[asking]

My boyfriend took me out last night to see his favorite singer. On the way to the theater he told me he wished she could be in the bedroom with us. I told him it made me uncomfortable. He said he "can't say anything." During the performance, he shouted at the end of every song, although the rest of the audience wasn't doing that. He couldn't stop talking about her all evening. When we got home, his adult son teased him about the fact that he plays her songs over and over obsessively to the point where the son said he wouldn't come out of his room in the morning until his father had finished playing the CDs. I had not realized my boyfriend was so obsessed.

When we went to bed, he told me that after his wife left him, he played the cds to himself every night while falling asleep, for months. I wanted to go to sleep, but my boyfriend was all over me, telling me how in love with me he was. Trouble is, he has NEVER said that with any real enthusiasm before and has barely said he loved me in weeks. So it felt odd. We have been having a hard time, actually. I tried to tell him what I liked, but he didn't pay much attention and kept hurting me, and I felt more turned off than I've ever been with him. I'm usuall pretty warm and enthusiastic. Also, in the 6 months we've been together, he has not been able to reach orgasm more than a few times. But last night, he went right off. He was more passionate, more relaxed. He was like a different person.

The trouble was I didn't feel like it had anything to do with me. He kept telling me how close he felt to me, but I didn't feel close to him. When he was done, I felt lonely (and left out). For months, I have been trying sooo hard to please him, without success. He says everything I do is just "nice." But it's never enough and he usually seems disappointed. Now I feel like he just wants a different person.

I didn't feel like I could talk about it to him. He'd just tell me it's not true, that I am imagining things. So I didn't say anything. I know people have sexual fantasies, but they are usual silent, inside their heads, not obvious, aren't they? This is the first time in my life I remember feeling sexually degraded and I couldn't quite say why. I felt so much loathing, I was sick. What does it mean? It's not like he has any chance of even meeting this singer. And I know he cares for me. He kept telling me this morning what a great evening he had. But I felt used and I still feel sick to my stomach. I don't know how to explain this any better. Right now, I don't ever want to see him again. And I don't want to have to explain why to him. I want someone who sees me and wants to make love to me myself. I am still young looking and amorous. I am not ready to be a blowup doll for a 65 year old guy who wishes he was with a woman in her 20s. I guess I sound pretty angry.

[georgialady_07]

Hi First off I would like to say how my heart goes out to you but God knows No Woman should ever have to feel degraded during sex. I know that people have fantasy's because my husband actually mentioned one of his but I quickly told him nope not ever and I haven't heard anything else. As far as him being different that night I agrre with you I don't think it was you it sounds like he was fantising about being with this other woman. I think your best advice is to get out why you can because you will probably always be number 2 in his life and will always feel resentful because you are not her. Is this why his first wife is not with him? Life is to short for you to be with a man who makes you feel disgusted and degraded & who doesn't love you for you and only you.. :)... Since he's only your BF I think you need to move on because I don't think he's a healthy relationship that you need. I am sorry I couldn't offer anything else just my opnion on what I would do. I hope everything goes OK and I hope you never have to endure that feeling again.. :(.I wish you all the happiness in your future.. :)

[KBC]

His first error was to openly admit to a fantasy about another woman to you.That, alone, was a red flag for you, he is emotionally attached to a symbol, one which you can never be.

I can't say anything as far as not reaching orgasm during sex with you, as I am not in his skin,BUT, if he isn't with you, he isn't with you!(exactly as georgialady_07 said... "&who doesn't love you for you and only you..")

It sounds like an empty emotional pit and an unrewarding proposition for you, If you are a fighter, you can try to get through to him, but like above, my opinion would be to look for someone who is an equal, not a challenge.

Best of luck,

Ken

[asking]

Thanks to both of you for your support and advice. I am a fighter in the sense of fighting for the relationship to work. But I don't have any fight left in me now.

He is on antidepressants and I thought that was why he couldn't climax. But now it seems like it's also situational. And I'm apparently the wrong situation. I guess it was kind of a surprise to learn this...

I wish I could just melt away and he wouldn't notice. But he will never let me leave without a big campaign. I am dreading that. He makes me feel like I have to come up with a reason for everything I say or do and then he demolishes my reasons.
Asking

[Xrayman]

Mm a little harsh some of the answers-although he does sound a little unhealthily obsessed with the singer-at least he told you. Maybe he shouldn't have. I would tell him exactly how you feel about the whole relationship and gauging his response decide what to do from there on-if he degrades you and ignores and subjugates you, well then he needs to be dropped-just take it easy at first.

[statictable]

What would happen to this man if the singer, the obsession and the fantasizing were to simply vanish into thin air? Would he collapse into a comma or begin to cry or fall into deep depression? Yes he certainly has built a very well defined pseudo community and has clearly defined his ability to fantasize but you must recognize the trust he has in you as you are very clearly living and surviving within that pseudo community. The human mind does not like to be static and can be very creative in assuring against such. To modify what is described as a benign yet obsessed 65 year old man would simply be an experiment without any thought of the outcome.

[KBC]

I am of the belief that, if in a 6 month time frame, a relationship shows this kind of rather deep seated obsessive behavior, how much more is there to come,much less how much degradation is needed to be dealt out till someone breaks.

If the singer collapses and dies, there is still the cd's,right?(or videos... etc etc.)

In this 'pseudo community' Is it a safe place for anyone to live besides the one he obsesses over, and perhaps a select few?The man is already diagnosed with some kind of depression, this is an eye raiser, do you want someone with complete obsession, depression, and his own adult kids steering clear of him till he has been appeased with an obsession... This doesn't sound like reality for most people, this is Stephen King stuff.

I guess what I am reading from the previous post is,leave him?
"...an experiment without any though of the outcome."?? what is this?

[oneguyinohio]

The fact that he belittles your opinions is a sign that I would pick up on that this guy might be latched on to you as a way to prove himself worthy of someone... someone who will have sex with him even though he doesn't support your needs on a regular basis... what are you getting out of this situation? Is he using you as a substitute for the person who left him? Therefore he can treat you as if you were the person that left him? Misplaced aggressions? Having asked all that, the drugs can do some odd things as far as the hormones are concerned...

[asking]

I hadn't thought of this as an example of misplaced aggression. I know he's angry inside (with his wife, with others), but now that you mention it he doesn't express it explicitly much, except to confront store clerks over trivial mistakes and similar. I guess I was seeing this as thoughtless more than hostile, but in fact I think he more or less knew what he was doing. You make a good point, Ohio.

As for the "experiment," I'm not saying he should change if that's what you mean. I doubt he would want to or could. Maybe he's been with his dream woman so long, he can't imagine not having her with him. I just don't think this is a healthy place for me. As KBC says, if this is where we are at 6 months, why wait for what comes next with this person? There have been nice times, and he's been supportive and sometimes really good company, but I seem to be going downhill.

I feel sad, but much less twisted and horrible than on Monday. Thanks so much everyone.
Asking