[GlindaofOz]

I'm just absolutely stuck and have no clue what to do in this situation.

I used to work in HR but now am working as a Matchmaker (long story - not the point). The service I work for is owned by a man but his wife works at the company and she basically serves as "boss lady".

Tonight a conversation went down between myself, a few other coworkers and the owners wife. The conversation ended when the owners wife began to humilated one of my co workers because she has large breasts and due to this has chronically hard nipples.

The owners wife ripped her apart and her pretty much accused of her of being sexually suggestive by having hard nipples. Our saleswoman tried to defend herself by stating the obvious which is that it's a biological function that she has zero control over. The owners wife just kept attacking her. It was so uncomfortable to watch. The saleswoman left the office furious and embarrassed.

She now doesn't know what to do. The owners wife only comes in to work at 5pm so our saleswoman wants her hours adjusted so that she can leave before the owners wife comes in but she is uncomfortable having this conversation with the owner and our male senior manager. She knows she could have a potential lawsuit (this isn't the first time this has happened) but isn't able to walk away from the job right now.

What can she do when she is being harassed by the owners wife? Could she just start by filing a complaint with the EEOC? Is there something else? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[N0help4u]

One thing you should do if she does go outside of work to EEOC or where ever is agree to stick up for her. There is nothing worse than her counting on witnesses and nobody wants to speak up because they 'can't afford to lose their job". Going outside the job should be a last resort though because if she goes to EEOC she may feel even more uncomfortable being at a job that she took to EEOC.
Can somebody talk to the male senior manager on her behalf? Or maybe mention something to him like, "That bosses wife is really something! I can't believe what she does!" and take the conversation from there.

[GlindaofOz]

Well the two of us who witnessed the whole deal wrote down what happened as soon as we got home just in case she decided to take it to court we would remember what exactly happened.

I told her to talk to our senior manager> I told her that even though he has no control over the situation he would at least be someone in an authoritative position for her to talk to. He might have some suggestions on how to handle it with our boss or he might even go and talk to the boss for her. I told her she has to say something since she feels uncomfortable working with the boss' wife.

[N0help4u]

Wonder what bosses wife would do if the next time she started on her
She said something like "so what is your 'professional' advice on what to do?
Should I wrap my chest in gauze bandages and come to work looking like a mummy? "

[RubyPitbull]

Hey Glinda! I was wondering where you have been! I missed seeing you around. I am sorry I didn't see this question when you first posted it. This really is more of a corporate law question rather than a HR question. But, if you don't mind, I will give you my input. In my previous life I was senior mgmt and had to deal with these kinds of issues. What the wife is doing is considered sexual harassment. Obviously, you and I know that it has more to do with her own insecurity in her marriage and she views this other woman as a threat. But, it does fall under the sexual harassment guidelines.

You have absolutely done the right thing to suggest that the saleswoman take this to her senior manager. She needs to understand that legally, she won't have a leg to stand on if she doesn't bring this to her supervisor's attention and allow him the opportunity to resolve this problem. A lawsuit will only have merit if she can clearly show that she went through the proper channels, and the company did nothing to rectify the situation. So, she needs to document everything -- conversations, dates, times.

As far as you are concerned, you have done all you can. Repeat your advice if necessary but you need to stay out it and not get any more enmeshed in the situation. I know it is hard because clearly the wife stepped over the line and it is in your nature to help people in trouble. But this is the saleswoman's dilemma not yours, and she needs to understand that she has to file the complaint, no one else can do this for her. If your name comes up as having given her any advice other than speaking to the supervisor, you might find yourself out of a job. Stay out of the line of fire and let her handle this. You have your write up of the event(s). If your testimony is needed later on, then you do the right thing and tell the truth.

Frankly, it is a shame that she can't tell the wife to go screw herself or just turn it into a joke to make the wife look like a fool. I worked in the construction industry when women managers were not the norm. Men were constantly making comments about my legs and breasts expecting me to burst into tears. Instead, I would do things like pin them against the wall with my body and tell them I was ready to go, let's do it against the wall! They nearly pooped their pants. Men like that don't expect that kind of response and really are wimps when it comes down to it. Ahhh, I miss those days. ;)

