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hev53 · Nov 12, 2007, 12:33 PM

Someone give me some advice please.
I have had a very difficult relationship with my grown up son ever since he went to University, before then we got on really well. I divorced from his father when he was 22 and he knew what an abusive relationship I had with him but he gets on OK with him but not me. He has on numerous occasions really verbally attacked me and said he has no respect for me etc and I haven't a clue what I have done. He says I am needy and all I think about in me, me, me. He never phones, emails or send birthday cards to me or my mother who I look after, she is 88. He is currently in Australia on holiday and he sent an email to everyone except me. I jokingly sent him an email saying 'Oi, wheres my email' and I got a barrage of abuse back including the fact that he will contact me when he feels like it not when I want him too. He said so many hurtful things that I know think I have to walk away from this now and I haven't responded to his email. I have decided to wait until he gets back and tell him I want some space between us until he feels he is ready to treat me like a human being and not a punch bag. I have two other children who I enjoy good relationships with and they feel he has problems and I am an easy target. I am so hurt and upset.
Any advice out there. I would really appreciate it.

peggyhill · Nov 12, 2007, 12:48 PM

It's too bad that your son is acting like that. Maybe he has some issues about the divorce, or maybe he is acting emotionally abusive towards you because of his father's example. Perhaps his father has encouraged this attitude. By all means, tell him to stay away until he cleans up his act. I have a similar problem with someone close to me. I told the person that I loved him as always, but I had my own life to live and I couldn't be happy while dealing with the emotional abuse. The person, so far anyway, hasn't contacted me. That still hurts my feelings, but I am a happier person now that I have removed myself from the source of the abuse. If I were you, I would tell your son "I love you very much and want you in my life. However, you won't tell me why you don't want to contact me. Since you have said that you don't want me to contact you, I will wait for you to contact me (unless it's an emergency). But please know that I wish you would talk to me about what is going on. I miss you." Send him an email. If he sends back a mean one, I wouldn't respond if it was me. Hopefully, he will come around. If not, at least you won't be listening to him belittle you. Also, some counseling might help you feel better. It made me feel better when I was dealing with this situation. I hope you son acts better, and no matter what he says, remember that you are a wonderful and valuable person. Stick close to your other kids for support and hang in there! God bless!

hev53 · Nov 12, 2007, 12:52 PM

Very helpful. Thank you a bless you

sd1025 · Jan 29, 2008, 12:43 AM

I'm so very sorry for you but I agree w/peggyhill, there is no way you deserve that sort of treatment especially not a second time around, tell your son to leave you alone until he can keep a civil tongue and possibly find out if your ex told him something false to gain an alie, I know a lot of divorced parents that take that somewhat sleazy route.

lacuran8626 · Jan 30, 2008, 10:45 AM

Don't be so understanding! He is doing what his father taught him to do and take no more of it from him than you are willing to continue taking from his father.

If he's rude say, "I will not tolerate rudeness from you". If he is abusive, ask him to leave.

It's a weird cycle but the more an abusive person abuses you, the less respect they have for you trying to be tolerant and understanding and forgiving about it. Stand up for yourself and perhaps he will start seeing from your example that you are deserving of respect.

If he doesn't include you in something, ignore it. If he brings up the thing later, like showing you his vacation pictures, just say, "I'm not interested, thank you. I was hurt that you didn't email me when you did everyone else, so please don't ever mention that trip to me again."

His only appropriate response would be an apology. If you get any mouth back, ask him to leave.

Do not give him a darned thing. Let him start earning your respect and caring. As long as you put up with the abuse, it will continue. As a mother it's your responsibility to teach him to respect you, and albeit a little late for the lesson, it's not too late.

Handyman2007 · May 1, 2008, 05:34 PM

Yes, It sounds as if he has been poisoned against you and is acting out on it. I would not allow him any leeway at all with this. Just tell him that when he feels secure enough to talk to you about any issues he may have, that you prefer no contact with him. I would also state that his behaviour mimics his father's and you are not appreciative of that.

This in MY opinion.

ladyhdrider · May 13, 2008, 10:51 AM

I sympathize with you because I have a 35 year old daughter that verbally attacked me for the first time on Christmas Eve. It blind-sided me and I was devastated. I still don't understand why she's so angry with me she doesn't want to see me. On a worse note, my 3 granddaughters, 9,10 & 12, saw her do it, and I know they've heard her say things in my absence because the last time I saw them, they just stared at me. They didn't want to come over on Easter, which hurt immensely. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there's not much more that anyone could do to hurt a parent than having a grown child reject them like this. I did receive a card in the mail for Mother's Day and was delighted, even though it was very impersonal and she just signed her name and nothing else. I hope she sent it because she doesn't want to totally dissolve our relationship. I don't e-mail her because the last time I did on Valentines Day, she told me she just dreaded my e-mail. She's the only daughter I have and it hurts beyond words. I have 2 grown sons that don't feel that way. She's never been close to them, so there have been no discussions between her and them about this. There is one thing I have concluded from my daughter's treatment though. That is, I have hurt so much, but I have to keep living. I'm hurt, but I can't help but be angry. I'll wait for her though. If she ever realizes that she is so completely wrong about who she thinks I am, maybe one day she'll come back to me. Until then, I can't tolerate being treated and talked to in that manner. We love our children more than they can imagine and we don't ask for much in return. We do, however, deserve respect for doing the best job we knew how to do in raising them. I hope your son realizes soon how valuable you are in his life and there is no replacement for you. Please hang in there and I will too.

melody6150 · Jan 24, 2012, 06:22 PM

I have two sons . One is at university and I thought we were OK .we had arguments and he was very abusive . I got very angry. I'm glad he's at university , but it hurts he went two hundred miles away.I stayed single to raise them.I tried to get it right and put them first. Now my youngest son is rude and ungrateful , he leaves dirty dishes and clothes for me even when I'm ill. I have no one else my friends live two hours away because of a stalker that made my life hell so I moved to Hunstanton . I hate it here and my son makes my life worse. I look forward to him going to university. I have done my best on a very low income.
So I am moving back. I can't wait . I need my life . My boys father phoned once a year if they were lucky. Yet I am the bad guy as usual.
My advice to any one putting up with an abusive son or daughter is Don't know matter how much it hurts . Put you'r self first and really mean it. We all have one life . And I want mine. They need to learn some respect.If it wasn't for us they could be in care.Then they could have a reason to moan at us. BUT THEN AGAIN THANK YOU WHO EVER YOU ARE FOR CARING .

sallyanne · Mar 8, 2012, 02:11 AM

You have done very, very well to have one son at University after raising two on a low income and single handed. The fact he is two hundred miles away does not matter. It was the place he fancied and I am sure his choice had little to do with his relationship with you, (even if he says it has!) You do not say how old the youngest boy is. Teen and early twenty (still late adolescent) males can be a nightmare. His behaviour sounds like a young man with no mature male (father figure) to keep his behaviour in check. Their father is an irresponsible, nasty piece of work and you are admirable to have stuck by your sons and brought them up alone. I have done the same. Now a lot older than you and retired. You need support and I also know what it is like to move somewhere where I knew no-one and had no friends. When you are already struggling, there are nasty elements in society that will victimise you, (your stalker). My eldest son is still, in his forties and with his own family, rude, abusive and uncaring. But I am proud of what I achieved in bringing him up. You are entitled to your own life and I hope you get out and get it. Keep on valuing yourself. I will be thinking of you.