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Stac33 · Nov 5, 2007, 08:52 AM

I am missing my old sexual husband. I have posted on here a few times about him not being as sexual any more. We are both 34, but I don't want to hear that his age might have something to do with it. I am pregnant with our 3rd child, but I am very much missing his sexual advances. The last 3 times we have done something has been under my initiative, not his. I'm not saying that I shouldn't be initiating, but who doesn't feel great when our other half makes a pass at us? I know I have been obsessing about this with him. I miss him grabbing my butt, crotch, etc... we went through years of that. Even more so than when we were first together. But over the last year or so things have changed. I suppose it's my nagging about it. I guess even the most sexual man would get turned off by that. I will tell him how I want to be touched. That's terrible, I know. Shouldn't I be happy with any way he touches me? I am just a sexual woman and I know what I like. Maybe I am insecure and that's the way I feel good and secure? I NEED some advice desperately!! :(

AJJWWELLS · Nov 5, 2007, 09:58 PM

He could just be being careful since this is your 3rd child. Men can be weird about those things all of a sudden, even if they weren't before. Try to be satisfied with what you get or true something different to really get him sparked for sex. Some of this could be you being insecure(rightfully so).

Synnen · Nov 6, 2007, 01:34 AM

You need to talk to him.

Seriously... there's no one here that can answer your question as well as your husband.

Tell him how you feel, and ask him if he can please help you to feel better about everything.

Stac33 · Nov 6, 2007, 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

You need to talk to him.

Seriously...there's no one here that can answer your question as well as your husband.

Tell him how you feel, and ask him if he can please help you to feel better about everything.

I have talked to him and of course he doesn't think he's doing anything differently. He never does. I have told him that for some reason him wanting me sexually is what is making me feel secure and loved. He says he does want me.

john 321 · Nov 6, 2007, 08:16 AM

Have you turn down his advance in the past

Stac33 · Nov 6, 2007, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by john 321

have you turn down his advance in the past

Yes I have. He never seems too upset about it most of the time.

john 321 · Nov 6, 2007, 12:37 PM

You hurt his feelings so he is holding off to you to come on to him we feal the same way you do if you don't come on to us and we we get hurt when you turn us down

Synnen · Nov 6, 2007, 12:59 PM

I think this is more about HER insecurity, than about HIS reactions, honestly. She wants him to come on to her, even though she doesn't necessarily want to go to bed afterwards.

In her other posts, she's stated that she's pregnant, had morning sickness, and severe nausea--honestly, I think his reaction is more because he doesn't want to make the effort only to be rebuffed because she's so sick that there's really no way she could be in the mood.

Honey--your self esteem shouldn't suffer just because your man is concerned for you and is more worried about your HEALTH than about your sexuality right now. Give the poor guy a break!

If talking to him isn't working, you may want to talk to your doctor or a counselor about YOU, and the way that YOU are reacting to this.

Stac33 · Nov 6, 2007, 01:03 PM

Originally Posted by john 321

you hurt his feelings so he is holding off to you to come on to him we feal the same way you do if you dont come on to us and we we get hurt when you turn us down

The past 3 times we've done something has been on my part though.

Stac33 · Nov 6, 2007, 01:05 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

I think this is more about HER insecurity, than about HIS reactions, honestly. She wants him to come on to her, even though she doesn't necessarily want to go to bed afterwards.

In her other posts, she's stated that she's pregnant, had morning sickness, and severe nausea--honestly, I think his reaction is more because he doesn't want to make the effort only to be rebuffed because she's so sick that there's really no way she could be in the mood.

Honey--your self esteem shouldn't suffer just because your man is concerned for you and is more worried about your HEALTH than about your sexuality right now. Give the poor guy a break!

If talking to him isn't working, you may want to talk to your doctor or a counselor about YOU, and the way that YOU are reacting to this.

I totally agree with you. I have always felt it is because of my insecurities that I am reacting this way. I just wish I knew how to center it someplace else.

jbarrington · Nov 7, 2007, 10:27 AM

It sounds like you are giving him a fair share of attention. (I would love it if my wife was as open to sex as you were.) Most men tend to feel slighted on the attention scale as more and more children come into the family picture. Some men can even feel jealous to some degree of their children getting 100% of the wife's attention.

On the surface, it doesn't sound like any of this at all is happening. At the moment, it sounds like it could be related to the pregnancy, but I don't know if this started soon after or this was something that's been happening before it occurred.

As far as having sex during the pregnancy, I had it a few times during the later stages of my wife's pregnancy, but for me, it didn't feel exactly right in my mind for many reasons. Is this what could b happening here? I don't know.

Back in the normal, happy period of your marriage, how often (frequency) were you having sex?

