Please help me

lovelydragonessash · Nov 27, 2005, 05:49 PM

:( I don't know what to do.. my best friend is dating 2 guys and I like one of them a lot... and I hate what she is doing to him and I could treat him better... but she is also my best friend we have been friends for 14 years.. what should I do?

letmeno · Nov 27, 2005, 07:04 PM

If you even so much as think about having anything to do with a guy your best friend dated, you would be in major violation of the friendship codes and ethics. Friends don't date friends ex's. It does not matter how bad she is doing him, she is your friend, and friends don't do that. If you want him that bad, cut your friendship off with the girl and go after the guy that you want. If you go after him while you two are still friends, you won't be friends for too much longer anyway. Women should always be a cut above the rest and should always act like women, dating your friends guy is cut throat and unwomanly. How she treats people is something that she has to deal with, not you. Let her know how you feel and tell her how wrong that she is but don't stoop to her level and date him behind her back.

fredg · Nov 28, 2005, 06:35 AM

Hi,
Have you considered the "obvious" thing to do?
Be honest. Ask your best friend if she would mind if you date "so and so". All she can say is "no", or "go for it".
Please do not bring up to your best friend how she is treating others. That is a good way to lose her as a friend.
Trying to give advice to your best friend on how to act, is normally, a good way to get rid of them. But, there is nothing wrong in asking her about going out with one of her boyfriends.
I do wish you good luck, and if she says "no", then neet some new boys.

nymphetamine · Nov 28, 2005, 06:43 AM

Guess what your friend has two boyfriends who she obviously doesn't care about in the least so who really cares what she thinks? Why should she get to have two of them? Look at what she's doing and your worried about she's your best friend. There's TWO of them! Im willing to bet if you had two boyfriends shed take one of yours and don't let her tell you its not true because it is! I understand you care about her but she's only gets to have one. There are women out there waiting for a good man and she gets TWO. She should be ashamed of her self. Women like that are the reason good women like me can't find a good man.

s_cianci · Nov 28, 2005, 06:43 PM

Your best friend sounds "greedy" as opposed to "needy." Casually ask her as a friend if she would mind "sharing the wealth." After all, she's already dating two guys, so your being interested in one of them shouldn't be a problem. Now, if she were dating the guy in question exclusively, that'd be another story and in that case my advice to you would be "hands off." But if she truly is your "best friend" then I don't see a problem going out with the guy you like. If she's that much of a "man magnet" , then she'll probably find a 3rd guy before long anyhow.

letmeno · Nov 28, 2005, 08:44 PM

"MEN DO IT ALL THE TIME"... that is the double standard when it comes to men and women. We can't do what men do. She should ask her friend if she minds if she dates the other guy, if her friend agrees, well then, she has a great friend, but if she does not agree are you suggesting that she jeopardize her 14 year friendship for a guy?? :confused: A relationship that more than likely won't even last... (just being honest) I am speaking from a woman's pov. I have seen a lot of longtime friendships break up because of things like this. Guy's come and guy's go, but a really good friend is very valuable. I don't think that she should do this behind her back. If she really values her friendship with this girl, then she should talk to her FIRST!

DJ 'H' · Nov 29, 2005, 06:44 AM

My best friend and I shre everything. We have been a predicament where she was seeing two guys and one of those guys happened to be a close friend of my family. Obviously I did not like what she was doing so I sat her down and talked to her about it. There was a little defence on her part to start with (only because I did not exlain myself very well) but she soon saw what she was doing and knew that she had to put a stop to it. Friends respect you for being honest with them rather than going behind their backs.

Just be open with her and let her know you don't agree with what she is doing. Put it into a hypathetical situation - if it was two guys doing it to her, how would she feel? - she will understand!

nymphetamine · Nov 29, 2005, 06:49 AM

Pouting. You guys are right. You shouldn't go behind her back so just talk to her. But she gets two :( .

DJ 'H' · Nov 29, 2005, 06:56 AM

The fact that she gets two is greedy crankiebabie. It only works if you are a muslim and even then you have to be a man to pull it off. One is enough - two is way too complicated.

letmeno · Nov 29, 2005, 10:10 AM

She is dating two guy's. O.k. she is wrong, but that is something she needs to deal with herself. If you are really taking a liking to this guy then speak with your friend before you even think of approaching this guy. This would speak volumes about YOUR character. I am being very open minded in this case because where I am from and my heritage we don't even think about things like this. I don't think that it is wrong that you are liking this guy, and if you feel like you want him, just talk to your friend before you make any moves on him.

momincali · Nov 29, 2005, 11:16 AM

Lovely, are you getting any kind of vibes from this guy that your friend is dating? Do you think he may have an interest in dating you if he could? The reason I ask is before you even approach your friend about the subject, stop and consider whether this guy has shown any interest in you or what would be the purpose of even having that conversation with your best friend. If she treats him so poorly, have you stopped to consider that maybe he just might be the kind of mixed up individual that actually is attracted to women like that and doesn't know how to handle a relationship with a nice, decent woman?

Having said that, I agree with letmeknow that you should always speak with your friend first before pursuing an ex. Personally, I think it's a no no but if she's all right with it and he's receptive, why not? I also agree, your friend is selfish and greedy and you should consider picking better friends. The 14 years of friendship you have shouldn't be the reason to keep a friend. The reason to keep and respect a friendship is if she has shown to be a remarkable friend and human being, not just to you but to others as well.