Just as an FYI, if I were in that saleswoman's place I would have handled it much differently. The wife is looking to control and intimidate. But, the platform she has chosen is a losing one. She can't defend her actions on something like this. She was most inappropriate in confronting the saleswoman publicly and she was purposefully trying to humiliate her. If it had been me, I probably would have asked her: "Why are you spending time staring at my nipples?" in a very calm voice. Whatever she says that is negative as a response, if her anger rises, I would have still remained calm with a smile (probably a smirk) pasted on my face. I would continue "Are you obsessed with my nipples? You seem so preoccupied with them that I can only assume you must be obsessed? (state her name), are you gay? Is that the problem? I am sorry but I don't swing that way." I would let her work herself into a state of rage and walk out. What is she going to say? She can't fire someone over that. The only blow up would be on her part, and as I said, there is no defense for how she chose to deal with and what she has said, about another woman's nipples in such a public forum. It would also make her think twice about digging into the woman again. This wife is someone who is insecure in her marriage and wants everyone in that office to know that she is the wife and she has the power. It needs to be defused by the saleswoman. But, I also know that it is an emotional scenario and most women don't know how to handle it when it is occurring. It is an embarrassing position to be placed in and if you haven't been through it before, it is so hard to think fast about how you need to manage it so that you maintain your control.

[Stringer]

"You have absolutely done the right thing to suggest that the saleswoman take this to her senior manager. She needs to understand that legally, she won't have a leg to stand on if she doesn't bring this to her supervisor's attention and allow him the opportunity to resolve this problem. A lawsuit will only have merit if she can clearly show that she went through the proper channels, and the company did nothing to rectify the situation. So, she needs to document everything -- conversations, dates, times."
-Rubypitbull

I absolutely agree, we had something very simular happen and the first thing out of our attorney's mouth was the same thing. You have to follow the proper legal channels.
Stringer

[GlindaofOz]

Thank you all for your help. Just to give you an update - the salesgirl called the EEOC and got a lawyer. The boss has now shoved his foot so far down his throat that I personally believe that the salesgirl will be my new boss eventually. Our boss told the salesgirl that he was changing the dress code for her and that she MUST wear heavily padded bras to the office and if cost is an option he would be more then happy to pay for them (I know - he is actually THAT stupid).

So she is moving forward with a lawsuit and I'm so proud of her for standing up for herself and doing this. She said at first she felt guilty about going to an attorney but after some time to think about it she accepted that they were wrong and she deserves to fight for her rights.

[RubyPitbull]

Sounds like the lawyer gave her good advice and told her to talk to the boss about it to find a reasonable resolution prior to filing an official complaint or lawsuit. Nicely done. Obviously the boss wanted to avoid an argument with the wife and didn't have a clue how to resolve this appropriately. Too bad for him he didn't get proper legal counsel prior to opening his mouth. LOL. Glinda, is their business successful? I can't for the life of me figure out how people with such a lack of business law & management savvy, (not to mention tact and simple common sense), are able to run a financially successful business. Yes, that was a very stupid thing to say.

[Stringer]

Stupid is what stupid does, yes I also might be interested because I'm sure the business could be had for very little, now. Ha

[s_cianci]

Perhaps she could give a "phantom" reason for adjusting her hours to be done before the bosses' wife comes in at 5 P.M. But if there seems to be no way out then she may just have to go in for the kill, lawsuit and the whole nine yards.

[GlindaofOz]

Well we are a matchmaking service so we do well. BUT this guy does run the business in the dumbest fashion possible. He runs it as if employees and members don't matter. We are always trying to get him to see things from a different perspective and he NEVER listens to anyone else. He always snaps back that he has been doing this for 13 years.

Most of us in the office have a lot of fresh ideas that are really good but he is so stuck in his ways that he can't see anything. We get a good number of people to sign up but the number of people we renew is really low. I always think that our people got badly mishandled since the matchmaker who was there before me treated the members awfully. They never disciplined her and they didn't fire her they just made the situation uncomfortable for her until she left.

The way I tend to describe the owner to people is that he is like a hybrid of Michael Scott from The Office and Bill Lumbergh from Office Space but without any of the heart or humor. That might help people get what an idiot he actually is.

I was thinking today that since I started everyday I have been praying for something to happen to change how our business is run. It looks as if what will change it drastically is our owner losing the business to our awesome salesgirl.

[N0help4u]

It is hard when you love your job but the boss makes it impossible to enjoy.
I don't understand why some bosses do not want to grow with new ideas. They cut off their nose to spite their face. If he listened maybe your ideas would make him the most popular nationwide matchmaking company. Some people think small and are comfortable with their ruts.
Hope things work out.

[GlindaofOz]

Yeah me too. I'll keep you guys posted on any news.