[snuffy]

My girlfriend and I finished 2 weeks ago.

I knew in a way that things were not right for a few weeks, I'd noticed a sudden coldness and hostility.

I'd questioned her about going out because I suspecte she would be cheating, though I back-tracked immediately.

I made an issue of an ex boyfriend showing up at her door at 2am, which she said showed I did not trust her. I assured her I did trust her but that it was undeniably suspicious behaviour from her.

Then we broke up, I cried, begged etc etc. I know it was all wrong to do, so after I'd done all that on the Saturday 20th October; I didn't cry anymore, I came on here and read about break-ups and got support from here.

I decided last week that we should remain good friends since we would be seeing each other at parties and I didn't want any awkwardness.

Then bang! She tells me she is pregnant.

So I was asking her a million questions, allsorts going round my head at this shocking news.

I said it would be best for baby if we were together but that I loved her still for her and wanted her to consider any chance of us getting back together. She is adamant she will not; and it is killing me.

I know I have really good prospects, I'm still to finish my university Law degree so I have a good chance in the future of a decent job.

I would be good for her but I guess she has to realise this herself, and me trying to persuade her will be counter-productive.


I have offered my full support any time she wants it, so she knows this.


My question is: Given the new complicated scenario of her being pregnant, is there really any way she may see in the future that maybe we could at least try to make a go of it.

I've been asking her and my friends, and aparently it seems the reason for us splitting up was that I was around her too much and didn't allow her enough space. I didn't even realise I was doing this, and she never hinted. But they say that she bottles things up and doesn't reveal her emotions, which I guess is true.


I am seriously considering going over to a relatives 4000 miles away in america for 3 months to get away for a while.

Will me not being around for that length of time make her miss me. He knows I am madly in love with her. I really am. But I know that being around her will make her more certain that she will never get back with me.


Do any of you know of a situation like this which has ended in the partners getting back and at least trying to make a go of things?

Have stranger things happened. In my head there is no hope and it is killing me.

I just want to have that chance, if it doesn't work out the fine. I know I won't repeat the same mistakes.

I want to be a great daddy and a great partner; I know she would not regret getting back, but at the momenbt it seems there is more chance of me getting to the moon in my car.

Please help.

[statictable]

Yes the chances are very good for a future relationship to develop as the child grows. The child's mother will want the child to have a father and the birth father would be most desirable.
Not real clear on her feelings at this time but would think she's facing so many choices and must make many decisions and for better or for worse she's listening to some of her friends as you may be doing and this is the time to put questions to a very reliable and mature person who can speak from the mind and heart. PS is child's birth-father 100% determined? Was birth control used at any time? Be safe and stay healthy.

[linds03]

She will come back to you... give her all the time she needs. If you told her you'll always be there for her, she knows that she can make contact at any time. Let her be and she will miss you, for sure. Best of luck.

[snuffy]

She will come back to you....give her all the time she needs. If you told her you'll always be there for her, she knows that she can make contact at any time. Let her be and she will miss you, for sure. Best of luck.

I REALLY hope so. Just right now she is 100% certain that me and her will not get back together. Quite how she is so sure I don't know; although me hassling her about it is probably a good reason why she is so resolute.

I know that smothering her was the only mistake I made. I was never abusive in any way, just maybe by her side too much. I would certainly have backed off had she said I was smothering her.

It is so hard right now to let go and to leave her be. All logic suggests she might change her mind but at the moment I cannot see it.


I know people can go from on eextreme to another so I guess disappearing is the ONLY way she can think and miss me.

I'm just worried that asking to get back has totally damaged this hope.

This is not fair at all.

I am painfully in love; and even more so now that I know she is carrying our child. It is the most beautiful thought in the worl dthat there eis a life growing inside of her.


Please to God, if I achieve nothing else all I want I sone more chance with her. If it fails so be it; I just want that chance because I know she would lve me again given the chance.

She would not regret it.

[madaman]

Couple questions:

I sort of remember your story, why do you want to get back with her?
And how can you be sure the child is yours?

[linds03]

You sound like a great guy and I applaud the fact that you want to be a good daddy to your baby... I'm sure you would be. And guess what? I'm thinking that her HORMONES are playing a part in her reactions to you... keep that in mind. You'll be just fine- I would be shocked if she didn't come back to you. Let me know. Take care.

