe he exhibits some form of behavior that leads me to think he may be addicted to something, maybe p@rn. This would also explain why he wants you to lose weight and the comparing you to others. It may be why he's disgusted.

It sounds to me he doesn't want to lose you, based on the things you said you do (you sound like a good wife), however he wants things his way. Someone like this, you can't please, and I imagine that after a while he will only come up with new demands. Once you lose the weight, I wonder what he'd demand after that.

You being estranged from your family, and being so dependent on him, and him seeing you are getting resistant to his mold he wants to stick you in, threatening you to remove the internet tells me that he is really in a sense dependent on you.

My suggestion would be to quit telling him anything that you're going to do and simply act like a dumb wife, seemingly going along with his plan. This is to keep you safe.

The less you reveal, the safer you are. Just sit back and watch him for clues as to what he's really about. Snoop around the house a bit and see if he's hiding anything.

Sorry to hear your husband is such a fool. I've been there and had this kind of relationship.
You're better off getting yourself set up to make it on your own.

T.

I want to add, that this doesn't mean you have to separate or divorce right away, but more along the lines of prepare for the worst and pray for the best.

[cybers]

Planning ahead means no surprises -- you are in control.
FLIGHTS
Vegetable juice. Skip airline snacks. Bring your own: almonds, apple, etc
IN AIRPORT
Now most serve fruit.
Take Nutrimeal in baggie. I take two baggies per day.
Sandwiches: take 1/2 bread away -- order lean meats (chicken, turkey) or drink Nutrimeal shake
Salads -- oil vinegar/ basalmic, salsa
Meals: immediately cut 1/2 and get rest to go. Nothing deep fried
AT FAMILY HOMES
Family will respect that you are taking care of yoursel f.
"Oh why don't you try some". "It looks great, but I'm good, thank you"
Load plate with vegetables: great source of carbs. Pass the rolls /
bread to next person and let them put it on their waist.
Fill plate only once.
Drink a glass of water -- helps fill you up
The body fills "full" up to 15 minutes + last bite.
Plan sizes: veggies + fruit = 2 fists.
Protein = palm
RESTAURANTS
Plan ahead. Look at “PLANcard”
Burrito in corn tortilla, ask for it.
Push tortilla chips to side.
Split meal with someone
Put half in to go box right away (people will follow your example
later, just watch)
Sallad bars: use salsa, low fat cottage cheese for dressing, oil & vinegar or basalmic
Ask for side vegetables.
Meats are baked or grilled
EXERCISE
Plan it: I f you’re with family or business put EXERCISE UP FRONT – Hey, I need to go for a 30
minute walk. When would be good time? They will respect that BECAUSE they wish they had
your conviction (plus you’ll be less stressed because you have have endorphins working for you
– which give you a natural high)
If you exercised, eat more I f you're hungry.
Remember: the goal is get the body to start releasing fat naturally.
Eat low GI around 80% of time, 5 times a day. You'll feel full and eat less.
Email me and let me know how it's going.
As in the movie Legally Blond:
“Exercise gives you endorphins
Endorphins make you happy
Happy people just don’t kill their husbands”

[maddie10]

Hiya... I would just like to say that at a size 12-14 u are not overweight.but if you want to loose weight for yourself then go for it. I no that this must sound harsh but do you really want to be with someone that makes you feel this unhappy.ino you say you love him but douse he love you back... why is it that some men try to make us feel this unsecure and succeed.I think you should give slimming world a try.it really works and trust you can eat loads. But I also think you should get rid of your hubby.find someone that going to love you for you no matter what weight you are.. u sound like a beautiful person and you disserve to be really happy.good luck

[Paigiebaby]

I know you must really love him if you two have been married for 12 years, but I personly think you shouldn't have to choose the I see it is if you are happy with yourself don't change. But you probably aren't if you are asking for help. All you really need to do to lose wieght is start eating healthier and less, find info on how many callories you should eat and start exercising. A great way to do that is buy exercise videos they can help. But don't just do this because your husband wants you to do it for yourself.

[YoungGrayHair]

Thanks to all of you who have written back,
Sorry it has taken so long to write back to you,I have read what you all have said but I am just not sure how to feel...
I have just been in a funk lately and just trying to not have to deal with things,, I don't know .
I have thought about seeing a counselor.. maybe.
It seems everything is in a spiral, I really have been a little angry at... well... everything...
I wonder just how many other women are in similar situations as mine.