With the pregnancy, how often does it happen now?

Just before the pregnancy, was it already decreasing?

Has the frequency been going down over the entire course of the marriage or just recently over the past couple of months?

Stac33 · Nov 7, 2007, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by jbarrington

It sounds like you are giving him a fair share of attention. (I would love it if my wife was as open to sex as you were.) Most men tend to feel slighted on the attention scale as more and more children come into the family picture. Some men can even feel jealous to some degree of their children getting 100% of the wife’s attention.

On the surface, it doesn’t sound like any of this at all is happening. At the moment, it sounds like it could be related to the pregnancy, but I don’t know if this started soon after or this was something that’s been happening before it occurred.

As far as having sex during the pregnancy, I had it a few times during the later stages of my wife’s pregnancy, but for me, it didn’t feel exactly right in my mind for many reasons. Is this what could b happening here? I don’t know.

Back in the normal, happy period of your marriage, how often (frequency) were you having sex?

With the pregnancy, how often does it happen now?

Just before the pregnancy, was it already decreasing?

Has the frequency been going down over the entire course of the marriage or just recently over the past couple of months?

He was never too concerned with not having sex with our other 2 kids, but that was quite a few years ago. We were having sex 2-3 times per week, but when he wanted to he would come to me and really show that he wanted to by touching me in a certain way or whispering something naughty in my ear. Now it's like he doesn't make the effort to do the things I like and doesn't want to take the time. As a man if you knew exactly what buttons to push to get you girl going wouldn't you push them quite a bit? He KNOWS I like for him to go right for the goods even in just playing around, but he doesn't do it very much. Not like he used to. That was tapering off before we found out, but the week before he was his old self. Wanting to see it. Wanting me to touch myself and him touching me a lot. Lately we have been only having sex on the weekends which sometimes meant only once a week, but it's just been different. We go through spurts with sex. I would like it more, but I also want him to want it more. Not just give it up just because he thinks I want to. I just love for him to be dirty with me. I love that. Who wouldn't want a wife like that? I feel unappreciated. I know lots of men who wish their wives wanted it more. Maybe I should quit acting like I want it.

jbarrington · Nov 7, 2007, 01:26 PM

Nothing against you, but something isn't adding up with him, or something is happening with him that he is either aware or not aware of.

From my point of view at the moment, unless I missed something these are the things that I can think of that could be happening:

Bored or tired with sex. This could be from anything from an unknown medical condition that he is or isn't aware of and suffering from, or tired of the same sexual routines. It doesn't really sound like either of these could be the problem at the moment.

Issues at work.

Issues surrounding his or your family.

Money issues.

Feels that you are pressuring him too much to perform?

Is holding a resentment for something that happened recently or in the past?

(Deep apologies for these next comments, but it needs to be brought up since we don't know either history.)

Has your appearance changed deeply compared to the way that you normally looked when you got married, or compared the previous pregnancies? Hair color or style? Weight (increased or decreased)? Manner of dress?

Feels that you could be having an affair?

Seen you flirting?

That he could be having an affair?

Stac33 · Nov 7, 2007, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by jbarrington

Nothing against you, but something isn’t adding up with him, or something is happening with him that he is either aware or not aware of.

From my point of view at the moment, unless I missed something these are the things that I can think of that could be happening:

Bored or tired with sex. This could be from anything from an unknown medical condition that he is or isn’t aware of and suffering from, or tired of the same sexual routines. It doesn’t really sound like either of these could be the problem at the moment.

Issues at work.

Issues surrounding his or your family.

Money issues.

Feels that you are pressuring him too much to perform?

Is holding a resentment for something that happened recently or in the past?

(Deep apologies for these next comments, but it needs to be brought up since we don’t know either history.)

Has your appearance changed deeply compared to the way that you normally looked when you got married, or compared the previous pregnancies? Hair color or style? Weight (increased or decreased)? Manner of dress?

Feels that you could be having an affair?

Seen you flirting?

That he could be having an affair?

I hope that him having an affair isn't an issue. I know he works long hours and is very tired most of the time. Maybe he feels pressure with the sex thing since I talk about it all the time. I don't think he feels I'm having an affair. I have looked the same for quite a few years. I don't think there is any resentment there, but who knows? I hope he's not bored. I'm not sure whether to ask him anything any more. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it all. :(

jbarrington · Nov 8, 2007, 11:31 AM

It's still really hard to say what could be affecting his lack of desire.

You did mention his long hours of work. His long hours could be affecting him, but it could also be a way of occasionally masking an affair. I really hate to put that thought into your mind if it actually isn't happening.

Every home manages their finances differently, but if you were able to keep track of how many hours of work he puts in versus the average of what he typically brings home, that could be one indication of whether he is just tired from work or from someone else.