[snuffy]

Couple questions:

I sort of remember your story, why do you want to get back with her?
and how can you be sure the child is yours?

I want to get back with her because I genuinely love her, and I think the pregnancy situation changes the whole dynamics of everything.


I know we could be good together again.

If it doesn't work out after having another chance then fair enough. It's just that I know I could make her happy and she could be happy with me.

I am still going to finish my final year of university in my law degree and this will help somewhat in ensuring I have the best possible career options.

I think I just need to back off and stay even out of her sight. I don't want to be in the same room.

She has to come to me for me to know she truly wants me back; and even then I would be cautious and talk honestly with her about how things might be.

I really want to be a great Daddy.

I am 99% sure that this baby is mine, I will know better when the dates come out. This is not about screwing me for my money when I eventually get a decent paycheck because I wouldn't give them money. I would buy the baby whatever it needs myself not give cash over. So there is no advantage for her to have th ebaby purely to get money from me. It will not work that way, if that's what she maybe has in mind.


I seriously do love her despite her cheating on me. She is some years younge rbut this is not a problem itself.

I'm going to be patient abouyt this whole thing. It must cross her mind one day to give it a go with me. When reality kicks in to her.

I really believe I am a good guy and I want to do what's right, and I just want to be happy.

[snuffy]

You sound like a great guy and I applaud the fact that you want to be a good daddy to your baby...I'm sure you would be. And guess what? I'm thinking that her HORMONES are playing a part in her reactions to you...keep that in mind. You'll be just fine- I would be shocked if she didn't come back to you. let me know. Take care.

In my head I know I have to be out of sight of her totally; I canno tmove on though.

I would feel terrible to find a new girl, and I feel a strong moral obligation to stick around as well as a desire to do so.

I hope and pray she will miss me and consider trying to be with me again.

I want to be there for ante natal appointments and scans.

I'm excited yet so forlorn abou this whole sorry episode. If only I had given her space weeks ago everything would be OK.

[snuffy]

UPDATE:

After totally backing off for a while, she is now talking to me and friendly enough.

I have stated that I want this baby no matter what. Even if she never wants to be with me again.

I think that's the best attitude.

She said I can come to scans :)

So for now I am much happier. I'm meeting other women. I have great friends who are supportive of me and the situation.

Would love her to get back with me but I'm bracing myself for that to never happen.

Let's hope!

[snuffy]

Ok, Many of you may have read abou my ex.

To sum up, she dumped me about 8 weeks ago, told me she was pregnant about 6 and a half weeks ago.

Well, I have kept contact to a minimum, I would have no contact whatsoever if she were not pregnant.

As she is pregnant I do occasionally call her to see how she is and show that I care at least what she is going through.

When we broke up she told me she definitely does not want to be with me anymore - she just 'knows' is what she said.

This was her view, despite being pregnant.

However she does seem to be at parties that I attend. I am very at ease around her and extremely cool calm and assured around her.

What is confusing me now is that I am hearing from friends of hers that 'she is really missing me.' This came a week ago after we went to the 12 weeks scan for our baby. This friend asked her 'do you think you and him will ever get back,' aparently she replied she really misses me but hates being horrible and y to me.

So is it really her that is the problem? She seems to have a problem admitting if she feels for me. And in person she can be blunt and snappy with me. I do not react badly to this at all.

What should I do, Should I continue the coolness and no contact thing? Or should I ask her whether we can try to work something out, not necessarily right now though.

I really am confused now. In an ideal world I would love to be with her; but on the other hand I am simply not willing to accept any crap from her and I am not going to sell myself short. In other words she should work for the relationship too, not just me.


Just an update on how I see her. Yes love her and would like to be with her. But in my mind I can be without her and I can find another woman. This is partly through necessity.

In short, I am not desperate. But I would like her back.

how do I proceed?


What is your advice?


And what does her saying she 'misses me lots' really mean? I'd be especially interested to hear from women, as you may have more of an idea how women think!! :D

regards, Snuffy.

[charlotte234s]

If you both love each other and want to be together, get back together.


