[ryaninvegas]

[please dont flame me for retitleing my post- its more appropriate, message flows better and im in dire need of more coucil]
We were together for 1.5ys. We were very happy and she was CRAZY about me. I broke up with her 3 months ago because I needed some space. I needed my independence. Especially before getting married to this girl. But I just told her that I wanted to break up. She was devastated and cried and cried to me. I was certain with my position. We continued to speak for 1 month afterwhich she started to disappear. That's when I wanted her back. I suddenly realized how much I loved this girl and what I had in front of me. She started getting VERY cold and then I found out she met someone. They were already "hanging out" after only 1 month or so... he was "really nice to her" and showed chivalry and suddenly I was "really bad to her" and all our memories were replaced with negative times. But she said that I was reading into things and she was "only hanging out" with him. She told me "she just needed time" and that "when she was ready, I wasnt and now that im ready, she isnt." this was immediately followed by several weeks of my groveling to her, over the phone, crying, pleading with her to come back. To no resolve... she became even colder and spiteful, it would seem. I felt she had a vengeance. She would occasionally send a text or instant message but nothing special.
I asked her to just to say "I dont ever want to talk to you again" or "i dont want to ever be with you" (so I could get some closure) but she wouldn't! She would just say "i dont know" or "i dont know what to say"
This continues till this day. It is now month 3 and she is staying with her new friend. She really doesn't call me anymore. She wrote me an email recently, after I told her I had to move on also and that I was going to date someone. She was jealous, asked questions, then cried. She emailed me that night

""""I called your phone a few hours ago and it had nothing to do with you being with another girl. I knew you weren't going to answer your phone, but that was the last time you are going to see my cell number pop up on your cell. I really wish you answered, but I'm sure you got the crazy voice mail from Optomus Prime. I wanted to end off on a funny note.
I have to be completely honest with you; I can't be your friend...at least not right now. I'm not ready for that. I'm glad you are going out with girls and dating, but I really don't want to hear about it. You were the one I wanted to marry and have babies with (you have been the only one that I have felt that way about...EVER!) I really don't want to hear about how you are moving on, hents why I don't like to tell you whats going on in my life. Its not easy to hear therefore I don't want to share it with you. (I never wanted to say anything that would make you sad or cry) I have to admit you made me cry today at work. I had to leave my desk and one of the attorneys followed me outside and asked if I was alright. That's great you are dating a few girls, but you know that I fell hard for you and then you were gone and I was dealing with it alone. I'm in no way asking you to wait for me, I would never ask that of you, but please don't think I am jaded or an unforgiving person. You know I tried very hard to keep US together. The relationship I am in right now made me realize I shouldn't have to work to make the relationship work...and it really makes me sad about you and me. But then again the hard work was worth the year we were together. You know you had my heart and yes you will always have a piece of it. It has been bruised and scared, but I am now looking at them as a learning experience.

I hope nothing but the best for you in life and your career...I have always felt that way. You know I have love for you and that will not change, but I'm not in the situation to be in love with you. I hope this does not upset you in any way...""""

She says:
Her: (11:52:03 AM): When you broke up with me you forced me to get over you. And you can't say you weren't breaking up with me and only taking a break. I cried and cried on the phone with you. If you really felt that you weren't breaking up with me you would have fixed things then
Her: (11:52:44 AM): so by you breaking up with me, you forced me to move on
Her: (11:52:59 AM): even though you had other plans in your head, I had to move on
Her: (11:55:45 AM): and now you make me feel guilty

Is there any hope after acting so needy? Our last conversation was on the cheerier side (we shared some laughs) but I did ask her a bunch of needy questions. I have since gone NC:
Me (11:23:46 AM): (assuming you wernt with your guy) do you still wish we worked out?
Her (11:24:32 AM): yes
Her (11:24:37 AM): but it didn't work out that way
Me (11:24:28 AM): (assuming you wernt with your guy) would you have come back too me if you hadent met him?
Her (11:25:22 AM): yes
Her (11:25:25 AM): probably
Me (11:26:10 AM): do you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place?
Her (11:26:42 AM): no
Me(11:23:46 AM): (assuming you wernt with your guy) do you still wish we worked out?
Her(11:24:32 AM): yes
Me(11:28:26 AM): (assuming you wernt with your guy) would you ever still be interested in coming back?
Her(11:29:59 AM): yes, but I don't know if that would happen
Her(11:30:06 AM): me not being with him
Her(11:30:13 AM): and Im not asking you to wait
Me(1:33:50 PM): (assuming you wernt with your guy) do you still miss us
Her(1:36:12 PM): Im not going to lie to you
Her(1:36:15 PM): yes I miss you
Her(1:36:25 PM): but I am really happy with where I am at
Me(1:36:47 PM): (assuming you wernt with your guy) would you want to reconcile us?
Her(1:37:24 PM): I would, but I cant
Me: (assuming you wernt with your guy) would you come back to me?
Her:I already answered that
Her: you know I would

