Check out some similar questions!

juliepann · Nov 10, 2007, 03:27 PM

Thanks!

Wondergirl · Nov 10, 2007, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by juliepann

I will look into some community programs!

Remember, the teens who are sent to me are court-ordered. They have gotten into trouble and have been ordered to do X number of hours at a non-profit organization.

Of course, I also supervise teens who want to be able to put on their college applications the fact that they volunteered at a public library. Your son should be able to get volunteer work at a library or a nursing home or an animal/people shelter. He will find out he's not the only person in the world and will figure out that things he does will make others very happy.

froggy7 · Nov 10, 2007, 05:24 PM

Another thing that you might try doing is color-coding items, and making people pick up after themselves. One person has a green plate, the next red, the next yellow, etc. What gets into the kitchen gets washed. If it doesn't get to the kitchen, then they get to eat their next meal off a dirty plate. Same with laundry. If he leaves his dirty clothes lying around, then he gets to wear dirty clothes. And no way in the world should you be giving him money because he's blown his paycheck. When he comes to you complaining that he doesn't have the money he needs for his latest desire, sympathize about how rough that is, give advice about saving money, give him a hug and walk away. He's living at home, and this is the time that he needs to learn about how to handle finances. Bailing him out is the worst thing that you can do.

ashleynbrett88 · Nov 10, 2007, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by juliepann

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?

I am 18 almost 19.. and personally I think you should totally make him pay.. if he refuses or gives you a hard time, which most likely will happen.. then suggest that if he plans on staying there that he has to help out.. even if you don't want him to leave just try and scare him.. or if that doesn't work.. (which this one might work better.. it's what I get) you should maybe give him some kind of motivation.. like you will buy him a new game or you will help out with his car.. or something along those lines.. make it be something he can't refuse.

Stringer · Nov 10, 2007, 05:38 PM

Some pretty good advice from most posters here Juliepann. Think about it Mom, if he goes out in the world like he is now without you're trying something to change him, he will have problems.

OMG.. another example of "that" kind of guy that all the single and married women complain about. Seriously, he needs a wake up call and it seems you are ready to give him one.

Good luck, build the ranks of the "good" guys,

Stringer

godiva · Nov 10, 2007, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by juliepann

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?

How about giving him the option of helping out or paying for his keep? It all about teaching him responsibility and he may appear to hate you for it now but He love you for it don the line. Either way it will be his choice!

NowWhat · Nov 12, 2007, 08:03 AM

When I was growing up, I was one of four kids. We had our "to do" lists. If it wasn't done, we didn't go out or do fun things.
If something wasn't working for our parents - it was time for a family meeting. We would get set down and told that things were about to change. They told us what they expected of us.
My dad left lists for each of us everyday. And we knew we had better get them done. We did NOT get an allowance. So, we did what were told so we could keep a chunk of our butt. :)
I don't think there is anything wrong with charging him a food fee. It sounds like he is using your house like a hotel - if he can't be responsible for his part in any other way - take it from where he will feel it the most.

Also, don't let him treat you like a bank - you are not. By you giving him money after he has spent his - he won't learn how to manage what he has.

I could go on - but your question was about grocery money.

arleneharlow · Nov 12, 2007, 03:03 PM

You seem very defensive about anything anyone writes about your question so if you have all the answers then why are you asking us how to raise your children??

arleneharlow · Nov 12, 2007, 03:05 PM

Oh yeah and where is the father figure?? I bet he would not be acting like such a punk if he had a stern figure in his life not a pushover!!

juliepann · Nov 12, 2007, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by juliepann

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?

Im Not being defensive just because I say I didn't spoil him. I guess you would just have to know the whole situation. His daddy died of cancer 2 years ago. They were really close. It was extremely hard on him. You're right. If his daddy were here, he would be different. I don't know all the answers. I just love my son and hope he will grow mature one day. I will do whatever it takes to help him get there. I don't know why you took an attitude with me. I found your advice kind of helpful. Im not looking for a debate. Just a little sound advice . It sounds like you want an argument. You're not me and you don't know what its like to have a son who has lost his dad while he was a teen. I am a pushover because Im trying to be 2 parents. Im doing the best I can and sometimes I need a little advice. I thought that was this board was for. I don't think I ask you imparticular. I just asked hoping someone may be dealing with the same issue could help.

juliepann · Nov 12, 2007, 03:33 PM

Thanks!

juliepann · Nov 12, 2007, 03:34 PM

I have given him the option. He chooses to p/u after himself but then still doesn't. Thanks for trying to help!

jillianleab · Nov 12, 2007, 07:30 PM

julie, I think you have been receptive to our advice, and of course it's difficult because none of us know the particulars of your situation, and most importantly, none of us know your son. But I think you are demonstrating an effort since you've come here looking for suggestions.

Since you've clued us in to your son's father's recent death, has this behavior been getting worse as time goes on? Is your son in therapy about dealing with his father's death? A lot of high schools have actual therapists on site for students to talk to; you might want to encourage that if he's not seeing someone already. It's tough to lose a parent - especially to something like cancer if he saw his dad deteriorating. Talking to someone might help him a lot.

As far as your hope for him to grow mature, I think that's what all parents want. You're in a unique situation being a single mom, and I'm sure you feel obligated to be a pushover. But the time is coming where your son is getting older, and will be on his own soon. Now is the time to start pushing him in the right direction and hoping he figures it out on his own. You don't have to shove him off a cliff - but you have to start letting him figure out how to make it on his own.

mjl · Nov 12, 2007, 07:46 PM

Remind him how very soon he will have to move out on his own and will have to do all of the adult reponsiblities himself. Make him get a job so he learns this, and he will come around.

Wondergirl · Nov 12, 2007, 08:56 PM

Originally Posted by juliepann

you dont know what its like to have a son who has lost his dad while he was a teen. I am a pushover because Im trying to be 2 parents. Im doing the best i can

Julie, this additional information makes all the difference in the world! My thoughts when I read your original post were that your son is taking advantage of you. Now I'm thinking he's depressed over his father's death and needs to talk it out with someone not in the family. He needs to vent and to cry and to scream and to hate God and to bargain and to go through all the stages that survivors go through. All he's doing right now is avoiding life, or at least avoiding his family who probably are also feeling the lost of their husband and father.

I suggest the entire family get into counseling, even if it's only a half a dozen sessions. You all probably need to learn how to grieve and how to support each other and how to cope with this loss. If money is a consideration, most counselors have a sliding scale. The county human resources department is another possibility and may even sponsor grief support groups.

My heartfelt wishes are to you all.

N0help4u · Nov 13, 2007, 06:13 PM

Many kids go through this. It is important to make them have some kind of responsibility.

There is nothing wrong with making him pay. He should contribute somehow and if he isn't going to by helping around the house he should pay something so he can learn some form of responsibility. As long as he can come and go and do as he pleases he will learn an irresponsible pattern.
Since you are worried about taking money from him use the money to buy milk, cereal and things you typically buy for him. I have even heard of parents starting an account with the kids money and not telling them about it. Then when they are grown and move out they give it to them to help get them started being on their own.

jjstrickland88 · Nov 15, 2007, 07:54 AM

Originally Posted by juliepann

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?

I think what you should do is don't ask, tell him, say if you are going to stay here and lay around like you own the place then you are going to start helping out around the house. If that means doing laundry for your mother or taking out the trash, or even put groceries in the house once a month. Don't let him run you, just always remember you are the parent not him. and you decide what your kids do.