If not, don't bother. Be there for the baby, obviously, but don't be with her just because she is pregnant, just make sure you provide support emotionally, monetarily if it's your baby, etc. and you let her know you want to be in the babies life, but you two cannot be together.

The mother and father bond is different than the boyfriend and girlfriend bond, do what's best for both. You can be a father withought being a boyfriend, or you can be both if you think that's what's best.

[talaniman]

Don't pin your star on the words of friends, as her action don't match what you have been told, so do as your doing and take care of your child, and work with her as far as that goes, but a relationship?? She is very clear on that. Forget it. Maybe all she wanted was a baby, who knows? Either way I would get a life without her.

[ISneezeFunny]

I somewhat agree with Charlotte, but from my point of view... she could just be missing you due to loneliness. In that case, do you really want to be there for a little bit until she tells you that she just "knows" again? Granted, there's no real way of finding out if she's for real or not, that's entirely your decision. Think about it clearly. But def, you can be a father without being a boyfriend. Do take care of your responsibilities.

[snuffy]

An update; I saw her last night at a mutual friend's house. I had called her in the day to see how she is and ho wthe pregnancy is going. All was friendly and amicable. I said that I was going over to this house for a couple of drinks and asked if she wanted to go and she said yes.

So, we're at this house. I was all normal and cool. Asked how how she was and she was lke 'yeh I'm ok' but her demeanour was somewhat short and sharp.

Her Step mother and younger sister were there too. They were absolutely fine with me.

I had been thinking about what I was told the week before about her saying that she really misses me, so I kind of expected her to be a little warmer with me.

Anyway, her step mum made a comment jokingly about me being 'almost family' (obviously due to the pregnancy) and the ex then made a very snide remark along the lines of 'pffft he's no part of my family! '

The cattiness of the remark really pissed me off and it was designed to be hurtful I think. She could not see I was affected by it as I ignored it, but I am affected by it to a degree.

What I cannot understand is why she would be so cold, distant and making waspish remarks about me. It is as though she resents me, and I simply do not understand why. There's no reason for this. Well nothing I have done anyway.


I have been getting on with my life, I seldom bother her or call her (maybe once a week if that) and I talk on msn if she initiates a conversation. So I have not been begging for her back or anything like that. I have dealt with the unfortunate situation very well.


So it is really bizaree why she feel sth eneed to regularly make remarks which are intended to make me feel unhappy. I am trying to be happy and accept the situation. So what the hell is wrong with her??


I thought that at the very least she would be friendly but I can assure you that in person at least, she seems unfriendly and positively hostile around me.



Could she be jealous that I am getting on with life and 'appear' happy while she is seemingly unhappy (with what I do not know).


In any case, I (foolishly perhaps) sent her a text later that night saying .'I miss you and wish that we could work something out.xx'


Can anybody speculate as to what this behaviour from her is set out to achieve? To Drive me away? To Piss me off? To drag me to unhappiness?


I would take her back if she wanted it, and if she was willing to put in equal effort.

I just can't see it now, and I worry a lot. I worry that she is going to play games with me regardingthe baby that is born in June - which would be very sad indeed.


Yours confused and disillusioned.

Snuffy.

[talaniman]

Hi Snuffy, Understand that she is pregnant, and her body is carrying a human life, and her hormones and emotions are raging, as she is preparing to bring life into the world. Don't take her rages personally, as she goes through this process, just love and support her the best you can. Educate yourself through books and talking to older females about what goes on in females that are pregnant. This time is about her, so put your feelings aside and help her any way you can.

[snuffy]

Update: I saw her one week ago at a local pub. She was drinking a little; unfortunately there is nothing I can do abou this as it is he rbody and I have no say in it. I'd obviously prefer she did not drink and put her pregnancy at risk.

Anyhow, she was nice to me, friendly enough. So clearly I'm getting mixed signals.

Anyway, I decided I would write her a letter and my intentions are good. Those intentions are that we are at minimum, on friendly terms when the baby is born so that I can see the baby and have no trouble. Though as you know, I would also love to give the relationship a go. Bear in mind, however, that I am OK if she still doesn't want the relationship. Anyhow, here is the letter. I posted it on christmas eve. Do tell me what you think:


"Hi *****,

I hope everything is all right with you; I just wanted to write a letter to you to say a few things that are on my mind and because I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I miss you an awful lot; much more than I realised I would do.
I sometimes just wish I could just sit and have a drink with you and have a laugh especially like we used to when we started meeting up this year. I was so happy the times when I saw you; it was exciting and good fun being around you. I can remember when I had to go back to university it would drive me mad not being able to see you. I told you that you had some kind of magical hold on me; I guess I just really liked being with you and found you to be great to be around. You could make me feel so good and excited to see you.