THIS WAS OUR LAST CONVERSATION
I don't know if this is BS or what she's doing... stringing me along? Giving me false hope?
She would come back if she wasn't committed?

Im so confused and depressed over this. I just don't know what to think! Ive never been such a baby with my emotions over this but she has my heart and I want her back!

So I know she wanted time early on and I didn't really give it to her. Is the recent NC going to change anything?
It's been 8 days NC... and I'm going crazy. Please help me get her back. Does NC really make her miss me more or just separate us further?? :confused: its so hard to breath

[s_cianci]

You broke up with her, you made your decision and it was your right to make it. You felt that you were doing what was best for you. But then you gave your power away by begging, pleading, etc. and naturally she said no. After all, you hurt her once so why should she give you the opportunity to hurt her again? I'm also curious as to why you suddenly wanted her again after she "disappeared" and started seeing someone else? Did the reasons you broke up with her in the first place suddenly and magically resolve themselves? My gut tells me no. It seems like you only wanted her when she was no longer available and no doubt she realized that as well. It sounds like she's very wisely made the decision to move on and you should do the same. I'm sure you'll take whatever lessons from this you feel are relevant but one thing I hope you learn is that neediness is a big turn-off and to want someone only when they're not available is self-defeating. By the same token, never build your life strictly around one person. Women are a part of your life, Not your life.

[ryaninvegas]

Is there anything I can say to her... somehow prove its not just for those reasons. Its not. Our last conversation went okay and we laughed a couple times. Should there be any final words? Should she KNOW I'm willing to wait for her?
Such as:
"is there any hope for us... i know i did a bad thing. it was more a misunderstanding... i didnt explain my position and how i felt at the time. i know i messed it up. youre right about me mistreating you and being insensitive in your time of need. i woould do ANYTHING to be together (again) forever"

-or-

First of all, you need to understand that I care for you and miss you genuinely and it has nothing to do with the fact that you're just gone or seeing someone else. Its frustrating to think you would think that, but I figure you do.

I would like to say that I'm sorry I ever hurt you, sorry that I was so insensitive. I realize what a mistake I made. But your happiness is what's important to me. Although I wish you would give us (marriage/kids/together forever) another chance, I won't bother you and I will respect your space.

I just miss you so much...

[angelp]

Hey I feel for u, but it really looks like you hurt her pretty bad and she's just protecting herself from being hurt again. And yes it does look like she's not sure if you really love her. First of all, make sure that you do really love and want her and its not just because she's with someone else. Now, give her her space.
She sounds like she does have feelings for you but she is also happy in her new relationship. Give her space and time to clear out her feelings and decide. Stop begging her. Tell her for once you are sorry you ever hurted her (and its sounds like you really did, I don't think you handled that well) sorry that you were so insensitive. And that now you realised what a mistake you made. But tell her (and you shuld believe this) that its her happiness thts important. Tell her that although you hope she will give you another chance, you won't bother her and you will give her her space. And then do just that. If you keep begging her now you are just pushing her away. Tell her to give you a definite answer when she's ready, even if it takes long. And when she does... respect it. If she wants to stay with this guy, leave her and move on.
I hope it works for you but I hve to say, you really hurt her. I understand what she must be going through too.

[s_cianci]

should she KNOW im willing towait for her?

That's just it ; you shouldn't "wait" for her. She's moved on and you need too also. Let this experience make you all the more ready to be successful in your next relationship.

[Jiser]

Well your fault. If an ex who broke up with me were to say: "I am so sorry for hurting you. I made a mistake, I was a complete idiot, I want you back!" Then I would have a think about the situation.

If she has a new guy, leave her to it. Get on with your life. You made a mistake, if you were honest to her and stated what a mistake you had made but she wasn't interested then let it go.

