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confused73 · Nov 4, 2007, 06:13 AM

I hope this is not too confusing...

I dated a girl (girl 1) for 2 years from 2003-2005. I love her very much. She is everything a man could want... beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring and honest. We are so naturally comfortable together, I had never felt so much love for someone before. Unfortunately before I met her I has come out of a long relationship in which my girlfriend cheated on me and I then cheated on her. Therefore, I found it hard to believe that girl 1 would want me... she was so perfect and I was anything but. In 2005 we split up and I moved away. This hurt her very much but I believed at the time that I needed to leave her to make her happy. She deserved so much more than me.

When I moved away a family friend moved in with me after a few weeks as she moved to the same area (girl 2). We ended up getting together. After a few months though I realised that I still loved girl 1. I broke it off with girl 2 and asked her to move out. I contacted girl 1 told her about girl2 and that she was moving out. Unfortunately though girl 2 refused to move. I was paying all the rent. We argued all the time but she was in love with me and didn't want to give up. My family also put pressure on me to take care of her. My family knew we were not together but I couldn't tell them about girl 1 as I did not want tit to look like I dumped her for someone else. We were not together during this time though, we shared the house using different bedrooms.

At the end of 2006 girl 1 moved to my area as we wanted to make a go of it. She has a good job and rented a place of her own about 1 hour drive away. I spent as much time as I could with her and we looked at houses to buy together... we loved each other so much. She obviously wanted me to move out from girl 2 but finding a house was not so easy and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Regrettably at the start of this year I pushed her away and said I couldn't hurt her anymore. I decided she was better off without me.

A month later though girl2 moved out. I was so happy - I could now make girl 1 happy and spend the rest of my life with her as I always wanted. I am 35 and ready to settle down and want nothing more than a family with the girl I love - my soul mate. I contacted her several times and she ignored me. She eventually replied saying she had met someone else. This ripped me apart. I could not handle her being with someone else. I was so depressed for months. Friends were telling me to go after her but she kept saying she was happy. I love her so much that I just want to be happy - maybe she had met someone more deserving of her.

Girl2 was still in touch and wanted to get back together and my family wanted us to also. I convinced myself that girl 1 was better off without me and that I should just try to love girl2. We got engaged 2 months ago and are due to get married at Christmas. I missed her when she was not tere but now I don't think that meant what I thought! I just found out that girl 1 is single again. I have kept in contact with her and I still love her... more than life itself. I love girl 2 but not the same way as girl1. I was on my stag do this weekend and spent all the time thinking about and texting girl 1. I need to see her. I want her, I only never chased her as I thought she was happy but she wasn't. I am going to see her tomorrow. I need to. I don't know what she will say and I don't know what to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with girl 1 but I cannot bear to hurt girl 2 and my family. I was so convinced that I needed to settle down but I am in a bigger mess than ever! Please help - should I go through with the wedding or try to get girl 1 back? I know she loves me as much as I do her but she obviously upset at the situation and said she will not come between us - that is my decision. I just want a simple life being happy with the girl I love - girl1 but I risk making enemies within my family. I cannot talk to family as they are too involved and friends give me varied advice. Please help. I am running out of time.

s_cianci · Nov 4, 2007, 06:21 AM

I can't tell you what to do in this situation but I will say this ; at age 35 it's time for you to make a firm decision and stick by it. Decide what it is you want and then inform all the people concerned. You can't worry about upsetting or hurting anyone. It's got to be your decision and what you want not what someone else wants and that's what you've got to explain to people. They can then take it from there and do what they will with it, after which it's out of your hands. You're never going to find happiness or contentment as long as you worry about what others want or expect.

statictable · Nov 4, 2007, 07:51 AM

If honesty is what you are looking for in an answer then please read on. You have a way of defeating yourself without trying. Your playing "If I were King." This game was more of
A childish commentary on the world around us as adolescents than a real game. Each kid in-turn would tell the group how they would deal with a specific problem. Example: A friend comments about all the different cars there are, colors, styles etc and another kid might say, "If I were King all cars would be VWs and they'd all be painted black and I'd have a bright silver Mercedes Benz." It was just silly commentary and was taken very lightly.

It sounds like your playing with a similar style of that same game, maybe.. In each case it sounds like you decided who should be the one to live in a state of happiness as defined again by you. Happiness has not nor will ever be the cornerstone of a good relationship. Happiness feels good but so does sky diving to some and buying a pair of shoes to another.

True love is never a single event. True love is not as rare as many believe.

The two girls in this story have been recycled emotionally thanks to the noble gestures made to keep happiness as the test of a girl's most important need. Credit is due them.

The best you can do is to be polite and let them be on their way. As you learn more about relationships and their many nuances you'll have new opportunities to fall deeply in love with another girl and you'll both share in that equaly without a king or a Queen required.

linds03 · Nov 4, 2007, 08:10 AM

I give girl 1 credit for even speaking to you now! Sorry, that was harsh. But seriously, from a woman's perspective, I think that girl 2 is definitely being strung along and it doesn't sound like that's what you intend to do. You have to let her go and find a love like you already have for girl 1. DON'T GO THROUGH WITH THE WEDDING! I understand that you will be breaking a lot of hearts, and that's the hardest thing in the world, but in your lovely situation, you have no choice. If I were girl 1 I would try my best to NOT talk to you, but she is which means there are still feelings there. If you truly want to marry girl 1, then you should do that. This is not a temporary thing... this is the rest of your life! Do what makes you happy! Sure, you've messed up a little bit, but forgiveness will find you from your family and friends. Break it to girl 1 gently, and tell her the truth. She deserves that. Tell her that you have never truly moved on from girl1, and that is where your heart is... best of luck with everything. P.S-if girl 1 wants to try this again with you after you leaving her twice MARRY THE GIRL ALREADY!

rol · Nov 5, 2007, 07:03 AM

<Please help - should I go through with the wedding or try to get girl 1 back?>
<I want to spend the rest of my life with girl 1 >

Well you snoozed and lost. She most probably does not want yo be with you again. Have you any inkling that she does? Once a girl moves on its hard to go back .

Break it off with girl 2 , u are not ready to get married at all and do not keep any strings of contact with her as you will end up confusing her as much as you are confusing yourself right now.

Find happiness by yourself and mature a bit... then you might be ready for a serious relationship.

Miroku2010 · Nov 5, 2007, 07:37 AM

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Wow I don't know.
Lets see.
You should go with girl1 if you turly love her.
But if you love girl2 stay with her.
Tell girl1 your getting married and all she's better off without you no offense.
Marry girl2 you have a future with her.

Miroku2010 · Nov 5, 2007, 07:38 AM

But if you don't love girl2.
Then go to girl1 and marry her.
Who do you love more??
Whoever it is go marry her.
I'm thinking girl1

AJJWWELLS · Nov 5, 2007, 11:30 AM

Marriage is hard enough no matter how in love you may be. Don't get married unless you know in your heart that you love the person. Otherwise it would be more like an arranged marriage for you, and would probably end up in divorce.