[KBC]

April deadline? Oh, that, in my siggy. I am deep in school this semester, deeper than any other. I have less time now to spend with my family, thus even less time to spend here at the desk. Last day of school is April 28.

The quitting smoking has been a little tough, but with the help of the Chantix it's much easier than cold turkey. I hope the meds work too. This is a combo I have always been able to rely on with my situational anxiety, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they work again.

How have things been going for you? Days still aren't long enough I'm sure.

Nope days are still a little short and snowy lately(and that -22 degrees stuff),but I am really doing well for this time of year(surprisingly enough)Meetings and friends in need keep me going daily,now if only the winter were over and (warm) fresh air was coming through the barn... hmmm wishfull thinking I guess.

TTYL,

Ken

[KBC]

Well since my last post I have had a loss of consciousness due to? (not sure)

My Depakote level has been increased another 500 mg. (now at 2500 mg daily) and I am swelling up like a balloon, I love food and feel ravenous while on this medication, slowly but surely I am trying to ween myself from eating for comfort.

I have had increased 'diabetic' feelings(the need for sugar, food necessity to stave off dizzy headedness, etc.)

My last episode was a few weeks ago so I am thinking this was an isolated time, not a repeat of many years ago(thank God)

The med Dr. questioned the loss of consciousness as a seizure as I am on anti seizure medications for mood stabilization! (but who knows) All meds don't work all the time for their purposes right?

Hope all are well, busy and content in life, and hope to hear from my friends soon,

KBC

[J_9]

Ken,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this trouble lately. I am left wondering if you are not experiencing side effects from the combination of meds rather than one med alone or the lack thereof. But I am sure your med Doc as considered that.

[KBC]

Combinations? Possibly but who knows.

The daily headaches are troublesome and until I have my Depakote level tested(this week) I'll not be able to discuss the over medication issue with much authority.

Thanks for the heads up on the idea of too much J

Ken

[HelenAg]

Sounds like you need a trip to the doctor no matter how far you have to go. I agree with the one post that says this sounds like a mixed episode. Bipolar disorder is nothing to take lightly. I'd get to the doctor the sooner the better.

[KBC]

Sounds like you need a trip to the doctor no matter how far you have to go. I agree with the one post that says this sounds like a mixed episode. Bipolar disorder is nothing to take lightly. I'd get to the doctor the sooner the better.

Thank you HelenAg for your response.

I can see the med Dr.about once every 2-3 months(sounds barbaric but it is the way of the system out here in the sticks.:( ) and the regular Dr. has me seeing a Dr. of Neurology tomorrow for the seizure episode.

KBC

[KBC]

OK, I am still on the meds as prescribed,not the ATARAX though, that was an 'as needed' med,although a few manic highs are to be expected, a new seizure is worse than a lack of sleep!

The EEG results are coming back soon and an MRI test tomorrow will be the next step in the process.

Thank You J for the info on the ATARAX, that will be coming up in the next chat with neurologist and med dr.

KBC

[asking]

Hi Ken,
I have been off here for a long time. I had to force myself to get some writing work done and I was finding myself spending too much time here. But I finished the chapter I was writing, so am allowing myself to visit. Very sorry to hear that you are having troubles. I hope the neurologist was able to help some. What did the MRI and EEG indicate? I don't know anything about your meds, but you have my sympathy and I agree with all who say to find out what caused you to lose consciousness. I know how easy it is to let things go when they just happen once or it's hard to get a doctor's attention. Often they tell you it's NOT something but they don't tell you what it IS. And you are left wondering.