I recently gave the boot to a long term friend that I've known for 22 years because I found out she had multiple affairs on her husband and had used me as an alibi, unbeknownst to me, to go and spend time with him. This all landed on my lap when her husband found out about it. The worst part is when she apologized to her husband in front of me, she was not very sincere and later went on to say that she couldn't afford a divorce or she would have to go back to work. She couldn't understand why I didn't want to continue our friendship because she didn't cheat on me, she "experienced others" (her words). It hurt but I did not look back, I felt she brought that on herself.

Good Luck!

s_cianci · Nov 30, 2005, 07:14 PM

Originally Posted by letmeno

"MEN DO IT ALL THE TIME"......that is the double standard when it comes to men and women. We can't do what men do. She should ask her friend if she minds if she dates the other guy, if her friend agrees, well then, she has a great friend, but in the event that she does not agree are you suggesting that she jeopardize her 14 year friendship for a guy???? :confused: A relationship that more than likely won't even last...(just being honest) I am speaking from a woman's pov. I have seen alot of longtime friendships break up because of things like this. guy's come and guy's go, but a really good friend is very valuable. I don't think that she should do this behind her back. If she really values her friendship with this girl, then she should talk to her FIRST!

Why can't you do what men do? Who said there needs to be a double standard? Remember, the girl in question is dating not one but two guys. Are you suggesting that she's so jealous , selfish and possessive that if her friend were to date one of them, whom she presumably mistreats as it is, that that'd jeopardize their friendship? If so , then so be it. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Loyalty to friends is one thing but denying oneself an opportunity to date a potential love interest for fear of striking a jealous chord with an ex who happens to be a "friend" and who is a greedy, possessive person to boot is a crock of crap, I'm sorry to say. Let me tell you a rather amusing story about two mutual male friends of mine. One friend's wife left him after 30+ years of marriage. I'm not sure of the exact reasons but I'm reasonably confident that they weren't legitimate reasons for deserting one's spouse ; i.e. he wasn't beating the crap out of her or running around on her or anything like that. Shortly after they split, she married the other mutual friend who had been a close friend of theirs throughout their marriage and friend #1 attended their wedding ! I don't know what had become of friend #2's first wife, whether she died or divorced him. Now, I'm sorry, but whether you're male or female, having a friend date an ex is nothing to take personally and certainly nothing to dissolve a friendship over. Also, if you recall my original post and that of several others, I did advise the original poster to talk to her friend first as opposed to going behind her back. But frankly, under the circumstances, if her friend has a problem with that, then yes I think she should date the guy anyway.

letmeno · Nov 30, 2005, 10:00 PM

Yessssssss... there are double standards when it comes to men and women. Such as if a guy sleeps with a ton of girls he's a stud, when a girl sleeps with a ton of guy's, she's a *&#. And a "mutual" friend is not the same as a "bestfriend" Hey, I have mutual friends and if it were all right with them I would date there ex. My best friend, whom I have known since grade school, who I had slumber parties with, who was there for me during good and bad times, who cried on my shoulder when I cried on her shoulder, who knows things about me that she could blackmale me with, who is more like a sister than a friend? I would never touch any man that she had. I don't care if she had 100 men and she led all of them around on a dog collar attached to a chain, I don't care how awful of a person she is, as I said before... her fault, not mine. Friends sacrifice for friends, that is one of the qualities that makes you a true friend. I would not jeopardize a bond with a true friend for a fling with a guy. I am not saying her friend is jealous, possesive or greedy, maybe she isn't, but if she is, should she say "screw off, your not my friend anymore?" However awful that her friend may be, if she is even an awful person @ all, this is something that should be of no surprise to her, she has known her for 14 years... on the other side of being greedy, jealous, and possesive, she could possess a lot of qualities that she loves about her and that is why she is her friend in the first place. Me personally, I wouldn't do it for the simple fact it is considered a violation amongst women to date there BESTFRIENDS ex's.

DJ 'H' · Dec 1, 2005, 05:06 AM

My best friend did that to me once. I was dating this guy (Craig) when I was younger - things went pair shaped and we split up. He and I remained friends (in the end after a bit of time) because we had grown up together and are families are very close.

I went away on holiday and returned to find out my best friend and my ex had, had a fling - shortly after that progressed into a relationship.

I did not want Criag to come between us so I bit my tongue and just accepted things for what they were. In truth I was really hurt and felt very betrayed by my best friend.

They split up after 6 months and we laid the whole thing to bed. But it soon came back to haunt us. Craig is still good friends with me. If he's down he will talk to me about it - if there is a musical or panto then he will always inform me so we can audition together. We have a lot of mutual friends (since we all grew up together in the same town and went to the same school etc). My best friend does not possess that as she moved to the area later on in her life. Because Craig and I have remained good friends and he shares stuff with me - my best friend became very jealous. She would shout and holler at me all the time because Craig spoke to me about a problem - or because I had huing out with him or auditioned for a part in a play with him. She pushed me so far away that we lost each other for a while. Luckily we are spaking again - but our friendship is not as strong or as before and we can't see each other as much as we used to.

It is never worth ruining a friendship over a guy. Friends are there for life - boyfriends come & go. It's a simple fact of life. Never let go of your friends. Even when they piss you off or do something you don't agree with, it's only a short term thing. In the end they are always there where you need them the most. That's what you must not lose sight off.

talaniman · Dec 3, 2005, 09:31 PM

Are the pickin's so slim that a women has to date one of her player friends current play toys?How about finding your own toys to play with?I find it amazing that anyone would want a friends leftovers or cast-offs.What is this love by pity or what.Just asking cause I don't get it! :confused: