[DJ 'H']

Hey guys,

When I was 10yrs my Mum and Dad got divorced. It was very hard for me and growing up I have not really had much to do with my Dad; which is sad because I was always a Daddy's girl.

My mum remarried when I was 12yrs and since then my Step-Dad has always been there for me. I look to him as if he were my Dad, Now my mum and Step-Dad have split up. My step-Dad has moved out and I find myself once again feeling very lost and rather upset. I have witnessed my family break down for the second time and I really don't know what to do. I am 21yrs old and although I have my own life to lead and I am trying to carry on the best I can; I still find myself feeling the same way I did when I was 10yrs; only now I am old enough to understand everything. My Step-Dad has only been gone a few days but the hiuse seems so empty without him and I really feel like I am going to loose the close bond I have with him and that I am won't see him as much as I would like to.

What do I do??

[fredg]

Hi,
I am sorry to read this. It is happening all across America, with over half the marriages in the US ending in divorce. It's too easy to leave someone, and the majority of the time, children end up worse off than the parents.
I am not saying you are a child; far from it.
I am 63 yrs old, married 28 yrs, and I really hope you can get over this. I know it's hard, because my first marriage ended in divorce, after 7 yrs, with 2 small sons.
The best thing you can do is to talk with others about it. There must be some free groups in your local area that deal with separation and divorce. Talking with others with similar experiences always helps to know you are not alone. Maybe by searching through your local yellow pages in the phone book will produce some phone numbers of different types of Support Groups.
Keep in touch with your Step-Dad, and maybe he will want to stay in touch with you. I do sincerely hope you can go on with your life. At 21, you do have the rest of your life ahead of you. Meeting new people will help, and talking about it will help a lot. Thank you for posting your question, and I am sure you will get many more answers than just this one.

[DJ 'H']

My Step-Dad came over last night and I was chuffed to bit's. My mum just kept getting pissed off saying "why isn't he giving me Space". She does not seem to understand that he has had to leave his home and his family. He looks so lost & empty and I am trying to be there for him but my mum always seems to think I am taking sides. The truth of the matter is my Step-Dad is worse off than anyone of us. My mum still has her home, Me & my two brothers. My step-Dad is back at his parents house on his own. She is being so selfish and so awful to my step dad. I just sat at the top of the stairs last night with my head in my lap and tears rolling down my face just listening to my Mum talk to my Step-Dad like he was a piece of dirt. He is a really good Man and he is trying to do right by my Mum but obviously finds it hard being away from me and my two brothers.

I DJ and asked him to help me out on Saturday (even though I don't need the help) just as a way of spending some time with him.

How can I tell my mum she is being unfair without making her feel like I am going against her??

[fredg]

Hi,
This is really a sad situation. You love your step-dad, and your Mom is treating him like dirt.
From what you say, your step-dad still loves you, your Mom, and your family.
I am so sorry to say that I really don't know how to approach your Mom, telling her she is being unfair.
But, maybe you could suggest she and your step-dad go, together, to a professional Marriage Counselor? That is just a thought, just some way of trying to have them together, talking with someone about all this.
You Mom obviously doesn't see what this is doing to you and the family. I do wish I had some better advice, but don't. Maybe you could talk your Mom into going with you, together, and talk with some type of Professional about it.
I do hope you can come to accept what is happening, and the only thing I can think of is to keep seeing your step-day, helping him cope. Maybe the two of you together can comfort each other.

[DJ 'H']

I spoke to my Mum last night about how I felt and she just made out I was being selfish. She really does not see that this affects the whole family and not just her. My Step-Dad dropped my little brother off last night after playing football and it was so hard watching him drive away.

Luckily my Step-Dad is coming along with me to DJ on Saturday; so I will have a chance to spend some time with him.

Thank you for you help & support Fredg in what is such a hard time for me. I really appreciate it - my friends don't really understand because their parents are still together.

[rkim291968]

Continue to support your step-dad. At age 21, even if your step-dad and mom are spliting up permanently, you can continue to have healthy relationship with your step-dad. I just hope your step-dad can get over things and have access to your siblings who may be under-aged.

[DJ 'H']

One of my brothers (Lee) is 23yrs and my other brother (Jake) is 8yrs. My step-dad is actually Jakes real Dad; so I can see that this must been taking it's toll on him. I think that's why my step-dad is trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. My mum says she wants to do the same but she justs moans all the time that he keeps coming round. I just can't win with her.

Your right; being 21yrs I am able to make my own mind up and continue to have a healty relationship with my step-dad. I am just very worried; purely because of what happened with my real dad all those years ago.

I text my Step-dad every night to say good night; as I would usually come in home have a chat with I'm and then go on to bed. I just want him to know I am there for him now and always. I love him so much, I love my Mum too - I feel torn sometimes.

[DJ 'H']

I am starting to deal with things now and accept the situation for what it is.

My step-dad and I keep in contact through text messages and have made plans to spend Saturday together.

My house seems rather empty and there has been talks of selling up (which is really sad) but if there is one thing I have learned change is something that happens all the time and it's always hard - but we always adapt. My step-dad and I will always have a farther-daughter relationship - I just hope that when he meets another women, she will be able to accept me as if I were his daughter. I would hate for there to me anymore friction.

My mum seems to be a lot happier having her own space and my step-dad - well I am not too sure. I have not really spoken to him about the sitaution and I have only seen him once or twice for a few minutes on each occasion. They are communicatiing better now and the fighting has stopped. They are taking things a day at a time to work they back to a friendship (as they were good friends before they ended up together nearly 10yrs ago now).

I guess time will heal old wounds and things always have to get worse before they get better.

