[La Siesta Encantada]

Hi I was just wondering if I am the only one that feels sociaty has changed too much on there opinion of marriage. I:rolleyes:

[templelane]

Actually mothers under 30 give birth to 51% of down sndrome babies in the UK. Down's syndrome (www.whonamedit.com)
This is due to lack of genetic screening as they believe that they are young and therefore unlikely to have a down's syndrome child.

As for the rest of your question, people grow up slower than out counterparts 100s of yers ago. One theory is this is due to increased education keeping people in a receptive child like state for longer and delaying maturity. There is more to learn and the is less pressure to grow up quickly as we now live circa 80 years not 30.

In regards to your engagement everyone is differnent and you should do whatever makes you happy!

[templelane]

Please read the site rules
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.ph...#faq_faq_rules
Also my opinion was do what makes you happy. Also the theories were part of my opinion on why this trend is happening.

[La Siesta Encantada]

I did not mean anything bad to templelane. I am from Wisconsin and that is the trend here if that makes any difference. Thank you for your imput.

[RubyPitbull]

LaSiesta, your question "Does anyone feel the same as me?" is an open ended question that allows people to tell you what they think, and to back it up with facts if they wish to. You have actually created a great post that might open up a very lively and fun discussion, which most people here look to participate in. You do need to review the site rules prior to giving someone an undeserved disagree.

If you are just interested in a yes or no response without an ensuing discussion you should have stated that in your original post. Templelane's response was perfectly reasonable. If you don't agree, respond to her post with a follow up post.

As for me, if you are only interested in a yes or no answer, here is mine: No, I do not feel the same as you do. If you wish me to explain, I will be happy to do so.

[shygrneyzs]

Marrying younger in life does not preclude you from having a child with down's syndrome or any other condition/illness. My youngest son's birth mother (he is adopted) had him when she was 24 yrs old and he has down's syndrome. If she had given birth to him when she was 14, it still could have happened. With all the advances in prenatal care and medical treatments, a woman who is 40 can have a healthy baby just as well as a woman who is 20. My former mother-in-law was pregnant when she was 43 with her youngest - my ex - and she was very healthy and so was her son. So hopefully you can do a bit more research on down's syndrome before making a blanket statement.

About societal views on marriage? There have always been those who wait until they have made certain accomplishments before getting married and there have always been those who barely get out of puberty before rushing to the altar. It is the human condition - people will be driven by different things. I do agree that the 18 year old today is not as ready for marriage as the 18 year old in the beginning of the 20th Century. But you have to consider the life styles, education, technology, advancements, etc.

When my Grandmothers were married, one in 1905 and one in 1919, the women were educated to be the wife and mother and homemaker. Rural life, farms, it was like their future was already written. All the skills they needed were taught and so they could step into their role with confidence. Now you could take the same era and put it in a metropolitan area like NYC and come up with different answers.

Personally, I think waiting to get married is a good thing. That is not to say that there are those out there who can marry at 18 and not be successful. It happens.

[La Siesta Encantada]

Ok like I said I didn't mean anything bad. Give me some kind of break as you can see I just joined today and did not realize that there were "rules". I read them if that makes you happy. And yes I would like you to explain more in depth. And I should have not put the children thing in as I more wanted an anwer to the marriage part.

[RubyPitbull]

I only saw Templelane's response when I started to write mine so I didn't see your post until I posted mine. That happens a lot here. You will get the hang of it. But, one thing you will find is that people don't give breaks to other people here, new member or not. Trial by fire. If you don't read the rules, those of us who are familiar with this site, know it, and we will call you out on it.

Actually, my response is pretty much a mirror image to Shygrneyz response. Things have changed because society as a whole has changed. At least Western societies have.

Nothing personal, but to make a blanket statement that if people married younger, and have children younger, "there would be less problems in the world" doesn't make sense. I know it is based on your opinion, but if you do some research, you will see there is no direct correlation between younger marrieds/parents to the world's problems. Do you believe that would make the people with religious differences in other parts of the world stop killing each other? It doesn't. A lot of them do marry young and have children young. Western society is pretty much the only society in the world that is waiting a bit longer to do these things. The majority of the world still marries at younger ages. And, we still have world problems.