Of course, be mindful of weeks that extras are taken out like heath insurance, which could show a shortage that week, but falsely lead you to think that he didn't work when he really did.

Again, I hate to put that thought into your head if he isn't doing anything, but if he does have something else happening on the side, it will be a short matter of time before he makes a mistake, or validates that he is just worn out for some reason (work and/or sex) and needed a break.

Stac33 · Nov 8, 2007, 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by jbarrington

It's still really hard to say what could be affecting his lack of desire.

You did mention his long hours of work. His long hours could be affecting him, but it could also be a way of occasionally masking an affair. I really hate to put that thought into your mind if it actually isn't happening.

Every home manages their finances differently, but if you were able to keep track of how many hours of work he puts in versus the average of what he typically brings home, that could be one indication of whether he is just tired from work or from someone else.

Of course, be mindful of weeks that extras are taken out like heath insurance, which could show a shortage that week, but falsely lead you to think that he didn't work when he really did.

Again, I hate to put that thought into your head if he isn't doing anything, but if he does have something else happening on the side, it will be a short matter of time before he makes a mistake, or validates that he is just worn out for some reason (work and/or sex) and needed a break.

I really hope that him having an affair isn't an issue. I asked him about it and of course he said no way. He gives me his pay stub every week and I am the one who takes care of all of our money. I really don't need that put in my head. There's already enough going on there.

Synnen · Nov 9, 2007, 02:06 AM

You know... you say you've been trying for a baby for a long time.

Honestly (and I know, because I've got the infertility thing going here)--eventually sex gets to be a chore, kind of. Something you have to make sure you time, and get the right position, and then hope and pray that you get pregnant, and then go through the disappointment every freaking month.

Is it possible that he's just feeling relief that you're pregnant, plus sympathy for the sickness/nausea, plus stressed/tired from work? Seriously... he may just want a break from sex!

My advice is to just relax about it for 2-3 weeks... don't bring it up, don't get frustrated or angry about it... just... chill. I'm betting that after the nausea passes for you and work slows down for him, that he'll be back to normal.

Stac33 · Nov 9, 2007, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

You know...you say you've been trying for a baby for a long time.

Honestly (and I know, because I've got the infertility thing going here)--eventually sex gets to be a chore, kinda. Something you have to make sure you time, and get the right position, and then hope and pray that you get pregnant, and then go through the disappointment every freaking month.

Is it possible that he's just feeling relief that you're pregnant, plus sympathy for the sickness/nausea, plus stressed/tired from work? Seriously...he may just want a break from sex!

My advice is to just relax about it for 2-3 weeks....don't bring it up, don't get frustrated or angry about it...just....chill. I'm betting that after the nausea passes for you and work slows down for him, that he'll be back to normal.

I hope you are right. I know I rely on our sexual relationship too much, but I just want to feel wanted. You know? After the 2-3 weeks what would be your advice if things are going the same way. I can't say we haven't done stuff, but it has been all on my accord. We did things last Thursday, Sat, and Sun. Maybe he is just enjoying that he doesn't have to initiate it?

kfrancis · Nov 9, 2007, 01:35 PM

You have every right to feel hurt and insecure,maybe you could baby him before the new one comes along, Im sure the responsibility of a new mouth to feed is terrifing,perhaps when he comes home from work you could give him a back massage, he probably already knows what he's doing and feels guilty but to stressed to think of sex maybe just hold him and tell him you love him... our men... are little boys at heart

sixftbrit · Nov 11, 2007, 07:26 PM

Originally Posted by Stac33

I am missing my old sexual husband. I have posted on here a few times about him not being as sexual any more. We are both 34, but I don't want to hear that his age might have something to do with it. I am pregnant with our 3rd child, but I am very much missing his sexual advances. The last 3 times we have done something has been under my initiative, not his. I'm not saying that I shouldn't be initiating, but who doesn't feel great when our other half makes a pass at us? I know I have been obsessing about this with him. I miss him grabbing my butt, crotch, etc...we went through years of that. Even more so than when we were first together. But over the last year or so things have changed. I suppose it's my nagging about it. I guess even the most sexual man would get turned off by that. I will tell him how I want to be touched. That's terrible, I know. Shouldn't I be happy with any way he touches me? I am just a sexual woman and I know what I like. Maybe I am insecure and that's the way I feel good and secure? I NEED some advice desperately!!!!:(

There's nothing wrong with asking for what you want, as long as you ask for it nicely... I suspect a lot of your problems relate to the pregnancy, there maybe issues that need discussing that are not being talked about, and therefore are coming between you.

I agree with other posts, talk to a professional asap ;-)