[lostgirl86]

I am a young girl about to be 21 next month. I got married when I was 18 to the boy I had been dating since 16. After I graduated high school I left my family and friends and moved up to Alaska where my husband is was stationed(air force). After about a month of being up here, my worst fear came true. I found out he had cheated on me with the girl I had been suspicious about. I found out by being sneaky and getting her to tell me. It took him a while to admit to it, but he did. My whole world came crashing down. I felt sick to stomach because everything I believed in and held onto was crushed. I thought our love was true for those 2 years, but it turned out he was a cheater all along. ANWYAY I ended up staying instead of going back home. For some reason I really didn't want to leave after finding out about everything even though it made me so sad. I think it was maybe because I felt like if I left then I was being "defeated" or something... I don't really know. Either way time went by and I fought with my husband every single day for a very long time. It was ridiculous now that I look back on it. Here is where every thing gets complicated... one of my husbands friends from work hung out with a lot. He became my good friend and one night when we were all drinking, him and I were left alone after everyone passed out. I confided in him with all the secrets about my marriage. The cheating and the abuse. I guess I felt safe reaching out to him. I didn't even tell anyone about it before that, not even my mother or best friend. So now this guy (jake) knew what I was going through. Honestly, he is genuinely a good person. Him and I got to be very close over a couple months. Another drunken night down the road, we became sexually involved with each other. It continued for 8 months before I broke down and told my husband about it. He didn't have a big reaction at first.. he just thought divorce was the answer. For whatever reason I freaked out at the idea of divorce and begged him to give me another chance. So we stopped hanging out with jake and he ended up getting out of the air force and moving back to the states. That's not it though, my husband and I are still have a rocky marriage. At times when I'm crying about whatever him and I get into an arument about, I think about jake. I think about how happy I would be if I was with him.. I can even see myself having a family with him. When I think about having children with my husband I get a panic feeling. Jake and I told each other 'i love you' during the 8 months and I know we still both have that love. Before he left, he really tried hard to get me to go with him. I honestly thought about it, but I just didn't have the courage. I don't want to give up on my marriage, but I know from an outsider's point of view they would say "LEAVE".. at least that's what I think they would say... this is why I'm asking this question of "should i leave my husband and be with jake?" I know jake wants me to, because he has wrote me letters and has said so on the phone. He does make me happy and no guy has ever treated me the way he does. At the same time, my husband and I have been doing much better.. after all, its been a year and a half since we stopped hanging out with jake. My husband and I have all these plans for our future, but he has no idea that I have these thoughts about jake still or that I talk to him every now and then. I feel very confused and I don't want to break my husband's heart by leaving him.. for JAKE. I just feel like I will make the wrong decision no matter what I decide. Please help me if you have any advice and thank you for reading all of this... :confused:

[peggyhill]

If you were able to improve things between you and your husband would you want to stay with him? If the answer is yes, then both of you should go to marriage counseling. It can be hard when you get married young. I can understand how you still feel hurt from him cheating on you. Look at it this way, you both made the same mistake. You both want to try to save your marriage. If you want to save your marriage, you need to get some outside help. I think counseling could really help you guys work through some of your issues right now. If counseling doesn't help and both of you feel like your differences can't be reconciled, then at that time, divorce is an option for you. I would give the counseling a chance first, just because you made the commitment of marriage together. If you want to give your marriage a chance, stop talking to Jake. If your husband doesn't know that you guys still talk, you are running the risk that he might find out and feel betrayed. Considering that you slept with him in the past, he could easily jump to the wrong conclusions if he finds a letter from Jake, etc. Your husband was just as wrong to cheat on you as you were to cheat on him. You need to get counseling if you want to stop this cycle. If you try and still feel this way, then at least you will be able to say that you tried to do everything that you could and it just didn't work out. It's easy for the 'grass to look greener on the other side". If you ran off with Jake, you will still have times when he hurts you feelings, does things that disappoint you, and so on. It will be the same as any other relationship. Don't make it out to be a "fairy tale' just because you're having a hard time right now. Another thing, if Jake was one of your husband's friends he shouldn't have been sleeping with you. He broke the trust that your husband gave him, so how do you know that he won't break your trust in the future? Give your marriage a shot, and like I said, if things don't work out, at least you can say that you tried. Hope this helps! ;)

[shygrneyzs]

It is not ever right to leave a spouse to get hooked up with another partner or to use that other partner as the excuse for leaving. It just really creates more problems - more problems that can haunt you for a long time.