I think it is great that you know you are ready. You sound like one of those women who has found the right person and knows what she wants at your age. A lot of people don't.

[kp2171]

Letsee... signed up at a public forum, asked if anyone felt as she did, then disagreed with the Very First thoughtful poster who engaged her discussion...

Oh yeah. She's ready to be married.

But is he ready to say "yes, anything you like, wish, think, feel honey"?

Look... I "knew" at 18 the person I would marry. It was my HS sweetheart. Ended up dating her for 7 years... 2 years HS, 4 years college, a year after. We had wedding plans and all the works. Thank God I didn't marry her when I "knew" I was ready.

Now before you get all ticked off more let me add this... my best friend in college knew he wanted to marry his HS sweetheart... they dated throughout college, and are not married with three kids and a dozen happy married years.

They are the exception. Almost everyone feels an early love is The One. And almost everyone thinks that nobody else just gets it... as if they have something that is soooo special and unique that the several billion people on the planet are just too damn mortal to understand.

You act as if "society" changing on this attitude would be a bad thing. Well, I think most people I know are still learning about themselves and about the dynamics of relationships until at least the mid 20's. I've been through it and seen many friends too continue to grow and understand things better with experience...

So... what you "know" about yourself and your feelings might be the same 20 years from now. And they might not.

There are people who get married later who screw marriage up. There are younger people who will last the test.

Generally speaking, I think waiting a few years into the 20's... and even into the mid 20's, helps a person become established in their career, they become more financially wise, and usually more wise concerning what will work for them in a relationship. I have been with women I loved that I just couldn't be with... if id married too soon it would have been a disaster.

So... you can prove us all wrong. That's fine. I wish all marriages well. But please don't act like anyone who doesn't see it your way is wrong or shouldn't express their opinion.

Your disagreement with the first thoughtful poster shouldn't have needed to be withheld because of "rules" of the site... it should have been simply common courtesy and kindness. templelane actually had some very thoughtful points in the discussion that were directly related to the question "why do people wait"... that YOU asked.

Oh well. There's always next time.

PS - you probably aren't going to catch a break from anyone when you don't extend that courtesy yourself, BUT we have short memories here. Kiss and makeup. All is better. Just like a good marriage.

[donf]

La Siesta,

I don't think your stats are exactly on the mark. But what the heck do I know.

We were both 18 when we married 42 years ago. The only thing that everyone felt they needed to know was how far along my wife was.

We swore she was not pregnant and while we eloped, it had nothing to due with a baby being on the way.

Fortunately, our son wasn't born until we were 22 so by then her family, old world Italian, had figured it was okay to give us wedding gifts and welcome me into the family.

[rpg219]

I talked to my Gma about this one... when people married back in the days, they married to start a family to help with the farms and house. They just dealt with who they married (got used to them). Now people marry for love, which I believe makes it harder. You need to be more wise with the decision.
If you don't want to be part of the statistics, you need to make sure that the two of you not only love each other, but that you can LIVE with each other. Most of my friends that married when they were younger are now divorced. Not that they didn't love the person, they were just so different in the end that they couldn't live with each other. Puppy love will blind you.
I personally married for the family. I was pregnant. We are learning to deal with the flaws that we could not see in the beginning. However, this makes things much more difficult. Either way you will have struggles, and you learn to take things a little slower to make wiser decisions.
Good luck however you decide.

[inthebox]

Speaking of statistics

Political Calculations: What Are the Chances Your Marriage Will Last?

[Synnen]

Actually... I think the major change in society is that even 50 years ago, people knew who they were and what they would be doing for the rest of their lives at 18.

Now... people don't even get out from under their parents' wings until they're in their 20s.

That's not a bad thing, but it results in most people having no clue who they really are and what they really want until their mid-20s. They THINK they know at 18, but then they get to 21 and 25 and 30 and look back and wonder who that person was, that they were at 18.