Take care,
Asking

[debbie4]

Hi I am new so I hope I am doing it right. About saying on your medications, I am on a lot of medications right now, but I am thinking about going off some of them. I have found out that a lot of times my body will let me know if it is helping or if get is hurting me more. One thing I do know that in the U.S.A went you go to doctor's office that you are going to walk out with a prescribed medication slip. I am also a person on pain medications, and I hate it, but without it I can not do a thing for myself or family. Right how I have my nurse wanting me to go to all kinds of doctors. I do not want to do this but if I do not she will take me off the pain medications. I have been going to her for about 9 month or more, but she has told me not to come back until I have done what she told me to do. She has done this 3 times ( Not we doing about not follow what she tell me to do.) One of them was about money I own he she knows I am having A hard time paying but keeps having me do blood work done and boy I can not afford it, but know if I do know do it I will be told again not to come in. I am so mad about being on the medications in the first place Like one of you her office is 30 mile away from me. Sorry I have to go right how I am hurting so I hope I made sent. Debbie

[asking]

Hi Debbie, I too am on pain medications and formerly was on a lot more drugs. I have been able to get off several of them, with difficulty. But I am still on two Fentanyl and methadone. They help a lot but also are problematic since it doesn't take much to go into withdrawal and not be able to think clearly. This week, for example, I broke up with my boyfriend and forgot to replace a fentanyl patch, leading to major withdrawal and inability to function.

I don't understand why you are seeing a nurse for your medical care instead of a doctor. Is this a free service? Ask her to help you figure out the financial end of things. Do you have someone to help you with any of this? To help make plans and carry them out? It can be very hard when you are either coping with intense pain, or slightly fuzzy from the pain meds. I know! Good luck.
Asking

[KBC]

No further loss of consciousness since stopping atarax and increasing depakote,but I am left wondering about the lack of motivation I am going through.

Normally by this time of year I am through the depression and on to the springtime 'manic' or just normal energy.

This year is a little different than most.(in more ways than one)

I didn't hit the low this winter which I normally would, but I am also not getting out of this rut yet either,my guess is that there might be a necessity for more changes in medications.

Well Dr. KEN is on break and the med doc is the right way to go, here goes.

KBC

[asking]

Hi Ken,
I hope the med doctor can help.I'm very sorry your depression is dragging into the spring...

My sister's been depressed this year too and I'm definitely unmotivated regarding my work life. I've been down a lot. I haven't been working much since March. Lots of exhaustion, whether from my medication or something I don't know.

I told my doctor I wanted to try getting to a lower dose of my pain medication and she persuaded me to try going off entirely to see what my baseline pain/tiredness was. So I spent the weekend in withdrawal. I wanted to see how deep I could go in how few days. But I gave in Sunday at 2:30 am, after going cold turkey, and went to a half dose of fentanyl--from 50 mcg to 25 mcg. I'm still in withdrawal. Pain is tolerable but not very nice. Still, I'm proud of myself for being at a half dose of fentanyl compared to a week ago. Maybe in a week or two, if I stabilize, I'll go the rest of the way. Then I'll know what my normal level of pain really is and go from there.

Is lack of "ups"/mania ever age-related?
asking

[KBC]

Is lack of "ups"/mania ever age-related?

I have heard that this manic/depression is not something that gets better with time, but worse in severity (unless medicated properly)

Time will tell if there is any changes.

This winter was more even as far as depression, but I still isolated a bit, now I am coming out of my shell again and seem to be wondering about a little lost sometimes,work is not very appetizing.

Thanks so much for responding to my post, asking, I really do understand the withdraws and necessity to keep on meds,even if we think we don't want to,working with the med docs to move beyond an area we think we might be able to tolerate the pains, hmmm, sometimes we need to stay medicated,pain is pain, sometimes we have no choice,I know I have no choice about needing to stay medicated,use good judgment on the decision and remember I am routing for you! :)

Ken

[asking]

Thanks, Ken! Very nice to hear from you. I don't know whether I'm "supposed" to be on these meds or not. The pain doctor encouraged me to stay on; my regular doctor talks about "all those drugs" I'm on disparagingly, although I'm really only on one drug, plus a tiny amount of one another. Friends the same, some supportive, some judgmental. I don't know what's right, but it clearly affects me a lot in some bad ways. I'm always tired and often sick, but I don't know if that's related to the medication or something else, so I'm trying to get off to find out. I'm definitely not in much more pain on half as much fentanyl, so there's no reason to be on the higher dose.

I had one good morning yesterday, but otherwise I've been in weak withdrawal pretty constantly for a week--like I have a hot coal in my chest all the time and can't keep a thought in my head from one minute to the next. Wish I could have a day off. Thanks again. Glad things were steadier for you this winter, even if not great. I hope you get some ups soon. Have you taken a hike, seen anything beautiful? That helps me, exercise and wilderness. I found a pretty frog in my backyard a week ago.