Thank you fredg & rkim291968 for your help. Yours words really did enable to me to put things in perspective. Although it's hard and a horrible thing to happen right before xmas - I need to be grateful they are alive & well and that I can still see them. There are people worse off than me that have lost their loved ones. So that is something I should be thankful for.

[DJ 'H']

I really don't know what to do? My mum is so stressed out she cannot stop crying. She is throwing herself into her work but she is really over doing it. She is so bad she put Petrol into her car yesterday and she has a deisel. She is all over the place and nothing I say or do helps and she seems to think I am against her. She is losing her grip and I am really worried she is heading for a breakdown? What do I do??

[DJ 'H']

So my mum and step-dad split up and things have been really rocky; but now I am totally clueless.

My mum is so stressed out she cannot stop crying. She is throwing herself into her work but she is really over doing it and is all over the place. She is so bad she put Petrol into her car yesterday and she has a deisel. Nothing I say or do helps and she seems to think I am against her. She is losing her grip and I am really worried she is heading for a breakdown? I have said she needs to go and see the Doctor for some help; but she won't (she is very stubborn) It is killing me to watch my Mum go through this and I feel so helpless.

My Step-Dad is trying to help and be there for her too (even thiugh they have split - because he cares and is a good man) - he has taken the car to get it sorted, so that my mum does not have to worry and can concentrate on herself - but she justs seems to get angry whenever he is around.

What do I do - I am falling apart - this is something I am toatlly clueless on and really cannot cope with.

[RickJ]

My take, DJ: Don't try to talk to her about it for now. Instead, give a hug, tell her you love her, invite her to take a walk - or go to the movies with you... keep conversation to about the two of you, things you have in common, etc. but don't mention her grief.

Let it come out when she is ready.

[DJ 'H']

I have been able to do that with my Step-Dad - but my mum is not so co-operative. I can see she does not like me spending time with my Step-Dad. I am looking after my little brother too who is 8yrs old as he gets very upset and is really playing up. He seems to do what I tell him to and is really clinging to me at the moment - but he won't listen to anyone else.

My mum just does not want to know at all at the moment. I will have another crack and let you know how I get on. Thank you for your help!

[RickJ]

I hope for the best for you.

I have been there, and know that being in the middle of the two - caring for both - is a difficult position to be in.

[DJ 'H']

You've hit the nail on the head. My Step-Dad I view as my dad (my bilogical dad has never been there for me and does not really give a damn about me) but my step-dad always ensure I am OK and that I always have everything I need even though I am 21Yrs have my own job and my own money. He always helps me out when I am stuck and drops everything when I am in a crsis - hence why this is so hard.

When My mum & Dad split up I was only 10yrs so I can see through my little brothers (Jake) eyes and understand what he is going through. (My step-dad is Jakes real dad). The difference is my dad is an arsehole whereas my Step-Dad is a very good, kind hearted man - so it has got to be a lot worse for him than it was for me. I am able to help Jake because he is in the same position as me (just too young to understand) - My brtoher Lee is 23yrs and is coping his own way by playing ignorant.

I just get so upset watching my family fall apart. I feel like I am the only one trying to hold everything together.

[Wildcat21]

I know from many mistakes that all you can do is listen. Hugs help. Woman, as I have found out the hard way, never want you to solve their problems.

Why did the ysplit? Your spet Dad seems like a good guy. Was he too available to her and she got sick and repulsed by him? Is Too nice to her? Too good? (seriously, some woman can't handle a really nice guy) - may be he neverput her in her place?

All I know is things WILL get better. This is the worst of the storm. Let her stort it out - if she can't be with this man then let that happen.

Is there another man? I mean - that's what usually happens - she's confused and in love with someone else - happens a lot.

[lilfyre]

Separation is hard for every one; you can not make her go to the doctor unless she wants to go. If in the event she has become a danger to herself then it is a different story. Wrong fuel in the car, I have not done that yet with the stress that is in my home but I have done something just as bad. Try to helping out in way that’s she does not see. Water the plants, take the trash out just be there for when she needs you. Be strong, stay together, working hard is a way for her to deal with this. In time she will settle, and then you will be there to help her pick up the shattered parts of her life.

[one_life]

Why did the ysplit? Your spet Dad seems liek a good guy. Was he too available to her and she got sick and repulsed by him? is Too nice to her? Too good? (seriously, some woman can't handle a really nice guy) - may be he neverput her in her place?


Is there another man? I mean - that's what usually happens - she's confused and in love with someone else - happens a lot.

Wildcat, why do you care why they separated. It is not important. Why do you have to always spill that over and over again. "Was he too nice, women hate that." We get it!! Give it a break! There are other one million reasons women leave men and visa versa.
That kind of advise is not called for in this situation. All she is asking is how to help her mother and step dad in dealing with the breakup.

[Wildcat21]

Easy killer. It's important. She needs to figure out it wasfor the best.

And there are actually only a couple reasons woman leave men. The easiset one is "I just don't feel it".

DJ "H" needs some closure as well.

[nymphetamine]

I could be the only one who reacts to things this way but the last thing I want is the man who I was just broken up with hanging around me. Some men seem to think that telling you honey I'm having an affair or honey I'm dumping you for no apparent reason or a stupid reason and then hanging around you is helping. She could be like me and just wants him out of her face right now. She need some breathing room to think it through and him being there to remind her of the hurt is not working.

[DJ 'H']

My Mum left mystep-dad because she doesn't love him anymore. There is no one else.

My mum and I were getting on a bit better last night - although I woke up to find her really laying into my 8yr old brother this morning - which is wrong! My little brother would not do as she said and he was playing up something chronic (again which is wrong) but as soon as I got out of bed and asked my brother to do what was being asked of him he did it straight away without any arguments. He does the same for my step-dad - but not my mum. So now I am wondering what is going through my littles brothers head? How can you explain to an 8yr old that Mummy is not to blame?