Seriously... aside from the first few years of your life, I think you change more between 20 and 25 than any other years. The relationships that make it through that period are the ones where there is enough honesty and communication to grow TOGETHER, without resentment.

Was I in love at 17? Absolutely. I'd been with the guy 2 years by then, and I just KNEW we were forever. That changed when a baby entered the picture, and I had to grow up fast, and he somehow.. just didn't. I was a different person almost overnight, and the person I grew into didn't have a place for the person that didn't grow--so we broke up.

Do I think it's a bad thing that society gives us more leeway, that I have more choices than I would have 100 years ago? Absolutely. I can't imagine being married to that guy because I got knocked up. My life would have been HELL. And I was in love with him!

What are the advantages of waiting? You have a bit more time to know YOURSELF. And knowing who you are makes it easier to know how you fit in a relationship, and to know where your lines are drawn, and to know when you'll compromise and when you'll stick to your guns. You'll know what's important to YOU. And most of all... you understand that loving yourself, being secure in yourself is the MOST important thing in a relationship. You really can't love someone else if you are dependent on them for your EVERY happiness.

I guess my bottom line on this is this: Marrying young CLOSES doors early. Staying single, or at least having a long engagement, means that you have more options in your younger years.

Marriage is WORK, and I don't think most 18 year olds realize that.

[KBC]

Hi i was just wondering if I am the only one that feels sociaty has changed to much on there opinion of marriage. I am 18 and getting engaged. Now I know some people will tell me that I am to young but whatever I know that I am ready for that step. But 20 years ago when my parents got married I was ok to get married at 18, 19, 20. I am waiting until I am 21 at the latest because I know I am ready. But my point is why have things changed? What are the advantages and why do people tend to wait longer to get married. Does anyone feel the same as me?:rolleyes:

Why have things changed,you ask?

The pregnancy rates during my late teens/early twenties was astounding,to put it mildly.. :(

Then the single parent syndrome took a new face in society.

Think of this, 60's children, beginning maturity(sexual) in the late 70's/early 80's, Freedom and sexual excesses were a social 'construct' in that era, the birth of MTV, the settling of US foreign relations( Fall of Communism, end of the Cold War) this makes the idea of a 'Safe World',and a little more excesses played out( I fell for a wonderful woman, had 2 kids, house, cars, good working... )10 years later we looked at one another and asked,"What were we thinking, We're not compatible at all!", We grew apart with time,divorcing, me at 28, she at 27.

I didn't have a broken household while growing up, they made it through thick and thin, where did I go wrong... HMMM? Me? Her? Nope it's just that when I was young, dumb, and full of ---'viger' I really thought life would just fall in place for us as long as we were in love.

Time and reality stated differently.

Is this the outcome of all marriages? No way.

Is this a statistic I would have discredited when I was going to get married,Sure. I knew it all.

If I could change the past and do it differently, would I? NO.

That is to the Why, and How (as I see it)

Advantages to waiting, I can only speculate, as I didn't wait.

More 'life' lived, more exposure to the real world, the possibility of meeting a wider variety of people, not just the ones I grew up with, and a world with countless billions in it, how can one from so close by be the only' Right one"?

Living outside the box for a few years, outside of the norms we see as comfort zones, where others might be doing and living so differently we could never fathom it till we matured and went out to see it for ourselves, Most of us couldn't say they made it past their immediate vicinity, for any length of time, and experience what life has to offer before we were 21(some can but most can not)

Is this what I suggest for you, NO, you need to decide what you want for a future, stay in your comfort zone( i.e. the farmers daughter,raised for the farm life,, etc,as from the previous posts)or the big city girl(looking for that farm life?) any number of ways, but in the end the big question is, ARE YOU LIMITING THE POSSIBILITIES OF YOUR FUTURE BY JUMPING IN THE MARRIED LIFE BEFORE YOU HAVE LIVED MORE?

I know I did, and this is only advice, not a commandment or preaching, do what you need to do, keep an open mind to the advice in here and make a sound decision for your future.

Good luck,

Ken