[jolienoire]

I have to ask this question as I have been reading many women post. Women seem to think that if a man stops having sex that there is a possibility that he is cheating.. I need some clarification.. Men what are your reasons for not wanting to get intimate with your mate anymore?


My question for women is do we often confuse sex with love? The more sex we receive= the more our partner loves us??

Need some imput!

[Sdjosh]

There are many reasons a man might not want to have sex... other than cheating.

Stress... self esteem issues... family issues... a death in the family... depression... problems down there...

You just have to have a good line of communication with him. Talk about it and work it out.

But if he is cheating... then catch him at it.

[jolienoire]

I agree with your statement about men and stress and their libido... Men who have more stress tend to not want sex, I know this being in the nursing field, how your mind has such an impact on your sexual desires... I know this but then I have other women who automatically responds that the man is cheating... Just thought I would ask and hopefully women will see men responses.. Or maybe sometimes we as women stop doing the work and just expect our partners to stand at attention when we enter the room.

[Sdjosh]

Its amazing how outside influences can affect ones sexual libido. It works for both sexes as well. My ex didn't have self confidence and was stressed because of school. We maybe had sex once a month. But later on I found out that the real problem was much bigger.

[kp2171]

well it just goes againt the stereotype that all men are sexual maniacs all the time...

as said physical issues are real... atherosclerosis/high blood pressure/diabetes tied to E.D... depression, tiredness play a role... drinking, medication, smoking, etc...

but you know all that. That's not really your question, or rather I think you are more interested in the psycholigical nuances... especially a woman's interpretation of diminished sexual drive.

something that nobody likes to talk about and will probably do no good for the women already mentally in distress (but I think needs to be addressed) is the concept of "newness"... that is, just about everyone is raging with hormones when you start to date, and then it can taper off.

well... when I was 16 years old I remember having steel piercing erections from the bumpy bus ride to school. I remember going through the roof just getting a glimpse at a girls bra or panties. The mind was completely open with wonder and amazement about what it must be like to make out, neck, have sex, receive oral, etc...

now... having "been there and done that" I'm still enthusiastic about the whole thing... but some of the wonder is lost. I like the rides at disneyland, but some of the unknown element is gone. Doesn't mean I don't want to go back!

now the same thing happens with relationships. When you start to date that person the element of "the unknown" is large and in charge. You don't know all the answers... what do they like to do... how do they feel, smell, taste, etc... what are their sexual habits, quirks...

after some time together you know. Some people, I think, simply get bored. We stop chasing each other. Why? Why would you work harder for the person when they are still somewhat a stranger than when they are a loved one?

well, its because sex is complicated... or maybe its simple, but complicated by us morons. If wed get out of our own way most of the time itd be a lot better. Its easy to become complacent... takes little work.

my partner and I have both hit ruts sexually before. I went through a dark winter with some depression and became distant, she had some physical stresses and mental exhaustion that distracted her. It happens to the best of us.

I don't think a woman should interpret lack of sex as meaning the man is getting it somewhere else. But he certainly IS somewhere else, mentally and/or physically... and she shouldn't just accept that "this is how things just go"... sexual compatibility and satisfaction are important, and I think sometimes women are more willing to work on this than men, because its an extension of the relationship.

another example I've mentioned before is tied to the "new" factor... sort of. Its more the naughty factor. I can see my partner in the shower almost anytime I want. Walk right into the bath and shell not blink. I do. Its nice. But why do I get a different, primal charge when I see her from the other room and the leaves the door open? It's a voyeur instinct. Likewise she's dressed or undressed right in front of a window to our backyard when she knows I'm out there and likely to see her... yes, I could see her closer and up close all the time, but that again ties into the "new sensation/experience" desire. Its why new lingerie is bought. Its why I LOVE to watch my partner get undressed or dressed. I KNOW how she looks without clothes, but I love to watch her in that process, where she goes from "saying no, you can't see me naked" (dressed) to "yes, now ill let you"...

so sometimes you just need to find ways to keep the "new" angle refreshed. It might be oversimiplified and too broad of a statement, but I really think many guys are "wired" mentally to seek out many sexual partners... I think there's just some hard core connections that, in the absence of morality, commitment, etc... make a man driven for broad sexual experience... ask a young man who is a virgin if he feels any pressure to have sex outside of his own wondering. So I'm not saying its impossible for a man to be sexually monogamous and happy too... I'm saying doing that sometimes requires the supression of strong desires, or even better, the rechanneling of those desires into that same relationship by finding the "new" factor with the same partner in different ways. Takes work.

and, by the way, I'm not saying at all that women are less sexually driven naturally... some women who write in here about their sexual frustrations are clearly sexual beings who want and need satisfaction. I dated one girl who was monogomous (until she wasnt) and yet had an incredible sexual appetite. Another girl I dated made a 12x8 inch hole int the wall because I was not going to be able to come over after we planned to have sex and she was sexually frustrated. Threw a book. Big hole. Guess who got to patch and paint that?

so after all that we know what? That steel piercing erections are wasted on 16 year old boys? Well, maybe a little. Little punks.

but mostly that sexual compatibility isn't as simple as "i love you" and we find many ways to get in our own way.. be it physical or mental.

I never, ever give the short answer.