Back in June I was the happiest I’d been for a long time and everything was going amazingly, and I used to wake up with a spring in my step knowing that I was going out with a gorgeous and amazing girl. Everything was just about having a good time and a laugh and that. I think things started to go wrong for me in general when I had that injury and ended up in hospital. It changed a lot of things in my life, it stopped me doing exams and stopped me being able to work for weeks. I realise I was really down and lost my confidence and did not see it at that time. Other people noticed me being less happy with everything and it is true, I was such an idiot a lot of the time then. I ended up being stupidly insecure, clingy and jealous and it’s not a good thing. I was totally wrong. I make no excuses for being like that. I made the biggest mistake of my life acting like that and I am sorry for ever making you feel bad. I do know, though, that I have learned from it and I wouldn’t be like that with anyone ever again.

I know that you made the choice to not to be with me anymore and I totally understand why as I was a pain to be around, and I was destroying the good relationship we had by my being jealous and just acting like a total prat. It gave me a big wake up call and a chance to see how my behaviour was making you feel. I got my confidence back and am more like the person I was a year ago. You know that I wish that we could sort something out one day in the future, but I respect how you feel and well if it’s still not what you want then that’s fair enough. It is great to just be a good friend if that’s all it will be, and be a great dad to our baby when it comes. You know I will always be there for support and will always love the baby, as I know that you will be a great loving Mum too. After I finished university I wanted to build some sort of future together, but that’s just a dream right now and if that can’t happen then we can still make the most of it as parents. I really meant it when I said how much I loved you; and I still do.

Anyway, I’ve said what I wanted to say to you and I hope that you are doing well and that the pregnancy is going OK. You know that I am ALWAYS there if you ever want me. I hope you have a really happy Christmas and a happy new year. Missing you.

Love from [Snuffy] x x x"

[George_1950]

I see words and words about how you feel and what you would like to happen. This is what you said she either says or does: "So it is really bizarre why she feels the need to regularly make remarks which are intended to make me feel unhappy. I am trying to be happy and accept the situation. So what the hell is wrong with her???? I thought that at the very least she would be friendly but I can assure you that in person at least, she seems unfriendly and positively hostile around me."

Other than the baby, it seems she has moved on. It takes two to maintain a relationship and she appears unwilling. She is not worried about your feelings, so perhaps you should not be concerned about hers.

[s_cianci]

However she does seem to be at parties that I attend.

You mean she's drinking while pregnant?

Should I continue the coolness and no contact thing?

I would.

but on the other hand I am simply not willing to accept any crap from her and I am not going to sell myself short

Nope. Definitely don't take any crap from her and don't sell yourself short.

But in my mind I can be without her and I can find another woman.

Absolutely. No reason to think otherwise. In short, you do what is right for you and don't allow yourself to be made to feel guilty by her or anyone else. She dumped you to begin with so now you have every right not to take her back. She isn't your child, the baby inside of her (presumably) is. Of course you'll get a DNA test after the birth just to make sure.

[s_cianci]

Could she be jealous that I am getting on with life and 'appear' happy while she is seemingly unhappy (with what I do not know).

I think this is probably the most likely explanation. So just go right on getting on with life and being (not just appearing) happy. If that ignites her fuse all the more then you have your answer.

[snuffy]

I see words and words about how you feel and what you would like to happen. This is what you said she either says or does: "So it is really bizarre why she feels the need to regularly make remarks which are intended to make me feel unhappy. I am trying to be happy and accept the situation. So what the hell is wrong with her???? I thought that at the very least she would be friendly but I can assure you that in person at least, she seems unfriendly and positively hostile around me."

Other than the baby, it seems she has moved on. It takes two to maintain a relationship and she appears unwilling. She is not worried about your feelings, so perhaps you should not be concerned about hers.

HER loss, then.