[ryaninvegas]

I did the splitting. She has abirthday this Thursday. Right now there's nc but I think I should send a simple card with my name, that's it

[enigmagnetic]

Do that but then back off. If she comes back to you then you assess whether you take her back. If you keep at it you are only hurting yourself. You have to keep moving forward. It's the only way. You chose this path and you must walk it. Along it if you encounter her then think of it then.

[ryaninvegas]

I miss her sooo much. I'm not a bad person. I just needed to figure out if this is what I wanted... and it is. I needed time to figure out if she's the one for me. I love her so much. I made the biggest mistake ever and I would do anything to get her back... is there ANYTHING a nice guy can do to get this girl back? Any lasting words that would not imply neediness or desperation but would benefit US coming together...

"i made a poor decision. but i never stopped loving you. im so sorry things happend like they did. i know we're still in eachother's hearts."

[enigmagnetic]

A nice guy would do the right thing, and in this case it's letting go. I would say this;

"I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I will always care for you and I hope the best for you. In time I hope we come to heal and only have fondness for our memories. Take care of yourself and always be happy."

Then you walk away. The best thing you can do is let her have the life she wants. Let her be happy. You've already tried to get her back.

With every ex I've had they have always come back eventually. Some have wanted to be friends others have just wanted to get back together. It's the right thing to do. What's crazier is that when my ex's came back after some time for the most part I didn't want to get back with them. You both need time to assess things. She is actually doing the right thing. She realized life isn't a game. She was with you but when you hurt her she realized she needed to find out what she really wanted. Furthermore, I think the relationship she is in now is a rebound. If she is in fact crying at work over you while she is dating someone else than he is clearly a rebound. Now if she is lying, then she is a liar, two circumstances you need to give yourself space from. Good luck.

[ryaninvegas]

Thanks for your advice. With regard to the rebound possibility, its been 3 months since our breakup, 2 months since she's known I've been trying to get her back. She started seeing him around 2 months ago and now stays with him at his house. Maybe it's a rebound, but she's getting closer to him... I don't know
Either way I guess I should move on because there is no hope. Everyone seems to think that it won't work out. I'm so dissapointed in myself for doing this. I obviously am learning a lesson here. Quite a few lessons...
But I hate what I've done! I really wish I didn't have to lose her! This'll be my last post guys

[Synnen]

Ryan... you're not going to get her back.

You broke her heart because you didn't communicate with her--and frankly " i needed my independence. especially before getting married to this girl." is completely wrong.

If you needed your independence before getting married, then you weren't (and aren't) ready to be married. If she meant enough to you to marry, then every day leading up to the wedding should be a day that's exciting, not filled with anxiety because "you needed your independence"

You broke up with her for the wrong reasons, you want to get back with her for the wrong reasons. You want something easy, something you know works--but guess what? Relationships take 2 people to work.

If you love her, let her go. Do NC, and move on with your life. If you're not willing to put her happiness before your own, then you don't really love her.

[ryaninvegas]

Sorry last thing...
In my situation, I suspect she may be rebounding
NC or is small talk okay? To maintain friendship...
"goodmorning" etc...

[Synnen]

I would do NC for a little while. Let you both figure out who you are completely without the other.

I've stayed friends with many of my exes, mostly because we could give each other space immediately after the breakup, and had friends in common we could hang out with after we got on our feet.

[AustProd6]

I'm sorry but you need to here this:
Your Village called, they're missing there Idiot!

You cannot play with people lives and emotions so you can sort out your s#@t.
Then you cannot expect them to drop everything and come running back to you.
I am in the same delema only in her shoes.
She wants you to pay as much as you have hurt her. She wants to teach you a lesson. She has that right.
She wants to let you know that you cannot trample all over her and treat her cheaply.
She is angry. You need to donate a kidney to her or something buddy.
Dumped her then wants her back. Crikey, communicate to fix the problem or just plain grow up.
Sorry. It touched a bone and I feel for her.

[madaman]

I have been in your position in an old relationship, and the same thing happened to me. I thought I needed time to sort things out after 3.5 years (in retrospect I knew she wasn't the one) but after a month or two apart from her I really missed her and wanted her back but she was with someone else. I was pretty messed up for a good year, but I deserved it for doing what I did, as it was total hell that I put her through. She is happily married now, and I can look back and not be upset over what happened. The turning point for me was when I stopped talking to her/trying to get her back.

It really sucks, but its completely deserved for what you put her through. It might sound harsh but you need to leave her alone now. Take this as one of those hard life lessons and move on to better things.