I really don't know how to feel right now about all this. Sometimes I feel like just letting everything stay just the way they are , its almost "safe" if that makes any sense at all.Like if I just stand still, everything will be OK.Life will be OK.&good.Nothing is really bad.

But then I just can't help the uncertainty of what really is right in front of me. What if I really can't do this , stand up,. its easier, to just... stand still.

I started WW this past week and I have lost 2 lbs . It's a start. I feel like this is something all for me.. like if I can do this , I can do anything , even leave my husband ,if I must.I just need more , I don't know.. me confidence... worthwhile... or bigger feeling.. I don't know how to explain it
Anyway I am just waking up everyday making the best of what comes.
Maybe everything will be OK.
Kayte

[bushg]

Oh, your post brings tears to my eyes. I know how you feel I have been there, just keep telling yourself that it will pass.
Everything happens in life as it needs to, maybe that is how we learn . Hard times teach us more than the good times... it is easy to sail right along and not pay attention when things are going OK.
You should be so proud of yourself... you took a step. You lost 2 lbs! That is great, esp. since you are not that over weight.
Keep up the good work.*edit* I just want to say each day you wake up there is hope for change so don't give up, everyday will not be filled with such sadness and despair.

[Caralyn]

Kayte,

WW. I'm pleased for you, if nothing else it makes you feel in control of your life. There is no need to try to explain anything. You have quite simply had your eyes opened. Now you just need time to get your head around what you have discovered and gradually come to some decisions about your life and your future. With any luck maybe he has had his eyes opened too and is preparing to make some changes also. I hope so because I think you love him. You just have to stand up for yourself more.

Life can be a bit scary from time to time but that's how we learn stuff and make memories. If you just stand still you will wake up one day an old woman and wonder where your life went. You are doing just fine. You have taken so many steps since you first posted. You should give yourself a pat on the back. Walk tall, walk straight and look the world right in the eye! And keep telling yourself that you deserve to be happy - we all do.

And remember, a happy mother makes for a happy child. So don't go packing your bags for any guilt trips about taking care of your own needs. :cool:

[Synnen]

Kayte--I've got a GREAT way to lose an extra 200 lbs or so: Get rid of your husband.

What he is doing is a form of abuse. It WILL just get worse. Once you lose the weight, the accusations will change to "you're flirting with other guys--are you SLEEPING with them?"

He just wants to control you.

I think it's GREAT that you've joined weight watchers, and that you're losing weight! Hooray! It's wonderful that you're doing this good thing for YOU!

As to not making it on your own--that's what alimony is for, sweetheart. And if you've stayed home, and out of the workforce, to raise your kid, you'll probably get it. Use the money to go to school!

I know this is a hard step--but get out. Take your kid, and go to your family, and explain what's been going on. Go to a women's shelter. Just pack your things and go. If you're smart, you'll take half the bank account with you.

The only thing keeping you from being able accomplish anything you want is your husband.

Please, keep on keeping us posted!

[lovelesspa]

I agree that you should talk to someone and get some counseling, and I also think that you need a break from this man mabe even permanently and try to recoup the rest of your life. Losing weight for yourself would be something to get your mind busy and be healthy for you. If you truly think he's got someone else, snopping will give you the facts, if that's what you want to do.. But you have to make yourself happy now. If your going to stay, why not cook healthy meals for everyone, smaller portions, natural foods, and if he says.. something, say, I'm making changes in our eating habits... He won't starve and it will be the first step in taking your life back. You are responsible for two things in your life, your kids and yourself , take charge again and make this New Year count for you!

[Santi]

Take some time to yourself. Even if it can only be a weekend, or a few days. Get away, in nature if possible. Allow yourself to truly be heard. By you. Get the clarity you need to move through this situation by knowing what your needs are and by knowing who you are and what you are here for. Sometime life gives us lessons that aren't meant to last our whole lives. Part of the lesson may be to stand firm in what you know is serving for you at this time. Only you can decide what that is.

[Internet Junkie]

Your husband is a horrible man; what happened to "til death do us part?".
He should know that all women do gain weight over time, especially after having children; he might be having an affair, and maybe his mistress is going to gain weight too, what will he do then?
Don't obsess about your weight, this will only make matters worse, I know it is not easy to break-up when there are children involved, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life obsessing about your weight just to please that b@$t@€d? What will your child think of his/her father ?
I think you should consider counselling if you love your husband; there must be some other problem in the relationship and maybe your hubby is using the weight thing as an excuse; I don't know him so it's very easy for me to say LEAVE HIM and get a good divorce settlement!