[KBC]

Well... I am starting to question the meds again:(

I sleep more than I am awake now(for the past 4 months)

My weight has increased from the lack of activity and the med doc. Wants me to stay on the meds like they are?

I am losing trust?belief?in the doctor.

This is a red flag in my Manic/depression I know,common sense and being correctly medicated are important and I am looking for an outlet(thinking about using street drugs again.)

I have even thought about getting off the prescribed meds so mania will return and there won't be any conflict with the other drugs.

I know,I know, this is just another case of crying out for help, but I am just looking for an outlet for this crazy frustration( I miss the feelings of being high mania brings)

KBC

[asking]

Hi Ken,
I feel frustrated for you. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be struggling with these conflicts and urges. Sometimes life deals us limited options, not the one we want. But think about what's best for you in the long run, not what is going to bring temporary relief. It might be worth the trouble to find another doctor you trust more to give you a second opinion you can live with. You could spend some time looking for someone known to be really good in this area.. . I would talk to someone else before making any changes.

I don't blame you for not wanting to feel sleepy all the time. And while I can imagine mania must feel good, it'll be followed by depression that I assume is really painful and bad. Yes? Surely it's not worth it.

What kind of street drugs are you thinking of? What happens when you take them?

Take care. I'm thinking of you.
Asking

[KBC]

Street drugs?

Cocaine, it keeps me up for a while,expensive but I have been through bouts of on and off it over the years,I can take it or leave it as needed,maybe that's a part of the manic/depression... chaos theory,up or down,no in between.

I do realize this is a little pathetic,, why complain about it, just go do it.But maybe I'll not need to use if I write.

Thanks for your responses asking, they do help:)

Ken

[asking]

I wish I could really help! But I don't think it's pathetic at all to talk about this. That's what this thread is for. It's good to talk about how you are feeling--what you are going through is very hard. I can see that. And I don't judge you at all for feeling like trying something different. I have been to lots of lows myself, and sometimes just saying something out loud puts it outside of you where you can see whether it's a reasonable idea or not.

I've used cocaine, though not since I was a lot younger. I can see the appeal for a given day. (I admit I loved it at the time, though I never used much, in part because I couldnt' afford it.) But it seems like it would increase the number of problems you have to deal with over periods of months versus of days. It's expensive, illegal, which means you have to worry about this and that. Is there a down period after you use it? And does a person habituate to the dose and have to take more gradually? For me those would all be considerations. Plus, I think I remember your daughter lives with you? Even if she's an adult, I would think about how it would look to her, how it might affect her image of you and of herself.

If you actually think cocaine is going to be better than what the doctors are giving you and CAN give you, I wouldn't necessarily say you shouldn't. It's a matter of balancing the pros and cons. But there are definitely some cons...

What did you think about getting another opinion from another doctor? Someone with stellar credentials. Is that something you could do?

Hoping you feel better soon.

[simoneaugie]

Wow Ken, Ive been there. Sometimes it gets weird being weird all the time. There are social conventions that I worry about, but can't keep up with them all.

I mentioned this before, and you said that trying a different drug without a doctor's prescription was not your first choice. I talked to you about Salvia Divinorum which is legal. It has made my life incredibly better.

[KBC]

OK

I have been diagnosed and I am now being treated for diabetes.

New medications,new symptoms,you know all that new stuff.

I've lost 10 lbs. in a month due to a change in diet/less sugar intake(diet mountain dew instead of the real stuff)

I am a lot more fatigued today than in the past ,might just be the idea of another "incurable" problem in my body/mind.

Anyway,the new Dr.(one for diabeties) has me taking metformin,glipizide, and of all things, baby aspirin.

Most AM blood sugar levels are around 100-125,not too bad considering what they were before the meds(575 or so)

I am off the depakote and atarax... now its lamictal,citalopram(celexa) and crestor,, gota watch those cholesterol levels you know...

Staying o these meds has been easy so far,just got to keep doing it for the rest of my life... HA.

More later,

KEN