You are unhappy and you say you have been abused and hurt by your husband. I can understand that. Have you ever gone and spoken to someone in a abused women's center/shelter? Those people are trained to help you identify what you are going through and also lead you through steps of recovery. Whether it is to seek joint marital counseling, counseling just for yourself, move to a safe home or center, legal actions, etc. I highly recommend that you find such a place in your area. If there are none, contact your church, speak to your pastor/priest and go from there. If you still do not have anyone, there are regional human service center type places in each state that have counselors offering a variety of services - sometimes for minimal fees (based on income). Please do something constructive for yourself in this area. You need someone to talk to. As in yesterday.

You are attracted to Jake because he represents something you feel your husband was not doing for you. So Jake is like on this pedestal - you can think this would be great or that would be wonderful, if only Jake was there for you. But you know something? IF Jake truly felt this way about you that you think he does - there would be no stopping him from seeing you. Do not make a fantasy out of Jake. He is only a guy, a fallible guy, just like us all.

You say you want to make your marriage work. Then that is where your concentration is and should be. Really consider the marriage counseling. I cannot see that as harmful for either one of you. You both have some issues that need to be brought out in a healthy environment so you can deal with them. Then go forward. Once it is dealt with and over, no more digging it back up. Leave Jake in that pile. I strongly feel if he was meant to be for you, it would have already happened.

If you cannot make this marriage work and you find you need to leave, please do it for your own emotional well being. Not because of another guy. You can never learn to stand on your own, you would be dependent and you do not need that, if you venture out on your own. You need to find out how strong you are and what you are capable of. You are capable of great things. So is your husband and so is your marriage.

I truly hope you two can make this marriage work better than it ever has. But also build yourself some sort of safety net - if you have to leave, you would need some resources to fall back on. Be smart. Take care.

[NowWhat]

If you want to leave your husband because he doesn't make you happy or you can't trust him or whatever and you don't think it can be worked out - then maybe you should. But to leave and jump right back into a relationship - that was built on deception - it would be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

You have said that you are young. I think you need to figure out who you are first with out having a man define you.

If someday, you and this Jake find each other again - and the feelings are still there - great.
But to end one relationship and start another would not be wise.

And keep in mind how this all started. A lie was told (by your husband) he hurt you. Then all of those feelings got pushed down - coming out in arguments. Then a guy comes along and listens to what you have to say and you feel great. THEN you lie to your husband and hurt him the way he hurt you. While all this is going on, Jake knows you are unavailable, but contiunes the relationship.
This relationship is based on a lie. Think about that. When you give up one thing for another, are you really getting anything different?

Just a thought...

[donf]

Lostgirl - soon to be foundgirl,

Believe me when I say I am against anyone breaking their marriage vows period. The problem you are saddled with is that it is already after the fact.

While you have forgiven him his transgression, you cannot forget the transgressing on. Relax, welcome to the human condition. Forgetting is impossible to do. You may be able to put it out of your mind for a while but it will always be there waiting to sneak back into your thoughts.

I've suggested this before. Please sit your hubby down and tell that this has hurt you down to your core of your person. Your fear is that it may happen again and because of this ever present fear from time to time you may look to him for reassurance. All he as to do is tell you the truth about loving you and just hold you until the fear passes.

I would, however plan on exactly what you will if he plays inside anyone's pants again.

Trust that is broken is very hard to repair. Have you thought about what you will do if he breaks his marriage vow again. If you haven't go it now. You are responsible for yourself as well as your child.

Good luck

[La Siesta Encantada]

I agree to the tee.

[Tranquility]

Sounds like you are having a hard time moving on. If u decide to move on, Take a little break from relationships, in order to discover yourself SOME MORE, think clearly and make the right decisions.